BioJock
by Leon XIII
Summary: Jack ends up in a city full of crazy mask wearing people,a crapload of syringes and an annoying Irish guy who continously calls him Boyo. Watch as he questions,kills,and smashes his way through the game! Parody of Bioshock.Please review.
1. Wrenches,Splicers,and boyos

Bio-Jock

Disclaimer:I do not own Bioshock,Half Life,Ring of fire,Call of Duty,Silent Hill,Resident Evil,F.E.A.R,Portal,Drawn to life,No one Lives Forever,Killer7,Watchmen,Condemned:criminal Origins,

Chapter 1:Wrenches,Splicers and Boyos.

Jack:"One day,me old man came to me and said 'sonny,you're special,your meant to kill important people' and I bet hes right."

Jack sucked on his Cigarette and looked at his present from his parents. It said "would you kindly crash a plane over the Atlantic?".

Suddenly,the plane began to shake.

Jack:"Stewardess! Tell the pilots to stop dicking around,and wheres my chocolate Milkshake?"

Stewardess:"Everyone assume crash positions!"

Jack put on his floatation device.

Jack:"Those damn Terrorists!"

The Plane crashed into the water and broke into pieces. Jack started floating to the surface. He passed a purse,a shoe,a condom,a bra,a SPAS-12,an unlimited Ammo Briefcase,and a check for 1,000,000 dollars. He broke to the surface.

Jack:"Blleeaaggghh. Smells like the new Cartoon Network. Am I the only Survivor? These class 3 flights suck!"

He was surrounded by a ring of Fire.

Jack:"_I fell in to a burning ring of fire!_"

The only gap was closed by flames.

Jack:"Why the fuck did that happen?"

There was a massive light house nearby.

Jack:"Whats the Citadel from _Half Life 2_ doing here?"

He swam to the dock and got out of the water.

Jack:"Damn! It's colder than _Overblood_! Why couldn't I fly over the Pacific?"

He climbed up the steps and entered the lighthouse. The doors closed on him,hiding the room in darkness.

Jack:"That plot device is ridiculously unoriginal."

The lights came on,a large statue of a man holding the words "no gods or kings,only man" on a banner hovered over Jack.

Jack:"AAAAHHHHHHHH! A GIANT! DON'T HURT ME!"

Jack ran around the statue and down the stairs. He came to a Bathysphere with a lever inside.

Jack:"Good. He'll never find me in there."

He ran inside and pulled the lever. The hatch closed and the Sphere descended. A television screen lowered over the window. A projector shined on it. The words 'From the Desk of Andrew Ryan" appeared with a Man at a desk.

Jack:"That Mustache is retarded."

TV:"When a farmer harvests his crops,does he lay claim to them? 'NO' shouts James Sunderland 'THEY BELONG TO SILENT HILL'! 'NO' shouts Captain Price 'THEY BELONG TO CALL OF DUTY'! 'NO' shouts Chris Redfield 'THEY BELONG TO RESIDENT EVIL'!"

Jack grabbed a box of Popcorn and started eating it.

TV:"I chose a place where he could lay claim to them,it's called...FEAR! Wait,wrong game. It's called...RAPTURE!"

The screen rose,revealing a Large metropolis under the Ocean.

Jack:"This game is no place for originality. _The Little Mermaid_ was probably the main influence for this game."

Noises started coming over the Service radio.

Noise 1:"Atlas,the spheres coming in."

Noise 2:"Johnny,the Splicers will be there any minute,haul your arse out of there,boyo!"

The Sphere began to dock.

Johnny:"Oh shit."

Atlas:"Johnny? Get your arse out of there now,boyo!"

The Sphere docked,Jack looked out the window and ate some more popcorn as a Spider splicer moved in on Johnny.

Johnny:"Please don't kill me. You can have my Gun.

Jack:"PISTOL WHIP HER!"

Johnny turned around.

Johnny:"What?"

That was the last thing he said,the splicer tore his guts out. She looked at the Bathysphere,and screamed. She Leaped on top of the bathysphere and it shook lightly.

Jack:"Ugh,she's humping the sphere."

Atlas:"Boyo,would you kindly pick up that service radio?"

Jack:"My name isn't boyo."

Atlas:"Just pick up the Darm radio!"

Jack did so and slipped it in his sweater pocket.

Atlas:"I don't know how the fuck you survived that plane crash,but you'll have to trust me. Take a deep breath and step out of the sphere,boyo."

Jack:"Why do you keep saying that?"

Atlas:"The contract says I have to say Boyo every 10 minutes."

Jack stepped outside.

Atlas:"Listen,you've got to get to higher ground,but first,you have to draw her out of hiding,Boyo."

Jack:"That damn accent is making my ears bleed."

He went into the next room.

Splicer:"I'll hang out your guts to dry."

Jack:"I'll ass-rape you to death."

Splicer:"Touche."

He saw the splicer behind a wall of rubble.

Splicer:"Ha Ha,at least Atlas never thought to hack that camera behind you to kill me with sentry bots. Ha Ha."

Atlas:"Got Ya,Boyo!"

Splicer:"Fuck."

Several sentry bots ripped her to shreds with their machine guns.

Atlas:"Now,would you kindly find a crowbare or somethin,boyo?"

Jack:"Would you kindly stop talking like an Irishman?"

Jack grabbed a wrench laying in front of a doorway. Then he smashed some girders blocking the way.

Jack:"What kind of steel is this? Plaster?"

He ducked under the rubble.

Meanwhile,at the top of the staircase,a Splicer spilled beer on his couch and lit it on fire with his cigar. He Threw it down the staircase so it wouldn't burn the place down.

Splicer:"MY COUCH IS ON FIRE!"

Jack leaped over the flaming sofa and stormed upstairs to kill the bastard who threw it. When he got to the top,the splicer confronted him.

Splicer:"I'm terribly sorry,would you like a-"

BAM!

Jack beat the splicer's brains out with his wrench.

Jack:"DIE YOU BUNNY MASK WEARING COCK SUCKER! FEEL THE WRAITH FROM MY WRENCH OF PAIN!"

After killing the Splicer,Jack was now covered in blood. He walked over to a bulkhead door with a sparking lever next to it. He tried pulling it,but got a nasty shock. In his frustration, he started smacking the door with his wrench.

Atlas:"There's a Gatherer's Garden near you,see if in has the Electro Balt,Boyo."

Jack:"What the fuck are you saying? What the fuck is an Electro Balt?"

Atlas:"It's a Plasmid,It gives you the ability to shoot electricity from your hand,boyo."

Jack:"Really? Sweet!"

Jack followed his way-point thing at the top of the screen to the Broken Gatherer's garden Machine. There was a Red bottle with a Syringe inside it,which he took.

Jack:"Are you sure this isn't acid or something?"

Atlas:"I guarantee it boyo."

Jack stabbed the syringe in his wrist and injected it.

Jack:"Nothing happened."

Atlas:"That's because it went through your arm,Boyo!"

The sharp point stuck out on the other side of Jack's arm,which he pulled back a little and injected again. His arms started sparking.

Atlas:"It's alright boyo,your genetic codes are just rewriting themselves."

Jack:"This stuff certainly acts like acid."

Jack backed up and fell off the balcony.

Jack:"Why the fuck did I do that?"

2 splicers came up to Jack.

Splicer 1:"This little lamb looks like he just had his cherry popped!"

Splicer 2:"That's horrible. No one's gonna laugh at that shit."

Splicer 1:"I wonder if he's got any ADAM on him?"

Splicer 2:"Back off! I saw him first!"

Splicer 1:"Oh yeah?"

The 2 morons started clubbing each other with their pipes until they were all bruised.

Splicer 1:"Great,now we'll have to squander 50 bucks for First Aid Kits at one of those blasted Vending Machines. I'm horrible at hacking."

Splicer 2:"Great,here comes a big daddy,lets split!"

Splicer 1:"Enjoy your time with the freak."

They took off as a Giant armored Drill wielding freak walked up to Jack.

Jack:"Mega Man?"

Then a little girl with a Needle came up to him.

Girl:"Look Mr. Bubbles,an Angel."

Jack:"Who the hell are you supposed to be,An Alessa Enthusiast?"

Girl:"Wait,he's still breathing. Lets go,I'm sure he'll be an Angel soon."

They departed as Jack got up.

Atlas:"Now use that Electro Balt to shock the switch,Boyo."

Jack looked at his hand,which was coursing with Electricity.

Jack:"Ummmm,How do I use it?"

Atlas:"Just flick your wrist,boyo. Be careful,you have a limited supply of-"

Jack shot a bolt of electricity at a nearby plant pot and destroyed it.

Jack:"COOL!"

He shocked a Chandelier,a Trash can,an Ash tray and even a Cat.

Atlas:"Conserve your EVE supply,BOYO!"

Jack:"EVE? ADAM? I thought religion wasn't welcome in Rapture."

Atlas:"JUST SHOCK THE BLOODY SWITCH,BOYO!"

Jack did so and the door opened. He proceeded into the glass tunnel and looked out the window

Jack:"Hey,that looks like the plane I was just on."

The upper section of the plane he was just on collided with the tunnel,flooding it.

Jack:"Damn it! This piss water is freezing!"

He jumped into a section with seats.

Jack:"Hey,this is where I was sitting,here's my present,That dead stewardess,and my cigarette."

Atlas:"Be careful,Cigarettes reduce your health,boyo."

Jack:"No shit douche-bag. What are you going to do? Have any smoke-away?"

He put the cig in his mouth and proceeded into a dark room. He picked up a First Aid kit and EVE Hypo.

Jack:"I have to inject this to restore my EVE? My arm's gonna be a living pincushion!"

He stuffed his face with some pep bars the inspected the vita chamber.

Jack:"I guess the designers were too drunk to add checkpoints."

He looted the corpse of some dead guy for 5 bucks and was about to leave before a Splicer surprised him.

Atlas:"SPLICERS! Zap em then whack em! The one-two punch. Remember,the one-two punch,boyo!"

Jack:"Jeez,you don't have to yell in my ear!"

Jack zapped the splicer the beat him over the head with his wrench. He continued to the next room. An elevator crashed and a Flaming Splicer jumped out.

Jack:"Elevator crashes,another unoriginal idea."

The Splicer tackled Jack.

Jack:"GET THE FUCK OFF ME YOU CIRCUS CLOWN!"

He kicked him off and hit him with his wrench until he was dead.

Jack:"How the hell do you catch fire from an elevator crash?"

Jack got on the other working elevator. The tune from _Portal_ was playing.

Atlas:"Now listen boyo. I have a family."

Jack:"Good for you." as he ate his Pep bar.

Atlas:"They're trapped in a Smuggler's cove behind Neptune's bounty. I can't reach them, but maybe,just maybe."

Jack:"Your family is scripted to die as I approach their submarine. I'm not gonna waste several hours running around for that."

Atlas:"I know you feel like the most unluckiest man in the world,but your the only hope of me seeing my wife and child again,boyo. Get to Neptune's Bounty and I'll be in your debt."

Jack:"Hmmm,Now I'm interested."

The elevator came to a stop. Jack got out and stole some cash from a teddy bear in front of this door. Then he saw a woman singing to her baby in a carriage.

Jack:"This is _Bioshock_, not_ Veggie Tales_. Get lost sister."

Jack slammed down on her head with his wrench and looked in the cradle.

Jack:"What the hell? This woman gave birth to a .38."

He picked up the revolver and shot a nearby splicer with it. Then he wandered into this next room,which was the second floor over this stage. There was a little girl down below.

Atlas:"Would you kindly lower that weapon boyo?"

Jack:"No."

Atlas:"Fine. You think that's a little girl down there,boyo."

Jack:"Yeah,can I smoke her?"

Atlas:"Hell no! What you thought about on the surface doesn't apply down ere in Rapture,boyo."

Jack:"So I can't think about diapered cartoons?"

Atlas:"Just get across the damn over hanging lights!"

Jack started walking over the stage on these lights.

Atlas:"That thing down there is a little sister. She supplies ADAM,which keeps Rapture's wheel turning,Boyo."

Jack:"That sounded dirty."

Jack almost fell after Atlas said this,but he made it to the other side. He searched a briefcase,which held a Shotgun,but he thought it was fake,so he just left it. He descended to the lower floor. A Splicer came though the door and saw the little sister. He pulled out a fork and knife an cornered her.

Splicer:"Looks like I'm having ham again tonight!"

The little sister screamed,A bouncer smashed through the ceiling. The Splicer pulled out his pistol and aimed it at him.

Splicer:"Eat lead,sucker!"

He pulled the trigger and a little flag saying 'bang' popped out.

Splicer:"Ha,I also do birthday parties! AHAHAHA-"

His ridiculous laughter was cut off when the Bouncer socked him with his drill,slamming him into the wall. Then he actually drilled the splicer in the gut.

Splicer:"I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU LAUGH!"

The Bouncer grabbed the Splicer by the head and smashed him through the glass Jack was looking through.

Jack:"HOLY SNIKEES!"

The Bouncer and little sister departed,while Jack broke the lock on a nearby gate. He entered a bar and heard bickering.

Splicer 1:"All you care about is money,Money,Money!"

Splicer 2:"Well it's clear you don't care about it!"

Jack:"What the fuck?"

He consumed a few alcoholic Beverages (like Old Tom's Whiskey and that Russian vodka) then he looked over the railing and saw a splicer pounding on the door.

Splicer 2:"You old whore! You deleted my _Drawn to Life_ save game!"

Splicer 1:"Well you were always masturbating to that Mari character!"

Further chatter was cut off by a bullet from Jack's Pistol to Splicer 2's head. Splicer 1 came out.

Splicer 1:"OH lord! My husbands dead! Woe is me! Take me instead dear-"

Another bullet from Jack's pistol silenced her as well. Jack looted the kitchen area,consumed more booze and went over to a pool of water.

Jack:"Did someone ferget to fix a leak?"

He picked up an Audio diary laying on a table.

Diary:"Well,here I am. Diane Mclintock,alone again. Oh well,I can get really wasted and if I'm lucky,so other dude will too and we'll have sex. Then I'll wake up in some creepy abandoned hotel,naked and completely confused. (Bang,Bang) Whats that noise? Why is this red stuff coming out of the hole in my chest?"

A few Splicers appeared in the pool.

Atlas:"If you see any of them in a body of water,Zap it with your electro Bolt,Boyo."

Jack:"I thought I was rid of you."

Jack zapped the pool with his Electro bolt and the splicers were fried.

Jack:"At least the physics engine is cool."

He wandered upstairs and into the ladies bathroom (he wanted to see what they do in there). He saw a Specter.

Specter:"My Face,it looks like that fat woman's from _No one lives forever_. AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Jack:"I got to stop drinking. It feels like I'm in _F.E.A.R_."

He went to the last stall and grabbed another Audio Diary.

Diary:"Annie,I was wondering when you were gonna do something about the hole the size of Norton Mapes in your shitter. A guy can't take a piss with the feeling that a Big daddy will drill him from behind while he's doing it."

Jack:"Hmph,He's right about that."

A splicer came out of the first stall,without any pants on.

Splicer:"Can't a guy masturbate in peace!"

Jack shot the Splicer in the groin with his pistol. He fell over,spraying blood everywhere.

Jack:"Look's like you can't hold your blood."

Jack went into the men's room and climbed through the hole in the wall. He saw 2 Splicers standing over the corpse of a Bouncer.

Splicer 1:"I can't find anything."

Splicer 2:"Keep searching! These metal freaks must have passes to the Samus Aran Fan club."

Jack zapped the pool of water the Splicers were standing in,causing their heads to explode. He jumped down and searched the body of the Bouncer.

Jack:"Why are these big motherfuckers carrying 100 bucks? If I keep finding corpses like this,I'll be as rich as Mario."

He jumped down another floor.

Atlas:"Your close to the entrance of Neptune's Bounty,pick up the pace boyo!"

Jack:"I'm starting to hate Irish people."

Jack strolled to the doorway that lead to Neptune's Bounty. Suddenly,a security alert activated,Lights flashed red,a Gate closed in the doorway and a Flame-throwing turret popped up behind it.

Jack:"Why did an office chair with an oxygen tank appear during a security alert?"

The Turret shot fire at Jack,singeing him.

Jack:"The office chairs down here can shoot fire?"

Intercom:"Attention,due to the presence of a player character in the immediate vicinity,all doors have been secured for your safety."

Meanwhile,in a nearby closet...

2 Splicers were making out when the Security alert activated.

Splicer 1:"We're trapped in here Henry,what are we gonna do?"

Splicer 2:"How about we take off our clothes so our bodies will stay warm."

Splicer 1:"Good idea!"

Back to Jack (Hey,that rhymed)

Atlas:"Damn it! They sealed the door to Neptune's Bounty,head for the Medical Pavilion instead,boyo."

Jack:"Whatever,first I have to kill some more circus freaks."

Jack pulled the trigger on his pistol,and nothing happened. He used up all his ammo. A Splicer hit him in the head with a pipe.

Splicer:"YOU RUINED MY DINNER PARTY WITH MY FRIENDS!"

Jack:"Like who?"

Splicer:"I invited Rorschach,Mask de Smith,Ethan Thomas' inner demon,aaanannnannnnnddd-"

Jack shocked the Splicer and beat him over the head with his wrench.

Jack:"Atlas,I'm out of ammo and there are at least 3 more of them!"

Atlas:"What do you want me to do about it boyo?"

Jack:"Can't you drop a supply crate or rewind time to replenish my ammo?"

Atlas:"No,all I can do is hack doors,boyo."

Jack:"Then close the door I came through!"

Atlas:"Sorry,can't close holes."

Jack:"Your worthless!"

Jack tried to shock the pool of water the splicers were jumping in,but he was out of EVE too.

Jack:"Shit!"

Atlas:"I told you to conserve your EVE,boyo."

Jack:"Shut up!"

Jack quickly jabbed an EVE hypo in his arm to restore his EVE then he used the one-two punch on the Splicers.

Atlas:"You know the door to the Medical Pavilion is open,boyo?"

Jack:"I wish you would have gotten off your Irish ass and told me that 2 minutes ago!"

Jack ducked under the gate (which was held up by a story-necessary ashtray) and entered the airlock room. The opposite door closed,sealing him in. He banged on it with his wrench.

Jack:"Stupid Closing doors!"

Atlas:"Hang on Boyo,I'll get it open."

Jack leaned on the wall and ate a cream cake. The television screen behind a layer of glass turned on.

Jack:"Thanks for sending me a movie to watch while your working on the door."

Atlas:"I didn't send you a movie,boyo."

A man appeared on the screen.

Man:"Welcome newcomer,which one of the bitches sent you? The Russian puppy? Or the American Kitty?"

Jack:"Yo momma."

Man:"Whoever you are,we are already over populated. If you won't leave,we'll have to kill you. Our new 'population policy' states that tourists cannot stay more than 1 minute."

Jack:"Hey! Your the guy from the video!"

Splicers appeared and started pounding on the glass.

Jack:"You guys do know that glass is bullet-proof,right?"

Atlas:"Doors Open! Get yer Arse out of there,boyo!"

Jack:"Okay."

Jack ran in the airlock and escaped.

To be continued...

**A/N:first of all,do not nag me to hurry up with my chapters,I'm a slow writer. Second,please review and tell me if you'd prefer Jack to harvest the Little sisters,or rescue them.**

**SURPREMASISTS SUCK!**


	2. Open wide

Biojock

Chapter 2:Open wide

Disclaimer:I do not own bioshock,Legend of Spyro,Klonoa,Timesplitters

Jack stepped out of the airlock and emerged in front of a vita chamber.

Atlas:"Now you've met Andrew Ryan,the Barack Obama of Rapture,boyo."

Jack ignored Atlas and continued around the corner,where he saw a corny old vending machine with a clown on it.

Machine:"Welcome to the circus of values!"

Jack:"Might as well pick up some cigarettes. What the? This thing sells pistol Ammo! I understand first aid kits,but Ammunition? No wonder this whole city's gone to hell,everyone's getting ammo from cheap vending machines! How much crap can these things hold anyway,there's no way a machine this size could hold all these items."

Jack heard a noise beside him,there was something caught in between these doors. A help message came up.

Message:"Hacking allows you to hack machines of all sorts to obtain some kind of benefit,to hack just-"

Jack smashed the message with his wrench.

Jack:"I've read the strategy guide bitch!"

Jack performed a hack on the security bot stuck in the doors.

Jack:"Who knew hacking could be this much fun."

The security bot arose and the doors opened.

Jack:"I'll call you little Jack."

He checked out a nearby desk,raided a cash register and found an audio diary.

Diary:"I was released today,Doctor Steinman said I would be the prettiest girl in the neighborhood. It's a shame I am the only girl in the neighborhood. I think I'll read some Silvia Plath books."

Jack went into the back room and saw some Splicers.

Splicer 1:"Have you seen Rodney? He was supposed to be at my Birthday Party."

Splicer 2:"Last I saw,he got his gut drilled in."

Jack's security bot attacked the splicers.

Splicer 1:"Damn it! I thought you got rid of that thing!" as he shot at it.

Jack jumped out and zapped him with the Electro bolt.

Jack:"No body messes with my little Jack!"

After they died,Jack found another Audio diary.

Diary:"ADAM has changed Plastic surgery greatly. If your are born a different species,why not change it? If you don't like your default genitals,change it! Hell,you can even remove them if you want,you sick bastards. Why would anyone want to walk around without any genitals? Do they want to look like a Ken doll? I would prefer enlarging them-"

Jack:"That's all I want to hear from that. Atlas,if that's your real name,how do I get this damn gate open?"

Atlas:"There should be a switch above you,boyo."

Jack climbed these steps and pulled a switch,the lights flashed red.

Intercom:"We are very sorry,but for another story related purpose,Security Lock-down is in effect. Please stay where you are while a group of deformed civilians rush to your location."

2 Splicers ran into the room.

Splicer 1:"What is the meaning of this? I'm trying to make love to my dead husband!"

Splicer 2:"And I'm watching _Little House on the prairie_!"

Jack had to beat them with his wrench because he was still out of Pistol ammo,but with the security bot,it was little trouble. He salvaged some supplies from the area and went through another door.

Atlas:"Steinman has the Override key,although I doubt he'll hand it over nicely,I doubt hes still human boyo."

Jack:"Can't you just hack past the override lock?"

Atlas:"Nope,If I could hack everything for you,this game would be much shorter,and we need to drag it out as much as possible,boyo."

Jack came to another switch,but he didn't give a shit about it because there was a Machine gun laying right next to it! He grabbed it immediately.

Jack:"Thank god,this pistol is fucking stupid!"

Jack pulled the switch and the door in the foyer opened. Several Splicers ran through it.

Splicer:"Look! It's some freak who's face isn't deformed like our own! Lets kill him!"

As the Splicers charged towards Jack,he opened fire with his machine gun. His sentry gun also assisted.

Jack:"Yeah baby! Now I'm racking up the kills!"

One of the Splicers destroyed Jack's sentry bot.

Jack:"NNNOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU MESSED UP BASTARD!"

Jack emptied all his machine gun ammo at the splicer's corpse,even after he died.

Jack:"I raised that gun from birth."

Atlas:"Relax boyo,you'll get another."

Jack:"SHUT UP!"

Jack went through the door he just opened and saw another specter,which was banging on the door.

Specter:"Steinman! You promised to make me pretty! Now look at me! LOOK AT ME!"

Jack:"Jeez,someones on the rag."

Jack went through the door,looted some dead bodies and was about to loot the cash register when he was shot 30 times by a Turret.

Jack:"FUCK!"

Jack dove for cover behind a wall. He used one of his med kits.

Jack:"How the hell do you make a gun turret from a chair?"

He zapped it with an electro bolt and quickly hacked it. A splicer jumped out from around the corner.

Splicer:"YOU! You bought that puppy in the window I wanted!"

The turret mowed her down. Jack chuckled.

Jack:"At least these things are good for something.

He found an Audio diary on the counter.

Diary:"With ADAM,People now come in more often. That means better business for me. Now maybe I can afford to purchase some diapers for my son's birthday,he's a diaperfur you know."

Jack:"I never was into furry crap."

Jack stole 50 bucks in cash from the registers and got shot by another turret that was shooting through a hole in the wall.

Jack:"Damn it! If that hole wasn't there,that turret would be a lot easier to deal with."

He zapped it and hacked it. The turret gunned down another splicer. Jack found another Audio diary.

Diary:"The Parasite. Some think they're little green worms that suck blood from your body. Some retarded ones think they stop you from falling. But I see them as corrupt,greedy diapered lizards!uhh..uhhhhh...I mean business men!"

Jack found a Health station on the wall.

Jack:"What the hell? Did the architects know that everyone carried guns that they got from those fucking vending machines?"

He hacked it and picked up another audio diary.

Diary:"When I was in prison camp,dis guard kept trying to program VCR. I corrected him. This make him angry, and he punch me,but when he wasn't looking,I grab shotgun and blow off testicles."

Jack:"I wish I had a shotgun."

Jack went into a lounge area. He saw another Circus of Values machine,but he also saw a different machine called El Ammo Bandito.

Jack:"I can't believe they let Mexicans down here. Oh well,waste not,want not."

He tried to hack the Machine,but he hit an Override tile and exploded.

Jack:"Who the fuck puts explosives in common Vending Machines?"

He found another Audio diary.

Diary:"I have recently found out that some communists have found a way to hack Vending Machines. Now you damn liberals listen right here,I am the only one who is allowed to hack anything. Those cigarette prices are insane."

Jack got bored and moved to the glass tunnel by the surgery wing,he saw a Little Sister and Bouncer in another tunnel.

Little Sister:"Don't be slow mister B,we still have to Harvest 1 more mutilated splicer before you can decide my fate at a sister vent and determine which ending you get."

Jack went into the next room and saw Dr. Steinman crouching above this corpse.

Jack:"Cough it up,Frankenstein!"

Jack shot Steinman Several times with his Machine gun. Steinman got scared and ran through this doorway. Jack sprinted after him,but a Nitro Splicer sealed the door with a bomb. A frusterated Jack shot him.

Atlas:"That bastard sealed himself in,boyo."

Jack:"Ya think!"

Atlas:"Explosives are hard to come by here in Rapture,boyo."

Jack:"No prob,I'll just loot this suicide bomber's grenade box. What? It's fucking Empty! He used his last one."

Atlas:"Now if you had a Telekinesis Plasmid,you could catch a bomb and throw it at the rubble,Boyo."

Jack:"Where the hell am I supposed to find one of those?" completely oblivious to the signs behind him saying free samples were available at dandy dental.

Atlas:"Why not try the dental wing,boyo?"

Jack:"Why the hell do dentists need Telekinesis?"

Atlas:"Maybe...to remove rotten teeth,boyo?"

Jack:"Why not use a pair of Pliers?"

Atlas:"Would you kindly get to the dental wing already,boyo?"

Jack went to the dental wing entrance,and found it blocked by Ice.

Jack:"Atlas,the crappy dental wing is blocked by Ice,is there another way in?"

Atlas:"Afraid not. It makes it a huge fire violation,don't you think,boyo?"

Jack:"Who asked your opinion?"

Atlas:"Up yours,boyo."

Jack picked up an Audio diary in the ice.

Diary:"Steinman,you gotta do something about these pipes. Those damn Little Rascals keep vandalizing them. They're probably still mad about me closing the playground. I'm gonna place a bomb in their little clubhouse,you deal with those pipes."

Jack zapped the switch next to a malfunctioning door and opened it. He found an Auto Hack tool in the next room. As he left he searched an Ashtray for 20 pistol Armor piercing bullets.

Jack:"How the fuck did these end up here?"

Flashback...

A Splicer with a pistol took cover near the ashtray.

Splicer:"That fucking Bouncer. Well,lets see the look on his blank face when he gets a load of-Motherfucker!"

He dropped his AP bullets in the ashtray as he was about to load his pistol.

Splicer:"No time to dig these out,I have to kill that thing If I want to get the bad ending!"

He ran back upstairs and was killed by the bouncer.

End Flashback..

Jack went upstairs and shot a Splicer without even looking. He heard screaming near the Eternal Flame Crematorium.

Splicer:"Jimmy! I know you stole my latest edition of _Dragons gone wild_!"

Jack went over that way and saw a Splicer pounding on a door.

Splicer:"You fat rat bastard! Give me my _Legend of Spyro_ Porn back!"

The door exploded,throwing the splicer against the wall on fire,killing her. A Nitro Splicer walked out.

Splicer:"Hehehe,I love celebrating the forth of July in September."

Jack put a pistol bullet in the freak's head and entered the room he came out of. He saw an Audio diary by the painting.

Diary:"This video game designer,he creates these twisted monsters that occasionally resemble Genitals. People were scared by his work,but they gave those games high ratings. With ADAM,wouldn't it be funny if I could do what he did with a mouse,with a Knife?"

Jack went into the next room and heard an annoying squeaking noise.

Atlas:"That there be Ryan's eyes,Security cameras,stay out of the red light,boyo."

Jack:"I don't suppose you could disable them?"

Atlas:"Nope,boyo."

Jack:"Just what I thought."

Jack jumped out from the corner and put an AP bullet in the camera. He walked around the pillar and saw a Corpse next to a button.

Jack:"Eh,what do I got to lose?"

Jack pressed the button and the incinerator door opened. The corpse was pulled into the furnace. There was a loud shriek.

Jack:"Oh shit,that dude was still alive!"

The tray the corpse was on came back out,with nothing but a pile of ash and a Hacker's delight tonic.

Jack:"I guess you won't need this anymore,but take this to cover medical bills."

He threw a 50 dollar bill in the ash and took the tonic. He trotted upstairs and heard another splicer.

Splicer:"WAAAAHHHHHH! Why did he have to leave?"

Jack peeked around the corner,the Splicer was playing _Klonoa_ on the wii and just watched the ending.

Jack:"I cried when I first saw that too."

The Splicer whipped out a Machine gun and shot in Jack's direction,who hid behind the wall.

Splicer:"Who the fuck are you? What did you say?"

Jack zapped the splicer and gunned him down with his Machine gun.

Jack:"It's not good to bottle your emotions."

Jack went over to this lock door and beat it with his wrench. He was still not satisfied and shot it with his machine gun. One stray bullet knocked a grate loose.

Jack:"Grates,how unoriginal."

He slipped on some oil.

Jack:"Who the fuck puts oil in a-Oh wait,the furnaces."

He slid through the grate and found a broken Gatherer's garden Machine. There was an Incinerate Plasmid sitting on the floor.

Jack:"Jeez,the owner of these machines must be broke."

He snatched the Plasmid and injected it in his arm which now had 10 holes.

Jack:"Yeah,time to heat things-AAAACCCCKKKK,THAT IS FRIGGIN HOT!"

Several splicers appeared outside and started banging on the windows.

Splicer 1:"You killed my Grandpa!"

Splicer 2:"You Killed my brother!"

Ultra Science Doctor:"Don't activate lockdown now,we're still alive in here!"

Splicer 2:"Who the hell are you?"

Ultra Science Doctor:"Sorry,wrong game."

Jack:"GOD,I CAN'T STOP THE BURNING!"

Jack shot a fireball at the oil slick and all the splicers caught fire and died.

Jack:"Ah,that's better,maybe I can melt those ice blocks now."

Jack backtracked to the lobby and melted a block of ice in front of Twilight fields funerals. He entered and heard a splicer crying. He peeked around the corner and saw her standing in front of the coffin. Not wanting to be tricked again,he set her ablaze and gunned her down.

Jack:"Now they can gather your ashes and put it in a pot,less expensive."

He looked in the coffin and stole some cash out of it. He also found a locked door with a keypad.

Jack:"Damn,wheres the code?"

He looked back near the coffin and found a piece of paper under an EVE hypo.

Jack:"0451? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Maybe that thing back there is a calender and this is the date."

He input the numbers in the keypad and the door opened.

Jack:"Wow,who knew calenders could open doors."

He looted the room and went into the next,a splicer shot at him from behind a table.

Splicer:"Can I help you? Would you like to purchase a coffin? (BANG BANG) Sir,would you please hold still while I fire at you? (BANG BANG) Sir,if you don't stop assaulting me,I will have to call security."

A bullet to the forehead put an end to the crazy saleswoman. Jack grabbed some money behind the table.

Jack:"Sweet,maybe I can purchase some of those incredibly expensive Cigarettes."

He ducked back down and narrowly avoided getting shot in the head by a turret that appeared from behind a wall.

Jack:"Motherfuck."

He shot an AP round at it which destroyed it.

Turret:"I don't hate you."

Jack:"That was fucking creepy."

He noticed a safe next to the turret's husk.

Jack:"Ahhh,something worth hacking at last!"

Jack hacked the safe and immediately short circuited.

Jack:"Stubborn bitch!"

Jack pulled out a crowbar and tried to pry it open,but the crowbar snapped.

Jack:"Motherfucker!"

He pulled out his Auto hack tool and used it on the safe,which finally popped open.

Jack:"Let's see... $25,9 00 buck,3 AP pistol rounds. I wasted a perfectly good tool for this?"

Jack tore the door of the safe off and smashed the husk of the turret with it.

Turret:"Are you still there?"

He backtracked the entrance to the dental wing and melted the Ice with Incinerate. He entered Kure all.

Jack:"Why are there so many fucking dentists offices?"

A rocket whizzed past his face and blew up a Splicer trying to kill Jack.

Jack:"Holy shit!"

Jack dove for cover behind the desk,the rockets kept hitting the desk.

Jack:"Your wasting ammo tard!"

He jumped up and shot the RPG turret with an AP round,destroying it. He went in the next room and picked up an audio diary.

Diary:"This is doctor Suchong,we tested new plasmid on Cookie Monster. He stormed around and killed Elmo,who came to pick him up,by eating him. I have dubbed it 'enrage',because that sounds cool. (SMASH) ''COOKIE'' Nurse! Restrain him! Fuck this...(BANG)..."

Jack:"What kind of name is Suchong?"

Jack soon heard the annoying squeaking noise again.

Jack:"They need some oil for those things."

He easily shot the camera before it saw him. He rounded the corner and found another safe. He had to hack it a few times,but he got it open.

Jack:"A med kit,5 dollars,and a pep bar. Great."

He was about to leave when he spotted a vent.

Jack:"Maybe theres some more of those delicious potato chips in there."

He bashed it open and crawled inside. All he found was a few bandages and a Wrench Jockey tonic.

Jack:"This is a dentist office right? Then where are all the stickers and lollipops they give to kids?"

Jack started crawling back through the vent,but he stopped when he saw the legs of splicer.

Jack:"Whoo mamma."

The splicer lifted her dress up,revealing these ugly grotesque legs.

Jack:"Uggghh."

Jack slid through the vent and bashed the crap out of the splicers head with his wrench. It turned out to be a male splicer.

Jack:"They have cross dressers down here too? This town is completely fucked up."

To be continued...

**Sorry this isn't the full chapter,but I've adapted to writing in Novel format working of my Silent Kill:Battered memories story and wanted to start the next one as that format. Don't worry,the next chapter will come much sooner.**

**SUPREMACISTS SUCK!**


	3. Jack and The Boomstick

Chapter 3:Jack and the Boomstick

Disclaimer:I don't own any shit unless I say it's mine,bitches.

**Note:Due to the goody 2 shoes ways of critics united,I will now be writing this story in Novel format.**

**You know what pisses me off? The copyright assholes shut down this fanmade Redwall Movie project on Devient Art. I was looking forward to that. It should be more than enough to say "I don't own redwall,it is owned by Brian Jacques" and be done with it. I hope they don't mess with me when I start publishing my content.**

Jack wandered back into the dentist wing hallway.

"Seriously, why are there so many dentist offices so close together?" Jack asked himself.

Then his eyes saw something on the floor that never got Jack so excited. "A SHOTGUN!"

He sprinted over to it and snatched it off the ground,cradling it.

"I can't believe it, my wish came true! _Maryoku Yummy_ really does exist!" Jack said.

"Your Welcome!" Maryoku Yummy said from her weird dreamland or whatever the fuck it's called.

"Hey, I'm the one who granted that wish!" Ooka said.

"Piss off, he's thanking me." Maryoku said.

"I deserve his thanks!" Ooka hissed.

"You deserve this!" Maryoku yelled as she hit Ooka over the head with a lead pipe. The lights around Jack went off.

"Well,that never means good." He said. He heard laughing and yelling all around him.

A female splicer with a pipe came out of the shadows.

"KABLAM!" Jack yelled as he blew her away with his shotgun.

More splicers charged into the small circle of light Jack was in. He blew away 3 more before his shotgun's mag ran out.

"Damn, thats the bad thing about old style shotguns." He said as he ran around in circles, putting shells in the shotgun while splicers followed him.

He blew the rest of them away. "I'm surprised their heads didn't blow off."

The lights came back on and Jack proceeded down the hall, broke a Health station with his wrench and took it's med kits. He passed by the windows of Painless dental when a turret on the other side of them started firing at him. The glass shattered and he dove to the floor. He quickly popped up, zapped the turret and jumped inside. He hacked the turret.

"Hello." The turret said.

"That is still fucking creepy." Jack said as he blew it apart with his shotgun.

"The machine you damaged is friendly and won't attack you." Said an onscreen message. Jack smashed it with his wrench.

"I don't give a crap about your damn pacifists ways!" He hissed.

In the next room, he found a dentists chair. Steam filled the room, blocking all vision.

"(Cough) (Cough) Damn, someone open a window." Jack said.

When the smoke lifted, a body lay on the chair.

"Yech,dehydrated woman." He said again as he looted her corpse for a buck. He grabbed an Audio diary on a cabinet.

"Plasmids are paint. We sell them to innocent bystanders and they paint city red. Who knew that they would use Incinerate for violence? Anyway, Ryan industries make hundreds off plasmid market. We also start selling smuggled items,such as cigarettes, cigars, weed, cocaine, arcade machines, and VCRs. Who knows what else upper world will create, maybe mobile phones. Bye bye." It said.

Jack noticed a tonic in the corner.

"Cool,another body altering potion. I hope it gives me the power to conjure potato chips out of nowhere." He said as he picked it up.

It was the Speedy hacker tonic.

"Hacking? Pfffft. Who needs hacking? I'm the guy who just blows up anything in his path." He said, putting it in his gene bank.

The room filled with steam again.

"If this is your method of hitting on me, it isn't working!" He said.

The steam faded.

"Oh well." Jack said as he turned around.

A splicer with a pipe stood right behind him. Jack was so startled that he accidentally hit the splicer with incinerate. The splicer ran around, trying to put the fire out. Jack picked up a bucket of liquid and splashed it on the splicer. The flames grew bigger. Jack read the label on the bucket, and it said 'kerosine'. Jack pussyfooted out of the room and found another vent, which he kicked in and crawled inside. The other end came out in a room with a splicer sitting on a gas canister.

"Why can't I get any ADAM?" The splicer cried.

Jack kicked the grate out.

"Who the fuck are you?" The splicer hissed, brandishing his pistol.

Jack took aim at the canister.

"I hope common game physics apply here." He said as he shot it with his shotgun.

It exploded, throwing the splicer's burning, lifeless corpse in front of him.

"Hmmm,maybe thats why they won't let me keep propane tanks in my house." Jack said as he grabbed an Auto hack tool.

Jack backtracked to the main hall and entered Dandy dental. He looted the cash register and grabbed an Audio diary.

"These children, so ugly. Big red eyes and thirst for ADAM. One sat on my lap and I swatted her with golf club. I yelled 'get off you dumbkoff!', then I realized it's not them I hate, it's the fact that I can no longer get MAD Magazines down here." It said.

"The Telekinesis Plasmid should be nearby Boyo." Atlas said over the radio.

"Damn it, I thought you were gone." Jack said as he went through this glass door.

There was a big red button on the panel in front of him. Of course, he pressed it.

"Wonder what this-Ouch!" He said as a tennis ball hit him square in the jaw. "What the fu-OW!"

Another hit him in the groin. They were coming from a turret down the hall. Jack equipped his wrench and hit the ball that came next, then the next, then the next, then the next... Until he got bored and shot the turret with his pistol's AP bullets.

"Well this was pointless." He said as he turned around and saw a Gatherer's Garden machine with a Plasmid in it's slot. "I stand corrected."

Jack rushed over to the machine and snatched the Plasmid, which was Telekinesis. Jack skipped past the description menu and got a different message.

"You have no open Plasmid Slots,choose the slot to replace." It read as it to Jack to the Plasmid slot screen.

"What the fuck? You can only use a number at a time? Can my blood not handle the massive amount of Radiation from them or some shit like that? You know what, I have a better question. How do I take past Plasmids out? Does the syringe just suck all trace of it out of my blood stream? Or maybe, when I first took a Plasmid, it installed some weird slot system in my lungs or something and when I switch one out, the one I switch out goes somewhere...I hope not as urine." Jack questioned as he switched Electro bolt out for telekinesis.

He also grabbed an Audio diary by the machine.

"Telekinesis trials successful. Not fast enough to stop bullet, but can stop grenade. Unfortunately,cannot strip clothes off women. That main reason I invent telekinesis. Still, it very useful when watching game and want beer. Also inventing new sport, Tele-ball. If only I think of more creative name, maybe grabber." It said.

Jack equipped his new Plasmid and picked up a nearby Tennis ball with it. Then, he shot it at the turret's destroyed husk.

"Man, I'm kinda thirsty." He said.

He used Telekinesis to grab a can of Bud Lite and drank it. Then he grabbed a bag of potato chips. Then a wad of cash, pack of Cigarettes, cream cake, whiskey, vodka, bandage-

"Would you kindly stop dicking around and get to the surgery wing, Boyo?" Atlas hissed over the radio.

Jack left the glass chamber and saw a Splicer enter the room by some explosive canisters.

"Pick up explosives with telekinesis and throw them at enemies." A message on the screen said.

"Fuck that." Jack said as he shot the canisters with his pistol and sent the Splicer flying down into the lower section.

He went down and looted the splicers body and saw a safe as he looked up.

"I'm not even going to bother. These safes never have anything good." He said.

"Are you sure? It might have something good in it, boyo." Atlas said.

"Mmmmm, Potato chips." Jack said.

Jack decided to take a chance and hack it manually. He found it easy, as he was a master of those _Timesplitters: Future Perfect_ hacking games. He opened the safe. He found, not potato chips, but 40 electric buck rounds!

"No. Fucking. Way...AWESOME!" He squealed with delight as he loaded them in his shotgun.

He stormed out of Dandy dental and saw a splicer walking around. He fired his shotgun at him and was delighted to see electric sparks wrap around it's body before falling to the ground, lifeless. Jack laughed like a crazy man. Jack wandered by a broken window and saw something inside, hanging on the wall.

"Is that a keycard from _Resident Evil 4_?" He asked himself.

The camera from inside the room spotted Jack and triggered a security alert. Annoyed by the sound, Jack blasted the camera then turned his shotgun on the security bots it deployed. After the Alert ended, Jack used Telekinesis to grab the thing behind the window. It was a keycard.

"Hmm, must work on this door." He said to himself, thinking for once. "Wait, this door has a button, but no keycard slot. How do you unlock a button with a keycard?"

Jack managed to open the door and went inside. He salvaged some money from nearby cabinets and proceeded to the connecting room. He was spotted by another security camera, which he destroyed after the alert. When the security bots showed up, Jack attempted to zap them with electro bolt, but he realized he swapped it for Telekinesis. The bots shot him up with their guns. Jack had no alternative but to blow them out of the sky with his shotgun.

"Not even all the security bots in the world could replace little Jack." Jack said as a tear rolled down his cheek.

He used his auto hack tool on a nearby safe and got 50 bucks from it. He went back upstairs to the lobby, killing a few splicers along the way. He stood at the sealed entrance to the surgery foyer.

"What am I supposed to do again?" Jack asked Atlas.

"You have to catch a bomb and throw it at the rubble, boyo." Atlas said.

Almost on queue, A nitro splicer appeared on the upper Balcony. Startled, Jack blew him away with his shotgun.

"Whoops. I killed him." Jack told Atlas.

Another nitro splicer appeared in the last one's place. Jack blasted him with his shotgun and he fell to the floor Jack was on.

"That was strange. Him appearing after the first died." Jack said.

Yet another Nitro splicer appeared in the same place. Jack swung his shotgun on the other side of his body and blasted this one too.

"Are you coming from one of those generators that spawns enemies or something?" Jack asked.

"Have you cleared the rubble yet?" Atlas asked.

"No, these stupid bomb guys keep coming back." Jack said as he blasted another.

"Good, then you can use their bombs to hurl at the rubble." Atlas said as Jack shot another.

"Did you know you went through 2 sentences without saying boyo?" Jack stated as he shot another.

"Hell yes, Boyo." Atlas said.

"I knew it was too good to last." Jack said.

Jack grabbed a bomb with Telekinesis and threw it at the rubble. Then, he shot the nitro splicer, who fell into the huge pile of dead nitro splicers Jack killed seconds ago. Jack went through the doorway and was greeted by a message written in blood on the wall.

"Go away! This area is contaminated!" It said.

"Wow, I better leave." Jack said as he turned around.

"It's just a trick boyo. Get in there and kill Steinman!" Atlas yelled.

"Jeez, sounds like someone had too much Guinness." Jack said as he turned around again.

He picked up an audio diary on the floor.

"Lines of symmetry. I forgot exactly what the hell this means, but I'm sure it involves plastic surgery! I can change these lines with my stitches and magic scalpel. Sorry, I just operated on Sammy from _Sammy's story shop_ and his song got in my head. He wanted to look less retarded, so I made him look like a zombie bear. Anyway, I can change those lines so much that I could go as far as placing a foot on your face. Times almost up. I've wasted 100 dollars on these damn audio diaries that I keep leaving all over the place. I wish they sold paper ones. Well, I'm off again. I'm going to give Alice from _American Mcgee's Alice_ a breast implant." It said.

Jack looked down the hall. There was a big puddle of water in the middle with a tonic in it.

"Coolorooni." Jack said, walking towards it.

Bang bang bang!

Jack dove for cover behind the corner he passed as the turret at the end of the hall opened fire on him. He dove through the air and blasted it with his shotgun. He picked up the tonic, which was a static discharge tonic. He equipped it. Then he peeked into this side room, which had a camera over a safe. Jack blasted it and tried hacking the safe. It short circuited.

"Damn it. Fine, heres your damn money!" Jack said as he bought out the safe for 100 dollars. It contained a bunch of med kits. "What the hell am I supposed to do with these?"

Jack picked up another audio diary.

"Aphrodite. A naked bitch born in the foam of the seas. Goddess of love. Now I declare myself the new god of love! I can make people beautiful! That makes other people fall in love with them! I possess this power! I am the only one who can use it! Bow down before me! Puny mortals! I am Steinodite! The new God of Love! Kratos must have sex with me now! Yes! I will replace the naked women in the next _God of War_ game!" It said.

Jack went through the door at the end of the hall. He came into a room with 2 health stations. He smashed one and hacked the other. He looked through the window in the center of the room. Steinman was standing over an operating table with a corpse on it. The rest of the room bathed in darkness.

"All these years of bringing love to the people of Rapture, none of them are worthy now. Like this one!" Steinman yelled as a light shone on a body hanging from a panel. "Too fat!"

"And this one!" He yelled as another body was lit up. "Too black!"

"And this one!" He yelled as naked body showed up. "Too...nothing really wrong with this one."

"Fuck yeah." Jack said, oogling the corpse.

"Whats this? This man. He's so hideous!" Steinman said, looking at Jack.

"Well your no James Blunt yourself, House." Jack insulted.

"I am the god, Steinodite! I will make him beautiful!" Steinodite yelled as he pulled out his tommy gun.

He shattered the window in front of Jack with a couple bullets. Jack dove out of the way.

"Jeez, when did they start giving doctors machine guns?" Jack asked himself.

Our protagonist dove through the window and selected his Incinerate Plasmid. "Have a little fire, Steinman!"

Jack threw a fireball at Steinman/Steinodite, who moved to the left. He caught fire anyway because the fireball ignited an oil slick Steinman/Steinodite was standing on. He screamed and ran down to the lower corridor, which was flooded and Jumped in. Jack ran down after him.

"Damn it, come out you fagg!" Jack yelled, brandishing his shotgun.

"LOVE BEAM!" Steinodite yelled as he shot Jack with a pink beam.

"I wuv you." Jack said, with hearts in his eyes.

As he stood there motionless, Steinodite hit him in the head with the stock of his tommy gun. Jack's Static discharge tonic went into effect and a wave of electricity emitted, electrifying the water. Jack and Steinodite were shocked so much, you could see their skeletons. After it faded, Jack regained control.

"Die you psycho bitch!" He yelled as he blasted Steinodite with his electric buck, shocking the water and themselves again.

Heavily wounded, Steinodite limped away after the effect faded. He unfortunately didn't have access to any healing powers. He stumbled back into the room Jack was in. He saw the first health station was destroyed, so he limped to the other one.

"You were a fool to deceive me! Now I will restore my health and Finish you!" Steinodite yelled as he inserted 15 dollars and pulled the lever.

The machine shot out a stream of yellow liquid right into Steinodite's face. "Ugghh, what the hell is this?"

And that wasn't the best of it. 2 miniguns emerged from the health station. They said "Eat lead sucker." before blasting Steinodite with 1000 bullets. He was thrown back into the lower corridor.

"No. This cannot be. I am the great Steinodite. (Coughs up blood). Why couldn't I give that hideous girl from _Dirtgirl world_ a makeover so she wouldn't be so creepy?" He croaked before he died.

While that was happening, Jack broke into Steinodite's safe and bandaged himself up with the med kits inside. He quickly noticed Steinodite's corpse and ran over and bashed him in the skull with his wrench.

"I think you got him, boyo. He was one spliced up motherfucker." Atlas said.

"I don't know. He reminds me of a berserk postal worker." Jack said as he poked Steinodite's corpse with his wrench.

"Grab his key and get to the overide switch." Atlas said.

Jack grabbed Steinodite's key. Before he left, he went up to the table with the corpse Steinodite was operating on. Jack sat on top of it and kissed it while rubbing his hands against it's thighs. He discovered an Audio diary in it's pocket.

"There. Her breast are at maximum size. Whats this? Her lips are old and wrinkly. Nurse, Scalpel. Doctor, she only came in for a breast augmentation. Listen good. Your only job is to hand me my instruments. If you don't like what I'm doing, get the fuck out. Now give me my damn scalpel! Alright Alright. By the way, what size is you buttocks? What? That ass is hideous! I will make it beautiful! Dr. Steinman please! I am no longer Dr. Steinman! Now I am Steinodite! God of Love! AAAAAHHHHHHHH! DOCTOR PLEASE! There. Your ass is enlarged. Now for those lips." It said.

Jack eventually got bored with making out on the corpse and left the way he came. 3 Splicers were standing in the puddle, splashing around in it.

"Whee! Isn't this fun!" One said.

"Yay! I'd prefer this over homicide any day!" Another said.

Jack took aim with his shotgun and blasted them with Electric Buck. The water amplified the effect, frying the retards. Jack strolled on back to the surgery foyer. The corpses of the Nitro splicers were being devoured by rats. However, Isaac Clarke from _Dead Space_ stumbled into the glass corridor, badly wounded. 2 splicers stood over him.

"Ha Ha Ha. Your fancy armors gonna be worth a lot at the store." One said.

"Actually, I'm kinda thirsty. Lets have a drink." Isaac said.

He fired his Pre-ordered Rivet gun at the glass. It shattered and water poured in faster than the sequel to _Resident Evil 3_. The doors sealed themselves. Jack pounded on it with his wrench.

"The tunnels collapsed. Your gonna have to go through the lounge boyo." Atlas said.

"How the fuck did that happen?" Jack asked.

He walked past a window right before Isaac swam past it. Jack strolled into the corridor of a velvet carpeted room. Suddenly, a flaming bouncer smashed through the wall on the right, dead.

"A little ones nearby, now's your chance to get some ADAM boyo." Atlas said.

"Who cares about the ADAM?" Jack asked as he looted the Bouncer's body for 100 bucks.

Jack walked into the next room and saw a Splicer walking towards a little sister.

"Would you like some candy?" It asked, holding a Twix bar out to her.

"Oh, you meant the girls? I thought you were talking about leprechauns." Jack said.

Suddenly, several shots rang out and the splicer slumped on the floor. Jack looked up and saw this old woman standing on the balcony with a pistol. She aimed it at him.

"You want to get shot next, scum!" She yelled.

"Easy doctor. He's just looking to get a wee bit of ADAM. And some bad morality points." Atlas muttered.

"You don't have to kill her! She can be cured! All it costs is being unable to purchase the most extreme stuff at the gatherer's garden. I mean...Damn it!" The woman said.

"Oh yeah? What if I told you that she was the one who poisoned those sweet little girls in the first place, boyo? They're the walking dead! Pretend it's _Dead Island_. Every zombie you kill, you get more experience! Theres no hope of saving that little brat, so just harvest her and get some ADAM!" Atlas insisted.

"What the hell do I do with this ADAM?" Jack asked.

"You can use it to purchase crap at the gatherer's garden machines! You can get new Plasmids, Tonics and upgrades! If you rescue the little brat, you'll barely get any ADAM boyo. Harvest her, and the greatest powers beyond your imagination come true!" Atlas said.

"Hmmm. That does sound more beneficial." Jack said, rubbing his chin.

"Harvest Her! Harvest the brat boyo!" Atlas yelled.

"No No No No No No No No! Don't harvest her! You can save her with this!" The woman yelled.

She threw a Plasmid down that hit Jack on the head. He picked it up.

"Spare the child and I can make it worth your while!" The Woman yelled.

"Worth my while? Whats better than being able to afford more powers?" Jack asked.

"For every 3 little sisters you save, you'll get-" She said as she pulled out this big vial. "200 units of ADAM!"

"Big deal. You can get 3 times that much if you harvest them boyo." Atlas said.

"Thats true." Jack said.

"But wait! Theres more! You will also receive a random tonic or plasmid!" The woman said, holding up a tonic.

"He can get those easily with all the ADAM he accumulates." Atlas said.

"Your right, I'm gonna harvest that little bitch. Where is she?" Jack said,brandishing his wrench.

"Wait! We also reward ammunition!" The woman said.

"Big deal, I can find that all over the place." Jack said.

"If you rescue this one, you will get.." The woman said before rummaging through her bag. "A pre-ordered copy of _God of war 3_!"

"Got it." Jack said.

"A coupon to Pizza hut!" The woman said, holding it up.

"Hate it." Jack said.

"A cream cake!" The woman said, holding it up.

"Hmmmm. No, I can find those all over the place too. You got any potato chips?" Jack asked.

"Uhhh, No." The woman said.

"Then I guess I'll have to harvest her." Jack said, turning around.

"Wait! I also have a limited edition Spyro plush!" The woman said, holding it up.

"A WHAT!" Jack asked as he spun around. "I've always wanted one of those!"

"Then rescue the girl and I will give it to you." The woman said.

"Oakie dokey." Jack said.

"What! Boyo, don't listen to her! Shes a madwoman! Think of the ADAM!" Atlas yelled before Jack shut off his radio.

"Where is the brat?" Jack asked.

"Shes hiding behind that trunk." The woman said.

Jack went around the trunk and saw the little sister, cowering. He picked her up and she swatted at his hands.

"Take it easy. I'm trying to save you, you little bitch!" Jack yelled.

He rubbed her head and her veins glowed. There was a bright flash. When Jack regained his sight, the Little sister was human again. Jack got 80 units of ADAM.

"Thank you." She said before running off into a nearby sister vent.

"Now give me my plush!" Jack demanded.

"Very well." The woman said.

She dropped the plush from the Balcony and Jack snatched it before it hit the ground. Jack hugged it with all his strength. "I love you Spyro! I wish you were the same as before in that shitty _Skylanders:Spyro's adventure_ game!"

Jack put the plush in his sweater vest (he could fit anything in that). A door on the other side of the room opened. Behind it was a Gatherer's Garden machine and an Audio diary. Jack waltzed over and picked it up.

"The gatherer, those ridiculously adorable little girls, are helpless. We've had several cases where she was dissolved and the freak who killed her took her slug. As the god of love, I have formulated a plan to stop this! We will encase her in a magic shield. Then, we will give her her own incinerate plasmid for protection. If that isn't enough, we'll arm her with a shotgun! Of course, some of my colleagues recommend using a bodyguard, but who's the god of love? Me or them? My plan would be much more effective. In fact, why not give the little sister a tank! Why not put the slugs in the body of Duke Nukem! No one, I mean no one would be able to Harvest him!" It said.

Jack took a look at the garden's merchandise. It had a Plasmid slot(100 ADAM), Health upgrade(80 ADAM), EVE link(20 ADAM), Armored Shell(20 ADAM), Enrage(60 ADAM), Physical tonic slot(80 ADAM), EVE upgrade(80 ADAM), and Extra Nutrition(20 ADAM).

"Pfffft. I don't have to pay these prices. I'll just hack the machine." Jack said.

"Actually you can't hack them machines, boyo." Atlas said.

"What the? I thought I turned you off!" Jack yelled.

"You were a fool to save her boyo. Now you won't be able to get all the good stuff!" Atlas said.

"Hey, the reviewers chose to rescue them. If you got a problem, take it up with them." Jack said.

"Fine. Just buy whatever the fuck you want." Atlas said.

"Let's see. I eat a lot, so I'll get the nutrition thing. And I take a lot of damage and use med kits." Jack thought.

Jack bought Armored Shell, Extra nutrition, and EVE link. He put Hacker's delight in the gene bank. He went through a nearby door and re-entered the lobby.

"Theres a bouncer nearby, Boyo. Your ready. Ready to take on a Big Daddy!" Atlas said.

"You mean those big retarded things in diving suits? Fuck yeah. I'll tear him up!" Jack bragged.

Jack ran out into the lobby and saw the Bouncer stomping about. A little sister was guiding him.

"Don't be slow Mr. B." The Little sister said.

"Sweet! Now I can purchase that Enrage thing!" Jack said, running for the little sister.

The Bouncer saw Jack as a threat and swatted him to the side. Jack got up.

"Prepare to boil iron lung." Jack threatened.

He raised his hand and flicked it at the Bouncer, but nothing happened. He groaned and stabbed an EVE hypo in his arm. He threw an Incinerate ball at the Bouncer, which really wasn't all that effective. The Bouncer charged at Jack with it's drill. Jack was thrown against the wall and the Bouncer thrust it's drill into his gut, much like the first chapter.

"Jesus! How the hell am I still alive?" Jack screamed.

Jack blasted the Bouncer with Electric buck. It let Jack go as it recoiled back. Jack immediately used a med kit and took cover behind the counter. He loaded his Pistol with AP rounds. The Bouncer lifted the counter up, revealing Jack. He shot the Bouncer in the face with AP rounds. The Bouncer dropped the counter on it's foot and howled in pain. As it struggled to free it's foot Jack ran behind it and smacked it continuously with his wrench.

The Bouncer slammed Jack with it's elbow, sending him flying into the adjacent wall. Various magazines fell down from the racks that held them onto Jack. He opened one and pulled out the sample of Perfume. He ran up to the Bouncer and stuck it's adhesive side to the Bouncer's helmet, blinding it. Jack blasted it several times with his Shotgun's Electric buck before it finally died. Jack looted it's corpse for money. A message appeared on screen.

"Your wallet is full." It said.

"What the hell? I can only hold 500 dollars? Then why is there a 4th digit? This is bullshit! Can't I just stuff some in my pockets? Fuck you Game!" Jack yelled.

He stuffed the Money in his pants and took the med kit and AP ammo it held. The little sister cried over the loss of her cyborg father. Jack rescued her too and Got another 80 ADAM. He backtracked to the Gatherer's Garden Machine and purchased Enrage, which he replaced Telekinesis with. Then he went all the way back to the emergency access thing he had been trying to get through this whole time.

"All this crazy shit, just for a damn key." He said.

He inserted the key and opened the door. He went inside and found a massive Bathysphere. Like the one he rode into Rapture. "A fucking sphere?"

"That is Rapture Metro. It's like a train station, except underwater and somewhat gayer. Boyo." Atlas said.

"Doesn't Rapture have a Train system?" Jack asked, drinking some Vodka.

"Yes, but it's exclusive to _Bioshock 2_. Right now, you can only go to one place. Neptune's bounty. Get in and find the smuggler's cove. I'm looking forward to shaking your hand." Atlas said.

"Ewww, I ain't shaking your booze covered hand." Jack said.

Jack got into the Bathysphere. He pulled the lever, which sent the sphere down. As it started for it's destination, Jack vomited on the glass door due to motion sickness.

To Be continued...

**I know the script format may be difficult at first, but get used to it. Any advice on how to make the combat scenes more humorous is welcome.**

**Supremacists suck!**


	4. Something smells fishy

Chapter 4:Something smells fishy

Still don't own anything.

**You know how people collect all sorts of stuff? Some collect marbles. Some collect Menus (Watch Rifftarx:Shy guy for proof). But do you Know what I collect? Strategy Guides. Yes, the books that tell you how to get through the game and all it's secrets. I have at least 100 of them. No seriously. I have 6 shelves full of them and 4 bags full. I'm worried that if I get any more, I won't have anywhere to put them. It started with _Kingdom Hearts_. I developed a liking to looking at the list of items. Then it slowly grew. I don't collect as many as I used to, but I do get the ones for the games I might play in the future. Some are quite old or rare. I have one for the original _Final Fantasy_ for the NES. Also have some hard to find _Zelda_ guides. Also, did you know they only made the strategy guide for _Final Fantasy 6 advance_ in Japanese? Seriously, search for it on eBay. I actually have one, but I can't read a word of it. That is serious bullshit. I've also encountered some guides that are notoriously overpriced. _Metro 2033_, 100 bucks. _Haunting Ground_, 205 bucks. _Alone in the dark(original)_, 200 bucks. So if your down about what you collect, remember what I collect.**

The metro came to a stop at Neptune's Bounty's dock. Jack set down the gameinformer he was reading and got up. He slipped on a pool of his vomit and fell out the door. He got up once again. There was a Circus of Values, and another thing at the dock.

"Alright, you have to get to Fontaine Fisheries boyo. Thats where the entrance to the cove is." Atlas said.

Jack examined the other thing. It's what we all know as a gene bank. A message appeared on the screen about it when Jack approached it.

"Gene banks allow you to swap out your currently equipped tonics and Plasmids." It read.

"Wait, so everyone here injects themselves with dangerous genetic altering potions? Then they built this, which is like an ADAM ATM because everyone is wielding that shit. Why the hell would they make stuff like Electro Bolts and Incinerates and not expect people to use them as weapons? Has this city no brains? Oh well. At least I can get rid of this cheap ass fire ball." Jack said.

Jack swapped Incinerate with Electro Bolt. He stopped at the Circus of Values and tried hacking it. He failed so he just broke down and bought some potato chips at full price. Jack jumped off the nearby plank and went down the hall, snacking on his chips. He came to a Health station, which he paid no mind to. Then all of a sudden, he saw a shadow on the wall of another hall. Nervous, he drew his Shotgun and carefully advanced towards the shadow, still eating chips.

The Shadow darted away. Jack fired his shotgun at the wall and fell down.

"Damn, I thought this was _Bioshock_. Not _F.E.A.R_." He said.

Jack got up again and went through the door. He was in an open area with 2 boardwalks. He was standing on one. Between them was some weird crap. He saw some Splicers shooting at some different dude in a diving suit. Only this one wasn't all brawn and used a drill. It had a frigging Rivet gun, like the one Isaac used in the last chapter, but more primitive.

The Splicers stood on a higher platform, firing at it from the safety of it's height. The Rosie (Thats what they're called) pulled out this light green thing and threw it at the splicers. Upon coming in contact with them, it exploded and the bodies fell down to the floor. Jack soon noticed a Little Sister beside it.

"Hey Atlas? Are there different kinds of Big daddies?" Jack asked.

"Oh yeah, boyo. There are 2 kinds so far. They invent another during _Bioshock 2_ and also had a prototype model which also appears in _Bioshock 2_." Atlas said.

Jack took a few steps forward before he was hit in the arm by a bullet. He dove for cover behind a post and peeked around it. There was a turret underneath the opposite boardwalk.

"I am really getting pissed at the placement of enemies in this game." He muttered to himself.

Jack armed his pistol with AP rounds and jumped off the boardwalk he was on. Another turret that was beneath his boardwalk shot him several times in the back.

"You Fucker!" Angry, he turned to face it. The other turret shot him in the back several times as well. They did this 3 times and if it weren't for the push button healing process, Jack would have died. Angry, Jack zapped the closest turret with Electro bolt and destroyed the other with his pistol. He crawled under the nearest boardwalk and hacked the turret.

He crawled out from that boardwalk and went into the center area. He picked up the tonic on the ground, it was Medical expert.

"Increased health restoration? Pfffffffttt. That's why I can hold 9 med kits." He said.

He threw it in his gene bank and went under the opposite boardwalk. He found some AP ammo for the Machine gun and an Audio diary.

"Well, Timmy H is dead. Oh well. Hes got a nice bathysphere. If I took it, I wouldn't have to ride on that cruddy public one. Lets see... Where did I leave his keys? Maybe on his corpse. What was the damn combination? Lets see...1016? No. 8466? No. 7463? No. Damn it. I should have written it down. Jeez. I could use a smoke. How much dough do I got? $23.71? Damn, those cigarettes are 50 bucks. I could afford a pack or two if I sold Jimmy's bathysphere. Where did I leave his keys again? God, I need to wrap a string around my finger or something. Wait, there is one around my finger. I wonder what it's for?" It said.

Jack almost fell asleep during the diary. He crawled out from under the Boardwalk and encountered a male splicer in a suit with a baseball bat.

"Hey! You stole my stashed AP ammo! You bastard!" It cried.

Jack decided to try out his new Enrage Plasmid. He equipped it and was surprised to see a rotten apple spawn from his hand.

"What the hell? How do apples fit into all this?" He asked himself.

He gave up on that question and threw the apple at the splicer. He turned red and screamed. He ran over to the Rosie and swatted it in the head with his bat. It broke and the Rosie filled him with a couple of rivets.

"Ha Ha Ha. I could get used to this." Jack said.

A female splicer in a red dress with a pistol came out from a nearby door.

"Were you the one who rummaged through my underwear drawer?" She demanded.

Jack threw an apple at her too. She screamed and shot the Rosie in the head. The Rosie got angry and shot her with a rivet. The splicer weathered this and ran across the room into the corridor Jack entered through. The Rosie gave chase. More gunfire was heard along with rivets being fired. The Rosie came back into the room, calm. Jack saw the corpse of the splicer, pinned to the wall behind the door.

"Alright. Time to get down to business." Jack said.

He zapped the Rosie with Electro bolt and ran up behind him.

"Wait. Rosies are male?" He asked, pausing his attack.

The rosie turned around and swatted him back. Then, Jack learned something very important about Rivets. They hurt like crap man! As a result of being shot in the groin with one. He jumped up and blasted it back with his shotgun. The electric buck stunned it in place. Jack shoved his shotgun right in front of it's helmet and pulled the trigger. Blood and glass flew everywhere as the Rosie slumped over, dead. Jack looted it's body.

"Sweet. Exploding buck and 100 bucks! Now, wheres that little bitch?" He asked himself.

He looked under the boardwalk and in the entrance corridor. Then he checked the ash tray and waste basket. The little sister was nowhere to be found.

"Where the fuck is that little bitch?" Jack asked himself again.

Then he was horrified when he saw her come out of a nearby door, with another Rosie. He snatched the Radio out of his vest pocket and yelled into it.

"ATLAS! Can little sisters create new big daddies?" Jack demanded.

"No, boyo." Atlas said.

"Do some big daddies wander alone?" Jack asked.

"Yes." Atlas said.

"Motherfucker! I killed the wrong one!" Jack hissed.

"Then kill this one the same way you killed the other boyo." Atlas said.

"I can't! I used up all my Electric buck!" Jack yelled.

"Then find some other way to kill it!" Atlas said.

Jack sat down on the boardwalk and started thinking. Could he pretend to drink with it and, when they toast, slip some poison in the drinks? Nope, how can it drink through that helmet? What if he just kept whacking it with his wrench and regenerate at a Vita chamber if he dies, and does it continuously. Nahh, that's stupid. Could he just grab the little sister and hide somewhere? Nahh, that's weak.

What if he used an Umbrella to lure it into a washing machine, set it on high, threw some tooth picks inside, turned off the machine, shove the machine into the Rapture Metro, light the inside of it with fire, spread salt around the bathysphere, and bang on it with his wrench until that annoying narrator from _Crackdown_ runs into the sphere, strips off his clothes and dances until he dies of exhaustion and his soul incinerates anything in the sphere. Jack is a weird guy.

Suddenly a weird purple light appeared on the glass of the chamber. A familiar black cartoon cat with a white face and pink nose fell through it and landed in front of Jack. As the cat tried to get up, a yellow bag with black x's slammed down on him.

"Baby Felix?" Jack asked.

"I really need to repair that mirror." Baby Felix, the cat, muttered.

"What are you doing in Rapture?" Jack asked.

"You see, I was screwing around in my room-" Baby Felix started.

All Jack heard after that was "blah Blah Blah Blah". He suddenly felt some kind of plan coming into effect. He looked at his left hand, which still had the Enrage apple. Then he looked at the Rosie. Then at Baby Felix. Then his hand, then Felix, then the Rosie. Then his hand, then the Rosie, then Felix. Then the Rosie, then Felix, then a picture of Lara croft from _Tomb Raider_ in a bikini. Jack had no idea where that last one came from.

"..And then after I realized I wear clothes optionally-" Baby Felix tried to finish.

That was the last thing he said before an Enrage apple hit him on the side of the head. His eyes glowed red and red smoke fumed from him.

"Magic bag, do your stuff!" He yelled in a demonic voice.

His yellow bag shape shifted into a double bladed chainsaw. He pulled the cord and it roared to life. He charged at the Rosie and Jack watched in terror as he sliced off it's limbs like they were plastic. The Rosie's decapitated head landed right in front of Jack. Baby Felix held the chainsaw in the air and yelled in a blood thirsty manner. Seconds later, his head exploded into bloody chunks, as a result of Jack's pistol loaded with AP rounds. Baby Felix's headless corpse slumped to the ground. His chainsaw changed back into a bag.

Jack rescued the little sister, getting 80 ADAM. As she ran off to a vent, Jack looted the Rosie's decapitated body. Then, out of curiosity, he opened Baby Felix's bag. He pulled out a dozen chocolate bar wrappers. "Jeez, I'm surprised he isn't a diabetic."

"You have save the lives of my little ones. They have left you a gift at the gatherer's garden." the Woman he met earlier said over the radio.

"Who the fuck are you?" Jack asked.

"They call me Tenenbaum." She said.

"Tenenbaum? Are you russian or something?" Jack asked.

There was no response. Jack looked through the bag again and found a piece of chocolate cake. Jack took a bite out of it and went into the next area. About time too, I spent 4 pages on the same area! After Jack left, Future Felix poked his head through the top of the bag.

"Baby Felix, can you explain to me why I found a snake in my bed?" He asked before he spotted Baby Felix's headless corpse.

Future Felix gasped at the gruesome sight. He almost had a heart attack. In all his years of those ridiculous cartoons he's been in, he had never before seen something from an M-rated fanfic. But that wasn't the worst of it.

"If...If hes dead. Then I'm-" Future Felix said before he blinked out of existence.

Meanwhile, Jack came to another Gatherer's Garden Machine. A Little sister placed a gift box at the foot of it.

"Sweet! More ADAM!" Jack said as he reached out for her.

She ran away before he could grab her. He searched the gift box, it had 200 ADAM, Hypnotize Big Daddy tonic and more AP pistol rounds. Satisfied, he checked out the gatherer's garden. There was a Plasmid slot (100 ADAM), Winter Blast (60 ADAM), Health upgrade (80 ADAM), Sonic Boom (40 ADAM) and Target Dummy (60 ADAM). He had 240 ADAM.

"God, I wish the author would stop making this sound like a math problem." Jack muttered.

Since he liked to kill stuff, he bought Winter Blast and Sonic Boom. He replaced both Enrage and Electro Bolt with them. Then, he bought an additional Plasmid slot, which he put Hypnotize Big daddy in. He went around the other side of the pillar the Garden was in front of and found a circus of Values machine. He went to the nearby gene bank and equipped speedy hacker tonic. Then he managed to hack the machine with little difficulty. He bought some more potato chips and some standard shotgun ammo. He also purchased the exclusive Hacking tool.

"Maybe hacking isn't all that bad after all. Or maybe it's that chocolate cake going to my head." He thought, licking the chocolate icing off his lips.

As he neared the edge of the boardwalk, a turret on top of a lower structure fired at him. He dove behind a posts. "How can they afford to build these damn things?"

He popped out and froze it with Winter blast. Then he sprinted to it and hacked it, which was easier since it was frozen.

"Hello." It said.

"Stop talking!" Jack said as he hit it with his wrench.

Jack decided to have a look around the lower level first. He blasted away a splicer that was in his way. He found more AP ammo for his machine gun. He also saw some items on the ledges under the waterfalls.

"Thats stupid. How the hell am I supposed to reach those?" He asked himself.

He went around the corner and saw something blue behind a locked gate. Upon closer examination, it was a body tied to an electrical frame. There was an Audio diary and Machine gun rounds behind it as well. It was locked with one of those stupid keypads.

"No sweat, these things can't be any more difficult to hack than a safe." He said.

Unfortunately, he was wrong. As he uncovered the tiles, he found an overload tile.

"Hmmmm. What did those do again? I think they end the hack instantly." He thought.

He routed the fluid into the overload tile. As you may have guessed, it exploded on him, throwing him back against a concrete wall. He then fell on top of these boxes. He looked through them and found 3 different kinds of liquor. Knowing his health was low and that he loved to drink, he consumed all of them.

"I'm gonna shove my foot up that keypad's ass." He slurred.

He stumbled over to the keypad and whacked it with his wrench. The numbers flew off and the frame bended. The door opened and he fell in. He grabbed the audio diary and ammo.

"Alright Timmy, wheres Fontaine? Who the hell is Fontaine? AAAAAAHHHHHHH! Okay, lets try a different question. What does a cow say? Uhhhh, quack? AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! If I had one orange and you gave me another, how many would I have? I wouldn't give you my damn orangeSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! Alright, back to business. Where did you get all that ADAM? I butchered a Little sister to get it. Don't you know thats illegal? It is? Then how is a guy supposed to get some ADAM? I'm not sure really, it was never explained in the game. Why did you need all this ADAM? So I could purchase Telekinesis. That way, I wouldn't have to get off my couch to get a beer. You know they're free samples at Dandy Dental? Are you shitting Me? Well I got a Spyro fanclub meeting to get to. I'm afraid you've heard too much. Like whaTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!" It said.

Jack vomited on the dead guy. He got back up. The booze finally wore off and he went back upstairs, towards Fontaine Fisheries. A Male Splicer in suspenders and a cat mask with a shotgun blocked his path.

"Not So fast little lamb. Remember me? I was the one who said your cherry popped." He said.

"Who could forget that?" Jack sighed.

"Your gonna give me your ADAM or I'll blast out your-" The Splicer started.

That was the last line he said before Jack threw him against the wall with his Sonic Boom Plasmid. The Splicer stuck to the wall like a fly momentarily before peeling off and falling to the floor. Jack took his shotgun ammo and walked past him, towards Fontaine Fisheries.

"We will meet again little lamb!" The Splicer yelled.

Jack entered a room with a Pillar that had a First aid station on it. The entrance to Fontaine Fisheries had a conveyor belt next to it's entrance. He followed the waypoint arrow to the entrance and was angry when the door didn't open.

"Atlas, another damn door is busted." Jack yelled as he banged on it with his wrench.

The eye slider thing opened and Jack accidentally banged on the head of some guy in a welder's mask.

"Watch it you little toad." The freak said.

"Ahhhhh! Who the fuck are you!" Jack shrieked.

"Names Peach Wilkins." Peach said.

"Peach?" Jack said before he broke out in laughter.

"Shut up! It's a family name!" Peach said.

"Who's family? Mario's?" Jack said again before breaking out in laughter.

"Listen Peach, my family's trapped in the smugglers cove and boyo needs to get there." Atlas said to Peach.

"Well you'll be quite welcome to." Peach said.

"Really? Thats a spot of luck." Atlas said.

"Ha Ha Ha. Luck, hahahahahah." Jack said before breaking into laughter again.

"If you can get me 3 photos of them freaky Spider Splicers." Peach said.

"Awww Come on. My family is in danger and you want us to take some wild life photos?" Atlas whined.

"Jeez, Atlas. Stop being such a crybaby. I'll do it." Jack said.

"Really?" Peach asked.

"Yeah, I got some new shit I've been wanting to try out on them mutant freaks. Give me the camera and I'll be on my way." Jack said, holding his hand out.

"What camera?" Peach asked.

"How am I supposed to take some pictures without a frigging camera?" Jack demanded.

"I think theres one in the wharfmasters office." Peach said.

"You better do what he says boyo, it helps drag the game on longer." Atlas said.

"Fine." Jack said.

Suddenly, they heard scraping coming from the ceiling. Jack looked up behind him and saw a small red alcove. A splicer wielding 2 scythes crawled out from it and jumped down to the level Jack was on.

"Its one of them! I'll send you some help!" Peach said.

"I don't need help." Jack said.

He blasted his shotgun and the Spider Splicer dodged to the side and Threw a scythe in his shoulder.

"Owwww. Who the fuck throws scythes?" Jack whined.

Jack shot some icicles from his winter blast, freezing the spider splicer. "That should hold him."

The splicer broke out of the ice and performed a leaping slash at Jack, who took more damage.

"There! The Conveyor belt!" Peach yelled.

"I don't have time to look at a fucking conveyor-" Jack started.

He gazed at the conveyor belt and spotted what looked like a grenade launcher made out of soup cans. His eyes shone with delight, until a scythe hit him in the back. He froze the splicer again and grabbed the Grenade launcher. He fired a grenade at the frozen treat and it exploded into little body parts. Jack stood there, motionless and covered in blood.

"That was the coolest explosion ever!" He squealed.

"What are you waiting for? Go get that camera!" Peach said.

"Fuck you!" Jack yelled.

He pointed his grenade launcher at Peach's door and shot a grenade at it, engulfing it in an explosion. When the smoke cleared, Jack was covered in black powder and the door remained shut.

"Alright, who the fuck made these bomb proof doors?" Jack whined.

"Get me them photos and I'll open it." Peach croaked.

"Fine." Jack said.

"And If I smell an ounce of Fontaine on you, I'll have you in a box!" Peach croaked again.

"Who the hell is Fontaine?" Jack asked.

"He's the owner of Fontaine futuristics Boyo." Atlas said.

"What the hell is Fontaine Futuristics?" Jack asked.

"That don't matter, get a move on Boyo!" Atlas said.

Jack went back up the board walk and into a near hall. He stopped at the gene bank and exchanged winter blast for enrage.

"I can't believe I have to run errands like a fucking Whoa!" Jack said before he fell in a hole in the grating. "Damn those motherfucking maintenance workers!"

Jack crawled to the end of the tunnel underneath the grating. He found some Anti Personnel rounds for his machine gun, another hack tool and an Audio diary.

"This Fontaine fellow, he is becoming quite troublesome. Last night, he snatched the cigarette right out of my hand and puffed it himself. His company, Fontaine futuristics has a much higher sales appeal than my own Ryan industries. The bastard is even trying to turn people against me. When I stepped out on my porch to pick up my morning paper, the paper boy hit me right in the face with one, spilling my scalding hot coffee all over my new robe. As he rode off, he called me a totalitarian. Seriously, I am no totalitarian. Sure, I may have outlawed religion or taken control of businesses, but it's for a good cause. That Fontaine wanker has to go." The Audio diary said.

Jack saw 2 splicers above the grating he was under. One was dressed like a doctor and the other was dressed in a brown sweater vest.

"Did you see the new Spyro game? It looks nothing like him!" The doctor said.

"I'll say, the thing I don't like about it is that Cynder ain't in it." the sweater vester said.

"Yeah, she had some cool attacks." The doctor said.

"Who cares about her powers? I get horny just by looking at her! She is so sexy, her black scales and her sexy ass. God, if I was a dragon, I would want to do her." The sweater vester said.

"Are you serious? That's like wanting to bang _Mariel of Redwall_." The Doctor said.

"Actually, I think shes sexy too." The Sweater vester said.

"Alright, I've had enough of this inter-species sex talk." Jack said to himself.

Jack equipped his enrage plasmid and tried throwing an apple at the Sweater vester from under the grate. But for some retarded reason, the apple splat into the air, even though Jack was aiming through an opening.

"Did you hear that?" The Sweater vester asked.

"What? Cynder calling your name?" The doctor asked.

"Hey don't diss her!" The Sweater vester said.

Jack pulled out his shotgun and aimed it at the doctor's groin. He shot it and it bounced off the grating. He realized what was happening.

"Damn It! The fucking designers didn't put holes in this grate texture!" Jack said to himself.

"I swore I heard something." The sweater vester said.

"Your just trying to change the subject." The Doctor said.

"Hey, I'm sure you want to bang someone of a different species too." The Sweater vester said.

"Oh Fuck this." Jack said.

He crawled back down the to the way he came in and jumped out of the opening.

"No, I don't, because it's frigging creepy!" the Doctor said.

Before the Sweater vester could say anything, Jack hit him with an Enrage apple. He growled and hit the doctor with his pipe.

"Hey calm down! I was just screwing around with you!" The doctor said.

The doctor pulled out his pistol and shot the sweater vester several times. The sweater vester dropped dead as the doctor stood over him.

"I'm gonna miss having arguments with you buddy." The doctor said as he stood over the sweater vester.

The doctor's sorrow was ended by 30 machine gun rounds to the chest by Jack. He looted their corpses and went to the upper wharf. He heard loud stomping as he reached the top. In the first room was a bunch of tables, items scattered about. To be honest, I forgot what these rooms even looked like. There was dead fish all over the place. Jack picked up an audio diary near some of them.

"This sea slug. It has super powers. One day, this man who couldn't move his leg got bit by one. Next day, he Olympic runner. Most people don't believe me. They dislike my German accent. The slug carries strange juice. Not kind kool-aid man made out of. Kind that looks like blood and gives you super powers. I could make fortune selling sea slugs. I need money, that for sure. And one other thing...I forgot what it was. Hopefully, Juice won't be used for evil." It said.

"That German bitch discovered ADAM? I thought it was the guy who wrote the bible. No offense, Christian readers." Jack said.

Jack looked to the left and saw another Rosie with another little sister. He saw the little sister as a bag of money.

"Sweet, once I kill her, I can afford that health upgrade." Jack said to himself.

As he crept out of the stairwell, a turret from the end of the hallway opened fire on him. Pissed, he blasted it with his Machine gun. Then Jack got shot in the hip by a splicer with a pistol.

"You killed my brother!" The Splicer yelled.

"Which one was your brother?" Jack asked.

While the splicer pondered the simple question, Jack hit him with enrage. The Splicer turned around and shot at the Rosie. The Rosie threw a grenade at him, sending him flying down to where the turret's husk was. Jack discovered another audio diary by a teddy bear by a sister vent.

"My daughter Masha, she was kidnapped by one of those massive robots. They turned her into one of those little Vampire girls. Masha, if your hearing this tape, please come home. And I'm out of milk, could you pick up a gallon at the store?" It said.

Jack saw corpse, which he looted and found another audio diary.

"I picked up Timmy H today. He was dancing around this dead girl. I was about to ask him for some information and I suddenly realized I was out of Cigarettes, again. So I grabbed him and made him buy me some more. Then we went to the bar, where I boozed him up. He kept talking about Fontaine practicing an Irish accent and-" the diary said before-

"Turn it off boyo!" Atlas yelled.

Jack switched it off.

"What's the big idea?" Jack asked.

"uuhhh unn, That diary was equipped with special hypnotic rays that would turn you into a slave of Andrew Ryan." Atlas said.

"Whoa, thanks for the save." Jack said.

After looking around, Jack turned his attention to the Rosie. He pulled out his grenade launcher and loaded it with some proximity mines he found on the corpse.

"Wait, I'll just hypnotize it!" He said.

Jack armed his Hypnotize Big Daddy tonic, which was a blue apple.

"Oh wait, Adam and Eve, that's why they have the apples." Jack figured out.

He threw the apple at the Rosie and nothing happened.

"What the fuck?" Jack yelled.

He threw several more apples at him until he exhausted his EVE supply. Frustrated, he looked at the Plasmid's information in the pause menu.

"Can only be used on Big daddies withOUT little sisters! Who the hell would want to use it then?" Jack yelled.

He jabbed another EVE hypo in his arm. He was going to have to do this the old fashioned way. He laid some proximity mines on the left side of this doorway. Then he fired his Machine gun, armed with Armor piercing round at the Rosie.

"Ha Ha ha. She'll walked right into my trap." Jack said.

The Rosie got angry and ran through the right side of the doorway.

"Hey! Your supposed to run through the left side!" Jack yelled.

Jack took a couple of Rivets to the side. He retreated back down the stairs leading to the lower wharf. The Rosie followed close behind. Jack blasted it with Sonic boom and nothing happened.

"What the fuck? Is this thing broken?" Jack asked.

The Rosie threw a proximity mine at Jack. He moved to the side and it landed on the floor beside him.

"Your aim kinda stinks." Jack taunted.

The mine exploded. Jack ran down the hall, covered in black powder and fell down into that little crawlspace he was in earlier. The Rosie ran right past that hole. Jack peeked through the top and quickly jumped out of the hole and ran back the way he came. The Rosie caught sight of him and gave chase.

Jack got back to the upper wharf first. He retrieved one of his proximity mines and set it on the right side of the doorway. He hid behind a table, shotgun in hand. He loaded it with the explosive buck cartrages he found earlier. The Rosie stormed up the steps into the room and ran right through the mines. It took massive damage from the explosives but still moved. Jack stood up from behind the table and blasted it with Explosive Buck. He ran out and it was still moving. He used the last of his AP Machine gun rounds and his Pistol's AP rounds.

The Rosie was smoking heavily, parts of his armor were falling off and his torso was separated from his legs. He crawled in front of Jack and grabbed his leg. Jack drew his wrench and slammed it down on the Rosie's head repeatedly until it's light went out. He picked up the little sister and rescued her. He got 80 more units of ADAM.

"I'm gonna wait until that stupid garden thing has something worth buying. Health upgrades are for wimps." He said to himself.

He went to the end of the corridor, where he came to a gate with a lock. He whacked it with his wrench and fell off. Behind it, He immediately saw the Circus of Values Machine. He quickly hacked it and bought a shitload of potato chips to restore his health, which was almost depleted.

"Thank god, nutritious and salty." Jack said as he shoved them in his mouth.

A security camera from around the corner spotted him and started an alarm sequence.

"Oh come on! I was just buying some damn potato chips!" Jack yelled.

Two sentry bots flew in from downstairs. Jack threw them back into the wall with his Sonic Boom. Then he shot that god damned camera with his pistol. He quickly bought 3 AP pistol bullets at the store and waited for them to come out the slot.

"Come on, you could ship 20 bags of potato chips through here, why not bullets?" He asked it.

He got shot in the back by the Sentry bots. Angry, he turned around and blasted them with his shotgun. They both exploded. Then the AP ammo fell out of the machine's slot.

"Great timing." Jack said.

He punched the circus of values Machine. He hurt his hand and backed against this wall. A grenade that was sitting on top of it fell off, right into his hand.

"Hmmmm. Maybe the lord is helping me." He said as he loaded it into his launcher.

He started going up a nearby set of stairs when he heard the annoying squeak noise of the camera. He drew his pistol and backed up against the corner. He waited for the camera's red light to moved away from him.

"Why the hell do they have those red lights? It gives them away. Did they think the camera's are indestructible?" He questioned.

When the camera's red light moved away, Jack leaped out from behind the corner and blasted the camera with an AP round. He continued up the stairs, getting tired of all the climbing. He came to a hallway with a window at the end and a passage to the Right. Jack went up to the window and looked in it. He saw a safe inside.

"Maybe I can find some more electric buck or other treasures. If I were Cate Archer from _No One lives forever_ I could open those in a snap." Jack asked.

He pulled out his wrench and whacked the window with it. It only left a scratch.

"Oh Come ON! The windows are bulletproof too? This town sucks!" Jack whined.

Jack decided to go back to that passage on the Right. It lead into a room with a series of cells in the center. He saw a desk near the entrance. He searched through it's drawer's for any loot. Then he heard a loud "bang". He looked to the left to see a primitive rocket flying towards him! He dove to the floor as it soared over him and exploded into the wall.

"How the hell do they make those things?" Jack questioned again.

He destroyed the turret that fired it with his pistol. He Walked to the entrance to the cells. He destroyed a camera that was looking the other way. He broke the Health station on the wall and took it's first aid kits. Then he found, of all things, an EVE hypo in the sink.

"The let prisoners use these things? Have the police no brains?" He asked.

He went out the other side. Unknowingly, there were 2 RPG turrets on both sides of him. They simultaneously fired Rockets at Jack. Then he saw something shiny on the floor.

"Oh, a quarter." He said.

He bent over to pick it up as the rockets soared over him and blew the turrets up. He stood back up, wondering what the noise was. He went into the office and shot another easily identified camera. He picked up the audio diary on the desk.

"This job blows! They don't let me smoke in the office, they don't let me use the woman's restroom, They don't let me come to work in my underwear, they don't let me listen to my music and they keep stealing my pencils! Oh, they also set up that case with Jimmy H. But who gives a shit about that? This dick weeds can have my badge. I'm gonna pursue my career as a Ballerina." The Diary said.

Jack found another unfamiliar machine. It looked like a giant lever. We all know this as a bot shutdown panel.

"This would have been handy a page ago!" He said.

Jack saw another air vent. He kicked it in and crawled through it. He wound up in the room with the safe he saw earlier.

"Good, now to work my super sneaky safe cracking skills." He said.

He easily hacked it and opened it. He found some Anti Personal rounds for his pistol, some money and 3 Heat seeking RPGs.

"Heat seeking RPGs? Those can't follow targets. Speaking of which, I don't even have a Rocket launcher. Wait a minute..." Jack said.

He equipped his Grenade launcher and saw the RPG's on the ammo indicator.

"These are for my Grenade launcher? Who the fuck thought this bullshit up! RPGs are for rocket launchers! Like the ones in almost every FPS! How does this even work? Why couldn't they just get off their lazy ass and give me a rocket launcher!" Jack whined.

Jack crawled back through the vent and found another hole to crawl through. After he came out on the other side, he saw the Camera on a desk. It was surrounded by a gold aura. There was also a window that glanced into the adjacent room.

"What the hell? Is that thing radioactive or something?" Jack questioned.

He picked it up and another stupid help message came on screen.

"The research camera can grant bonuses and tonics when researching enemies!" The message said.

"What the hell? This must be a camera obscura from _Fatal Frame_. What a bore that was." Jack said.

A spider splicer jumped down from a hole in the ceiling of the adjacent room. He started picking at the corpse inside with his scythes.

"Ewww, he must be an guy who does organ donations." Jack said.

"Just snap a picture of him before he gets away boyo!" Atlas said.

Jack pulled out his camera and aimed it at the Spider Splicer. The Splicer saw Jack and put his hands on his hips like a pose. Jack snapped a picture and got a Damage increase.

"Cool. Now I won't have to waste grenades on these turkeys." Jack said.

The Spider splicer jumped back into the hole in the ceiling. Jack crawled back through the hole he came in at. Just as he stood up, and explosion ripped through the room, throwing him to the ground. He pulled himself up, covered in ash again.

"(cough) (cough) What the hell was that? Is there a break out in progress? Or is it those damn terrorists?" Jack asked.

He went through the hole in the wall created by the explosion. There was a toppled Gatherer's Garden machine on it's side.

"Sweet, maybe this one has some good shit!" Jack said.

He went up to it and tried to look at it's products, but it wouldn't work. The Caption on screen said it was broken.

"DAMN IT!" Jack yelled as he kicked it.

To his left, he saw a ledge outside. He carefully walked on it and found a Plasmid on the ground.

"Whoa, free stuff!" Jack said as he snatched it.

It was the Security Bullseye Plasmid, which he replaced hypnotize big daddy with. A short tutorial video came up.

"Make security kill your enemies!" It said.

Jack saw a Splicer standing in front of a security camera on the floor below.

"How come he doesn't trigger the alarm?" he asked.

"Because he works for Ryan boyo." Atlas said.

"Well maybe this will change his mind!" Jack said.

He equipped his Security Bullseye Plasmid. He got another apple in his hand and threw it at the splicer. The camera triggered a security alert and jack got a big laugh watching Security bots gun down the splicer.

"You can research other enemies with that camera too boyo." Atlas said.

"I'll research em when I'm ready, boyo!" Jack taunted.

"My name isn't boyo." Atlas said.

Jack paid no mind. He jumped down from the ledge and was about to loot the splicer's body. The camera spotted him and triggered an alarm.

"Damn it, I thought that Plasmid would turn camera's to my side." Jack said.

He took cover behind some crates and took a picture of the camera and it's security bots, getting increased damage bonuses. He shot the Sentry Bots with his pistol and then took out the camera. He went to the circus of Values and bought some bullets and potato chips. Since this chapter is already 16 pages long, it might be a good time for a chapter break.

To be continued...

**I was originally going to write the entire Neptune's Bounty section in one chapter, but I fear the document manager won't upload it if it's too big.**

**Also, READ THIS! I am considering giving Jack some buddies from other Video games, like in some of my other stories. However, I was wondering if I should just let jack go through this parody solo, a direction I've never taken before. Therefore, I ask you, the reader, to tell me what I should do. Give Jack some allies, or make him go solo. Tell me what you think in your review.**

**Supremacists Suck!**


	5. Super Prince Peach

Chapter 5:Super Prince Peach

All copywrited content is used in a fictitious parodied manner.

**Have you ever played psychological video games? They're games that are supposed to make you piss your dia- I mean pants. I just watched a trailer for one my dad just bought me, **_**The Dark Eye**_**. The creepiest thing about it; clay animated people! That is like the creepiest way to make people! They do look somewhat retarded though. Anyway, I've developed an interest in this genre and just got my Logitech controller for my computer working. If any of you have played a game that is as scary as it sounds, shout it out in your review!**

Jack went back to the crates he hid behind and found an Audio diary in one of them.

"The slugs I mentioned in earlier diary. The juice they emit has properties that can rewrite human DNA. I call it ADAM because that name not been used yet. I pretty much explain what I do with it in last diary, so you listen to it if you want to know what I do with it." It said.

Jack went south through the hallway. He saw a Health station with another Audio Diary.

"The damn city is leaking again. I can't believe it. People aren't even buying water from me anymore. They just put a bucket under the leak, Desalinate it and bam! Fresh drinking water! That's like stealing Gasoline from a tanker truck. Damn, I wish life was like that corny _Ice Pirates_ movie, where water was a currency. At least the unemployed dudes still buy my booze, it's my biggest market." The Diary said.

"Jeez, that guy almost sounded like Atlas' brother." Jack said.

Jack smashed the health station, plundered it's Med kits, and went through the south door. He ended up in another Glass tube, like the one Isaac shot out. A Splicer in a green dress charged at Jack with a pipe. He blew her head off with his Shotgun, without even looking. He sat down on a bench and lit a cigarette. As he puffed it, he found another Audio diary underneath the bench.

"Fontaine, he smuggling goods from surface here. Things like Record players, Baseball cards, Cuban cigars, Corvettes, Bud Lite, Crosses, and Kittens. Ryan not happy. I think I do business with Fontaine. He have lots of money. I give him share of ADAM. He not betray me." The Diary said.

"Why the hell do all these people leave these lying around!" Jack questioned.

Another Splicer with a pipe charged at Jack. He blew it's head off with his shotgun without looking again. He finished his Cigarette and went to the next room. There was a fork in the path. He set his pistol on the floor and spun it. It pointed Right when it stopped, so thats the way Jack went. He came to the lobby of a post office.

"Are you taking nature photos or something? Get me those pictures!" Peach said over the Radio.

"Hey, this is a secure channel. How'd you get this Frequency?" Jack demanded.

"Atlas gave it to me." Peach said.

"Why the hell did you give him my radio frequency!" Jack demanded.

"He said he'd hook me up with his sister Boyo." Atlas said.

"...Does he have 2 sisters?" Jack asked.

"No, now get those photos!" Peach Yelled.

"Alright, don't get your royal dress in a twist." Jack joked.

Jack went to the nearby Circus of Values machine and found an Audio diary on top of it.

"Alright, this is getting annoying." He said.

"The common folk have been criticizing me for using the death penalty in Rapture. Let me make it clear to them, we are overpopulated! The hotels are full, we're running low on oxygen, The metros are crowded, Bums are sleeping in the Vita chambers, Hacking is at an all time high, Big Daddies are fighting over Little sisters, and Gang members are spraying tags on the glass hallways! This city was designed for just like 40 people, now it's got 100. Even though I passed the 1 child law, those damn women keep having more! You know what, make a note. Pass a law stating that illegal numbers of children will be ground up into meat. We don't have that many meat markets. Also, make sure those damn smugglers stop bringing those damn Justin Bieber CD's down here!" It said.

Jack went into the actual postal room. He saw a roll of film on a high shelf.

"How the hell am I supposed to reach that high?" Jack questioned.

Suddenly, a Spider splicer jumped down from the ceiling. Jack snapped a photo of it with his camera, right as it threw a Scythe into his neck. He pulled out his grenade launcher and blew the splicer up.

"Jesus! I am sick and tired of these fucking Scythes!" Jack yelled as he pulled it out of his neck and used a med kit.

He left the post office and started heading back towards the fork. Another Spider Splicer ambushed him from around the corner.

"Damn it! I just fucking killed you!" Jack yelled.

He Spilcer threw a Scythe at him, which he dodged by ducking. He snapped a picture of it, unlocking his next bonus.

"Now you can use Spider Spilcer organs as Med kits!" A message on screen said.

"I can use what!" Jack asked as a Scythe hit him in the leg.

This really pissed off Jack. He pulled out his wrench and smacked the Splicer in the head with it. This didn't phase it and it slashed him with a scythe. Jack hit it again and again with his wrench until the splicer's skull fractured, revealing it's brain. He grabbed it's brain and tore it out from the skull, the splicer's corpse fell to the ground. Jack Took a large bite out of the brain. Suddenly, his health was restored.

"mmmm. This isn't half bad." He said before he took another bite out of it.

"This is no time to be snacking on brains, boyo! You've got to get back to Peach's place and save me family!" Atlas said.

"Your family ain't going nowhere. I'm gonna check out this other path." Jack said, licking blood off his lips.

Jack went down the other path and came to the entrance of a tavern.

"Fighting Mcdonagh? Isn't that the guy who sounds like Atlas' brother?" Jack questioned.

He looked to the left and saw another Circus of Values machine and a gene bank.

"Thank god, this Security Bullseye thing is retarded." He said.

He swapped Security bullseye for Electro Bolt.

"Why are there so many frigging vending machines all over the place? I just saw one at the post office. Are they too lazy to just walk over there and get Ammo?" He questioned.

Jack went inside the Fighting Mcdonagh tavern. He peeked around the corner and saw several splicers. The interior had several tables along a glass window and a pillar held more. He snapped a picture of one holding a pistol and got another damage increase. Then he jumped out from around the corner and blasted the nearest one with his Shotgun. The other two fired their pistols at him. Jack threw an Enrage apple at one and he killed the other. Jack finished the last one with his pistol. He looked at a shelf along the wall.

"Sweet Jesus! Look at all this booze!" He said.

The shelf was literally filled with all varieties of Alcohol. From Old Tom's Whiskey to Chechna vodka to wine. Jack's eyes widened at the feast for the eyes. He grabbed the nearest bottle of old Tom whiskey and downed it in a single gulp. He threw the bottle in the air and shot it with his pistol. Then he grabbed a bottle of Vodka. He downed it and shot it in the air. Then he grabbed a bottle of wine.

15 minutes later...

Jack laid on the floor, which was littered with shards of glass from broken bottles shot by him. The shelf was now completely empty. Jack's beer gut stuck through his white shirt and sweater vest. He let out a massive belch that shattered some of the shot glasses on the bar counter.

"I had never drunken that much booze since I broke into my dad's beer cabinet when I was 12." He said.

Jack got up off the floor. His Vision was blurred. He stumbled over to the staircase.

"Uggghhh. I'm gonna heave." He muttered.

Jack ran into the nearby bathroom and shook the lock of one of the stalls before noticing the dollar slot.

"A buck to use the stall? What kind of town is this!" He thought.

He quickly inserted a dollar in the slot and the door opened. He threw his head forward and vomited. He looked down and saw there was no toilet. Just a hole in the wall.

"Another hole in the bathroom? That guy from _Silent Hill 4_ must own this place." He said.

Jack reached in the hole and pulled out an EVE hypo and some proximity mines.

"Jeez, I've heard of hiding weapons in the bathroom, but this is ridiculous." He said.

He left the stall. Suddenly, a Splicer with a pipe stormed out from another stall. Right before it could hit him, Jack puked a massive stream at the Splicer. It was so powerful, it threw the splicer against the wall, which cracked. The splicer died due to damage to the spinal cord.

"Damn, And they say Red Bull gives you super powers." Jack said.

Jack left the bathroom and trundled up the stairs. There were 3 doors. One had a keypad and another had a sparking lever.

"Whoa, they need an electrician." Jack said.

He zapped the lever with his Electro bolt and the door opened. He walked inside and, as he rounded the corner, he saw a splicer sitting on one of the 2 beds.

"Damn it, why isn't it growing?" The splicer asked himself, looking down.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jack asked.

The splicer looked behind him, he zipped up his pants. The Splicer grabbed a tommy gun, but before he fired a single shot, Jack nailed him in the head with his own machine gun. The Splicer fell dead to the ground, a Viagra pill bottle rolled out of his pocket. Jack, somewhat excited, picked it up.

"Damn, it's empty." He said.

Jack saw an audio diary on the bed.

"Well, that Fontaine fellow just got arrested today. Don't know how it affects me, but who cares? I own a bar! I got a special costumer today, Ethan Thomas. He bought like 7 shots of liquor before he threw this one guy to the ground and bashed his face in. I noticed that some of my wine reserves are low, so I installed a security camera in case that sneaky bastard comes back. I should really get that hole under the tavern fixed. A damn dog dug it, I shot it dead though. I had it stuffed and it's sitting next to my bed as a companion." It said.

Jack looked on the other side of the bed and saw a stuffed doll of a yellow dog with brown ears and yellow collar.

"Oh my god! He killed that talking dog from that one show on PBS!" Jack said, startled.

Jack got really creeped out by this so he left the room very quickly. He examined the door with the keypad. He tried hacking it, but it short circuited. He just bought it out, since he had like 10,000 dollars in his pants. Inside was a dark room. Light flickered from around the corner. He rounded it and saw it was coming from a light inside the wall. There was an old bed frame and an audio diary in the corner.

"I saw Masha today. Dear god, what have they done to her! She was standing over a corpse. She was drinking his blood and had glowing eyes! I yelled at her. I never wanted her to become a goth, but she ran away from me. As I chased after her, a giant man in metal suit swatted me away with a massive drill! He broke my leg. Oh god, I can't believe Masha is one of those things. Perhaps I can find another child at the Little Sister orphanage." It said.

A shadow appeared in the path of light. Jack looked behind him and saw nothing.

"Yet another creepy plot device. If they really want to scare me, they should have made this game in Claymation like that fucking _The Dark eye_." Jack said.

Jack left the room, shaken by the thought of that game. He entered the last room and found a safe. Instead of hacking it, he pulled out a cup of Playdough that he carried around with him. He spread it all along the safe's door cracks. Then he lit it on fire with Incinerate. The playdough ignited and singed the locks. The safe's door swung open, revealing several grenades.

"These fuckers are ready to go to war!" Jack said.

He stole the grenades and left the room. A Spider Splicer crawled towards him on the ceiling.

"Your soul is mine!" it said.

Jack whipped out his Grenade launcher and blasted it with a standard grenade. The splicer fell to the ground, dead. Jack took it's heart out and ate it.

"I should open a restaurant that sells internal organs." He said.

After finishing the foreign meal, Jack went back downstairs. He saw another door with a sparking lever behind the counter.

"ZAP!" Jack said as he hit it with his electro bolt.

He looted the cash register and went through the door. Jack arrived in what looked like a wine cellar. But it really wasn't a cellar, it was an Alien Nest!

"Your making that up." Jack said.

Jack wandered in a few feet. He grabbed a bottle of wine off the rack and took a drink from it. He saw a big puddle of water further in.

"Jeez, that guy wasn't kidding. His fucking cellar is flooding." Jack said.

Jack was about to walk in the puddle, but then he heard a very familiar squeaking sound. Then he saw a familiar beam of red light.

"Oh no, you ain't pulling that old trick on me." Jack said.

He blasted the camera with his pistol. After taking another sip of wine, he entered another room. There was an Audio diary on a nearby desk.

"Lets face it, Rapture is changing. Fontaine built up a rebel army and has Civilians with guns and stuff like remote controlled rocket launching buggies. Ryan has an actual military and has guys who inject themselves with a drug that makes them tougher. So far, Fontaine planted some tracer bugs on these fuel tankers and plans on hijacking them. Ryan is just blowing up random buildings. Anyway, Ryan will be taking down Fontaine or Fontaine will be taking down Ryan." It said.

Jack looked at the wall and saw light emitting through a crack between these stacked crates. He smashed them with his wrench and was greeted by a barrage of gunfire from a turret in a crawlspace. He quickly snapped a photo of it, getting an increased damage bonus. Then he blasted it into oblivion with his shotgun. He crawled into the small opening and found another safe.

"Jeez, how can these people afford these things?" He asked himself.

He placed this blue box with a suction cup on it on the safe's door. It was a Safe Cracker gadget from _No one lives forever_. Who knows where he got that thing.

Meanwhile,in a town in Britain...

A woman with brown hair in a black jumpsuit climbed up the stairs in the basement. She pressed her ear against the door.

"I'm gonna count the dough. Your shilling is in the tib." One voice said.

"Whatever, you fat greedy bastard." Another Voice muttered.

A fat man in a gray suit went upstairs. The woman creeped out from the basement. She crept up to the wall near her basemen door. She saw a pair of small doors with a lock on it. She pulled out her Lock-picking tools and unlocked it. Inside was a little room with a safe in it. She closed the doors behind her and reached into her pockets.

"Damn, where the hell is my safe cracker?" She asked herself.

Back in Rapture...

Jack saw a pair of legs through the small opening. He opened the safe, which contained Anti-personal machine gun ammo. He zapped the legs with his electro bolt through the opening. Then he quickly got out and zapped the splicer again. He pulled out his wrench and swatted the splicer over the head with it. The splicer fell over dead. Jack left the room and went back into the cellar.

After drinking some more wine (all the wine in the cellar actually) he fell down face first on the floor.

"Help, I'm being attacked by injuns." Jack slurred.

He glanced up and saw a vent.

"Everyone follow me to the landing pad." Jack slurred again.

He bashed open the vent with his wrench and crawled in. He kept banging his head on the frame. He found another audio diary on the floor.

"I met with Ryan today. I don't think he liked it when I was drinking out of my beergut cooler. He offered me 1000 buckaroos for the whereabouts of Fontaine. Unfortunately, Fontaine payed me 2000 buckaroos to keep my mouth shut. I offered to give Ryan a 10% discount at my bar though. Ryan tazed me and he had his guards throw me out out his office. Damn, what a sorehead." It said.

Jack crawled through the rest of the alcove and heard loud stomping above him. He found himself outside the tavern.

"That was the dullest crawlspace I've ever crawled through." He said.

He went back inside the tavern, hoping to get one last drink. When he got inside however, he saw a Rosie with a little sister.

"Hmmmm. I wonder if I can get drunk off ADAM?" He thought.

He shot a grenade at the Rosie, which missed and blew up the window to the left. Water poured in, soaking the floor before an emergency shutter closed. The Rosie shot a couple rivets at Jack. Jack zapped it with his Electro Bolt and the water amplified the affect. Jack whipped out his Machine gun and peppered it with AP rounds. The Rosie threw a Proximity mine at Jack. He dove for cover behind the bar counter. As the Rosie fired Rivets at the counter, Jack filled a glass with Whiskey and drank it.

The Rosie's Rivet gun jammed. As it hit it trying to get it to work, Jack popped out from behind the counter and Sprayed it with the whiskey hose. As the Rosie prepared to throw another mine at Jack, he shot it with his pistol. The sparks ignited the whiskey and the proximity mine the Rosie held exploded. The Rosie stumbled backwards, right into it's first proximity mine, which also exploded. The Rosie's helmet embedded itself in the wall, like a deer trophy. The little sister cried over the loss of her parent. Jack rescued her and got 80 ADAM in a vial. He tasted some of it and immediately spit it out.

"This shit tastes like cold medicine!" He yelled.

Disappointed, Jack looted the Rosie's corpse and returned to the lower wharf. He saw a green tonic sitting on the railing of the boardwalk. He picked it up and discovered it was the Wrench Lurker tonic. He put it in his gene bank and heard a voice.

"I'm going to suck the blood right out of your veins." The Voice said.

"Who are you supposed to be? Dracula?" Jack asked.

He turned around a narrowly dodged a scythe aimed for his head. The Spider Splicer who threw it leaped at Jack, who moved to the side. The Spider Splicer flew over the edge of the boardwalk and slammed right into the wooden pillar of the one across. It peeled off and landed hard on the only dry piece of land at the bottom.

"Hey, could you toss down some med kits or something similar?" It asked.

"I'll give you something similar!" Jack yelled down.

He equipped his Grenade Launcher and punted a grenade down at the Spider Splicer. It caused a massive explosion which reached all the way up to where Jack was.

"Lets get this damn Scenario over with." He said.

Jack went back to Fontaine fisheries.

"Hey, Princess Peach! I got your freaking paparazzi photos!" Jack yelled while banging on the door.

"Shut up with the damn insults! How would you like it if someone kept referencing you to that Jack Campbell guy from _Doom 3_?" Peach hissed.

"That would be pretty sweet. I've always wanted a BFG 900." Jack said.

"Just get in here!" Peach hissed as the door opened.

Jack went inside. The walls were lined with ice. A gene bank was on the wall to the left. There was a yellow tonic on the ground. Jack picked it up and added Focused Hacker to his collection. He banged on the door.

"Come on. What is this? An Airlock?" Jack asked.

"Not so fast. No one walks in here Packing heat. Put your weapons in the Pneumo tube." Peach said.

"Fuck no! I ain't letting you get your cuties all over my steel, Mushroom Princess!" Jack hissed.

"Then you ain't coming in here, bodyguard." Peach taunted.

"I'm afraid you'll have to play his little game boyo." Atlas said.

"Hell no! Screw your family!" Jack said.

"Look, you can still fight! He can take your weapons, but he can't take your Plasmids now, can he?" Atlas asked.

"Hmmm. Alright, but only because I hate stories that only have 5 chapters." Jack said.

Jack put his pistol in the tube.

"_All_ of them!" Peach hissed.

"That is _all_ of them!" Jack back talked.

"I know you have other guns, like that Grenade Launcher!" Peach said.

Jack put his Grenade Launcher in the tube.

"There, thats all my guns." Jack said.

"No it ain't! You still have 2 others!" Peach hissed.

Jack put his Machine gun in the Pneumo tube and was about to put his wrench in before..

"Not that! Your shotgun!" Peach yelled.

"This is my shotgun!" Jack yelled.

"No it ain't! That is a fucking wrench!" Peach yelled.

"Do have cameras installed in here or something? How the hell did you even know how many guns I have?" Jack demanded.

"I know more than you think, boy!" Peach yelled.

"This is my shotgun!" Jack yelled.

"Put your damn shotgun in the tube!" Peach yelled.

"This is my fucking shotgun!" Jack yelled.

"NO IT ISN'T!" Peach yelled.

"YES IT IS!" Jack yelled.

"Would you kindly put the shotgun in the bloody tube, boyo?" Atlas asked.

"You know what? I'm giving him my shotgun ammo, but the shotgun stays!" Jack said.

He put a single shotgun shell in the tube.

"Don't start that again." Peach warned.

"I'll want these back." Jack said.

He put the rest of his shotgun ammo in the tube and the door in front of him opened. He went inside another ice covered room, Electro Bolt armed. The door slammed shut behind him. There was a Circus of Values, Gene bank and Health station on the wall. He hacked the health machine in case Peach tried anything sneaky. He went around the corner and saw Peach, holding a box in his arm.

"You ain't fooling me. Your working for that Fontaine fellow." Peach said.

"Uhh No. I'm working for myself." Jack said, Brandishing his wrench.

"What about that Atlas goon?" Peach asked.

"Him? Pfffft. I'm just helping him save his family and telling me where I need to go." Jack said.

"You ever get the thought that hes working for Fontaine?" Peach asked.

"So?" Jack asked.

"Arrrgggghh. Your hopeless! Attack!" Peach yelled.

Several splicers popped out of nowhere and ran towards Jack. They all stepped in a massive puddle of water. Jack zapped it, frying the retards like _The Brave Little Toaster's_ nightmare sequence.

"Arrrrggggghhhh! Your gonna die, you non spliced freak!" Peach yelled as he threw several bombs a Jack.

Jack unleashed his Sonic boom, which blew the bombs back at Peach.

"Motherfu-" Peach started before the bombs exploded.

"Well, looks like my job is done." Jack said proudly.

"Your gonna have to do harder than that." Peach said, getting up.

Jack moved closer to Peach, stepping into the red light of a security camera. The alarm sounded and 2 security bots attacked Jack.

"Hahahaha! Now whos the retard!" Peach asked before he was hit by several bullets. "What the hell?"

While he was chuckling, Jack zapped and hacked the security bots and started firing on Peach. Jack saw something glimmer in the puddle. He knew what it was. He dove into the puddle and snatched it. It was a pistol, dropped by the splicers. He blasted the camera with it and emptied it on Peach.

"You had a spare pistol!" Peach asked.

"No, but your special-ed forces did." Jack said.

"Enjoy it while you can, because it will ENNnNnnBGGGHHHH!" Peach said before Jack zapped him. "I dare you to try that aGGGGGAAAUIIIUJFH!"

Jack ran up to Peachy-kins and swatted him over the head with his wrench. Peach recovered and ran around the wall, with Jack in pursuit. Peach put some money in the Health Station. The station socked him in the face with a punching glove. He fell to the ground, where Jack was on him like one of those damn meatheads from _Jericho_. Jack repeatedly slapped Peach in the face with his wrench. Blood splatted all over his face as Peach's health gauge was almost empty. Most of Peach's teeth were knocked out and his eyes were black, plus his fake hair fell off.

"Why the hell did my pa name me Peach?" Peach asked himself before Jack smacked him the last time with his wrench, breaking his Jaw off.

"And so ends the retard named after a corny princess." Jack said.

Afterwards, Jack healed himself at the station. Then he went further back into the room and a turret shot at him from an alcove.

"Damn it." He muttered.

Jack was about blast it with his pistol, but he remembered that he used up all it's ammo.

"Where'd that fucking shrew stash my guns?" He asked himself.

Jack thought they might be in the doors covered by ice. He smacked it with his wrench and nothing happened. He went back to the gene bank and swapped Sonic Boom for Incinerate. He blasted the ice with a fireball and it melted. He went inside and found himself in a meat freezer.

"Isn't this whole area a meat freezer?" Jack asked.

He picked up an audio diary on the floor.

"I'm preparing something real good for Fontaine. Once he tries to dock at the smugglers cove, I'll freeze the water at the dock! Wait, that wasn't it. Maybe, I'll weld the door to his sub shut! No, that ain't it. Maybe I'll unleash a swarm of bees-no not that! Maybe I'll dress up like an old woman, play the banjo and tell them I'm deaf. Then, when they reach into their pockets to give me some money, I'll swat em over the heads with my banjo! Then, I'll put their unconscious bodies in a space ship and shoot them to the moon! There, they'll be attacked by those creepy ghost things from _Echo Night beyond_! It's so simple! Wait...That might not be it either. Damn it, what was the original diary about?" It said.

Jack used his safecracker on the nearby safe, which held some electric buck.

"Electric buck is somewhat useless if you don't have a FRIGGING SHOTGUN!" Jack yelled.

He went to the other side room, where he crawled through a vent into the adjacent side room and found an auto hack tool. Pissed, he left these stupid side rooms and zapped the turret. He ran down the stairs to it's right. There, he saw a glowing Pneumo tube. When he examined it, he was filled with joy.

"X: retrieve weapons." The message said.

Jack immediately reached into the tube and snatched out all his guns. He embraced them like a teddy bear. When he equipped his machine gun, he noticed something very annoying.

"The AP ammos gone... THAT FUCKING PEACH STOLE MY AP AMMO!" Jack roared.

Jack ran back up the stairs, blasted the turret and returned to Peach's corpse. He riddled it with machine gun rounds until the clip was empty. He continued to hold the trigger even though his gun just clicked.

"You might want to get a move-on, boyo." Atlas said.

"IF YOU EVER TELL ME TO HURRY UP AGAIN, I WILL GUT YOUR FAMILY ON SIGHT!" Jack yelled.

"Sorry boyo." Atlas said.

Jack pouted as he went back down the stairs and came to a room with a big chunk of ice. He saw 2 ghosts in lab coats.

"I can't believe Ryan's coming to search this place for the smugglers cove!" The first said.

"We have to hide the entrance!" The other said.

"Oh what a wonderful idea! Should I slide it under my bed or put it in the safe?" The first said sarcastically.

"I meant hide the entrance with something in front of it! You know, like a bookcase or vending machine." The other said.

"Oh yeah, a bookcase would blend in perfectly with the frozen meat!" The first said sarcastically.

"Well what kind of bright ideas do you have?" The other said.

"I was thinking that we seal the entrance." The first said.

"Are you nuts? Do you know how much explosives cost down here?" The other said.

"Not with explosives, with ice." the first said.

"Ice? You want to flood the room and freeze it?" The other said.

"Actually, I was going to just stack thousands of ice cubes in front of this entrance, but I like your plan better. Let's break these water pipes." The First said.

"Hang on, I need to grab my trophy." The other said.

"And I have to make sure we got all the cigars out, they are worth a lot down here." The first said.

Both ghosts walked through the big ice chunk.

"It must be holographic!" Jack thought.

He walked into the real, not holographic, ice chunk and banged his nose on it. He fell back on the floor, which was freezing cold and jumped back up.

"Okay, I now officially hate Ice." Jack said.

He threw a fireball at the ice chunk and melted it into a massive puddle. Before he went through, he noticed a strange machine on the wall. It had the phrase "Power to the people' on it.

"What the hell does this do?" Jack asked.

"That upgrades your-" Atlas started.

"Not you, the help message." Jack said.

"Power to the people machines upgrade one weapon. But BE WARNED! The machine shuts down after one use!" The message said.

Jack looked through the list of upgrades, all were very tantalizing. But the shotgun upgrades were what he had his eyes on. Damage upgrade or Fire rate increase? He weighed his options for several minutes. In the end, he chose the fire rate upgrade. He whipped out his shotgun and emptied it's entire clip in 2 seconds.

"Cool! Now I have a Browning Auto 5!" He said, reloading it.

"Will you quit dicking around and get to the smuggler's cove!" Atlas said.

"Fine." Jack said.

Jack went through the large puddle left behind by the ice block, his shoes dripping wet.

"These were limited edition too!" He whined.

He walked down a metal walkway in a large cavern, leading into the next chapter.

To Be continued...

**First off, I will not publish the next chapter until you review and tell me if I should add side characters or not. Second, have any of you gotten**_** The Dark Eye**_** to work on Windows 7? It's being a real bitch about not being on Windows 98. Also, don't forget to check out my Channel 13 story for random short parodies as well.**

**SUPREMACISTS SUCK!**


	6. The Cock Roach

Chapter 6: The Cock Roach

All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner.

**Alright, for starters, I know I said that I wouldn't upload this without any reviews, but I've grown impatient. I myself have decided to use the side characters. Your opinions about them now mean nothing to me. Next, I really would appreciate any advice on how to get _Dark Eye_ to work on windows 7. Finally, would you like to hear political opinions from me? You don't have do, in fact, I recommend you don't because I often get angry when I do. Don't say yes to that. I'm serious! Don't you dare say yes! Or else I'll block your reviews, you stupid Theocrat! No, Fuck you! You can kiss my avatar's diapered ass! No, not you reviewer, your fine. You, Box of stuff on desk, door to parking lot, bye bye! This has been a quote from _Portal 2_, thank you!**

Jack trudged through the ankle deep water of the dark brown cave.

"_Pick the pieces up...Pick the pieces up_." Jack sang (_Here we are_ by Breaking Benjamin).

"Listen boyo, I need you to open the door to the docking bay, thats where my family is." Atlas said.

"Why can't they open it?" Jack asked.

"Because they're trapped in the sub." Atlas said.

"Sub! You mean an actual submarine we can use to escape?" Jack demanded.

"Yeah." Atlas said.

"I'll get that door open lickety split!" Jack said, happily.

Jack came across another Gene Bank. He equipped telekinesis, so he doesn't have to walk all the way to an item he wants. He came to a small landing with a piece of machinery and a bunch of storage crates. He shifted through some of them and found an Audio Diary.

"I met with Fontaine today. I swear, I don't trust him! He wanted me to build a secret smuggler's cove behind my fish shop, which is owned by him. At first, I was gonna say no, but then he shoved his massive shotgun in my face. I had to agree. On the plus side, hes gonna give me half of their potato chips for free. The chips they make down here taste like paper." It said.

"So, you've escaped my minions." Andrew Ryan said on the radio.

"Who the fuck are you?" Jack asked.

"You've forgotten? I am Andrew Ryan, master of Rapture." Ryan said.

"Ignore him boyo. We'll be free of him soon enough." Atlas said.

"Is that you Atlas? I will make sure that you suffer greater than that Russian Guy from _Call of Duty: modern warfare 3_." Ryan threatened.

"Which Russian guy?" Atlas asked.

"Uhhhh...You will not make it out of here alive!" Ryan said.

Jack walked around the corner of the machine and a turret fired at him. He pressed his back against the machine. He zapped it with electro bolt and quickly hacked it.

"Whoops. Forgot to take some research photos." He said.

He took out his camera and snapped a photo of the turret. It said that the subject was friendly and photo wasn't taken.

"What do you mean not taken? It's still alive isn't it? Why can't I research friendly subjects? It's the same thing! God damn it!" Jack yelled.

Jack threw his camera to the ground and stomped on it, smashing it to pieces.

"Whoops...I hope they sell replacement cameras." He muttered.

He continued down the path until he reached a control room. There was a lever in front of a window overlooking the sub. It was round and dark gray.

"Sweet! Now I can finally get out of this shithole!" He said happily.

Jack pulled the lever and a man in a green jumpsuit and welder's mask ran into the sub bay.

"Watch out Atlas! There's a splicer in the bay! I'll take him out for you!" Jack said, aiming his machine gun at the man.

"Don't shoot boyo! It's me!" Atlas yelled from down in the bay.

"That's you? I thought you'd look more like a drunk guy." Jack said.

"Moira! Patrick! Can you hear me!" Atlas yelled at the submarine.

"I don't think the submarine will answer you." Jack pointed out.

"I'm not talking to the sub you-" Atlas started.

Suddenly, a weird tune played on Jack's radio before-

"Your even stupider than I thought you were." Ryan said over the radio.

"Watch it, Hitler. This semi-auto shotgun is loaded. And what's with that corny tune?" Jack asked.

"It's my signing on music. You both walked right into my trap." Ryan said.

The door Jack came in at slammed shut. He flinched at the sound of it.

"Now I can grab a cold one and watch you 2 die." Ryan said.

"Can you grab me one while your at it?" Jack asked.

"Hang on Boyo! I'll getchya out of there!" Atlas yelled.

Atlas fumbled with a control panel in the docking bay. After a second or 2, he opened a different door in the room Jack was in. Some spider splicers crawled in the bay on the ceiling.

"Hey Atlas, are your family members Spider enthusiasts?" Jack asked.

"What? No!" Atlas yelled.

"Then I think I found some crazy farmers who like to crawl on the ceiling." Jack said.

"What!" Atlas yelled.

Atlas looked up just as a Spider splicer fell on him. He blasted it in the face with his pistol and threw it off him. He took cover behind the control panel and Blind fired at the other spider splicers.

"Boyo! I need your help! Get your arse down to the docking bay!" Atlas yelled.

"What's in it for me?" Jack asked.

"Repaying me for all the help I've given you!" Atlas yelled.

"You call yelling at me with your beer stunk breath help?" Jack asked.

"I'll give you a free ride in my sub!" Atlas offered.

"Big deal, I could just let you die and steal it myself." Jack said.

"But if I die, the story will end here!" Atlas yelled.

"I don't think that's a bad thing, considering who's writing it." Jack pondered.

"Will you please help me?" Atlas begged.

"Say pretty please with sugar lumps on top." Jack requested.

"WILL YOU JUST GET DOWN HERE ALREADY! WE'VE WASTED HALF A PAGE WITH THIS ARGUMENT!" Atlas yelled.

"Whoa, someone got up on the wrong side of the bar counter today." Jack said.

Jack ran through the door that Atlas just opened. He saw another health station.

"It was nice of the smugglers to install one of these down here." Jack said.

Jack smashed it to pieces with his wrench and took the med kits it dropped. He continued further down the wooden walkway. He stepped on a small pool of oil and his feet slid out from under him and fell down on his back.

"Damn, I could have broken my neck! Why don't they clean these up?" He pondered.

He grabbed a mop and started to wipe the oil with it.

"Boyo! Where are ya? I need backup!" Atlas said.

"In a minute. I gotta clean up this oil slick." Jack said.

"Clean it up! Forget the stupid oil and help me!" Atlas yelled.

Jack proceeded past the oil, since it wasn't coming out. He lit a cigarette and smoked it. A splicer with a pipe started sneaking up behind him. As he stepped in the oil pool, Jack tossed his cigarette in it, setting the splicer ablaze.

As he came to the next part of the walkway, some splicers with guns shot at him from the end. There was an explosive canister on the right. Jack picked it up with Telekinesis and held it in front of him as a shield. A bullet punctured and and fire shot in Jack's face.

"MY EYES!" He yelled.

He tossed the canister down the walkway, blowing up the splicers and put some eye drops from the first aid kit in his eyes.

"That's the last time I use a helium tank as a shield. Who knew helium turns into fire?" He asked.

He moved further down the walkway. Some splicers charged at him with Melee weapons. He blasted them away with his semi-auto shotgun and they all piled up. He looted their corpses and continued on.

Meanwhile, At Katorga 12 in an alternate 2010...

A U.S soldier in a dark uniform with a strange device on his hand stood in front of a strange vendor.

"Damn it!" He yelled.

"Renko, what's wrong?" An old man on his comm asked.

"I spent all my E99 tech on an Oxygen upgrade, and theres no water to swim in around here!" Renko said.

"Don't worry, you'll find more." The old man said.

"Hell no! I want that E99 back! I know! I'll go back in time and warn myself about it!" Renko said.

"No! Going back in time a few seconds ago could rip wormholes all over the timeline!" The old man said.

"No sweat. I know how to handle the TMD." Renko said.

Renko aimed the device at the wall and opened a hole. It had a purple background and immediately began to suck in everything in the room. He grabbed on a nearby desk that was nailed to the floor.

"Jesus! I feel like I'm in _Evil Dead_!" Renko said.

Soon, the table was ripped off the floor along with some of it's tiles and Renko was pulled into the hole. He plummeted through the purple void, screaming.

Meanwhile, In a shantytown in Brazil...

3 soldiers, one with blue jeans and a Mohawk, another with a zombie face scarf and one in blue jumped to the safety of an aluminum rooftop, where a friendly M-110 helicopter was waiting for them.

"Roach! Jump!" The soldier with the mohawk yelled.

Another soldier in a green shirt with black hair stood on a rooftop several stories higher. He took a running leap and fell, barely grabbing the edge of the other rooftop. The soldier with the mohawk laid over the ledge and reached his arm out for him. The other soldier tried to grab it but he missed. The soldier lost his grip and fell from the ledge, and into another time hole created by Renko.

The soldier in the mohawk simply shrugged. He got up from the ledge and faced his comrades.

"Is Roach still alive Captain?" the soldier in the zombie scarf said.

"I'm afraid not Ghost, but don't worry. We have a dozen more soldiers where that came from." The captain said.

The soldiers got on the helicopter and flew off from the hostile town.

Meanwhile, on Mars in the far future...

A man wearing brown pants, green tank top and goggles came to a destroyed bridge. He wore a metal gauntlet on his left arm with a blue panel. He aimed it at the bridge and little green specks emerged from it. They expanded and created new pieces of the bridge that fit into place of it. Soon, the bridge was completely rebuilt. Then he fired a small metal piece on it with this strange gun. He fired another piece at the ceiling and it pulled the bridge the other piece was attached to into it, destroying the bridge again.

"Ha Ha Ha. I love the geo mod technology in this game." The man said.

"Darius, you are aware you destroyed the bridge again?" His gauntlet said.

"Who cares? I can just rebuild it with you. I'm just having some fun while I can." Darius said.

"Use my repair function to rebuild it." The gauntlet said.

"Alright. Your such a drag, S.A.M." Darius said.

He repaired the bridge again and started walking across it.

"Darius, I am detecting slight tremors in the area." S.A.M said.

"Don't worry, this bridge is sturdy enough." Darius said.

"They are coming from above." S.A.M said.

Darius looked up just as a rock hit him on the head. He fell over the side of the bridge, unconscious, and landed in another wormhole.

Meanwhile, in New York City...

A man wearing a suit composed of black strands and silver armor stood at the top of a building. He looked over the edge, he was over 100 feet up.

"Looks like a longggg drop. But who cares? I can do whatever I want in this suit! Even stick my finger in a light socket!" The man said.

He took off the light bulb on the railing and stuck his finger in it's socket. The socket shorted out.

"Now I can practice my swan dive without getting wet!" He said.

He climbed up on the railing. He spread out his arms and jumped off the building. He pointed his head downwards as he fell through the air at high speed.

"Whoops, forgot to activate armor mode." He said.

A thick layer of extra armor grew over the suit. Just before he hit the ground, a wormhole opened in the exact spot he was about to crash into. He zipped right into it before it closed.

"Cool! This must be a new function of the suit!" He said as he fell through the purple space.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Oooo an android." Renko said as he passed by the Man in the suit.

"The names Alcatraz!" The man in the suit said.

Suddenly, Roach descended to the same level as them. He vomited in dizziness.

"Awesome! The U.S military sent me backup!" Renko said as he saw Roach.

"Backup? I don't even know who the hell you freaks are!" Roach said.

"Who you calling a freak?" Alcatraz asked.

Alcatraz flipped himself up and hit Roach with a Flurry of Punches at lightning speed. Then Darius came to the same level they were at, still unconscious.

"Wow! I must have entered KidsDZ or some shit like that!" Renko said.

"Darius, please awaken immediately." S.A.M asked.

"Cool! His TMD talks!" Renko said.

"Don't you mean WMD?" Roach asked.

"No, Time manipulation device." Renko corrected.

"Is this damn tunnel ever going to end?" Alcatraz asked.

"I know! I'll open some more wormholes!" Renko said.

"Warning: opening of new time insertion holes while in time space could lead to unpredictable locations." S.A.M said.

"...Damn, I'm glad my TMD doesn't talk." Renko said.

Renko aimed his TMD below them and opened 4 new wormholes. They each fell through a different one.

Meanwhile, a few seconds before that, Jack had finished off all the splicers in the area. He went behind a caged area and found another audio diary.

"This is no time for history lessons, boyo!" Atlas yelled.

"Shut up. I want that Historian achievement." Jack said.

"Man, you would not know who I met today. It's some German bitch who tells me that these snails without shells can rewrite human DNA. She wants me to loan her some of dough. If I helps her, she'll give me some of the research. Boy, what a crazy broad. First, they tells me Negros are no longer segregated, now they tells me snails can turn people into mutants! Still, I better grab her before Ryan does. He's snatching scientists off the street like hobos in _Blacksite:Area 51_." The diary read.

"And I am most certainly not disguised as Atlas." Atlas said in the recorders voice.

"What?" Jack asked.

"What?" Atlas asked.

"You said something." Jack said.

"No I didn't boyo." Atlas said.

"I swear you said something." Jack said.

"Maybe it was Ryan." Atlas said.

"But he doesn't talk in a long, boring voice like that recorder." Jack said.

"His voice is not boring!" Atlas yelled.

"Yes it i-" Jack started.

Suddenly, a wormhole opened above Jack. Roach plummeted out of it, landing on Jack, pushing him to the floor.

"That is the last time I take that stuff that steadies your hands when aiming!" Roach said.

"Get the fuck off!" Jack yelled.

Roach pulled out his G18 machine pistol and sprayed the surrounding area with bullets. Jack used Telekinesis to pick up a nearby crate and threw it at Roach, pinning him under it. Jack jumped up and pointed his shotgun in his face.

"Wow, your the first guy I've met down here whose face isn't fucked up." Jack said.

"I'll fucked up lots of faces in Brazil." Roach said. "Where the hell am I?"

"Some retarded underwater city in the Atlantic." Jack said.

"What the hell do you want from me? Money? I left my wallet in the car." Roach said.

"What car?" Jack asked.

Flashback...

Roach was sitting in the front seat of a blue sedan. A black guy in green vest and black pants sat in the drivers seat. Captain Mactavish sat in the back. Roach was shaking the green skirt of this little Hula dancing figure on the car's dashboard.

"Theres Rojas' assistant." Mactavish said.

They came to the entrance of some fancy house. A man in a gray shirt with gray shorts was approached by 2 men in vests with guns.

"Looks like they're about to debate politics." The driver said.

"That reminds me, I wanted to show you my lifetime pass to Six Flags." Roach said.

He reached in his pocket and his wallet slid out. He bent down to pick it back up. The guy in gray shot the 2 men and filled the sedan's windshield with bullets, shattering it and killing the driver. The man took off and Mactavish got out and chased after him. Roach sat back up.

"Did I hear gunfire?" He asked.

Present day...

"Your a U.S soldier?" Jack gasped.

"TF141 soldier. We're more snottier than U.S soldiers." Roach said.

"Who cares? If you come with me, it'll give the freaks something else to shoot at other than me!" Jack said.

"As long as you get this damn box off me." Roach said.

"Oh, sorry." Jack said.

Jack used Telekinesis to lift the box off Roach.

"Whoa, are you a Psychic or something?" Roach asked. "Can you teach me how to bend spoons? I've always wanted to do that. I thought they'd teach me when I joined the Task force, but they don't have any bloody psychic troopers."

"Are you morons having a tea party or something? Help me for Christ's sake!" Atlas yelled.

"Who was that? The Scottish guy from _No one lives forever_?" Roach asked.

"Just do what he says, or else he'll annoy you constantly by calling you boyo." Jack said.

Jack pulled Roach to his feet and they walked down this narrow passage that lead to the sub bay.

"The sub!" Atlas yelled.

The sub suddenly exploded and Jack and Roach were thrown back in slow motion.

"NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Atlas yelled.

"I just went Bin Laden on your ass." Ryan taunted.

"That was a foreseeable outcome actually." Jack said.

"Look...Theres nothing you lads to do, just get to Arcadia! Go now!" Atlas said.

"Does stuff like this always happen down here?" Roach asked.

"It's like the table that the script is being written on." Jack said.

"Speaking of which, do you here that music?" Roach asked.

"Oh, that's just the Author. He's listening to the _Alone in The Dark_ soundtrack." Jack said.

The duo reached the sub bay. There was debris everywhere and Atlas was nowhere to be found.

"Atlas, where the hell are you?" Jack asked.

"I went back to my suite- I mean hideout!" He said.

"Can we come?" Jack asked.

"NOO!" Atlas yelled. "I mean, Ryan would follow you here. Just go to Arcadia."

Jack and Roach stepped over the pieces of the destroyed sub, confused that there wasn't any remains of Atlas' family. As they proceeded down a metal walkway, Jack picked up another audio diary.

"Ryan offered me a deal. If I told him where the smuggler's cove is, he'll let me move into an apartment that's 3 inches larger than the one I'm in! Of course, Fontaine would likely cut off my testicles and hang them on his wall if I did. More importantly, he wouldn't let me have any more potato chips! I made a bed sheet out of all the old bags they came in. Not to mention a new carpet, shower curtain, and poncho, all from used potato chip bags! I save nearly 2 dollars of my 5 dollar paycheck that way. They're also the only thing I eat. I've become addicted to them. In fact, I'm craving them right now! God, I'm breaking out, I have the chills! I must have them! I want my POTATO CHIPS!" It said.

Jack and Roach went inside the nearby airlock. Roach pulled out a white, Flat, square object and placed it on the bulkhead door and moved to it's side with his G18 drawn. The object exploded and Roach ran through the smoke it emitted, right into the bulkhead door, headfirst, which did not explode with it. He fell down on the floor. Jack chuckled and turned the wheel opening the door.

To Be continued...

**Well, theres your side characters. Special thanks to **bibliophileteen **who was the only one who voted. Now get back to your homework, you SLACKER!**


	7. Fern Jacky

Chapter 7:Fern Jacky

All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner.

**Congratulate me, because I nailed a raccoon in the head with a pellet and possibly injured it because it had seizures and limped. Okay, back to business. I finished the outline of this story, not only for this chapter, but the rest of the game. You might want to give it a try. I make a list of item locations, enemies, and events in my outline. Picked up my Pre-ordered copy of **_**Saint's Row: The Third**_** with Pimp edition strategy guide. Saving it for Christmas. While at Gamestop, I noticed the price for **_**Skylanders:Spyro's Adventure**_**. It's 69. Probably because of those damn action figures. Part of me wants to buy it, but another part says don't bother. I grew very attached to the "Legend" Spyro characters after reading some Fanfiction for it. That's why I am hesitant about this latest installment, it's another new Spyro. I wish they would just make a damn movie about the legend series. You know what? If I can grasp the basics of animation, I'm gonna make one about one of my currently unpublished Fanfics. Yeah, suck it, Activision! **_**Call of duty: Modern warfare 3**_** wasn't that much fun anyway! Now lets see what Jack is up to!**

Around the same time Roach fell on Jack, the others landed in that time as well. In the nature section of this crazy city, Arcadia, a purple portal opened above the entrance to the Farmer's Market. Renko fell out of it and plummeted hard on the ground. He sat up and rubbed his head.

"Why the hell is time travel so fucking complicated! It wasn't this way in _Darkest of Days_!" He yelled.

Suddenly, a splicer in a lab coat bird mask wielding a pipe charged at Renko. Renko pulled out his trusty revolver, The Centurion, and put a bullet through the Splicer's skull and landed hard on the ground. Renko got up and examined the freak.

"My god, the E99 exposure must have driven the city's civilians crazy. He's wearing a frigging masquerade mask. Best find some place to hole up." He said.

He turned around and saw a large Bulkhead door. It lead to the Farmer's market. He grabbed it's handle and tried to turn it, but it wouldn't budge.

"Stubborn ay?" He said.

He aimed his TMD at the door. Small orange strings emerged from it and touched the door. It began to rapidly rust and decay. Soon, it disintegrated completely, opening the entrance.

"I bet Chris Redfield wished he had one of these." He chuckled. "Better cover my tracks."

He stepped through it and released small blue strings from his TMD. They reversed the process the orange ones performed, rebuilding the door and sealing the entrance.

Meanwhile, in the Las Vegas equivalent to the city, Fort Frolic, another portal opened in The Cocktail lounge. Alcatraz dove headfirst into the floor, embedding his head in it. He pressed his hands and feet against the ground and pushed his head out.

"Damn, that was the best one I've done yet!" He said. "Cool, Liquor."

He picked up a bottle and poured some alcohol on his mask, forgetting he can't drink through it. At the entrance of the lounge, the 2 Splicers that Jack encountered earlier in the game peeked around the corner at him.

"I ain't never seen a Big daddy like him before!" The one in the bunny mask said.

"Me neither. Let's kill him and sell his parts for scrap." The one in the cat mask said.

The one in the bunny mask pulled out his golf club. He tip toed behind Alcatraz, who was still pouring alcohol on his mask.

"This booze taste blank." He said.

"Nighty Night, tin man!" The Bunny masked one said.

He swung his golf club down hard on the back of Alcatraz's head. Alcatraz was completely unfazed and the club bent in the shape of his head. The Bunny masked splicer looked in horror at his golf club. Alcatraz turned around.

"Nice mask. Having trouble with your golf club? I can fix it." He said.

Alcatraz took the club and bent it back to it's original state. He handed it back to the splicer, who continued to stare in terror.

"Get out of the way! I'll fill him full of lead!" The splicer in the cat mask yelled, brandishing his Tommy gun.

"What the hell?" Alcatraz said.

The splicer in the bunny mask dove to the floor as the Splicer in the cat mask opened fired. The bullets simply bounced off Alcatraz's armor, which entered heavy mode. He walked towards the splicer, who's gun just clicked after running out of bullets and stared in horror at him. Alcatraz took the Tommy gun and snapped it in half.

"You had to go and scratch my armor." Alcatraz said.

"...RUN!" The cat masked splicer yelled.

The splicers took off running down the hall. After running almost an hour, they stopped at a corner to catch their breath. The cat masked one looked around the corner.

"I think we lost him." He said.

He looked back at the bunny masked splicer and was horrified to see Alcatraz appear out of nowhere and stabbed a knife threw the splicer's neck. He threw the splicer to the ground. The other one took off running and took cover in a gallery known as Cohen's collection. He ducked under a table, scared. He peeked out from the bottom of it, unaware of Alcatraz, who was standing on the other side...

Meanwhile, at the heart of Rapture was it's control center, which was also the office for that Hitler look-a-like, Andrew Ryan. He was in his office, building a statue of liberty out of Legos. He stood on a chair, about to place the final piece on top of it. Suddenly, another time portal opened above it and Unconscious Darius fell through it, breaking his fall on Ryan's Lego set. Ryan stood there in silence before a look of Rage emerged on his face.

"Hang him up in Hephaestus!" He yelled.

2 Splicers rushed into his office and whisked Darius away. Now lets get back to Jack and Roach. They found themselves in a narrow tunnel, jammed ridiculously close together.

"Moira! Patrick! Ain't that just like Ryan, he waits till we're almost out, then he kills your family in a submarine! We'll find that bastard and we'll tear his balls out!" Atlas wailed over the radio.

Suddenly, the tune played on Jack's radio.

"You didn't think I would simply let you escape like that?" Ryan said.

"Actually I did." Jack said.

"Oh, well you were foolish to think so. You will never make it out of this city alive. Just like _Silent Hill_, all the exit's are blocked." Ryan said.

Jack and Roach came to a bunch of storage crates, like the ones he's seen all over the place. He opened one and found a rubber hose, Glue, and Alcohol.

"What the fuck am I supposed to do with this shit? Make a Popsicle stick house?" Jack questioned.

He looted the rest of the crates for more components before reaching an exit.

"Jack, I'm stuck." Roach said.

"Yeah, me too." Jack said.

"What are we gonna do?" Roach asked.

"If only I had some ammo for my Grenade Launcher." Jack said.

"I have some C4 charges." Roach said.

"Good, place them behind us and they'll shoot us outta here." Jack said.

Roach set a block of C4 down behind them.

"Oh shit." Roach said.

"What?" Jack asked.

"I dropped the remote." Roach said.

"Damn it! Where is it?" Jack asked.

"I think it's under you. I think I can reach it with my foot." Roach said.

Roach maneuvered his foot under Jack, and accidentally kicked him in the groin.

"Ow, watch it!" Jack yelled.

"Sorry. Ah Ha! Got it, just need to press the button." Roach said.

His foot pressed in the black button and the explosion from the charge threw both of them out of the tunnel. Covered in ash again, Jack looked around. There was grass on the floor and what appeared to be mausoleums. There was an Audio diary on the left.

"I think the kids have been drinking too much. They said they saw some ghosts in the garden. This isn't _Echo Night_. I mean what the hell? Aren't civil wars and Mutants enough? Now we have to worry about ghosts? Is Casper gonna appear out of nowhere and do nice things for us? Besides, who gives a shit about ghosts? They are so last gen games. The last thing I need is a fucking ghost to walk in my tavern and scare away all me costumers. God, this reminds me of that _Fatal Frame_ game, so boring." It said.

Jack got up and looked at this golden statue of an arm holding a chain on a mausoleum. Roach slowly lifted himself off the ground. Jack pulled out a can of spray paint and sprayed a tag on the arm. Roach came over to see what it was.

"Atlas is an Irish douche bag." It said in red.

Roach almost broke out in laughter. Jack looked to the right and saw an empty torch next to a lit one.

"An unlit torch? Another unoriginal gimmick." He said.

He threw a fireball at the torch, lighting it and a door between them opened. Jack slowly proceeded down the steps it revealed, leaving Roach with the tag. At the end of the path, he came to an open coffin. There was decomposing man in a tuxedo holding 100 bucks.

"Sweet!" Jack said.

He grabbed the money and pulled it away, the corpse's arms clung to it. Jack smashed the arms with his wrench and pocketed the money. The corpse sat up and screeched loudly in angry. Jack screamed and pressed the barrel of his shotgun under the corpse's chin and pulled the trigger, blasting it's head off and spraying Jack with blood again. Roach wandered down into the passage.

"Hey Jack, I found this weird blue syringe by the AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" He screamed when he saw the corpse.

"Damn, I didn't know the Crazy woman from _Tales from the Crypt_ lived down here." Jack said.

Jack took the EVE hypo from Roach and they reentered the garden and went through the paper covered doors. They saw a man ghost and woman ghost by the benches.

"It's beautiful down here at night." The woman said.

"It's like that all the time." The man said.

"Yeah, but still, it's beautiful down here." The woman said.

"Oh momma." Roach muttered.

Roach snuck up behind the woman ghost and pinched her buttocks. She screamed and slapped him before disappearing. Jack picked up another Audio Diary.

"It's 9 PM and I got 2 tickets to Arcadia. I'm gonna ask my hot girlfriend to come with me. I paid my buddy Mcdonagh, to pretend to attack us with an ax and I scare him off. It's gonna be so perfec- Oh, I just found the letter I was going to send to him. Oh well, Plan B. I'll just hold her at gun point to make her have sex with me." The diary said.

Jack looked to the right and saw some outdoor chairs. Another Audio diary sat upon one.

"Now I just need to mass produce ADAM. Fontaine says he will If I give him half of profits. He gave me new apartment, 2 floors above his. I've already moved my Hip Bone collection inside and I'm in the progress of placing trap bolts around bathroom in case of pervert. Fontaine difficult to understand, he drags words in boring fashion. He remind me of Cruella Deville from _101 Dalmatians_. Perhaps he is a distant cousin. We're in the progress of placing disgusting snails without shells into ridiculously adorable little girls. It not pretty. We simply put snail on end of tong and shove it down little girl's throat. Not fancy, but it work, and if it work, Tenenbaum get paid, and If Tenenbaum get paid, Tenenbaum get stoned." It read.

"Help Me! Help Me! Is anyone out there!" A voice yelled from behind the door to the left.

"My god, someone's being raped!" Roach said.

"Pay no mind to it. It's probably one of those damn splicers." Jack said.

"Super Roach to the rescue!" Roach yelled as he ran through the door.

"Damn it." Jack muttered as he ran after him.

Roach ran into a green corridor until he saw a splicer in a red coat.

"Hey, are you the one who is being raped?" Roach asked.

"If by raped, you mean, ready to burn your ass." The splicer said.

"I think that's the definition of rape." Roach said.

Jack came running up behind Roach. The splicer threw a fireball at Roach.

"Oohh, a penny." Roach said.

He bent over and the fireball flew over him and hit Jack in the chest. Jack landed back on the ground and pulled out his shotgun. He aimed it at the Splicer and it exploded into a cloud of red smoke.

"These things have access to magic now? This game sucks!" Jack yelled.

It re-materialized in the hall to the right. Before it could throw another fireball, Jack emptied his shotgun's mag into it. He looted it's corpse for some Chlorophyll.

"Chlorophyll? The stuff in plants? Why the fuck would he be carrying this around?" Jack asked.

"Damn it, I dropped my penny." Roach whined.

Jack saw a small sliding door on the wall. Before he could open it, Roach stopped him.

"Wait! There might be a soldier in there! I'll clear it out!" Roach yelled.

Roach slid the door open just a crack and threw an M-67 grenade in the small room behind it before sliding it shut. They waited, and waited, and waited.

"What's taking so long?" Jack asked.

"It must have a longer fuse." Roach said.

"I'm gonna check it out." Jack said opening the door.

"NNNNOOOOO!" Roach yelled.

"You forgot to pull out the pin." Jack said after snatching it with his Telekinesis.

"Whoopsie." Roach said.

Jack went in the little crawlspace and climbed up a ladder. He came out on the second floor and saw an Audio diary on a table.

"That dick Ryan has closed Arcadia to the poor. He turned a walk through the woods into a leisure stroll. 50 bucks per ticket. I argued with him, but then I remember who leaves a large sack of money on my desk. The only thing worse than a hippie is a broke one." It said.

Jack and Roach were about to enter the next room.

"You know what this place reminds me of?" Roach asked.

"I don't care." Jack said.

"It reminds me of the time I was in the amazon, fighting savages." He said.

"I don't care!" Jack said forcefully.

"All I had to defend myself was a knife and my dead partner's left leg. You should have seen those freaks. All of them were butt naked and had bones in their noses. They were tossing homemade spears towards me in every direction." Roach continued.

"Will you just shut the fuck up!" Jack yelled.

The door to the next room opened, and bullets flew out from splicers and a turret. Jack pulled Roach into an alcove and laid down some fire with his pistol.

"I tore a bone out of this one fat guy's nose and used him as a human shield against the spears. I stabbed an unarmed child in the stomach and slit the throat of a pregnant woman." Roach continued.

"Human shield?" Jack asked.

"Oh yes. Then I grabbed the tail of a spider monkey and swung it around like a mace, smashing the skulls of several natives. That's what got me into the Task Force. Before that, I was in, hey! What the hell are you doing!" Roach gasped as Jack held him in front of himself.

Jack strafed out of the alcove and blasted a splicer in the head with his pistol. Bullets flew into Roach's abdomen, spraying blood everywhere. Jack shot some AP rounds into the turret, blowing it up and finished off the rest of the splicers. He threw Roach to the ground like a skank.

"What the hell was that for?" Roach whined.

"I don't know, maybe it had something to do with that Amazon story." Jack said.

"You didn't believe me?" Roach asked.

"Shut up, wrap this shit around your bullet wounds." Jack said.

He tossed a med kit at Roach, hitting him in the nose. Roach's wounds magically repaired themselves.

"Holy shit, your one of those iron maiden things from _Resident Evil 4_!" Jack yelled, shoving his pistol in Roach's face.

"No, I just have regenerating health." Roach said.

"You do! That is fucking unfair!" Jack whined.

Jack pulled Roach to his feet and they continued along the path. They came to another crawlspace door.

"It's that little door from _Alice in Wonderland_, hello talking door!" Roach said to the door.

"How the hell did you ever get in the army?" Jack asked.

Jack slid open the door and reached in.

"OOOWWWWW! Something shocked me!" He said, pulling his hand back.

"It's probably ions in the air, they're all around us." Roach pointed out.

"Theres no way an electrically charged atom could shock like that." Jack said.

"Then maybe it's static electrici, OOOOOWWWW!" Roach griped after putting his hand in.

"Say, theres a bunch of wires stretched across the door." Jack said.

"The electrician must have left them there." Roach said, sucking on his hand.

Jack used his wrench to swat the wires out of the way. After looting some more containers, they proceeded to the next area. On an upper platform, there was a new vending machine next to a bunch of storage crates. It glowed red and had the sign "U-invent" on it.

"What the fuck is this?" Jack asked.

"Use U-invent machines to craft ammo and tonics using components found around Rapture!" The help message said.

"Help messages never told me stuff like that." Roach said.

"Big deal, all it has is booze hound, Bloodlust, AP rounds, Exploding buck. EXPLODING BUCK!" Jack gasped.

Using some crap he picked up earlier, he created 24 rounds of exploding buck and loaded some in his shotgun. Then he aimed it at a storage crate and shot it, blasting it open and sent shards of wood into Roach.

"DY-NO-MITE!" Jack yelled.

"Ouch, I got a splinter." Roach said.

"Hey, they're items up on those beams." Jack pointed out.

"I'll get them, I'm a good climber." Roach said.

Roach climbed on a storage crate and reached for the beam, which was still too high.

"You need something else to stand on, retard." Jack said.

Roach grabbed a small tin can and set it on the crate, then he stood on it. He still couldn't reach it.

"Can you hurry it up? We still have a lot to do." Jack asked.

Roach grabbed a bunch more tin cans and stacked them on top of each other. Then, he carefully placed his foot on top of them and stood up on them, reaching for the items.

"MMmmm, Pudding." Jack said.

Jack grabbed the can that was at the bottom of the stack, and it tumbled, throwing Roach over the Railing.

"Wait a minute. I can just grab them with Telekinesis." Jack realized.

He used Telekinesis to snag some Machine gun ammo. Roach lay motionless on the wet floor.

"Come on, lazy ass retard. We got to move." Jack yelled over the railing.

Roach slowly pulled himself up and held an ice pack against his head as he climbed up the stairs to rejoin Jack, who was trying to open the can of pudding with his wrench. They passed some doors leading to areas we'll explore later, but now, we have to stay on the plot, however pointless it is.

"Jesus, is this can made of concrete or some shit like that?" Jack asked.

They came to a large room that was separated by a wall with 2 doorways. There was a Gatherer's garden in the middle of it and a Health station and gene bank on the wall.

"What's this? A little girl pedophile machine?" Roach asked.

"Oh, It gives you shit that can be shot out of your hand. What is the deal with this can?" Jack asked, banging the can against the wall.

"Cool. I want to shoot stuff out of my hand!" Roach said.

Roach shot the machine with his G18. The bullets just pinged off of it.

"All the machines down here are indestructible. Except that one." Jack said, pointing at the health station.

"Oh, that's a relief." Roach said, shooting the health station until it exploded.

Jack continued to bang the can on the wall. Suddenly, loud footsteps were heard.

"Holy shit, It's Alice! She ate one of those giant cakes!" Roach squealed.

"Hell no! That's one of them big daddy things. If you help me take it down, I'll split the goods with you." Jack said.

"I want 75 percent." Roach peddled.

"60." Jack offered.

"50 and that's my final offer." Roach bargained.

"Fine by me." Jack said.

Jack peeked around the corner of the doorway, he saw a Rosie and a little sister. There were also some splicers. Jack sneaked over to the gene bank and equipped the Enrage plasmid in place of his incinerate plasmid. Jack creeped over to the doorway and hit the splicers with the rotten apples. They started firing their guns at the Rosie, whom easily killed them.

"Alright broach. You attack it from the other doorway and I'll blast it with my-" Jack started.

"AAARRRRRRGGGHHHH! My hand's on fire!" Roach screamed.

Jack turned around and saw Roach, who equipped his Incinerate plasmid. Jack ran over to him and clamped his hand over his mouth.

"Shut up, your gonna give us away!" Jack hissed.

"Mmm mmmm, mm mm mm." Roach mumbled.

"What?" Jack asked, unclasping Roach's mouth.

"I said mmm mmmm, mm mm mm." Roach said.

"Did you take my Plasmid out of my bank when I wasn't looking?" Jack demanded.

"I thought it was that stuff that steadies your aim when sniping." Roach said.

"You know what? Keep it. Consider it a gift." Jack said.

Jack pulled Roach over to the doorway and peeked around it.

"That's our target." Jack said.

"The freak in the diving suit?" Roach asked.

"Yeah, just run out there and shoot at it blindly, I'll take care of the rest." Jack said.

"Ha, I can take care of it myself." Roach said.

Roach walked up to the Rosie, it growled at him.

"Tell me something, if your a male, why are you named Rosie? Isn't that a girls name?" Roach asked.

While the Rosie thought about the question, Roach peppered it with bullets.

"Eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh eh." Roach mumbled along with his G18.

The Rosie shrugged off the bullets and shot Roach in the gut with it's Rivet gun.

"Ouch. Who knew rivets hurt so much?" Roach exclaimed.

Just then, Jack jumped into the fray and blasted the Rosie with Explosive buck.

"Get him Mr. B!" The little sister cried.

"Shut up brat!" Jack yelled as he kicked her.

The Rosie got angry at this and procured a proximity mine. Before it could throw it, Jack blew it up, taking the Rosie's arm off. The Rosie fell over dead, since it's health meter was empty. The little sister tried to run over to it's corpse, but Jack snatched her and freed her from the snail without a shell. He put 30 ADAM in a vial and threw it on Roach, who was laying on the ground in pain.

"Theres your cut." Jack said.

"Cherry coolade?" Roach asked.

"It's the stuff used at the pink vending machine." Jack said to Roach like he was a small child.

"Yay!" Roach said, clapping his hands.

Roach got up and ran over to the machine and was heartbroken when he saw that he couldn't afford anything.

"May I please have some of yours?" Roach asked.

"Fuck off. This isn't _Charlie and Lola_." Jack said, purchasing Electro Bolt 2.

"Please?" Roach asked.

"No." Jack hissed.

"Please?" Roach asked.

"No." Jack hissed.

"Please?" Roach asked.

"NO! If you knew math, you'd know I forgot to give you 10 more ADAM. Just use Incinerate." Jack hissed.

They picked themselves up and went down the hall. There was a door in front of them and one to the left. The waypoint thing pointed to the one in front of them.

"Fuck that. I'm going this way, just because I can." Jack said, walking left.

They came into a small room with a Circus of Values, Health station, and shutdown panel. Jack was about to use the health station, but Roach blasted it with his G18.

"What the fuck!" Jack demanded.

"Wait, those things are friendly?" Roach asked.

"Uhhh, why else are they called health stations?" Jack asked.

"WELCOME TO THE CIRCUS OF VALUES!" The vending machine yelled.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH! EVIL CLOWN!" Roach screamed as he shot at it.

"Save your lead. Those things are indestructible." Jack said.

"Hey look, a safe!" Roach said.

"I'll get her open." Jack said.

"Not to worry, I'll open it." Roach said.

Roach planted a C4 charge on it.

"Wait, you'll destroy-" Jack started.

"GET DOWN!" Roach yelled, tackling Jack.

The charge exploded and flaming dollar bills flew through the air.

"You destroyed it's contents." Jack said in a suppressed tone.

"Oh...You should have said something!" Roach scolded.

Jack hit Roach on the forehead with his wrench. They proceeded further down the corridor and entered another room with a U-invent and gene bank. But what caught Jack's eye was a small cardboard sign that had a red man on it and bared a familiar name.

"Atlas?" Jack read.

"Boyo, In case you get any bad ideas, I was at one time a political figure. I did some crazy things, but now I just want to get the hell out of here. So don't think I'm gonna kill you or something like that." Atlas said over the radio.

"Why would I think that you would kill me?" Jack asked.

"Uhhhhh, errrmmm, ahhhhh...(crinkle) (Crinkle) Yer breaking up boyo! (Crinkle) I'll contact you later!" Atlas said before hanging up.

"Hmmm. Must be bad reception here. Damn AT&T." Jack said.

"Intruder!" A voice yelled.

Jack spun around and saw a male splicer in a red coat. Just as he aimed his shotgun at him, the splicer burst into a red cloud. Jack, however, saw bent light racing across the room. He blasted it with explosive buck and the splicer's corpse fell to the ground, dead. He looted it's corpse for another bottle of Chlorophyll.

"Why the hell are these witch doctors carrying chlorophyll?" Jack questioned.

After grabbing some more explosive buck at the U-invent, Jack returned to the other corridor and entered the area known as Rolling hills. A small hill lead downward where an RPG turret was placed under one of those small roofs that I can't remember what they're called. The turret's light turned on.

"Hey look. That office chair has a head light." Roach said.

"Oh shit." Jack muttered.

He grabbed Roach by his shoulder and pulled him to the ground as a Rocket flew overhead. Jack zapped it and introduced it to 20 Armor piercing bullets, blowing it up.

"I haven't seen an office chair do that since I helped escort that Bishop guy out of Armacham HQ when I was with the SFOD-D. After this one black guy, Holiday I think, disarmed the explosives around Bishop, I wanted to make sure no one would use them against us." Roach started.

Jack had heard enough. He pulled out a bottle of Glue and grabbed Roach by the neck. He squeezed some out on his lower lip and pushed his upper lip down on it. Roach mumbled inside his sealed mouth.

"That's better." Jack said.

"I shot the explosives, unfortunately killing a fellow soldier." Roach said.

Jack spun around and saw Roach, his lower lip had been torn from it's place and attached to the upper one. Teeth and gums could be seen.

"You have any of that glue left?" Roach asked.

Jack tossed a bottle at his head and they moved on. They went down some steps (which reminded Roach of the time he was trapped at Lakeview Hotel) and came to a lower level filled with trees. Jack immediately saw an open door with a wonderful phrase above it.

"Rapture Metro." It said.

"The exit already? Hot dog! Looks like things are going my way for once!" Jack said.

He jumped and clicked his heels together. Then he sprinted to the doorway. Suddenly, a strange green gas flooded into the area which cause the trees to wilt. Jack ran headfirst into the now closed door of the metro.

"Hazardous waste detected. Entering quarantine status." The loudspeaker said.

"Hazardous waste detected! Why the fuck is there a Hazardous waste detector in a fucking tree farm! That's like the Train's BOW detector in _Resident Evil 2_!" Jack questioned.

The familiar tune played on Jack's Radio.

"Like the gas? It's coming from my Herbicide ventilator. My men laughed at me when I bought it, but now it's paying off. It will eventually kill you." Ryan said.

"Oh god, he's right!" Roach said choking (His lower lip was now glued back in place).

"Actually it doesn't. I mean it's supposed to, but not in the game, so you can take as much time as you want. But fear it anyway!" Ryan said.

"Oh, he's right. It was the glue that slipped down my throat." Roach said.

"Damn, the gas has the crap house locked down boyo. If we could only restore the trees, they'd vent out the gas." Atlas said over the radio.

"WHY IS THERE A FUCKING HAZARDOUS WASTE DETECTOR HERE!" Jack yelled.

"Boyo, theres this crazy broad. Her names Langford. If anyone can restore the trees, it'll be her. Her laboratory is nearby. Find her." Atlas said.

"Why a hazardous waste detector! WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?" Jack yelled, banging his head against the door.

Some birds fell out of the tree, dead. One was green with a blue cap. Another was pink with a flower and the last one was red with a yellow head. Yes, the main characters of _3__rd__ and Bird_ fell victim to the threat of pollution as well. Roach picked the green one up.

"Mmmm. I could go for a little fried chicken." He said, licking his lips.

He tied the bird to a stick and set a pile of leaves on fire with Incinerate. He held the bird over the fire, while plucking it's feather's off.

"Could you pick up the pace boyo? This chapter's already over 13 pages." Atlas said.

"So what?" Jack asked.

"If you don't move on with the story, the author will kick your ass 10 times worse than any weapon Ryan has." Atlas said.

Jack pulled his head out of the massive dent he made in the door. He turned around and saw Roach salting the bird's carcass. He saw an Audio diary on the bench.

"Wouldn't believe how much tickets here costs. Anyway, took Masha in and she scream in high pitched voice. She was scared of a tree. A fucking tree! Thought it was a monster. Masha very strange child. Last night, she thought bed was coffin. This morning, she thought Reese's Puffs were calitrops. Last Christmas, she thought present was Pizza. This town crazy. Never should have come. Still, it beats living in North Korea. At least here, we have more than one TV channel." It said.

Roach poured some hot sauce on the bird as Jack saw something behind a decorative waterfall. He went through it and found a hidden cave. He waded through the waste high water and found some kind of Altar. There was some chlorophyll and another Audio diary on it, as well as a Heart on a plate surrounded by lettuce.

" Some of the retards here are acting like Savages. They call fancy wine blood, Plasmids magic, boobs coconuts, caves saturines, and Red coats sacred man dresses. It feels like I'm in that one episode of _Scooby Doo_. These Saturines are actually all over the place, on my property! If I see any one of those witch doctor wannabes, I will sick my Turrets on them! God, why didn't I make my own vending machine?" The diary said.

Jack grabbed the heart on he plate and ate it. Then, he went back outside, where Roach sat on the ground, with several bird bones on the ground in front of him. He was finishing off the last piece, the pink bird's leg. Roach let out a massive belch.

"That's just wrong." Jack said.

"No, it's delicious." Roach said.

"Didn't you save some for me?" Jack asked.

"Nope. A lazy man works twice as hard." Roach said.

"What does that saying even have to do with this?" Jack asked.

"Because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." Roach said.

"Get up, lard ass." Jack said, pulling Roach up.

They strolled on through a nearby door, which lead to a glass tube. Roach saw a huge catfish outside of it.

"mMMmm. Sardines." He said.

He walked towards it, his right arm stretched out. He bumped his head against the glass. A splicer with a pistol ran in. Jack blasted her with his Shotgun. They came to a closed shutter door with a pneumo tube and tv moniter, which came on with the face of some woman who looked strangely similar to Tenenbaum.

"Who are you?" She demanded.

"AAAAHHHHHH! Demon TV!" Roach yelled, blasting it with his G18, which had no effect.

"Are you the ones who killed my trees? No, it was Ryan. They can be saved, but first I need you to bring me a rose sample from the waterfall grotto." The woman (Langford) said.

"Who am I, your messenger boy? Why can't you get it?" Jack asked.

"Because the whole area is crawling with spliced up freaks and automated turrets and the only weapon I have is a short range chemical thrower!" Langford yelled.

"Hey, I could use one of those. Can I have it?" Jack asked.

"NO!" Langford yelled before turning off her TV.

"Fucking whore." Jack muttered.

He dragged Roach back to Rolling hills and was silently surprised when he walked in the middle of a group of angry splicers.

"That must be the guy who killed our trees!" A guy in a suit said.

"Yeah, let's tear him open!" A woman in a white dress said.

"He is so not cool dude." A woman in a tye dye shirt said.

"Bring peace to the earth!" A man in a tye dye shirt and orange afro said.

"It was him!" Roach yelled, pointing to Jack.

"Meat shield!" Jack yelled, grabbing Roach around the neck.

Before anyone fired a shot, Jack noticed another Rosie with a little sister wandering into the area. Thinking fast, he threw an Enrage apple at it and it's yellow visor turned red. It threw a proximity mine at the guy in the suit, killing him. The woman in the tye dye shirt grabbed her guitar and smashed it over the Rosie's head. The Rosie grabbed her and swung her down onto the woman in the white dress, killing both of them. The man in the tye dye shirt and afro pulled out a jar of some blue liquid and threw it at the Rosie. The Rosie's visor turned blue and it sat on the ground staring up at the ceiling.

"Crystal meth bro, any hippie's best friend." The man said.

Jack blew the hippie's head off with his pistol and grabbed the little sister. He rescued her and let her run off to a nearby vent. The big daddy did nothing.

"The little ones want to thank you. You will find their gift by the gatherer's garden." Tenenbaum said over the radio.

"Was that a German? They must think the war is still going on down here." Roach said.

"If theres any war down here, it's the war of Bad accents." Jack said.

They walked back to the gatherer's garden, where a little sister placed a present with a teddy bear by the machine.

"Hey freeze! I'm taking you in for questioning!" Roach yelled, running after her.

Jack opened the present and found the Safecracker tonic, 200 ADAM, and 12 Electric buck.

"Safecracker tonic! I don't need a fucking tonic to open safes! I got this safecracker I stole from that british chick!" Jack said, holding it up.

Suddenly, the woman from that past chapter walked up to Jack.

"Thank you." She said before chopping him in the back with her hand.

The woman grabbed her safecracker and took off. Jack equipped the safecracker tonic since he lost the device. Roach came back, panting.

"That little bitch slipped through this strange air vent. I filled it with lead, but she must have been wearing a Kevlar vest." He said.

The guys wandered down the hall until they came to the entrance of waterfall grotto.

"Waterfalls remind me of the time I was chasing terrorists in a Zodiac boat up in Canada. To catch up with them, I had to drive through a restaurant and parking lot, killing several people. Then, when I finally caught up with them, I stabbed the bastards with my vintage Bowie knife. Then I realized that I also stabbed the fuel tank right as I was about to plummet over the side of Niagara falls. Before I did, I fired an RPG round at the dam to the right. It drained my section of it's water, unfortunately, it also killed 50 people who were at the damn and ruined the tourist site. I was banned from going there ever again." Roach said.

"Whatever, lets just get that rose sample and split." Jack said.

They walked through the doorway and quickly retreated back outside when they saw 4 splicers standing over the corpse of a dead Houdini splicer.

"That was groovy dude, we just scrambled all over him." The splicer with long brown hair and glasses said.

"Far out, now he won't be able to steal our enchanted Roses." the woman with long brown hair and purple headband said.

"No one will ever know we use them to hide our love juice." The one with an orange afro said.

"Free love brothers." The one with a mustache said.

"If only I had some grenades." Jack said.

"Here, use mine." Roach said as he handed Jack a Flashbang grenade.

"...I mean a grenade for my Grenade launcher!" Jack said.

"Sorry, I left that in my ACR." Roach said.

"Alright, I'll get creative. Wait here." Jack said.

He equipped his Enrage plasmid and creeped into the room. Just as he was about to throw it at the mustached hippie, Roach stepped in front of him.

"Can I have my Flashbang b-" Roach started before the enrage apple hit him in the head.

"You worthless idiot! Now I have to waste-" Jack started.

Roach's eyes turned blood red. He pulled out his vintage Bowie knife and charged at the splicers. He stabbed the one with long brown hair in the stomach and tore it upwards, leaving a massive crevice in the splicers abdomen. Jack looked to his left and saw another research camera to replace the one he broke in the last chapter. He grabbed it and took some photos of the splicers. He maxed out the Thuggish splicer category and got increased damage, Sport boosts 1 and Sports boost 2. Roach stabbed the one with the mustache in the chest and picked him up with his knife. He threw the splicer past Jack, and into the wall, dead. Jack was horrified by this and hid behind the nearby U-invent machine. Roach performed a slash that was so quick, you barely saw it, on the woman, whose head just fell off afterwards.

"You're way out of touch dude, you need to embrace nature." The one in the afro said.

Roach unleashed a flurry of slashes rapidly. The splicer just fell into individual slices of meat. Roach violently turned around and looked at the U-invent Machine. He stomped over to it and grabbed it, pressing his fingers in it so hard, it dented it. He lifted it up above his head, revealing Jack, who was curled up in a ball. Roach let out a bloodthirsty yell, splashing saliva all over Jack. Suddenly, his eyes returned to their normal blue color.

"It's important to brush your teeth twice a day to avoid gingivitis." Roach said in his normal voice.

The weight of the machine became to much for him. Unable to hold it up, Roach was crushed by the machine.

"I thought Milk was supposed to make you stronger." Roach said weakly.

"Damn, remind me to never use Enrage on you again." Jack said, moving the machine off Roach.

"I'm sorry. I just saw freaking clowns everywhere. I can't stand those freaks, I have to kill them!" Roach said.

"Whatever, get your rear in gear." Jack said.

Before going through the door, Jack found an Audio diary near the machine.

"The market is patient. We've sold absolutely 0 plasmids. But that doesn't mean they won't sell. They had better sell, god damn it, I spent 50,000 dollars advertising the damn things. If they don't sell, we'll have a warehouse filled with genetic modifiers. Damn it, how he hell did people sell those strips you put in your mouth to make their teeth look white? It's the same thing really. Maybe I could try selling them to children. After all, we don't have any of those Anti-drug TV specials down here. Yes, the children would love Plasmids. They could get even with bullies, or Vice versa. They could torment the adults so much, they'd have to buy some to protect themselves. Even better, I could dress up as a clown and offer it to them personally. There is one flaw, since this is the 60s, the _Drug Avengers_ may come down here and stop it. Then again, I could just kill them with my sentry bots. Yes, it's perfect! Or, I could just get rid of Fontaine and take over his business, yeah, I like that idea better." It said.

They went through the next door and came to a ledge leading down. It had sections of wall at certain places around the edges. What puzzles Jack were the strings sticking out of the walls that blinked with electricity.

"What in Jewish Jesus' bible are those?" Jack said. "_Don't ban us, Christian Readers._"

"My god, it must be some sort of anti matter force field! Like the ones in _Timesplitters:Future Perfect_!" Roach said.

"I don't think-" Jack started.

"Hush! The only way to get past them is to overload them with an electro tool." Roach continued.

"That isn't a forcefield, retard. It's 1960." Jack said forcefully.

"Then why do you keep referencing things from 2000 onward?" Roach asked.

"Because...there isn't anything good to make fun of in the 60s." Jack said.

"I'll prove to you that this is an Anti matter field." Roach said

Roach ran into the electric sparks and got tangled in trap bolt strings. He fell to the floor, stunned.

"I told you it wasn't a forcefield." Jack said.

"Anti matter field!" Roach corrected.

Several bullets whizzed past Jack. He dragged Roach back towards the door and peeked through an opening in the wall. There was a turret on the lower level. Jack whipped out his pistol and plugged it with several AP rounds. Then he pulled the strings off of Roach, so he could move again. Jack was about to continue down the walkway, but then he noticed several more trap strings. He hatched a mischievous plan.

"Say, why don't you scout ahead? I'll cover you from here." Jack said.

"Okay dokie." Roach said.

Roach walked down the walkway and stopped right in front of the first set of trap strings. He turned around.

"Say, I have the feeling your trying to use me as bait." Roach said.

Jack walked right up to Roach and shoved him into the trap strings, tangling him again.

"What do you feel now?" He asked.

"200 volts!" Roach said, foaming at the mouth.

Suddenly, a volley of bullets hit Jack from another opening in the wall. Jack ducked in cover and opened a First aid kit. The bandages had Hello Kitty on them.

"Seriously?" He asked.

He closed it and tossed it at Roach, which hit him on the head after un-tangling himself. He used a normal First aid kit and introduced the Turret that shot him to 20 machine gun rounds. He turned to Roach, who had Hello Kitty Bandages everywhere on him.

"I love Hello Kitty." He said.

Jack decided to spare Roach from some pain and used Telekinesis to pick up the pallet that Roach was sitting on. Roach fell off and slammed his head against the wall. Jack threw the Pallet through the next set of Trap strings. The lower floor was covered in water, had a waterwheel by the stairs, and had a bush of brightly lit roses in the center of the room. There was also a small doorway, leading behind the waterwheel and a closed door with a keypad. There was a camera on the wall. Jack wanted do shove Roach in it's light to see what would happen, but the story was over 20 pages, so he just destroyed it with his pistol. There was an Audio diary on the steps.

"Yes, my early tests are promising. I tried to resurrect the _veggie tales_ characters, but it failed. It only seems to work on plant life that isn't alive, so I fed them to my niece. With this invention, I can win a nobel peace prize. It still isn't ready though. After I revived a tree, it twisted and turned black. I spray painted an X on it, and the paint began to bubble. I decided to chop it down and turn it into lumber (I own the lumber industry down here you know) and this black goo seeped out. The goo formed a mouth and began to sing a song about smoke and pollution before turning into a giant man of Smoke. He said his name was Excess or some shit like that and he was going to destroy the rest of my trees. I get paid a lot for that, so I froze him with the liquid nitrogen in my Chemical Thrower. Then I sucked him up with a vacuum cleaner and flushed him down the toilet. Man, talk about Moving forward." It said.

Jack saw another Audio diary by the waterwheel.

"I can't believe this. Just when my Plasmids start to sell, that Fontaine Fucker offers a better product. He just invented something called Incinerate, which lets people light cigarettes with their fingers. That fucking dick. I must come up with something better. Maybe a 2 for 1 deal or free tonics for kids on Saturdays. Maybe I could copy his products and give them different names, like Flamethrower, or Inferno. I could also find some way to retaliate against his corporation. Graffiti, Flaming bags of crap, false accusations, and murder all seem like viable options. Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for my cult meeting at the Saturine." It said.

Roach wandered down the stairs and a perplexed by the roses. Jack went over to the door with the keypad. Since he didn't hear anything about a code in the hundreds of Diaries he found, he decided to take a different approach. He aimed his shotgun at it and blasted it apart. The door slid open. He went inside and found a storage room. After pocketing a First aid kit, EVE Hypo, Pistol rounds and a Grenade, he grabbed another Audio diary.

"I'm confused. Theres a civil war going on and I don't know whos good and whos evil. Theres Ryan Industries and Fontaine Futuristics. Which one should I choose? Oh, I wish I played that _Avatar Video game_. It would help me decide. I should weigh the pros and cons of each faction. If I join Ryan Industries, I could have sex with Andrew Ryan. If I join Fontaine Futuristics, I could have sex with Frank Fontaine. I'd call it a tie. I think I'll side with Fontaine, Ryan's Mustache is a major turn-off." It said.

Jack went back into the central room and saw Roach laying in the water. He pulled him to his feet.

"What the hell is wrong now?" Jack demanded.

"I was thirsty, so I licked some water off of those Roses and I started seeing all these different colors swirling around. They made me dizzy and I passed out." Roach said.

Jack rubbed his finger along one of the roses. A green liquid was stuck to his finger.

"That's because you just took some acid tard." Jack said.

"ACID! I love Acid!" Roach exclaimed.

Roach grabbed one of the roses and pulled it off the bush. Loud stomping could be heard on the upper floor.

"Awww shit. Does everything here have a built in security alarm?" Jack questioned.

Jack pulled Roach into the small room to the right. Roach loudly slurped the acid in the rose.

"Stop that!" Jack said, swatting Roach in the face.

"The colors. They're going so fast. I think I have motion sickness." Roach said.

Roach held his mouth and bent over, vomiting. Jack leaned against the wall, wrench in hand. 4 more hippie splicers entered the room and came down to the water filled floor.

"I just know someone was down here messing with our stash." The one with the brown afro said.

"It's a good thing I got a silent alarm hidden in the bush." The woman with a blonde ponytail said.

"Why the hell did we hide it in such a wet area? All my shoes give off a musty smell because of it." The man with long blonde hair and green headband said.

"Because this water provides constant nourishment for our little red friends." The one with curly orange hair said.

"Water?" Jack thought.

"Who? The demons?" The one with long blonde hair asked.

"No, the roses you idiot!" The one with curly orange hair said.

Jack got an awesome idea. He pulled Roach on top of an old crate and zapped the water with Electro bolt. All the splicers were shocked by the water and were fried completely when they dropped dead in the water. Roach vomited one more time.

"Your a fucking wimp." Jack muttered.

He looted the corpses for dough and ammo and dragged Roach back to the entrance to Langford's laboratory. Her face came on the monitor.

"You have the sample? Good, put it in the tube." She said.

"Hang on sweet cheeks, how do I know your gonna keep your end of the bargain?" Jack asked.

"My end? The whole area is flooded with insaniacs and all I have is a partially loaded Chemical thrower." Langford said.

"Which I still want." Jack said.

"The point is, I can't leave my the safety of my lab to do all that stuff, I need you to do it." Langford said.

"What about this rose thing? Is that all you need done?" Jack asked, holding the rose up.

"No, I still need several other ingredients to cure the trees." Langford said.

"Then why didn't you ask me to get those before?" Jack questioned.

"Because they're all in Farmer's Market and it's locked." Langford said.

"Well how do I unlock it?" Jack asked.

"I have a key." Langford said.

"Then give it to me to get to the market." Jack asked.

"I can't." Langford said.

"Well why the fuck not?" Jack questioned.

While this ridiculous conversation was taking place, Roach searched a nearby waste bin and found an abandoned Mr. Game and watch device.

"Because I need the rose first." Langford said.

"Then why do you need the rose first when you already know what the other ingredients are!" Jack loudly demanded.

"Because I want the rose first!" Langford yelled.

"WHY?" Jack loudly demanded.

"WHY WHAT!" Langford asked.

"WHY IN GOD'S NAME DO YOU NEED THE FUCKING ROSE FIRST!" Jack yelled.

"I DON'T KNOW!" Langford yelled.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW!" Jack yelled.

"I DON'T KNOW!" Langford yelled.

"Whheeee. I got to level 2!" Roach said, playing the game and watch.

"JUST PUT THE FUCKING ROSE IN THE TUBE!" Langford yelled.

"ALRIGHT ALREADY!" Jack yelled, throwing the rose in the tube.

"YES! I mean, yes. This will do nicely. You can come in now." Langford said.

The shutter door opened, revealing an office with wooden walls and floor. There was a desk with a lever, Audio diary and tonic.

"God damn it. Those fucking Houdini fucks stole my Chlorophyll supplements. They steal anything that as much as glitters in the light. AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! I'm so angry! (SMASH) Damn it, I broke my beaker set. AAAARRRRRGGGG! Why the hell did I choose this dead beat job! I hate plants! I hate them! I hate them! I hate them! Those fucking chlorophyll supplements took hours to collect and those magic men just thought they were mystical potions or some shit like that and ran off with them! AAAAAARRRRRGGGGHHH! Hey lady, what's the matter? (Smashing and screaming is heard) What the hell is your problem bitch? (Blood gushes) AAARRRRGGGHHH!" It said.

Jack picked up the tonic, It was a hacking expert tonic. He replaced one of his other hacking tonics with it. It's a shame I can't remember what they are.

"I've hacked my security systems. They won't attack you for 300 seconds." Langford said.

"Why did you have to hack your own security systems? Don't you control them?" Jack asked.

"290 seconds." Langford said.

Knowing he must hurry, Jack and Roach went through the adjacent corridor with windows and wound up in a lab. To the right lead upwards and had a leaking fuel barrel and camera. The right had a small flooded area with a gene bank, circus of values, Ammo Bandito, U invent, and helath station as well as an Audio diary.

"They say you can't teach an old hound new tricks. But trees aren't hounds. In fact, Trees aren't even animals, they're plants. I could teach them new tricks, like growing explosive fruit bulbs or strangling vines. Hell, I might even be able to bring them to life and make them my slaves! Then again, I might as well try to create something that will bring them back to life. I can sell the leaves to make chlorophyll and sell that chlorophyll to those fucking Houdini splicers or keep it to myself. Then I could use that potion to bring even more leaves. I just realized how plants are important to me." It said.

Jack and his SAS drop-out companion went to the right and through the door down the hall. They were outside Langford's office, watching her through a glass window.

"Alright, now to bring back the plants-" She started.

"Langford, what do you get when you mix a botanist with 20 gallons of Herbicide?" Ryan asked.

"A botanist with 20 gallons of Herbicide?" Langford guessed.

"...Close enough." Ryan said.

Green gas flooded her office. She began choking.

"Don't worry, it doesn't kill instantly." Roach said.

The gas steamed up the window. Langford wrote 9457 backwards on the window with her finger.

"neves eivf rouf enin? What the hell does that mean?" Roach asked.

"Let's ask her and find out." Jack said.

The duo went into the office and were horrified when they saw Langford's corpse sprawled out on the floor.

"Wait a minute. If the gas didn't kill us, why did it kill her?" Jack questioned.

"Damn it. Without her, We'll have to make the potion ourselves." Atlas said.

"Where the hell have you been?" Jack asked.

"She isn't dead, shes probably just taking a nap." Roach said.

"An eternal nap." Jack said.

"Search her office boyos. Maybe she left a recipe list somewhere." Atlas said.

"Just in case she is dead, I think I'll take her wallet." Roach said.

Jack turned around and was startled when he saw this big thing on the table that looked like a vacuum cleaner with a wrench on it. He examined it and the HUD identified it as the chemical thrower.

This? This is that thing she was talking about?" Jack asked.

He picked it up and pulled the trigger. A stream of fire shot out, burning a vial of the stuff the guys needed to revive the plants that was sitting on a side table, shattering it.

"Cool! Now I can pretend it's Okinawa!" He said.

"Hey look, a walkie talkie!" Roach said, holding up an audio diary.

"Where'd you get that?" Jack asked.

"I found it in-between her breasts. Plus she had limited edition Victoria's secrets panties." He said, holding up the panties in his other hand.

Jack snatched the diary from him as Roach tucked the panties in one of his pouches.

"At last, I finally thought of a name for that potion. I call it Lazarus Vector. Weird name, huh? I wanted to call it Water of Eden, but that name was already taken. I've left the ingredient list in my safe, though I'm not going to tell the combination here. Anyway, in case you missed my last audio diary, this thing resurrects trees after they die. It doesn't work on living beings though. I poured some on a lab rat and a peach tree grew out of it's spine. Pets with crops that grow out of them, that might be a good product for the market." It said.

"Safe? Where the hell does she keep her safe?" Jack asked.

Jack looked at the back of the office and saw a painting of a lovely potted plant.

"Wow, I would love to hang this in my living room." Jack said.

He pointed his chemical thrower at it and set it ablaze with fire. It burnt away, revealing a safe behind it. It didn't have a dial like the other 20 Jack encountered, it had a keypad instead.

"Where the hell am I supposed to find a code for this? Her computer? Maybe I can probe her brain to find out." Jack said.

Pulling out a scalpel, Jack turned to the corpse. Then he saw the numbers on the window.

"Oh, Damn it! How did I miss that!" Jack said.

He entered the combination into the keypad and opened the safe. An Audio diary and key lay inside.

"Okay, I keep losing the piece of paper I wrote the formula on, so I'm recording it here. First off, you'll need a rose sample. The you'll need 7 bottles of chlorophyll that has been scraped off leaves with a Popsicle stick. Then, you need 7 bottles of Distilled water, like the kind that idiot at the bar keeps putting in his drinks. Finally, you'll need the most retarded ingredient ever, 7 samples of Bee enzyme. Yes, bee spit. Don't ask me why I used that in the first place. I was running out of ideas, and I saw a bee on my window, so I spit on it. That's where I got the idea, so shut the fuck up already. Then you'll need to combine all these ridiculous components at a U-invent machine, they're on the rage these days. Oh, and in case I die, please tell Ryan I spit in his coffee that one day." It said.

"There sure is hell ain't any of that stuff in Arcadia boyos. Head to the Farmer's Market, it'll have what your looking for." Atlas said.

"I wish she would have just told us that in the first place." Jack said.

Jack turned around and saw Roach making out with the corpse.

"Ewww. She isn't sleeping beauty dude. Let's go, you can rape her when we get back." Jack said.

Jack grabbed Roach by his collar and dragged him back down the hall. When they stepped through the door, Jack instantly shot the camera with his pistol. Several splicers were in the room, all of them had guns. Jack and Roach dove for cover behind a section of wall as they opened fire. Jack whipped out his chemical thrower and laughed as he set a nearby splicer on fire. The splicer ran for the water in the back, but Roach finished him off with his G18. Jack set the rest of them on fire and they all jumped in the water to put it out. That's when Jack zapped it with Electro bolt and fried them all. He zapped and hacked the nearby turret before he and Roach departed.

After following the waypoint at the top of the screen, they came to the tree farm, which actually didn't have any trees.

"I guess they ran out of names to give the rooms, so they just stuck that one on it." Jack said.

Suddenly, a barrage of bullets hit Roach and he fell to the ground. Jack hid behind a planter pot and saw a Splicer with a Security bot.

"What the fuck? They can hack too?" Jack wondered.

"Hahahaha. Your helpless before my power!" The splicer said to Roach.

Roach pulled out his G18 and emptied the clip onto the splicer, filling him with bullet holes. As the splicer fell to the ground, Jack zapped the security bot and hacked it, turning it into a friendly.

"Revive me!" Roach pleaded, reaching for Jack.

"With what? A defibrillator?" Jack asked.

"Just pull me up!" Roach said.

"Why can't you just get up yourself?" Jack asked.

"I can't, someone has to revive me!" Roach said.

"Alright, Alright, stop yapping." Jack said, pulling him up.

"AAAHHHH! Evil robot!" Roach yelled, shooting at the security bot.

"Cool it, he's on our side." Jack said.

They wandered further down the room. Jack saw some items on a ledge.

"There are some more items. How the hell did they get up there in the first place." Jack pointed out.

"Find me some cans and I'll get them." Roach said.

"Or I could do this." Jack said, using Telekinesis to grab them.

There was another audio diary on some crates.

"I just realized something that all tree huggers should know. Trees produce oxygen. There is no oxygen in the ocean. Well, there is, but we can't breath it. We can use the trees down here to produce oxygen so we can breath underwater. Why didn't I think about it sooner? In fact, lets take it up a notch. Lets make everyone pay for their oxygen! 5 cents per breath. Boy, that could net me over 500 dollars! We can make our Bathyspheres run on Hydro oxygen engines too! But wait, trees don't produce hydrogen. Damn, what does? I guess I could dehydrate some ocean water. Nahhh, that's boring. I'm gonna burn some of my extra trees and see if I can use carbon instead." It said.

"I love trees. One time, I was hiding in a tree and this soldier leaned up against it. I hung upside down from a branch and slit his throat." Roach said.

"And America is proud of you for it." Jack said, walking away.

"Hey, I'm British!" Roach said going after him.

Roach ran after Jack and started descending a short stairway when he slipped on something and slammed his head on the top step. He saw it was an audio diary.

"People should watch where they drop these things!" Roach said.

Jack took it and listened to it.

"These little sisters, they-" It started.

Jack was going to listen to more, but he suddenly spied a Power to the people machine on the wall. Excited, he tossed the diary away and rushed up to it. Since he already got an upgrade for his shotgun, he upgraded his Pistol's capacity next. It now had a tin can extended on it's side which held extra bullets.

"These designs keep getting crazier and crazier." He muttered.

He and Roach went into the final room. It had several ticket booths, one had a safe in it.

"Give me your knife." Jack said, holding his hand out.'

"Okay." Roach said, giving it to him.

Jack stuck the knife in the crack of the safe and pulled on it. The safe's door swung open and Roach's knife was bent.

"Thanks." Jack said, giving it back.

Roach looked at it in terror.

"Do you know how much I paid for this?" He asked.

"You can tell me in the next chapter. We're already over 26 pages." Jack said.

He grabbed Roach by the arm and pulled him to the bulkhead, where the entrance to farmer's market lay.

To be continued...

**Damn, this thing is 28 fucking pages long. I was trying to fit a whole segment in a single chapter. Tell me in your review if you think I should split them up. Do it, you SLACKER!**


	8. Atlas' Shopping list

Chapter 8:Atlas' shopping list

All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner.

**Do you like music videos? Do you like them about video games? Then check out my youtube channel, Franklinsbrother to see some kickass videos for games no one seems to make them for. We have Blacksite Area 51, Legendary, Jericho, Haze,and Darkest of Days. Songs include Diary of Jane, Until the end, Nickelback's Hero, Gone forever, and Awake and alive. Future uploads include F.E.A.R 3, Call of Duty modern warfare 3, and Call of Duty black ops. On a side note, Have you ever played that Blitzball thing in Final Fantasy 10? Those Fucking Luca Goers are beasts. I was just trying to increase my teams skills and when I select League, hoping to face a weaker team like the Kilika Beasts, they pit me against those fuckers. I mean, what the fuck? Does the game want me to keep losing every game? Fuck you game system! And fuck that one Luca player Doram!**

Renko had only been in Rapture for several hours and he already thought it was worse than Katorga 12. Every citizen wore a mask and attacked him on sight saying random things like "You bought that puppy I wanted in the window". Also, he was confused by the overwhelming number of sentry guns in a simple shopping area. Then there was the weird robot thing with the creepy little vampire girl walking around. He just wanted to get away from it all. He stumbled upon a winery, which was the first welcome sight he'd seen all day. He wandered down into it's cellar. He saw a little shack over a puddle of water. Inside it, he found a bottle of Moonshine. He drank the whole thing, and after a loud belch, passed out on the bed.

Jack and Roach walked out of the bulkhead. There was a female corpse laying in front of them. Roach tore off her panties and pressed them against his face and Jack properly salvaged her body. He found an Enzyme sample and an Audio diary.

"Julie, I am sick of this. You've been walking into my beehive collection droning on and on about bee enzyme. I don't care if that vector thing can revive trees, you can't just waltz into my beehive collection whenever you want. From now on, your gonna have to pay me 2 dollars per enzyme you collect, otherwise, I'm gonna cut you in the throat with my sharpened Key. God, I've lived with bees my entire life, you hurt any of them, I'm gonna rape you in your sleep." It said.

"Ugggghhhhh. I hate bees, ever since I played the gamecube remake of _Resident Evil_." Roach said, shivering.

"Relax, this flamethrower will toast any bees that come at us." Jack said, holding his chemo thrower up.

Meanwhile, in Fort Frolic...

Alcatraz walked out of Cohen's collection. He had a cat mask over his helmet, which he looted it from that one splicer.

"This place looks pretty nice. Those safes I broke open contained almost 100 bucks. Now, where to go next?" He said to himself.

He went around the walkway on the second floor of the Atrium. He stopped when he spied something interesting.

"Fleet hall theater? I wonder if they're showing that owl movie?" Alcatraz said.

He waltzed into the red carpeted hallway and came to the refreshment counter.

"Hmmm, I could take some candy and no one would ever know...Tehetehehhheheheheh." He laughed.

He climbed over the counter and took some pep bars and potato chips. Suddenly, a camera that was behind the counter spotted him and triggered an alarm.

"Damn, these guys really love their snacks." He said, pulling out his SCAR-L.

Meanwhile, in the power station Hephaestus...

Darius slowly awakened. He let out a massive shriek when he saw corpses pinned to these pillars.

"Oh my god! Am I in hell?" He asked.

"While you were unconscious, we landed in a city underwater and were taken prisoner by their leader." S.A.M said.

Darius looked at his hands, which were chained to the pillar he was hanging from.

"S.A.M, can you do something about these chains?" He asked.

"I am afraid not, you must press the proper controls to unleash the shockwave." S.A.M said.

"Your a fucking artificial intelligence and you can't even activate your own functions!" Darius demanded.

"Do not worry, the men who were with us in the time vortex will most likely come to our aid." S.A.M said.

"The men from what?" Darius gasped.

Back in Farmer's market...

Roach walked around a corner and an RPG turret fired a round at him, which he caught in his mouth. Jack grabbed it, it's exhaust still firing and threw it back at the turret, destroying it.

"How the hell can they afford these things?" Jack questioned.

"Good thing I used those invisaline things." Roach said, pulling out his transparent Tooth aligners.

"Those things cause cancer." Jack said.

"No, your thinking of those whitening strips." Roach said.

"They're the same thing." Jack said, going down some stairs.

"_1 2 3 4 5 and 6. 7 8 9 10._" Roach sang, going down the stairs.

Jack looked at Roach in confusion.

"_I go 10 9 8 7 6 5 4, 3 2 and 1._" He sang, going back up.

"Isn't that a song from _The Wiggles_?" Jack asked.

"Yeah, they're my favorite band. 1 2 3 4 5 and WHOA!" Roach sang before Jack tripped him and he fell down the stairs.

Jack descended to the bottom and saw some machines. A U-invent, Circus of Values, and a gene bank that had a tonic sitting in front of it. He grabbed it and added EVE link 2 to his bank. He equipped Security Bullseye on his Plasmid track because he had secretly been looking at Walkthroughs on his Iphone. He lifted Roach off the ground and they entered an area with a counter and a large patch of grass.

"Grass panels! Now my Wood elemental Chips will do double damage!" Roach said.

"Wrong game idiot." Jack pointed out.

Suddenly 4 splicers jumped out of cover and tackled Roach to the ground. Jack calmly pulled out his chemical thrower and set everyone, even Roach, on fire. The splicers ran around aimlessly screaming crap like "I'm on fire!" and "Put it out!".

"For 5 bucks I can." Jack said to them.

"Thank god! Hurry!" One of them said as they all threw their fireproof wallets at him.

Jack pulled out his Shotgun and blasted them all dead to the ground.

"Suckers." He said, collecting the wallets.

"Jack, put me out too!" Roach screamed.

Jack grabbed a bottle of whiskey and poured it on Roach, making the fire more severe. Roach rolled around aimlessly before Jack sprayed him with Liquid Nitrogen from his Chemical thrower. Roach was frozen in a small ice aura. Jack equipped his wrench and hit Roach square on the head and completely shattered the ice.

"You expect me to be thankful for that?" Roach asked.

"Your welcome." Jack said.

Jack looked towards the counter and was startled when he saw the corpse of a big daddy, which he shot with his pistol.

"Oh...It's dead." Jack said.

Jack went into the small backroom the corpse laid in. He looted it for 100 bucks and an Audio diary.

"I had my first encounter with him today. And no, not with those strange alien things the people on the surface keep talking about. My gut keeps telling me that he is a no good dick. Or maybe that's the Little Caesar's pizza I just ate. Oh well, He invited me into his tacky penthouse, it was the most disgusting display I've ever seen. He had cheap animal trophies all over the place, I bet he didn't even kill them himself. Then he showed me his personal wine collection. He offered me a drink, which I refused. Then when he wasn't looking, I stuffed a bottle of that rare Moonshine in my coat. He wanted to buy my industry, which I told him was not going to happen. He kept talking in a long drawn out voice like some big time gangster. He was ,of course, not. And do you want to know who this despicable man is? His name is Richard Osmond! No, I was just screwing with you. It's Frank Fontaine." It said.

Jack saw a desk in the corner which had another Audio diary.

"Earlier this morning, I was keeping some of the little ones at my apartment. It was like that one episode of _Tom and Jerry Tales_. I could not take my eyes off them or they break something. I had to lock them in closet. They moan like zombies so I drug them. I sit down on low budget chair to smoke cigarette and one of them sit on my lap. I shove it off and smack it in head with fly swatter. Then, after all these painful hours, I realize it not them I hate, it's the one who forgot to pick them up in first place." It said.

Jack and Roach checked the next storage room. They saw a bottle of water on the shelf.

"Thank god. All that burning made me thirsty." Roach said grabbing it.

"Wait a minute..." Jack thought.

Jack read the label on it's side as Roach started drinking it. It said "Distilled Water".

"NOOO!" Jack yelled, wrestling with Roach over it.

Jack kicked Roach in the groin, making him recoil in pain. Jack pulled the bottle out of his grasp, only to find that it was empty.

"Motherfucker!" Jack yelled.

As Roach began to get up off the ground, Jack smashed the bottle over his head.

"You idiot! Now where are we gonna find 7 bottles of distilled water?" Jack demanded.

"I dunno, maybe we could borrow that one from that Leprechaun over there." Roach said pointing.

Jack looked in the direction he was pointing. He saw a small boy with freakishly huge blue eyes, pointed ears, and blonde hair. He wore a green shirt with a green hat, white pants and brown boots. He had a brown shield and sword with Blue hilt. But what really caught Jack's attention was the bottle of water hanging from his belt. Hiding his pistol under his vest, Jack ran up to him and shoved it in his back.

"Stick em up buddy, gimme all your valuables." Jack said.

"How do I know that's even a real gun?" The weird boy asked.

A shot rang out, the boy dropped dead with a huge bullet hole in his head. Jack plucked the bottle off his belt.

"Is this kid from a Roleplay thing or something?" Jack wondered.

Suddenly, a splicer with a baseball bat jumped into the room.

"You killed my sex slave! You bastards!" She yelled.

"You rape little kids? That's the lowest you could go!" Jack yelled.

The Splicer was almost instantly cut down by Jack's machine gun. Apparently, raping little kids was not cool in his eyes.

"One down, 6 more to go." Jack said.

Leaving the rotting corpses behind, the duo returned to the grass area and found another locked room with a keypad.

"Hmmm, I wonder if any of those audio diaries I picked up had the combination?" Jack wondered.

"Maybe it's in another area." Roach suggested.

"Wait! The one with Tenenbaum!" Jack said.

He specifically remembered the words she said.

"That _one_ episode of.."

"Little _ones_ in my apartment..."

"_One_ of them sit on my lap.."

"The _one_ who forgot to pick them up in first place.."

"The code is 1111!" Jack guessed.

Jack entered the code and ,surprisingly, it worked.

"Ha! I bet Richard Osmond never had puzzle solving skills like that!" Jack bragged.

He went in the room and found some Napalm for his Chemo thrower and something else called Electro Gel.

"Electro Gel? What the hell is this used for?" Jack questioned.

"Maybe it's the stuff they put in batteries." Roach suggested.

"If it is, then it will burn like hell. I think I can put this in my chemo thrower." Jack said, putting it in.

"Say, can I give that thing a try?" Roach asked.

"Hmmm. Let me think." Jack said.

He pulled the trigger and zapped Roach with a stream of electricity. "No."

Done on the first floor, the team went up a nearby set of stairs to the next floor.

"Seriously man, let me try it." Roach begged.

"Hell no. You've got that machine pistol." Jack said.

"But you have like, 7 guns!" Roach whined.

"Then why don't you find your own awesome guns?" Jack said.

"Give me that gun!" Roach yelled, tackling Jack.

The idiots rolled along the floor, barely missing the light of a nearby security camera. Roach managed to wrestle it away from Jack and stood up, holding it backwards.

"Ah HA! Now whos the badass!" Roach bragged.

"Go ahead and shoot me then." Jack said calmly.

"With pleasure." Roach said.

Roach pulled the trigger and shot a stream of electricity into his stomach. He shook around like a crazy rag doll with a stroke and dropped the gun. Jack grabbed it and noticed a small crawlspace door. Grabbing Roach, he opened it, shoved Roach inside and closed it. Using his chemical thrower, he sealed it with liquid nitrogen.

"Hey, let me out!" Roach yelled.

"Not until you learn it's not nice to steal." Jack lectured.

Roach pouted. He looked around the little room he was trapped it. It was freezing his ass off and there were slabs of meat everywhere.

"A club! How fortunate!" he said.

He grabbed a huge chicken leg and was about to bash the door with it, but then he caught a whiff of it's aroma. Hungry, he took a bite out of it.

"Mmmmm. Chicken does taste good rare." He said.

Meanwhile, back outside, Jack was hiding behind the counter. He was counting the money he stole from the cash register.

"19..20..21. Wow, these guys suck." He said.

Suddenly, a loud rumble was heard. Jack looked at the bottle of distilled water on the counter, it rippled.

"Wait, did he say distilled water? How did I miss that?" He asked, grabbing it.

The rumbling continued, a tower of Jenga blocks that was standing on the counter fell down. One of the doors into the room opened. Jack hid underneath the counter. A Rosie stomped through the door, with a little sister right behind her or him or whatever the fuck it is. Jack remembered the walkthrough he read earlier. It said to use security bullseye. Creeping out from under the counter, he armed it.

Meanwhile, back in the meat locker, Roach had finished off the chicken leg and discovered a ladder behind it. Curious, he climbed it and found a crawlspace with an audio diary in it.

"Mr. Fitzner, I have thoroughly considered your suggestions on how to win this civil war. First off, I don't think putting Viagra in our tonics will make a difference. However, I am intrigued with putting mind control chemicals in the plasmids. Sure, I support freedom of choice, but if that fucking retarded gangster wannabe Fontaine takes over, he'll make everyone his slaves. So I guess there isn't much difference, I'm sure Roosevelt would make the same decision if he were in my place. So go ahead, put the mind control stuff in the stuff. I could get everyone to re-elect me too." It said.

Back outside, Jack hurled the blue security bullseye apple at the Rosie. The nearby security camera focused on her/him/it and triggered an alarm. 2 security robots flew in one of the doors and started peppering the Rosie with bullets. The Rosie went crazy and fired Rivets all over the place. One shattered a million dollar vase, one hit a portrait of Barack Obama, and one hit the bottle of Distilled water Jack was holding, shattering it. Jack panicked and hid back under the counter. The Rosie threw a proximity mine at one of the security robots. It swerved to the side and the mine landed on and blew up the counter Jack was hiding under, who was trying to light a cigarette.

Jack was annoyed by this and wanted to kill the Rosie himself. He grabbed one of the security bots right out of the air and planned on using it's propeller as a chainsaw. He pressed it against the Rosie's hull, where the blades were dislodged from the bot. The Rosie turned angerly to Jack. Jack turned tail and ran back into the area with the grass and hid in one of the storage rooms. He breathed a sigh of relief before he turned around and saw the Rosie standing right behind him! The Rosie punched Jack so hard, he flew Right through the door and into the tree in the grass. After recovering from the attack, he looked at the tree and got a stupid Idea.

Jack pulled out his wrench and started hitting the tree with it. The Rosie slowly walked towards him from out of the storage room. Jack saw it and hit the tree even faster. The Rosie advanced on Jack at a rate that was slow even for a Rosie. It took Jack an hour to wear down the tree's trunk, and surprisingly, Rosie was only a foot away from him and hadn't killed him yet. The Rosie aimed it's rivet gun at Jack's head. But before it could pull the trigger, it looked up in time to see the tree crush it.

The Rosie's arms and legs stuck out from under the tree. Jack moved closer for a closer inspection. Suddenly, the Rosie's head tore through the center of the tree truck and roared. Jack shrieked and pressed his shotgun against it's helmet and pulled the trigger, blowing it's head clean off. Satisfied with his victory, Jack grabbed the little sister and rescued her, getting 80 ADAM. Jack suddenly remembered that he left Roach in the meat locker. He scurried up the stairs and knelt in front of the crawlspace door.

"What have we learned today jojo?" Jack asked.

There was no reply.

"Roach, you better be sick or dead in there, I shit you not!" Jack threatened.

Jack melted the ice around the door with his chemo thrower. Inside, Roach was no where to be found and there was an oddly placed _Metal Gear Solid_ poster hanging up. Jack ripped it down and found the crawlspace.

"Ah Ha! Got you you fucker!" He said, pulling out his pistol.

He crawled to the other side and found another meat locker and crawlspace door. He tried to open it, but it was stuck.

"Oh crap." Jack muttered.

He went back to the other meat locker and found the door there was stuck too.

"HeHeHeHeHeHe. If you want out, give me your chemo thing!" Roach said from the other side.

"You little bastard! I'm gonna shove this pistol up your ass!" Jack yelled, banging on the door.

"You'll never get out unless you cooperate with me." Roach said.

"Cooperate this fuck head!" Jack yelled.

A huge explosion blew the door open and sent Roach flying into the back wall. Jack crawled out of the locker, covered in ash and holding his grenade launcher. He grabbed Roach by the back of the neck and pulled him over to the meat grinder.

"I saw this on _saturday night live_." Jack said.

He stuck Roach's left hand in the grinder and turned the handle. Roach screamed in pain as grounded meat came through the lower opening. Roach pulled his arm out, which was now missing a hand. Jack grabbed the bowl that had the grounded meat in it. He shoved it in Roach's face.

"EAT IT!" Jack growled, rubbing it all over his face.

Jack forced some of the meat into Roach's mouth and moved his jaw up and down, chewing it.

"Now your foot!" Jack yelled.

"Oh god no! Not the foot. I swear, I won't ever touch your guns again!" Roach squealed.

"Good, sign this pledge confirming it." Jack said.

Jack laid a piece of paper on the table.

"Do you have a pen?" Roach asked.

"No...use this." Jack said.

Jack handed Roach a finger that had blood on it's bone. He signed his name on the paper in it's blood.

"Good. Now huff it." Jack said.

He noticed another Audio diary on the table.

"To move the great chain, we must all pull together. To pull together, all my citizens must purchase stocks! Buy low penny stocks at Ryan's stockmarket! They only cost a dollar or less and I get richer with every time I increase their prices after you losers buy them! Buy them! Keep the great chain moving! Don't buy Fontaine's stocks! They're worthless! Buy mine! If I lose all my money, I'll triple your taxes. Buy! Buy! Buy!" it said.

Jack saw 2 safes in the area and he managed to hack them easily with his Safecracker tonic. As he was heading down the hallway, Roach caught up with him, and his hand was back.

"How the fuck did you get your hand back together?" Jack asked, startled.

"My limbs grow back. Regenerating health. Watch this." Roach said.

Roach took his knife and cut his ear off. Seconds later, another one grew in it's place.

"That is fucking creepy." Jack said.

"It helps when I'm hungry too." Roach said, eating his old ear.

Jack nearly vomited when he saw an audio diary on the floor next to a bottle of distilled water.

"Harmen, I'm wondering why the hell you put fucking distilled water in you already crappy wine? If I want to drink some fucking water, I would just stand under one of these leaking pipes and open my mouth. This isn't greece. Back in France, if the waiter put water in ze wine, he would be fired. I'm sure you can do something else with all that distilled water you keep in your cellar, just stop putting it in ze wine!" The diary said.

"I could go for some alcohol right about now." Jack said, thinking about the tavern in Neptune's bounty.

"Last time I took a drink of wine, I was attacked by a swarm of angry French men and I had to use a chair as a battering ram to get through them. Also killed a few civilians, but they were probably prostitutes anyway." Roach remembered.

"Uggghhhh. I'd rather listen to Atlas' drunk Irish accent than listen to you drone on about your war memories all day." Jack muttered.

"Hey boyo, have you got the ingredients yet?" Atlas asked.

"No, I was just about to resume that." Jack said.

"Well hurry it up. That last chapter was 10,000 words long." Atlas said.

The duo went through the next door and entered another potentially dangerous glass tube. There were various sea creatures outside of it. They included Sebastian the crab, Seabert the white seal, and the Rainbow fish from all those books. Sadly, a Great White shark spotted them and swallowed them all up with a single gulp. The boys came to an intersection, one leading to the winery, and another to a beehive area.

"Why in gods maiden name would they have a fucking beehive down here? Do they have cows too?" Jack questioned.

Suddenly, a splicer burst out from the door to the beehive place and had a huge swarm of bees chasing him.

"All I wanted was some honey for my toast!" He screamed as they stung him rapidly.

He ran past Jack and Soap, who was watching in amusement.

"I haven't seen something like that since Winnie the pooh." Roach said.

"Maybe we should get the bee spit first, or else we might be too drunk." Jack said.

Roach nodded in agreement and they went to the beehive area, known as Apiary. After they opened the door, they saw a Gatherer's garden, and an Audio diary on the table.

"I now know properties of ADAM.-" The diary started.

"God, I am so sick of listening to these boring things!" Jack yelled.

Jack threw the diary to the floor and stomped on it until it broke. There was an overturned beehive next to them.

"How the hell are we gonna get the spit out of them?" Jack wondered.

"I'll grab one, then you can hold a vial under his mouth while I show him a picture of a Queen bee with breast implants." Roach said.

"Works for me." Jack said.

Roach put his hand on the door of the hive.

5 minutes later...

The door to the marketplace opened, revealing Jack and Roach who were screaming while running away swatting a massive swarm of bees away from them. Jack swung open one of the meat locker doors and they slid inside, slamming the door behind them.

"Jesus. Who knew bees hate photo shopped pictures of their queens?" Roach asked.

"Damn it. I just realized that the workers are females. They probably thought we were defacing the queen's good image." Jack said.

"I wish they were lesbian bees." Roach said.

"Should we photo shop a male bee?" Jack asked.

"I've never photo shopped male genitalia." Roach said.

"Shit. Alright, there must be some way that crazy flower woman got their spit in the first place. They're probably more in the back part of the store." Jack said.

"But what about those angry ones in the front?" Roach asked.

"Leave those little fuckers to me." Jack said.

Jack slid the door open a crack.

"The coast is clear." He said.

The left the meat locker and returned to the door of the Apiary. Jack held his chemo thrower close to him. Roach put a breaching charge on the door. It exploded and Jack charged into the store in slow motion. He gave a bloodthirsty howl as he shot a stream of fire at the beehive. Unfortunately, Revenge causes you to become reckless. Which is why Jack also set a little yellow orange bear in a Red shirt on fire as well, because of recklessness. The bear almost incinerate instantly, as if he were made of fluffing. You know what? That's exactly what he was made of, because Jack just killed the beloved children's icon, Winnie the Pooh.

Roach stared in horror at the pile of ashes left behind from the fire. He scooped them up in his hands and wept into them.

"He was the only good children's show character!" Roach said.

"Disney was going to kill him off eventually anyway." Jack shrugged.

Roach coughed violently after inhaling too much of the ashes during his weeping. Jack visited the Gatherer's garden. He bought an extra Plasmid slot and added Winter blast to it. Roach's face was pitch black from the damn ashes. For fun, Jack pressed his face against the floor and made a picture of a sad face on the floor from the ash. He went into the back room and his ears were plagued with constant buzzing. It was filled with, like, 20 beehives and over a million bees.

"Look! We can harvest the spit here!" Roach said, before charging in.

"Wait! Its-" Jack started.

Roach came back into the empty corridor swatting bees away.

"These bees are assholes. I didn't even do anything to them." He said.

"We'll have to start a fire to scare them off. Look for something I can burn." Jack said.

"I think this switch might be flammable." Roach said.

He grabbed the switch on the wall and pulled it down. Smoke flooded the room, scaring the bees back in their nests.

"AAAHHHHHH! Tear gas!" Roach screamed, jumping to the floor.

"Relax idiot. This must be how they get their honey. Let's grab them enzymes." Jack said.

Jack descended into the bee room. A timer appeared on screen.

"Theres a timer on that thing? Why the hell is there a timer on it? What if someones still in here when it turns off? Ohhh, a safe." He said.

Jack hacked a safe that was under a table and got 3 enzyme samples. Roach came into the room with him.

"(Cough Cough) God, I'm starting to miss the bees." He said.

"Don't worry, we've already gotten 4 samples. Just 3 more and we're done here." Jack said.

Suddenly, some splicers charged into the room. Roach spun around and gunned one down with his G18. Jack blasted one in the head with his shotgun. Roach kicked another in the groin, then shot him in the head. Jack blasted the last one. Then even more charged in.

"This must be one of those damn endless wave segments. We have to work while fighting them off." Jack said.

"You hold them off, I'll get the spit!" Roach said, running further into the room.

"Make it quick!" Jack said, blasting another splicer.

Roach quickly stopped at the vending machine.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Jack asked before a splicer hit him with a pipe.

"They have a special on EVE hypos!" Roach said.

"Who cares? I already have a dozen of those!" Jack said, freezing a splicer with winter blast.

"And they also have a special on grenades!" Roach continued.

"Grenades!" Jack griped.

Jack shattered the splicer and ran over to the machine, shoving Roach to the ground. Jack purchased several grenades and launched them into the group of splicers, throwing them all over the place like a bunch of Ragdolls. More appeared to take their place.

"Damn, how many people live in this damn-" Jack started.

Jack glanced up and saw that there was only 10 seconds left on the timer. "Oh shit."

He grabbed Roach and blasted a path with his shotgun. He threw Roach into the little alcove and dove in after him. Before the remaining splicers could follow, the timer reached 0 and the smoke disappeared. The splicers were literally covered in bees.

"Hmmm. Let's do it again, but this time, I'm prepared." Jack said.

5 minutes later...

A splicer ran in through the door. He looked to the left to see a shotgun barrel right in his face. Jack blasted his head off and it's corpse landed in the pile of other headless splicers. Roach carefully searched the various beehives in the room for spit samples. Finally, he found the last one needed. Before returning to Jack, he stabbed a couple bees as payback.

"I got the spit!" He said.

Jack blasted another splicer that ran in.

"Good, now we can head for the bar." he said.

The duo left the accursed apiary and went in the direction of the winery in the glass tube. Upon entering it, there were some masquerade masks sitting on the floor.

"I don't know what the deal is with the people's obsession with masks. Almost every splicer I've seen wears one. There was a big masquerade ball at the time this whole riot broke out boyo." Atlas said.

"They look retarded in them. I mean, they're nowhere as scary as those frigging huge guys in the _Manhunt_ games." Jack said.

"Here comes Peter Cotton tail!" Roach sang, wearing a bunny mask.

"Shut up." Jack said, ripping it off.

"Puurrrrrfect." Roach said, donning a cat mask.

"I said cut it out." Jack said, ripping it off.

"I tot I taw a putty cat." Roach said, in a bird mask.

"I said- wait a minute. You gave me an idea." Jack said.

"A putty cat?" Roach asked.

"No you fucking retard! We can disguise ourselves as splicers! Then, maybe we won't get attacked as much." Jack said.

"What a super terrific idea!" Roach said, goofy.

Jack put on a puppy mask and the duo went around the corner into the winery.

"I think it's working! The camera's going to pass us by!" Roach said.

Unfortunately, the camera stopped on them and triggered an alarm. As if that weren't enough, a turret in the corner also opened fire. Jack rolled along the floor and blasted the turret to death with his pistol. Roach fired his G18 at the responding security bots, but the bullets didn't seem to phase them. One of the bots rammed right into Roach's groin, causing him to fall over in pain. Jack spray painted over the camera's lens. Then, in an amazing feat that was not available in the game, Jack tossed his wrench, which spun around like a boomerang and slashed the security bots in 2 before returning to Jack's hand.

"So much for espionage gameplay." Jack said as he threw his mask off.

"I still think I taw a putty cat." Roach said.

Jack ripped the mask off Roach's face. He went behind the bar counter and grabbed some red wine. As he drank it, he found an audio diary.

"We have successfully implanted sea snails into little girls stomachs. Now, as they consume blood, the snails produce ADAM. ADAM comes out as vomit. I know is dirty business, but better than journalist. Parents upset over losing little girls, but I give them something to help forget. Now, If only I can do something about ADAM stains on floor." It said.

Jack found and hacked another safe that was under the security camera. It had 2 bottles of distilled water, some alcohol, and some cash. Jack stuck the money in his sock. Then he took a swig of the Alcohol and immediately spit it out.

"Petuooee! This is fucking medical alcohol! Why is this in a bar?" He questioned.

"Maybe in case someone wouldn't leave?" Roach suggested.

"Whatever, lets head down to the cellar." Jack said.

They located a downward staircase and descended it. At the bottom, Jack saw something glowing yellow on a far beam. Using his telekinesis, he grabbed it. It was another bottle of distilled water.

"This game must use the same affects that the _Call of Duty_ series uses to highlight it's key items." He said.

"It sure does. They're called 'waypoints'." Roach added.

"Whatever, lets move." Jack said.

Meanwhile, Somewhere in Arcadia...

The vita chamber opened it's doors. 2 figures fell out of it. They were the splicers whom Alcatraz killed.

"Damn it. When did they start making new big daddies?" The bunny masked one asked.

"You got me, Floogal. Whenever they did, I wish we were watching the telly." The cat masked one said.

"What are we gonna do now, Blotch? We ain't got no weapons." Floogal said.

"Ya got any dough on ya?" Blotch asked.

"Nope, I spent it all on buying out those sentry guns." Floogal said.

"Damn, I'm broke too. We could have bought some new guns." Blotch said.

"We need some cash fast." Floogal said.

"I got it! My grand daddy's tomb is around here somewhere. I heard he was buried with his life savings!" Blotch said.

"Isn't it kinda wrong to steal from the dead?" Floogal asked.

"Who cares? The Egyptians did it all the time. Besides, what good will that money do him in hell?" Blotch asked.

"Your right. But what if somebody already looted it?" Floogal asked.

"Ahhh whos smart enough to break into a tomb? You can only get in by lighting the 2 torches." Blotch asked.

"Then how are we gonna get in?" Floogal asked.

"Good point. We're gonna need someone who knows incinerate." Blotch said.

"It's a shame we didn't harvest that one guy. We might have been able to buy one ourselves." Floogal said.

"I would have if ya didn't start clobbering me!" Blotch yelled.

"I wouldn't have clobbered you if you would have shared!" Floogal yelled.

"Lets forget it! We can kill each other after we find some guns." Blotch said, walking away.

"I hope this green gas isn't poisonous." Floogal said, walking after him.

Back in Farmer's market...

Jack stood in front of a power to the people machine. He couldn't decide which awesome gun upgrade to get.

"Shotgun damage increase is most favorable, but the Grenade launcher damage immunity sounds like fun." Jack thought.

"Can you hurry it up? My MP3 is almost out of power." Roach said.

Without even looking, Jack aimed his pistol at Roach and shot his MP3 player.

"Ahh screw it. I'm choosing the shotgun increase." Jack said.

He selected the damage increase. His shotgun now had 3 little gas tanks on the side that increase bullet velocity.

"Lets see them magic guys survive a blast from this!" Jack yelled.

Jack swung around and accidentally shot Roach, putting him in "Incapacitated status".

"Hey! I know I tend to accidentally shoot my friendlies, but could you be a little more careful?" Roach asked.

Jack "Revived" Roach and they moved deeper into the cellar. After blasting a camera, Jack almost had all the distilled water he needed.

"Alright, we just need one more bottle of the stuff." Jack said.

"Maybe there's some in that shanty shack." Roach said.

Roach pointed to a shack that sat on a mysteriously present pond of water. Jack and Roach wandered over to it and were startled to see an American soldier in a black uniform passed out on the floor.

"Holy cripes! A yank!" Roach said.

"Hell yeah, USA! He can fight way better than you can!" Jack said.

"Hey, I can fight reasonably well too!" Roach said.

"Oh yeah? See that Rosie over there?" Jack asked, pointing at a lonely Rosie.

"Yeah." Roach said.

"Take her out and I might reconsider." Jack said.

"No sweat!" Roach said, calmly strolling over to her. "Hey bitch! Prepare to meet your doom!"

Jack watched in delight as Roach ran off to find cover after taking several rivets to the chest with the Rosie in hot pursuit. Jack looked towards the shack and went inside. He saw a tonic sitting by the bed, which was the photographer's eye upgrade. After taking it, several trap bolts shot out from the wall and pinned to the opposite wall, squeezing Jack into a very small space. Being careful not to set any of them off, Jack spotted a pair of wire cutters on a far shelf.

Carefully equipping his wrench, he maneuvered his arm through the trap bolt wire. The idea was to grab the wire cutters with the wrench, but he couldn't reach it. Frustrated, Jack pulled his arm back then slowly maneuvered his torso in-between the wires. He was still unable to reach it. Jack managed to maneuver one of his legs through the wires as well. Technically, he was free, but he snatched the wire cutters with his wrench anyway, slipped back into the barrier and cut them.

Now that he was Free, Jack turned his attention to the U.S soldier. He stood over the soldier and crouched down to get a closer look. Jack smacked his face a couple times, with no avail. Then, he pulled out his pistol and held it near the soldier's ear. He shot it, hoping the bang would wake the soldier up, but the soldier still slept.

"HHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY!" Jack yelled as loud as he could.

The soldier didn't even stir. Remembering that one episode of _MADTV_, Jack reached into his vest and pulled out some firecrackers. He set them in the soldier's hands an mouth. Then he quickly lit the fuse and ran out of the shack. The firecrackers popped and cracked. Jack ran back inside to see the soldier...was still sleeping. Angry, Jack slung the soldier over his should and carried him outside. There, Jack plopped sleeping beauty into the small pond by the shack, face down.

The soldier still did not wake, but Jack had intended on that. He equipped Electro Bolt and zapped the water. The soldier shook violently and screamed. After the effect faded, the soldier got up and out of the water.

"Don't taze me bro!" The soldier muttered.

"Hi, I'm Jack." Jack said, with his hand held out.

"AAAHHH! Another freak!" The soldier yelled.

The soldier aimed the weird thing on his wrist and Jack and released some sort of Shockwave that hurled Jack back into one of the beam holding the cellar up. The soldier yelped and ran over to Jack's side.

"Sorry, I thought you were one of those psychological Trick or Treaters." the soldier said.

"They're called splicers you bimp." Jack said.

The beam Jack slammed against collapsed and the boards above it fell down on him. The soldier pulled them off.

"Anyway, I'm Nathianel Renko. U.S special forces." The soldier said.

"Yeah. I'm Jack." Jack said, getting up. "Whats that strange thing on your arm?"

"Oh, this is the time manipulation device. It can age or regress anything. Watch." Renko said.

Renko pointed the TMD at the ceiling above Jack and shot blue tendrils at it. The wood rotted and they crashed down onto Jack.

"Whoops. Sorry." Renko said.

Jack threw them off with his telekinesis Plasmid.

"Wow. Are you like a psychic?" Renko asked.

"No, these are from this weird shit called plasmids that I inject in my arm." Jack said.

"Riiiiigggghhhhhtttt. So why are you here?" Renko asked.

"My plane crashed and I'm now helping this corny Irish guy kill this freak named Andrew Ryan. But in order to get to him, I need one more bottle of Distilled water." Jack said.

"I know where I can find some of that!" Renko said.

"Where?" Jack asked.

"There." Renko said, pointing at the pond.

"Thats dirty water." Jack said.

Renko shot orange tendrils at the water and the murkiness disappeared, turning the water crystal clear.

"Not 2 years ago." Renko said.

"Sweet!" Jack said.

Jack grabbed a bottle of liquor he was carrying and dumped it out. He filled it with the clean water from the pond.

"Now I can get out of here." Jack said.

"As my duty as a U.S soldier, I must protect all U.S citizens. Therefore, I shall follow you." Renko said.

"Sweet, your way cooler than Roach." Jack said.

"Who's Roach?" Renko asked.

Roach stumbled up to the pair, G18 drawn, all bruised up and filled with Rivets.

"There, I killed it." He said.

"AAAAAHHHH! ZOMBIE!" Renko yelled.

Renko shot Roach in the shoulder with his Centurion Revolver.

"Owwww. Whens the last time you heard a zombie talk?" Roach asked.

Renko shot him again.

"It's alright, hes Roach." Jack said.

"What kind of special forces are you associated with?" Renko asked.

Roach stood there dumbfounded.

"He means what's the name of your team." Jack said.

"Oh, Task Force 141." Roach said.

"TF141? Pfffftttt. Those guys are complete pansies. It took them an hour to rescue a kitten from a tree." Renko said.

"Hey, that damn cat was stubborn as my Aunt Greg!" Roach said.

"Aunt Greg?" Jack asked.

"There's only enough room in this story for one support character from another game and that's me!" Roach said.

"Oh yeah? Then what about _Echo Fright_?" Renko debated.

"Echo what?" Roach asked.

"He's right Roach. The more support characters there are, the more smart-ass comments and retarded arguments there are." Jack said.

"Then why couldn't they put someone funny in? Like Matt Hazard?" Roach asked.

"Just shut up, we're almost finished with the chapter." Jack said.

Jack and the boys went back up to the floor in-between the bar and cellar. It contained a U-invent machine, which Jack hacked, then used.

"6 items? I thought it was seven items!" Jack yelled.

"When you hack the machine, it reduces the number of components." Atlas said.

"Then why did I waste so much time collecting seven of each?" Jack demanded.

"Because I assumed you wouldn't know how to hack." Atlas said.

"You stupid Irish hobo! I could have ended this chapter 3 pages ago!" Jack yelled.

"It'll be 17 pages longer if you don't shut up and make the vector, boyo!" Atlas yelled.

"I'll do it when I'm good and ready." Jack said.

After saying that, Jack mixed the vector.

"Good, now head on back to Arcadia, boyo." Atlas said.

"I'll do it when I'm damn ready!" Jack said.

Immediately after saying that, Jack grabbed the boys and sprinted back to the entrance of Arcadia.

To be continued...

**Thank god, this chapter was shorter than the last one. I'll see you turkeys on the next chapter, Half Life 2 Episode 2 is calling me. See ya SLACKERS!**


	9. Time to Photosynthesize?

Chapter 9:Time to...Photosynthesize?

All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner.

Roach tripped over the bottom of the bulkhead leading back into Arcadia. Jack and Renko stepped over him.

"Woo, that was quick." Renko said.

"Yeah, I spliced speed boost into my blood." Jack said.

"Hey! We were here before!" Roach said dumbly. "Theres that safe! And theres that machine!"

Jack took his wrench and clamped it on Roach's nose and twisted it.

"You said we're heading to a lab?" Renko asked.

"Yeah, belongs to some crazy botanist." Jack said.

"Botanist? Maybe it's Fifi from _Fifi and the Flower tots_!" Renko said.

"Nahh, they're right over there." Jack said, pointing to a bunch of dead flower people.

The gang started heading back to the labs, briefly stopping in front of the metro.

"(cough) (cough) Damn, what the fuck is this fucking green stuff?" Renko said.

"Magic pixie dust, scattered all about by Tinkerbell and her Fairy friends." Jack said.

"Really?" Renko asked.

"NO! It's herbicide retard!" Jack yelled.

"Hey guys, I found some lunch!" Roach said.

Roach came out from behind a tree, holding a dead toucan in a blue sweater vest.

"It has been awhile since I've eaten." Renko said, licking his lips.

"Swell! I'll just start a fire!" Roach said.

"No time, lets do it the quick way." Jack said.

Jack whipped out his chemo thrower and shot a stream of fire at the bird. It emerged from the flame completely void of feathers. Jack grabbed one of it's legs and ripped it off, taking a bit out of it.

"This is how you make fast food." Jack said with his mouth full.

"Now if only we had some gravy." Renko said, staring at the bird in hunger.

"Not to worry, I keep a jar of it on hand for emergencies." Roach said, reaching into his pouch and pulling it out.

The boys walked down the glass tube towards the lab. Roach poured some gravy on the dead bird.

"I'll have a wing." Renko said.

"Sure thing." Roach said, cutting off one of it's wings with his backup knife.

Renko and Roach started feasting on the bird when they reached the laboratories. Jack stopped at the El Ammo Bandito to stock up on munitions and bought some health kits at the circus of values. The he made some explosive buck at the U-invent. Roach and Renko licked the bird's bones clean before discarding them. The boys went back up to Langford's office, where Renko was surprised to see Langford's corpse.

"Hello Fifi.. rawr." He said.

"Back off buddy, I saw her first!" Roach said.

"Will you guys knock it off? We still have work to do." Jack said.

Jack inserted the vial of Vector into the machinery near the window overlooking the trees. It started circulating them.

"I still got first dibs on the bitch." Roach said.

"It's gonna take awhile before the Vector is ready, boyo. You might wanna head back to the lab and set some traps." Atlas said.

"Why not set them here?" Jack asked.

"Because...I don't know, just go back to the lab." Atlas said.

"Alright." Jack said.

"You guys go on. I'll stay here and protect the machinery." Renko said.

"No! He wants her all to himself!" Roach yelled.

"Relax Roach, there are probably hundreds of dead bitches in the city to go around." Jack said.

"I suppose your right." Roach said.

Roach and Jack went downstairs to the labs. Renko faced the dead bitch and unzipped his pants.

"Alright, these explosive barrels and oil slicks will be a good start. Move this in front of-" Jack started.

"Hey look! My buddies are cutting through those doors!" Roach said.

Jack looked to the side and saw a shutter door with sparks shooting out of it's side. The sparks were moving in a circular pattern. Roach ran over to it.

"Hey guys! I'm in here! I knew you wouldn't leave me Captain-" Roach started before the shutter was pushed onto him.

2 Splicers emerged from the corridor behind the door. Jack blasted them with his shotgun. Then he shoved the door off Roach.

"That Captain of mine always does stuff like that." Roach said.

"Boyo! There cutting in through the other door!" Atlas said.

Jack ran back to the other lab and saw another shutter door being cut through. Roach put a banana peel in front of it.

"You seriously think that's gonna work?" Jack asked.

"It did in _Hot shots_." Roach said.

The door slammed on top of the peel and 2 strange guys with blue lightsabers came out. One had long brown hair with a black tunic and the other had a short brown beard with a tan tunic.

"This isn't the Trade Federation ship." The one in black said.

"I knew I shouldn't have listened to you, Anakin." The one in tan said.

"Obi-wan, I was just taking a shortcut." Anakin said.

"Look! Human mercenaries!" Obi-wan yelled, pointing at Jack and Roach.

Jack shot a couple pistol bullets at them, which the Jedi deflected.

"Mere bullets are not enough to kill a Jedi." Obi-wan said.

Jack switched to his Grenade launcher and pegged a grenade at the floor under them. After the smoke from the explosion cleared, the only thing left of the Jedi were their skeletons.

"Looks like more on their way boyo. Better seal the entrance." Atlas said.

"How the fuck am I supposed to do that?" Jack asked.

"Do I have to tell you everything? Just follow the strange arrow at the top of your screen!" Atlas said.

Meanwhile, near the exit to the smugglers cove...

Floogal and Blotch enlisted the aid of a Houdini splicer known as Pickle. He wore a red surgeon's coat and a bird mask.

"So if I help you get your grand daddy's dough, I get a piece of it?" Pickle asked as they were walking towards the tomb.

"Yeah, we'll give you whatever's left over after we buy some guns." Blotch said.

"I can't believe we haven't seen any Little Sisters. What appened to them all?" Floogal asked.

"I doubt that anyone could harvest that many of them." Blotch said.

"Say Blotch? What appened to that guy we tried to harvest anyway?" Floogal asked.

"The little lamb? I tried to kill him in Neptune's bounty, but he slammed me against the wall and took me shotgun." Blotch said.

"By the way, did you boys happen to catch that episode of Rapture's next top Splicer? I missed it last night." Pickle asked.

"Oh Shit!" Blotch said.

The tomb's torches were both lit already and the door was open. Blotch rushed inside with Pickle and Floogal in tow. Blotch cradled the body of his decapitated grand father.

"Not only did they steal me fortune, they also desecrated the remains!" He said.

"Now how are we gonna get some guns?" Floogal asked.

Suddenly, an Alarm sounded.

"Citizens of Rapture, the one responsible for the killing of your trees has holed up in the research labs. Kill him at all costs." Ryan said over the intercom.

"You ear that? Sounds like theres going to be a fight." Floogal said.

"And where theres fights, theres death. And where theres death, theres dropped guns!" Blotch said.

"Lets get over there before all the good ones get taken!" Floogal said.

Blotch dropped his grandfather's body and he and Floogal took off.

"Hey wait! You still didn't pay me!" Pickle said, running after them.

Back in the research labs...

A large shutter door closed on the exit from the research labs, triggered by the switch by the desk.

"Boyo, I've sent you some supplies. Check the nearby Pneumo tube." Atlas said.

"Hold on one fucking minute. I thought you said you couldn't send me supplies." Jack asked.

"I said I couldn't rewind time to restore your ammo. I didn't say I could use a pneumo tube." Atlas said.

"Oh." Jack said.

Jack went to the pneumo tube and opened it's hatch. Inside was several proximity mines, 25 dollars, and an Auto hack tool.

"This is it?" Jack whined.

"For your information boyo, it took me half an hour to accumulate that supplies!" Atlas said.

"I was hoping you would send me dual sawn-off shotguns... Wait, nevermind. I'm not gonna argue with you, this shit will have to do." Jack said.

Jack took the gear and ran back into the previous room. Suddenly, a lightsaber swung by his face that barely cut off his nose. Jack looked to the left and saw Roach wielding the fallen Jedi's lightsabers.

"What the fuck do you think your doing?" Jack asked.

"I am the new lord of the Sith!" Roach said in a dark tone.

"Your the lord of the dumb asses if thats what you mean!" Jack said.

Roach swirled the lightsabers right into his legs, which were sliced right off by the plasma (which is most likely what lightsabers are made of) and he fell to the ground. The lightsabers were thrown up into the air and landed on Roach's arm's slicing them off too.

"Okay, we have at least 30 seconds before the next attack, so we have to get ready. Place that fuel barrel in front of that door." Jack said.

"Okaie dokey." Roach said.

Roach wiggled around like a worm and slowly made his way to the fuel barrel. Jack went back to the entrance of the lab and shot a proximity mine in front of the door. Then he placed one in the hallway leading to the lab. Roach reached the barrel and kept pushing it with his head until it rolled over to the door that was cut through. New arms and legs shot into his sockets that were empty, fully clothed.

"I wonder how Renko's doing?" Jack wondered aloud.

Renko came out of the door leading to Langford's office.

"Hey guys, that was no lady!" He said, shocked.

"Ugggghhh. I almost made out with a transexual?" Roach asked disgusted.

"Yeah, it turns out, she, well he, had plastic surgery but was too cheap to buy a sex change." Renko said.

Meanwhile, outside the entrance to the lab...

Floogal, Blotch, and Pickle arrived at the now sealed laboratory.

"Awesome mates! We're the first ones here!" Floogal said, delighted.

"Now we just have to find a way past this door." Blotch said.

"Not to worry, I can use me magic to weld through this door." Pickle said.

Pickle pressed his finger against the door and released extreme heat on the tip of it. Sparks flew off of the door. Pickle moved it upwards, cutting through the door.

Back in the lab...

A corpse of a dead splicer smashed through a window into the other lab. He was blown their by the explosive barrel by the cut open door.

"Hang in there Boyo. More of em are on their way." Atlas said.

"Thanks for the info, captain obvious." Jack said.

"My TMD will make short work of these trick or treaters." Renko said.

2 more splicers ran in from the other breached door. Renko equipped his Seeker rifle. It looked like an ordinary rifle. However, it's bullets were enhanced with a rare mineral known as E99. Modifications to the rifle allowed the user to control the trajectory of the bullets. Renko fired a bullet and guided it towards one of the splicers. The splicer narrowly dodged it by moving his head, but the bullet swung around like a car and flew right into the back of the splicer's skull, exploding it.

Roach charged the other splicer with one of the lightsabers. The splicer tried to block with her iron pipe, but Roach's plasma saber cut right through it and sliced her in half. Another splicer ran in through the first breached door. Renko released orange tendrils at the splicer from his TMD. The splicer screamed in pain and crumbled into dust.

Back outside the entrance..

"How long can it take to cut through a flimsy door?" Blotch asked impatiently.

"Hang on, I almost got it." Pickle said.

Pickle finally cut a large door outline through the door. Once his finger reached the bottom, the door fell down.

"Finally, now lets get us some weapons!" Blotch said.

The boys cheered as they charged through the door, right into the proximity mine Jack laid. The mine's explosion hurled them all the way down the glass tune and slammed into the glass. They peeled off and hit the floor hard, dead. But not to worry, they had their DNA backed up at the vita chambers. After all, what good is a parody without a silly side story?

"How long is that damn vector gonna take?" Atlas asked.

A houdini splicer jumped into the lab. He threw a fire ball at Jack, who caught it with Telekinesis. Jack then hurled it back at the splicer, throwing him back into the water where the vendors were. Roach stood against another splicer who was wielding a pistol. Roach held his lightsaber above him, preparing to strike. The splicer fired a bullet at the saber's handle and it flew from Roach's grasp. Just as the houdini splicer was about to get up, the saber landed in the water and it's high tech batteries electrocuted him to death.

The splicer with the pistol laughed at his comrade's demise. Roach took this opportunity to shove a flashbang grenade in the splicer's open mouth. He pull the pin out of it and shoved the splicer down. It's head exploded. A spider splicer crawled in on the ceiling and dropped down in front of Roach. He pulled out his Kukri knife (which was a knife that was slightly bent forward).

The splicer swung down both it's scythes on Roach, who held them away from him with his knife. Roach fell back on the ground and rolled backwards, throwing the splicer through the breached door and landing hard on a table, smashing a cure for AIDS. Roach ran over to the splicer with his knife raised. The spider splicer quickly recovered and threw one of her scythes. The scythe snatched Roach's knife and pinned it to the wall.

Roach knew he needed to act fast. As the splicer slowly walked towards him, he grabbed a nearby bottle of Kaboom and rapidly pulled it's trigger, spraying fluid in the spider splicer's eyes.

"Arrggghh. My eyes!" She cried.

Roach sprayed some more fluid into her open mouth. The spider splicer screamed in pain. Roach sprayed some more fluid into the splicer's ears and nose. The splicer fell to the floor in agony. Roach saw a strangely misplaced antique vase on the table. He grabbed it and smashed it over the splicer's head. Then he stuck another flashbang in her mouth and pulled the trigger, you know what happened next.

Jack drank a bottle of wine as he easily shot 2 more splicers with his pistol. More than 20 bodies littered the floor. Renko drank a blue slush drink as he looked at his watch. They'd been fighting for over an hour.

"The vectors done! Throw the switch boyo!" Atlas yelled.

Jack casually walked back to Langford's office. When he got there, he saw Langford's corpse, on the table, which is probably where Renko was going to rape her. Jack ignored it and went to the control panel. He pulled the yellow glowing switch on it. He looked out the window and saw that the trees began to grow new leaves. Slowly, the leaves grew large and green. Roach and Renko came up to join him. The green gas began to dissipate and was completely gone after several seconds. Peaceful music began to play.

"Oh Cortez." A voice said.

The boys looked to their right and saw a woman with short orange hair wearing light green clothing.

"Your my hero.." She said.

In case you don't know, shes Anya from _Timesplitters Future perfect_, reenacting the ending from it. Roach grabbed her around the waist and tried to kiss her. Anya slapped him and took off running.

"Biohazard clear. Lockdown lifted." The loudspeaker said.

"I still can't believe a fucking tree farm has a fucking biohazard sensor." Jack said.

"The way to the metro is open boyo. Better get moving." Atlas said.

"Metro? Where all the homeless people sleep?" Renko asked.

"Not that kind of metro." Jack said.

Andrew Ryan's tune played on Jack's radio.

"Why are you so resistant when it comes to separating man from his soul?" Ryan asked.

"Oh god, here we go.." Jack muttered.

"My city is a utopia for peace! And you are destroying it with every step you take. Therefore..." Ryan continued.

Jack mocked Ryan as he spoke. Renko and Roach laughed.

"...And to see such beauty be urinated on by vagrants like you is an atrocity that which you could not do even if you were someone even worse than you who looks like you but does worse things than you." Ryan blabbered on.

Jack turned off his radio as he and the others left the lab.

"When someone such as myself is disgusted by someone such as you, someone such as myself will do something so terrible it may seem as if it were done by someone such as you." Ryan talked into the dead line.

The boys reached The rolling hills, where the Metro was. Flowers bloomed everywhere and a deer feasted on the green grass. A bunny hopped across the grass as a butterfly fluttered about. Then several splicers pounced on the deer and began savagely eating it. Another splicer chased after the bunny, holding a knife in the air. Another splicer snatched the butterfly out of the air and shoved it in his mouth. Yet another splicer poured some alcohol on the flowers and set them ablaze.

The boys, using this weird distraction, sneaked into the metro and sealed the door. Jack turned around and was shocked to see the metro filled with men in cheap brown clothing, using newspapers as blankets and sleeping on the benches.

"Okay, it is that kind of metro." Jack said.

"Your next stop is Fort Frolic, only there is where you can reach Rapture central control." Atlas said.

The boys slowly and carefully stepped around the hordes of sleeping bums. Renko saw an Audio diary that was being used as a pillow by one of them. Carefully, he replaced it with an Empty EVE hypo.

"My city is like a chain. And what do chains do? They pull shit. For our city to function, we must all pull in the same direction. If some of the retarded ones pull in the opposite direction, I'll send them to be converted into big daddies. What else does this chain do? It also powers my TV. So if they don't pull in the right direction, I can't watch _All my Children_. There is no way I'm paying 50 bucks for my TV power. To inspire my people to pull more, I'll have some guards whip them until they pass out of exhaustion. Then we'll throw them in the incinerator to save some wood. I am brilliant." It said.

The boys maneuvered around the bums until they all got inside the Bathysphere. Jack pulled the lever and selected Fort Frolic as his destination. The glass door closed and the sphere began to descend. Jack sat down on the bench with Renko and Roach.

"How about a song to pass the time?" Roach suggested.

"No." Jack and Renko said simultaneously.

"_Get ready, to wiggle_.." Roach began.

Jack socked Roach in the jaw and held him in front of himself. Renko donned a pair of Boxing gloves and punched Roach in the gut. Then he threw him one across the jaw. I'm sure I'll get some reviews for this, my fans love it when Roach is abused.

Meanwhile, In Hephaestus...

Darius was still chained to the pillar. He couldn't feel his arms, his feet felt numb, and his throat was sore from all the yelling for help.

"S.A.M?" Darius asked.

"Yes Darius?" S.A.M asked.

"I have to take a piss." Darius said weakly.

"Entering sleep mode." S.A.M said.

"Whatever." Darius said as a large dark spot grew on the front of his pants.

To be continued...

**Jeez, this chapter was as long as **_**Killswitch**_**. Sadly, the next chapter will be another giga-chapter. Oh well, at least I'll get to pick on Cohen. I've got news for you, I've downloaded a free game designer software and once I purchase Milkshape, I may start on my own video games! Of course, this leaves less time for writing, but I will not neglect this. Check back on my profile in, lets see, a year or so and you may see information on my game! If I ever make one, that is. So start checking you SLACKERS!**


	10. Abstract Objectives

Chapter 10:Abstract objectives

Any copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner.

**Guess what? I've started playing some of my old PS2 games without using a codebreaker. In case you don't know, a codebreaker is a cheat code device that gives you shit like invincibility and unlimited ammo. Recently, I've gotten through Red Faction 2, The suffering, and Freedom Fighters, a game I refused to play until I got the cheat codes to work. I easily got through these games because I was already familiar with the controls when I played them with cheat codes. You know something? The codebreaker is kinda like a diaper. You wear it for awhile to get used to things, then ditch it when you don't need it anymore. Unless your like me and like to draw pictures of diapered Digimon. Whoa, I hope no one burns me for that. Oh well, on to the story!**

The Rapture Metro Bathysphere rose into the dock of Fort Frolic. The hatch on it opened, revealing the guys, dancing. Jack was playing "Awake and Alive" by Skillet on his radio. Roach had a black eye and a bruised face.

"Boyo, Boyo, BOYO!" Atlas yelled over the radio.

"WHAT?" Jack yelled back.

"Will you turn that damn music off?" Atlas asked.

"What?" Jack asked.

"I said, will you turn the damn music-" Atlas started.

"What?" Jack asked.

"TURN THE FUCKING MUSIC OFF!" Atlas yelled.

Jack switched off his music.

"What's your deal?" Jack asked.

"I just wanted to warn you to watch out for some psycho named Sander Cohen. The other splicers look like clowns compared to him boyo." Atlas said.

"Are you kidding? Clowns are way worse than psychos! Have you ever seen _The Brave little toaster_?" Jack asked.

"Aggghhhh! Don't even go there boyo! I still have nightmares about that thing!" Atlas said.

"When the hell did you see it?" Jack asked.

"The batteries for my TV's remote died right as I stopped on it on the Disney channel. But that's besides the point. Cohen's a real sick fucktard. Avoid him if you can." Atlas said.

"I can't make that promise." Jack said in a low voice.

"Whatever, boyo. Just get to the rapture metro." Atlas said.

"But we are at the Rapture Metro." Jack said.

"Yes, but theres another one just ahead of you that will take you to Hephaestus, boyo." Atlas said.

"Why can't this one take us to Hephaestus?" Jack asked.

"Again with the bloody questions!" Atlas whined.

"But if I don't ask questions, I won't learn anything." Jack said.

"What do you think this is? _Summoner_? This ain't no fucking RPG! Now get to the metro!" Atlas yelled.

"Okay, Okay. No need to go on a drunken rampage." Jack said.

"And stop it with the Irish stereotypes!" Atlas said.

"That is something I cannot do." Jack said.

Jack and his boys left the metro chamber. The entered a room with a checkered floor, a fortune teller machine on the right, several slot machines on the left, 2 alcoves further up that held a gene bank, U-invent, and health station, and a bulkhead directly across from them.

"Slot machines! I love these things!" Roach said.

Roach went up to one and reached in his pockets.

"You guys have a dime?" He asked.

"Sorry, I have better things to do with my money." Jack said.

"Does E99 tech count?" Renko asked.

"Worth a shot." Roach said.

Renko handed Roach a tiny silver disk with an orange light in the middle. Roach tried to fit it into the coin slot on the machine.

"Stupid machine. Why can't it accept foreign currency?" Roach complained.

"Here, let me try and flatten it." Renko said.

Renko took the disk back and dropped it on the floor. He stomped hard on it and rubbed it along the floor. He picked it up and handed it to Roach again. It still wouldn't fit. Jack lit a cigarette while leaning on the wall.

"I know! I'll reshape it into the right size!" Roach said.

Roach set the disk on the ground and used Jack's incinerate plasmid to heat it up. The he used the grip of his pistol to bang on it until it became flat. Knowing it was finished, he tried to pick it up, only burning his hand. Renko used his TMD to speed up the cooling process so Roach could pick it up. Roach was then able to insert it into the slot.

"Like your gonna win anything." Jack said.

Roach pulled the handle on the machine and it got triple 7s. Jack's jaw almost dropped. Roach held up the 100 dollar bills he got.

"I'm rich! I'm rich!" Roach said.

"Say, you mind if I have some of that?" Jack asked.

"Ohhh no! Your not getting any of my dough!" Roach said.

Roach turned around, which was the perfect opportunity for Jack to whack him over the head with his wrench and take the money, which is exactly what he did. After doing so, Roach got up off the floor.

"Hey? Wheres my money?" Roach asked.

"What money?" Jack asked.

"Damn! It was just a dream!" Roach cursed.

Jack went up to the fortune teller machine, which had a swami in it.

"This better not be a rip off." He said.

Jack put a dollar in the slot.

"Thou who helps thou is not who thou thinks." It said.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Jack cursed.

"Don't listen to him Boyo! He's lying!" Atlas said.

"I don't even understand it!" Jack said.

"Ohhh...Sorry, boyo. Just didn't want ya to get the wrong idea." Atlas said.

"Of what?" Jack asked.

"(crinkle) Your breaking up boyo! (crinkle) I'll call you later." Atlas said.

"The reception in this city is worse than T-mobile." Jack said.

Jack put another dollar into the machine.

"Thou shalt see both outcomes in extras section." The machine said.

"Alright, I've had it!" Jack yelled.

Jack bashed the swami on the head with his wrench. It's eye popped out. He bashed it again and crushed it's head. Bashing it over and over again, the swami was completely unrecognizable. Jack shoved the machine over, where all it's parts spilled out on the floor.

"If this were _Metal Arms_, that would be a gory scene." Renko said.

Meanwhile, in Poseidon plaza...

A vita chamber in the corner of the plaza lit up. 3 figures appeared inside, jammed ridiculously close together. The Chamber's doors opened, and the figures spilled out onto the floor like a dead body falling out of a locker. They were none other than the 3 splicers, Blotch, Floogal, and Pickle.

"Ohhh, my head hurts..." Floogal said.

"What just happened?" Pickle asked.

"I can't remember. All I know is we were trying to get some guns." Blotch said.

"It don't look like we're in Kansas no more." Pickle said.

"But we never were in Kansas." Floogal said.

Blotch slapped Floogal across the face.

"That was a figure of speech, numbskull! He means we're not in Arcadia anymore!" Blotch yelled.

"I recognize this place. I came here for me Christmas holiday. It's Fort Frolic." Pickle said.

"OH NO!" Floogal squealed.

"What are you squealing like a piggy for?" Pickle asked.

"This is where we got killed by that new big daddy!" Floogal said.

"A new big daddy? I thought they wouldn't make any of those until _Bioshock 2_." Pickle said.

"He's right. There was this strange new Big daddy. Skinniest one we've ever seen. We couldn't put a dent in him with our weapons. And hes quicker than light." Blotch said.

"Ha! No abomination can withstand my magic!" Pickle bragged.

"Lets hope he ain't magic-proof. First, we still got to get some weapons." Blotch said.

"Hey! Lookee here!" Floogal said.

The other two looked at where Floogal was pointing at and saw a sign.

"Pharaoh's fortune? There ain't no Mummies around here." Pickle said.

"It's just a name! And Fortune happens to mean money!" Blotch said.

The boys walked inside the front door. There were at least 12 slot machines on the first floor alone. To the right was the counter and a register.

"Crikey! We can win some more money with these contraptions!" Floogal said.

"But we ain't got any money to bet." Pickle said.

"Oh yes we do." Blotch said.

Blotch leaped over to the other side of the counter and searched the register. He found some money in it.

"15 dollars. Thats 5 each. Both of you, get on those machines and start gambling. If ye hit a Jackpot, share 50 bucks with us." Blotch said, handing them money.

Back in the entrance...

Jack used some leftover Enzyme samples to make and equip the Bloodlust tonic at the nearby U-invent.

"I need to test this out." He said.

"But we don't have any mice." Roach said.

Jack swatted Roach in the face with his wrench and was satisfied to see that his health regenerated a little.

"I don't know how they do it, but It's cool." Jack said.

"I can't believe the exit's right there. This is the shortest level in the game." Renko said.

"I doubt it will be as easy as that. It's DOQ." Jack said.

"Whats that stand for?" Roach asked.

"Drawn out Quests. They use it all the time to prolong the game and milk as much fun as possible. Trust me, that door ain't budging." Jack said.

Renko leaned on the door and fell into the metro as it opened.

"Hey look! The doors unlocked!" Roach said.

"I still think it's a fraud. The sphere might require maintenance or the power is out." Jack said.

"Woo Hoo! Lets ride the underwater elevator out of here!" Renko said happily.

Renko sprinted towards the Bathysphere and leaped to it, and slammed right into it's glass door right after it closed. He fell back on the floor as Jack and Roach watched the Sphere submerge without them.

"SEE! I told you!" Jack hissed.

"Well. Look at the little moths that flew into my bug lantern." Some weird gay guy said over the radio.

"Egghhh. Who the hell is that?" Roach asked.

"That must be Cohen boyo. Watch yourself." Atlas said.

Seeing that there was nothing else to do in the metro (Besides drowning themselves in the pit), the team went back into the lobby. First off, the whole place was dark, second, there were at least 15 trip wires in front of them and to their left.

"This is a pickle." Roach said.

"Not really." Renko said.

Renko fired an Orange shockwave out from his TMD, which blew the tripwires off their anchors. Then the boys heard some bizarre giggling.

"AAAHHH! It's a Jockey!" Roach squealed.

Jack's eye spotted movement on the ceiling. Using his electro bolt, he zapped the area where it was present. A spider splicer fell to the ground having seizures. Jack walked over to it and bashed the shit out of it with his wrench until it was a mushy mess. A scythe flew out of the darkness and wedged itself into Roach's arm. He groaned like a whiny little bitch.

Another spider splicer dropped down from the ceiling. Renko tried to shoot it with his Centurion, but the splicer did a bunch of flips and other acrobatic shit until he was out of ammo. Then it jumped at Jack, with one of it's scythes raised. Fortunately, Jack equipped his Winter blast plasmid at the gene bank and shot some Icicles at it. It froze in mid air and shattered upon hitting the floor.

Yet another spider splicer jumped down from the ceiling. It swung it's scythe overhead at Jack, who blocked it with his Wrench. Jack grabbed it between the legs and by the neck and lifted it above his head. He threw it at one of the slot machines, which fell right onto it's head after hitting the floor, smashing it. It made a ringing sound and money poured out of it.

"How rude of me to leave you in the cold. Please, come in." Cohen said.

"I'm afraid you'll have to play his little game Boyo. He's the only one who can bring back the bathysphere." Atlas said.

"Yippee." Jack said Sarcastically.

The shutter doors to the left of the Bathysphere station opened. Roach hid behind Jack, grasping his shoulders like that annoying blonde chick from _Resident Evil 4_. The guys cautiously walked up the steps in front of them and entered a small area that had some more closed shutter doors in front of them. The doors they just walked through slammed shut behind them. As they turned around to see, the doors in front of them opened. They strolled out through them.

The guys found themselves in a massive Atrium. A massive staircase lead to the upper floor, and several doorways awaited on the floor they were on. What was really weird was the massive stage that held 4 stone figures in strange positions holding empty frames.

"To help you enjoy your stay, I've blocked the frequencies of that rude Atlas and Andrew Ryan, so you can focus all your attention on my works!" Cohen said.

"Thank god, I thought I'd never be rid of him." Jack muttered.

"Come to the fleet hall theater when you are ready to see my latest performance." Cohen continued.

Before they did, however, they looked around the first floor first. To the right of the staircase was 2 glass cases with locks on them. One held a statue of a lady with a blue tonic while the other held another lady.

"Who needs a corpse when you could make out with one of these statues? If only we could get them open." Roach said.

"No sweat." Jack said.

Jack whacked one of the glass cases with his wrench several times, only scratching the surface.

"What the hell?" Jack said.

Jack pulled out his Machine gun and emptied 20 rounds into the case, which also only scratched it.

"Hmph, it's bullet proof." He said.

Renko pointed his TMD at the case and held that position for an hour.

"Well?" Jack asked.

"Sorry, it must be Time proof too." Renko said.

"Oh well. Maybe we'll find some other way to open them." Jack said.

They went behind the staircase and found a Circus of Values Machine that was under a Security camera. Jack took a couple research photos and maxed out his research category. Then he climbed on top of the machine and hacked it. He climbed down and hacked the machine next. He bought some machine gun rounds and a grenade. He also bought some pep bars due to request by Roach.

After exploring the lower floor, the boys went up the massive staircase (Roach sang that stupid Wiggles song while doing so, Jack shoved him down once). Jack noticed something on the other side of the floor. He looped around and found a Gatherer's Garden with a Circus of Values and El ammo bandito. He purchased an additional Plasmid slot and bought Cyclone trap. There was also an Audio diary on the bandito.

"The nerve of some people! I was stood up again by Andrew Ryan! He dipped his Cigarette in my drink and splashed it all over my 20 dollar dress! That filthy pig! I'm going to break into his office and spray paint "Asshole" on his Wall! Hmph!" It said.

Seeing that they couldn't do anything funny on the second floor, they went to the Fleet Hall theater. The walls and floors were lined with Red carpeting. Around the corner looked like a battlezone. There were destroyed security bots all over the place, littering the snack bar and bullet shells lined the floor. All the display cases were smashed and their contents gone. Jack grabbed the cash register and looked in it.

"Damn! Someone got here before us." He said.

Renko picked up one of the bullet shells and stared hard at it. He moved his tongue across it's surface and slipped it inside of it.

"This wasn't shot by any trick or treater." He said.

"Splicers." Jack corrected.

"Whatever. This bullet is far too modern to be used in any of their guns." Renko said.

"Who cares? It's just a bullet." Jack said.

"Just a bullet! It isn't just a bullet! It's a piece of cylindrical metal!" Renko said.

"Whatever, lets blow." Jack said.

In front of the snack bar was a glass door. To the left was an Elevator and to the right was a staircase. Jack walked up to the glass door and put his hand on it.

"This thing ain't budging." Jack said.

"I'll break it down!" Roach said.

"That ain't going to work." Jack said.

But it was too late, Roach already ran towards the door and slammed his shoulder into it and fell back on the floor from the impact.

"Looks like we're taking the elevator." Renko said.

"Not so fast, I think we should check the stairs first." Jack said.

"Why?" Renko asked.

"Because there might be some items that we'll miss if we take the elevator first. Haven't you played _Ratchet and Clank_?" Jack asked.

"Oh...Right." Renko said.

The boys went into the staircase's room and found a gene bank on the wall. Roach procured a crowbar from out of nowhere and jammed it into the gene bank's slot.

"Let me guess. Your trying to rob the gene bank." Jack guessed.

"Yeah, I'm sure we're not the only ones who use them." Roach said.

"I've never seen anyone else use them." Jack said.

"Then why are they all over the place? It can't just be for us!" Roach questioned.

"Just some more video game logic that doesn't make sense." Jack said.

Roach broke his crowbar trying to open the gene bank. He tossed the other half away and followed the others upstairs (and, you guessed it, sang the stairs song). Upstairs, they found some kind of storage room. It contained a couple of shelves and a U-invent. To the right was a small room that over looked the theater. It had a gate in front of it. Jack grabbed it and tried to move it out of the way.

"Can an Artist not prepare before unveiling his latest creation? Rubbish!" A voice said from inside the room.

"Cohen? That you?" Jack asked.

"Yes, the one and only Sander Fucking Cohen!" Cohen shouted.

"Why'd you call us here?" Jack asked, sticking his head through the bars.

"I want you to go into the theater to witness something remarkable." Cohen said.

"The doors locked." Jack said.

"The elevator! Take the fucking elevator!" Cohen said.

"Oh, okay." Jack said.

Jack pulled his head out of the bars. He turned around and found an Audio diary on the shelf.

"The parasite. He dares insult my music! All he knows about music is how to sell it! Does he not know that music must be polished like a gun? Created like a story? Diapered like a baby? And enforced like a riot squad? NO! He is a mere rat, living in the castle dungeon, chewing through ropes and kidnapping princesses. I am like the brave little mouse whom fights him with a simple needle like a sword. And do not even think of the movie they made for it, it was a monstrosity!" It said.

"You didn't touch my diary, did you?" Cohen asked.

"No." Jack lied.

"Good, a man's secrets are like his Prescription drugs. They are only for himself." Cohen said.

Jack turned around and saw Roach playing the guitar that was laying on the floor.

"_Hey there shaky shaky. Shaking is fun to do. Hey there shaky shaky. I want to shake with you_." Roach sang (Which was another retarded song from _The Wiggles_).

Jack grabbed Roach's guitar and smashed it over his head. They went back downstairs and came in front of the elevator.

"That is one tiny elevator. That midget Machinist guy from _Timesplitters 2_ wouldn't even fit in that." Renko pointed out.

"The logical thing to do is to send one team mate in at a time. If the elevator holds out at least." Roach suggested.

"I have a better idea, it'll net us more laughs." Jack said.

Jack grabbed Renko and Roach by their collars and shoved them into the elevator. Then, he forced himself inside of it, squishing them all together. (Not literally you fucktard). The door to the elevator closed.

"Someone press the button." Jack said.

"I'm not on the same side as the button." Renko said.

"Roach, are you?" Jack asked.

"I think I can reach it from here." Roach said.

Roach moved his hand and reached for what he thought was the button. In reality, it was Jack's face. He stuck his index finger in Jack's ear and pressed on it like it was a button. Then he pressed it up Jack's nose. Then he pressed on Jack's eye.

"It's not working! It must be out of order." Roach said.

Jack bit Roach's index finger, whom screamed and pulled it back. Jack grabbed Roach's head and moved it out of the way. He saw the button behind it. He reached for it, but his arm was too small. Then he equipped his wrench and stuck it at the button, pressing it. The elevator ascended and stopped a second later. The door opened and the guys fell out. They were now in some kind of hallway. Piano music could be heard from behind the far wall.

"This can't be the employee's hall, it's too fancy." Renko said.

"This must be where they keep the popcorn!" Roach squealed happily.

Roach ran though a nearby door and almost fell over the railing of a balcony.

"Balcony? I thought this theater was too bankrupt to afford balconies, with all the fancy carpeting and all." Roach said.

Jack and Renko came out on the balcony as well. There was a man on stage, playing a piano that was strapped with 6 pounds of dynamite!

"Hey, lets make fun of him like on the Smoking gun." Jack suggested.

"That was horrible kyle! Do it again!" Cohen said from his booth.

"You'd be laughed off the stage by Bugs Bunny!" Renko taunted.

"Whenever you play that thing, a composer dies!" Roach taunted.

"DaDaDa Da Da DaDaDa Da Da, No! Wrong!" Cohen said.

"You play like a drug addict on a guitar!" Jack taunted.

"Will you assholes shut the hell up!" Kyle demanded.

Suddenly, a rocket flew out of nowhere and hit the piano. It made a huge explosion and hurled Kyle's corpse right into the balcony the guys were sitting in. A man in a silver suit with black coils and red visor jumped on stage with a Rocket launcher.

"Now thats what I call entertainment!" He yelled.

"Who the hell is that?" Roach asked.

Without warning, the guy in the suit appeared right behind Roach.

"The name's Alcatraz, U.S Marines." He said.

Roach shrieked and jumped into Jack's arms, who then dropped him.

"U.S? Alright! I not the only one left after all!" Renko said.

"Sweet! Another American to kill stuff with! What about you turkeys? You U.S?" Alcatraz asked.

"Yep." Jack said.

"Hell no! I'm British." Roach said.

"Pfffftttt. What unit you part of? Task Force 141?" Alcatraz taunted.

"Why does everyone pick on the Task force?" Roach asked.

"Because they're a bunch of pussies." Alcatraz said.

"Are not!" Roach said.

"AAHH! A mouse!" Alcatraz yelled.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH! WHERE!" Roach squealed.

"HA Ha Ah Ha! I told you!" Alcatraz said.

"Would you please take a picture of that vermin's corpse?" Cohen asked.

"Oh, sure, I guess." Jack said.

Jack snapped a photo of the dead guy who was laying on the railing.

"Now place it on my wonderful masterpiece!" Cohen said.

Before Jack and the guys left, Jack spotted a tonic sitting on the railing of a far balcony. He went back in the hallway and found the door leading to that balcony blocked by a gate. He stuck his hand through it, trying to press the button to open it, but he couldn't.

"I guess I'll have to jump over there." He said.

"Jumping is my specialty." Alcatraz said.

Alcatraz bent his legs and propelled himself upwards at high speed, right into the ceiling in the hallway.

"You don't need super jumps to leap 5 inch gaps." Jack said.

Jack went back out to the balcony and simply stepped over to the next balcony. The he stepped to the next and next and next until he reached the tonic. It was Alarm expert. A spotlight shone on Jack and confetti fell from the ceiling.

"What an excellent display of athleticism." Cohen said.

"Athlete what?" Jack asked.

A houdini splice appeared on the balcony across from the one Jack was one. It threw a fireball at Jack, whom easily caught it with Telekinesis. He hurled it back at it, and it vanished before it hit. The splicer reappeared on the catwalk above the theater. Roach and Renko rushed out to the balcony and opened fire with their pistols. The splicer threw a fire ball at them, but Renko reflected it with his TMD's shockwave.

Before the splicer vanished, Jack saw the rail where the wires that held the catwalk up were. He shot some pistol bullets at them and the left side of the catwalk fell limp and the splicer slid off. He fell to the stage, seemingly unharmed. But then Jack shot the other rail and the splicer looked up just in time to see the catwalk smash him through the floor.

"My stage! My beautiful stage!" Cohen cried.

"Oh relax, this place was probably condemned anyway." Jack said.

Jack reentered the hallway through the balcony he was in. He opened the gate and rejoined his mates.

"What does your masterpiece look like?" Jack asked.

"It is in the atrium, several clay figures holding frames." Cohen said.

"You mean that awful retarded -" Roach started before Jack clamped his hand over his mouth.

"Stuff it, Army boy. He's our only ticket out of here." Jack said.

Jack and his brothers started heading back to the atrium. Alcatraz finally pushed his head free from the ceiling.

"Hey wait up!" He yelled at the guys.

The boys had already gotten on the elevator and descended. Alcatraz ran out on to one of the balconies and jumped down to the first floor. He turned around and ran up to the glass door. He grabbed the bottom of it and lifted it open. He entered the snack bar, meeting up with the guys. They all went back to the Atrium, where Jack taped the photo of Kyle to one of the Frames on Cohen's masterpiece.

"Well done! Only 3 more pieces of art remain! If you succeed I will grant you access to the steed who will take you to you destination. Take this to help you." Cohen said.

A panel on the floor by the masterpiece opened up. A small pedestal rose out of it, holding a crossbow made out of common materials.

"Sweet. I've always wanted a crossbow!" Roach said, reaching for it.

"It ain't for you, fucktard." Jack said, shoving him out of the way.

Jack seized the crossbow. The pedestal retracted back into the floor.

"Cool. I can really cause pain with this badass." He said.

Jack accidentally pulled the trigger and shot a bolt that hit a Russian soldier from _Call of Duty Black ops_ in the neck and fell over the second floor's railing and hit the ground hard.

"Whoops." Jack said.

"Next, I need you to find Martin Finnegan. He urinated on my script for a remake of _Call of Cthulhu_. That fool! He can be found in the frozen tunnel." Cohen said.

"Thanks, that would be real helpful, if we knew were there was a frozen tunnel!" Renko said.

"Chillax man. We have the magic arrow at the top of the screen." Jack said, pointing to the waypoint indicator.

The boys went back upstairs and went north. They saw a bulkhead leading to a different area. But before going through it, they decided to check out Cohen's collection. Inside, all the walls and floors were covered by ash or some other gray crap. Up some stairs, there were 3 vaults lined up along the wall.

"My god, a volcano must have went off in here!" Roach said.

"This ain't ash, it's dust." Renko said, smudging it on his fingers.

"Why the hell would there be so much dust in here?" Roach asked.

"Be careful, if we move around too much, we might-" Renko started.

"Ground pound!" Alcatraz yelled.

"Wait!" Renko yelled.

Alcatraz jumped up and slammed his fists down on the floor. The dust flew up off the floor and swirled around like a violent wind storm. Coughing and sneezing could be heard for the next 5 minutes. When the dust finally settled, all the guys were covered with gray powder and were wheezing heavily.

"Damn it! I told you (Cough)!" Renko said.

"I haven't seen something like this since I was in Antarctica. I was surrounded by Eskimos armed only with a Tomahawk. The snow was so heavy, igloos flew overhead. Damn, I killed nearly 15 Eskimos before my Extraction chopper arrived." Roach recalled.

"I thought Eskimos lived in the Arctic." Alcatraz asked.

"Did I say Eskimos? I meant Emperor Penguins." Roach said.

Jack used Auto Hack tools on all the safes since he didn't feel like hacking manually. After claiming the booty, a Houdini splicer appeared on the second floor with him. Wanting to try out his new weapon, Jack fired a bolt at the splicer, which hit him right in the groin. Being the most painful thing on earth, the splicer fell to the ground.

"What the hell? Why did you have to shoot me there!" The splicer groaned.

"Oh, I'm sorry. Here, I'll make it less painful." Jack said.

Jack cocked his Crossbow and shot another bolt into the splicer's ass. He screamed in pain.

"There, now it's not as painful in your groin." He said.

"It still hurts you ass!" The splicer groaned.

"Lets hope this won't hurt." Jack said.

Jack shot one last bolt into the splicer's head, killing him.

"You probably just made that up." Alcatraz said.

"Oh yeah? Then how do you explain these!" Roach asked, pulling out a string that had 17 penguin beaks on it.

"Alright lards, It's Time to split!" Jack said.

The dudes left the art gallery and returned to the Bulkhead. As they approached it, it opened, revealing that the entire glass tube was covered in ice.

"Damn, it looks like That Ice dragon from _legend of spyro_ threw up all over the place." Jack said.

"Not to worry! I'll use my Rod of the seasons to melt the ice!" Roach said, pulling out a rod with an orb on the end.

Roach swung it forward and held it there, expecting something to happen, which did not happen. Jack snatched it from Roach.

"Where the hell did you get this?" He asked.

"I looted it off that little leprechaun guy." Roach said.

"Ewww, it probably has semen all over it." Jack said.

Jack smashed it over Roach's head. Alcatraz laughed uncontrollably. Jack saw what he could barely make out as an Audio diary on the wall, which was also cover in ice. He used his Chemical Thrower to melt it off and picked it up.

"Every thing must get cold, very very cold. I've grown very accustomed to it after I pissed on that gay guy's script. I suddenly found myself attracted to _The Snow Queen_. Yeah, I'd tear that shit up... I turned down the thermostat all the way and removed the knob so no one else can adjust it. The only downside is that I can't watch TV anymore, too much Ice in front of it. I froze all these people who wandered in here and placed them in various poses. Whenever I get really bored, I make out with them. My junk tends to get stuck to the ice though, I had to chisel it off. So thats who I am baby, the Iceman. No, not the gay one from the X-men, the real Iceman." It said.

"God damn, it's freezing in here! How the hell can he do this without a permit?" Renko asked.

"This tunnel reminds me of one of those ice slides you see in all sorts of Video games." Alcatraz said.

Everyone was knocked down by Roach, who was using the floor as a slide and everyone else slid into the next room with him.

"That was fun! Let's do it again!" He squealed.

Jack picked up a nearby chair and smashed it over Roach's head.

"Stuff it Pingu. Let's kill this fucker and get out of here. My balls retracted." Jack said.

Jack looked around, there were several frozen splicers. The room looked like some kind of lobby. There was a health station on the far wall.

"Alright, where is this turkey?" Jack asked himself.

Jack turned around and shrieked when he saw Renko, who was now frozen in a shell of ice. He turned to the right and Shrieked again when he saw Alcatraz, who was also frozen. He turned to the left and did not shriek when he saw Roach, who was also frozen and had his finger up his nose. Jack looked at his hands and saw icicles growing on them. He screamed, which was soon muffled by the shell of ice that grew around him. A splicer in a bird mask suddenly appeared out of a puff of mist in front of Jack.

"A newcomer eh? You look different from all the others. I wish the snow queen would come in here some time, I'd love to rape that hot ass. Oh well, I made out with the sculpture I made of her a dozen times. I gotta special pose all picked out for you." He said in a low, raspy voice.

He disappeared in another puff of mist. Jack managed to break free of the ice shell. He was pissed at the weird fagg. He pulled out his wrench and whacked at Roach's ice shell until it shattered. He did the same thing with Renko and Alcatraz. Roach quickly pulled his finger out of his nose.

"That weird Martin guy is hiding somewhere." Jack said.

"No Sweat. My Nano vision will find him." Alcatraz said.

Alcatraz activated his Nano Vision, which made all living matter glow infrared.

"Hmmmm, all them frozen mask freaks are alive." He said.

"That sneaky bastard must be pretending to be one of them." Jack said.

"Sometimes, I pretend to be a foot stool." Roach said stupidly.

"Just for that, your the one whos gonna choose which one of these things we thaw first." Jack said.

"Alright. I choose, that one!" Roach said as he shot at a frozen splicer with a bunny mask.

The splicer broke free and tackled Roach to the ground. Roach's gun slid away from him. The splicer strangled Roach with both hands. His face turned purple. Roach spotted a Fireplace poker laying on the floor. Why that was there was anyone's guess, but Roach reached for it with his left arm. He grabbed it's handle and began savagely poking the Splicer's sides with it. The others just stood and watched Roach wrestle with the splicer.

After seeing how worthless the poker was, Roach threw it away (hitting Renko in the face) and grabbed the splicer's mask. He pulled it off, revealing the splicer's hideously deformed face and shoved it into the splicer's mouth. The splicer finally released Roach's neck and tried to get the mask out, which was choking him. Roach threw the splicer off him and sat on top of him, strangling him. The mask was forced down into the splicer's throat, leaving a huge bulge in it. The splicer gagged repeatedly, and his head was being shook around violently as Roach crushed his throat. Soon it died, bringing this 2 paragraph battle to an end.

"There, hes dead." Roach said.

"That's not him, he wears a bird mask." Jack said.

"I wish you told me that before I made my choice." Roach groaned.

Jack took aim at one of the figures with his Chemical Thrower. He shot a short stream of fire at the one wearing a bird mask. It shattered it's ice shell and burst into flames, flailing it's arms like Godzilla. It threw a couple Ice shards at Jack, who dodged to the side and let them hit and Freeze Roach instead. Terrified, it tried to run away, but Alcatraz sped up to him and punched him into the wall. As Martin fell to the floor, the others ganged up on him and stomped him violently to death, spraying blood on the other ice figures. Jack snapped a photograph to signify his victory. He also looted his corpse for a Frozen field tonic.

"Excellent! Place the picture on my beautiful masterpiece!" Cohen said over the radio.

Jack shattered Roach's ice shell again with his wrench. Before they could leave however...

"My ongue is uck!" Roach muttered.

Jack turned around to see Roach, with his tongue stuck to some frozen blood on the wall. Jack went over to Roach and blew his tongue off with his pistol. Seconds later, a new one grew in it's place.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" Jack asked.

"I saw some cherry syrup on the wall, so I decided to lick it off." Roach said.

"That is blood." Jack said.

"Hmmmm. Yes it is." Roach said.

Jack groaned and dragged Roach back to the Atrium. He placed the photo of dead Martin on one of the frames.

"Splendid! It looks more beautiful as it becomes more complete! Take this as a token of my graditude!" Cohen said.

A gift wrap box rose out of the floor. Jack ripped it open and found some Anti personnel rounds, some med kits, and some money inside.

"Next, you must find Silas Cobb. He humiliated me in front of my fellow art students by washing off my face paint." Cohen said.

Suddenly, Jack heard a familiar loud stomping noise. He looked to the upper floor and saw a Bouncer with a little sister.

"That guy looks familiar..." Alcatraz said.

"Who cares? We have to kill him!" Jack said.

Jack took some research photos of it, getting a damage increase and wrench Jockey 2.

"Why not persuade him to join us in our noble-" Roach started.

It was too late, Jack launched an RPG round at the Bouncer, exploding upon impact. It's yellow lights turned red and charged down the big stairs. It smashed through the guys like a bowling ball through pins, throwing them all over the place. Jack patched up his wounds with a med kit and shot another RPG round at the bouncer. The bouncer thrust it's drill at Jack, who was holding it back with his hands.

Renko rushed up to the big daddy and pointing his TMD at it. While he tried to unleash a shockwave at it, all it did was click.

"Damn, needs new batteries." He said.

"Hurry!" Jack said desperately.

Renko pulled an old battery out of his TMD and reached into his pocket. He pulled out another battery and dropped it on the floor. He bent over and picked it back up, taking his time.

"Hurry you fucktard!" Jack yelled.

Renko put the battery in his TMD and launched a shockwave at the bouncer, throwing it off Jack. As it got up, Roach approached it.

"I'm sorry for my friend's violent behavior. Would you like to become friends?" He asked, holding it some flowers.

The bouncer swatted the flowers away and stabbed Roach with it's drill. Alcatraz jumped on the back of the bouncer and covered it's visor with his hands. It let Roach fall to the ground and flailed it's arms crazily. Alcatraz jumped off it and grabbed it's drill arm. Using his suit's super strength, he ripped it off. He stuck his own left arm inside it and drilled the Bouncer right into the helmet. He pulled the drill out, covered in blood and discarded it.

Jack bandaged Roach up and grabbed the little sister. He rescued her and she ran off to the nearest vent.

"The sisters want to thank you. Look for their gift at the nearest Gatherer's garden." Tenenbaum said over the radio.

"Sweet! New shit to inject into my arm!" Jack said excited.

Jack ran up the big stair's and into the small room with the Gatherer's Garden. He swatted the little sister out of the way and tore open his present. It had 200 ADAM, some RPG rounds, and The Hypnotize big daddy 2 plasmid.

"What the fuck? This thing again? It better work this time!" Jack said, equipping it.

Jack saw that Incinerate 2 was available for purchase at The Gatherer's garden. But he needed Incinerate 1 to buy it.

"Roach, give me back my Incinerate Plasmid." Jack asked Roach impatiently.

"But I thought you said-" Roach started.

"I'm taking that back, you've barely used it." Jack said.

Roach threw a fireball at a nearby potted plant.

"There, now can I keep it?" He asked.

"No." Jack said impatiently.

Roach pouted as he extracted the plasmid out of his bloodstream with a hypo and gave it back to Jack. Jack injected it in place of his hypnotize big daddy plasmid. Then he purchased the upgrade.

"Why waste money on them machines when you can get it for free?" Alcatraz asked.

Alcatraz grabbed the Gatherer's garden machine and tried to tear it's front cover off. He grunted as he pulled back on it hard. After nearly an hour, he gave up and noticed a label on the side.

"Fireproof, Bulletproof, tool proof, and Nano proof." He read, surprised. "Aww screw this, I'm heading to the bar."

"Theres a Bar!" Roach, Jack, and Renko asked simultaneously.

"Yeah, the cocktail lounge or something." Alcatraz said.

"Lead us to it!" Jack demanded.

"Stop little moths! You still have to kill Cobb!" Cohen said.

"Cobb ain't going nowhere, lets get drunk." Jack said.

Alcatraz lead the gang underneath the stair case and to where Jack hacked the circus of values machine earlier. The bar was part of a small shopping mall, along with a salon, and Tobacco shop. Jack was thrilled there was a Tobacco shop too and Roach was excited that there was a Salon, which everyone else was bewildered by. Anyway, Jack and the gang downed a couple beers, and Jack did his usual raiding of the cash register (He had over 7000 dollars by now). He also found a safe under the counter, which he hacked.

"I'm the greatest frigging spec op the U.S has." Renko said, drunk.

"I got more straight d's than you can imagine." Alcatraz said, also drunk. (He had to take off his helmet, showing that he is white with shaved brown hair).

"But I like pulling on it mom." Roach said, also drunk.

Jack located an Audio diary on one of the tables.

"The bats in Fort Frolic are all google heads! They've constantly been killing each other just because they don't like each other's art. The only time I did that is because Jimmy Nickles called my finger painting of George Washington a blob in kindergarten. I choked him to death with the same finger paint I used to paint it. Anyway, this one murderer killed this guy by stabbing him with a feather pen and used his blood to write a symphony. Boy, even the pipe organ from that one _Beauty and the Beast_ spin off wasn't as creative as that!" It said.

"Hey guys, this big fat guy murdered someone in Kindergarten!" Jack said to the other's, drunk.

After nearly 5 hours, the guys ran out of booze. Since there was nothing else to do there, they left to investigate the other shops, groaning.

"My head hurts." Roach whined.

"All our heads hurt. Now shut up!" Jack hissed.

Jack lead them to the Tobacco shop, hoping some cigarettes would cheer him up. Inside and around the corner, Jack's eyes lit up when he saw another power to the people machine. He decided to choose the grenade Launcher damage immunity upgrade. Renko, Roach and Alcatraz stumbled around the corner just in time to see Jack shoot a grenade at his feet and exploded, leaving him unscathed.

"Yeah! Fuck Yeah!" He yelled.

"Could you keep it down? My ears are ringing." Renko said.

Jack kicked Renko in the groin and almost slipped on another Audio diary on the floor.

"Come to the record shop in Poseidon Plaza! We got all sorts of crappy 40s songs to listen to! We have Jazz! Orchestra! Rock! And Blues! Each record only costs about 50 dollars so come on down and grab some! I'm Silas Cobb and I am desperately in need of money! So will you please just haul your cheap ass down here and buy something already! My rent is 2 years past due!" It said.

"Hmmm, thats probably where the fag is hiding. Oh well, now on to the cigarettes!" Jack said.

Jack went down a set of stairs and almost died when he turned on the lights.

"GUYS! GET DOWN HERE!" He yelled.

The others rushed down the steps to see what the yelling was about and saw that all the shelves were filled with Smuggled Cuban cigars.

"Snatch and grab boys!" Jack yelled.

The guys grabbed boxes of Cigars and stuffed them into their pockets and bags. Alcatraz shoved them down his suit. Jack stuck several Cigars in his mouth and lit them with Incinerate. As he began smoking them, he saw another Audio diary on the floor.

"What the hell is this man? Those smugglers said they were gonna give me some good cigars. Instead, they give me a bunch of shit from Cuba. I mean seriously, those fuckers are communists! I ain't putting my lips on Anything communist! Then again, I did just once. They don't even taste good. They remind me of my mother's breast milk. She drank a lot when I was a brat. The milk tasted horrible. Damn, Thats why I took up smoking in the first place. To forget that damn taste. God, I shrivel up whenever I think about it." It said.

The others stuck several cigars in their mouths too. They all had Jack light them with Incinerate. The shelves were picked clean. As the boys started to leave, Roach wanted to stop by the salon.

"Why the fuck do you want to go to the salon!" Jack demanded.

"I want to make my Hair shiny." Roach said.

"Shiny? What are you? A Glo friend?" Jack taunted.

"There might be something for you in there." Roach said.

"Like what?" Jack asked.

"Magazines, money, Audio diaries, Hair coloring, scissors." Roach said.

"Alright, fine! We'll go to the fucking salon!" Jack said.

The guys went into Sophia's Salon, which was empty. Jack looted the cash register and looked around. Roach sat down at one of the styling desks and looked at all the hair products. Renko took a look at some of them too. Alcatraz grabbed a waxer and started shining his armor. Jack saw a door on a corner, so he went in and nearly screamed when he saw a frozen figure sitting at a desk. The whole room was covered in ice. The was an Audio diary on the frozen desk.

"I am a wild bunny, you can tell by my ears. If I were to take off my ears, I would no longer be a wild bunny. The one who made me wear these ears is a coyote because he wears dead brown fur. If he were to take off that brown fur, he would no longer be a coyote. Yet, should I take off my ears? For if I did, I would no longer be a wild bunny. And If I do, I can be something far more powerful. A human. Bunnies eat grass and reproduce rapidly. Humans eat bunnies and create art. Paintings, movies, video games, and namely poems, such as this one you've just heard. My ears are covered in blood. Whose blood is it? It's the critic of this poem, thats who." It said.

Jack threw the Audio diary to the ground and shot it several times with his pistol.

"That was the worst thing I've ever heard." He said.

He went back into the salon and was startled by Roach's blonde hair and Renko's mohawk.

"What the hell?" Jack asked.

"We got kinda carried away." Renko said.

"Hell yeah! Blonde's have more fun!" Roach said.

"I'm shinier than the Jetix logo." Alcatraz said.

"Okay...I'm gonna barf in this back room, then we're leaving." Jack said.

After getting some of the hundreds of Pep bars he consumed out of his system, Jack and the others left the southern mall and returned to the frozen area.

"Why the hell did we come back here? This cold air is bad for my new dew." Renko asked.

"The magic arrow thing was pointing this way. Oh, and heres the bulkhead it was pointing to." Jack said.

The guys went through the bulkhead door and found themselves in what looked like a massive mall. Closed down shops lined the walls. There were some items in one of the windows.

"Sweet! Who says crime doesn't pay?" Jack asked.

Jack broke the window with his elbow. In addition to getting shards of glass stuck in it, he also set off an alarm.

"Rapture reminds you that crime does not pay. Please wait where you are while we send a friendly security force to your position." The loudspeaker said.

"Awww shit. I should have saw that coming." Jack said.

"Don't worry, the security force should be very friendly." Roach said before several bullets flew into his bandaged chest.

Several security bots flew in and shot at the guys. Renko pulled out his Trusty AR9 Valkyrie Assault Rifle. He blasted one of the bots out of the air and it crashed into Roach, who tried to get up off the floor. Alcatraz activated his cloak and equipped his Feline bullpup assault rifle. When one of the bots looked away from him, he de-cloaked and blasted it out of the air, where it also crashed into Roach.

Since Jack didn't want to miss out on all the fun, he pulled out his Grenade Launcher and ran up close to the last security bot. He pressed the barrel against it and fired the grenade, where the bot disappeared in a large circular explosion, with Jack completely unharmed. Jack saw Roach laying unconscious on the floor and he ran over to him. He smacked his face a couple of times.

"Hey? Cock Roach, wake up." Jack said.

"Your guts are gonna look great on my wall." A voice said.

Jack turned around and saw a Spider splicer standing behind him. 2 more splicers with Pistols spun out from behind him. As Jack pondered what the fuck they were doing, the doors to the closed shop broke open, and some strange people walked out. They had blue pants and bloodstained white shirts. They also had long sharp claws and had these weird little flesh pillows with legs on their heads.

Before Jack could ask what the hell was happening, 2 large spikes shot through the ceiling and embedded themselves into the floor. Little hatches on them opened and more of the little flesh pillow things crawled out. For those of you who don't understand my reference jokes, these are head crabs from _Half Life_. When they latch onto someone's head, they turn into zombie knock offs.

"I hired these little freaks from another game to add some spice to the story! Get em boys!" The spider splicer said.

The zombies and head crabs just stood there for a moment. Then, all of the sudden, they attacked the ones who hired them, the splicers. The splicer on the left never saw them coming. A head crab attached itself to his head and he fell back screaming. The other 2 tried to fend off the zombies with their weapons, but they disappeared under a large pile of them.

"This sure is adding some spice to the story." Renko said.

"Let's hope the reader thinks so." Alcatraz said.

"At least this will be a nice change of pace." Jack said, cocking his shotgun.

Meanwhile, in another dimension...

"Roach! Roach! Wake up!" A voice yelled.

Roach opened his eyes and saw a U.S soldier in a desert uniform standing in front of him. They were both in a cheap cruddy apartment room. The walls were smeared with dirt and the floor was littered with beer cans. In the background, 3 other figures were sitting on a crappy couch watching TV. One of them was black with a green command vest and camo pants, another had the same wardrobe but also wore a baseball cap, and the last was another U.S soldier.

"Where the hell am I? Have I been kidnapped by Niko from _GTA4_?" Roach asked.

"Your in the land of dead _Call of Duty_ soldiers." The soldier in front of him said.

"I'm in hell?" Roach asked.

"No, not permanently. I'm Sgt Paul Jackson. That's Ssgt. Griggs, Gaz, and Lt. Vasquez." Jackson said, pointing to the dudes on the couch.

"My captain said he used to work with a guy in a baseball cap." Roach pointed out.

"Yeah? Well your captains gonna join us on the next installment." Jackson said.

"Mactavish! What about Ghost?" Roach asked, scared.

"Him too." Jackson said.

"And Nikolai?" Roach asked again.

"Not him, at least not yet." Jackson said.

"And Neptune?" Roach asked.

"Who? Oh, you must mean one of those countless 'extra' characters. We have a hotel full of them." Jackson said.

"So if I'm not dead, why the hell am I here?" Roach asked.

"Our temp accidentally added you to his list." Jackson said.

"Sorry, I was drunk." A man at a typewriter wearing a blue shirt with a command vest and jeans said.

"Royce!" Roach gasped.

"Anyway, you've got to go back to where ever you've been." Jackson said.

"I can't. I'm no help to my friends. They have all sorts of cool tech and all I have is a pistol." Roach said.

"Did you try checking your back sling?" Jackson asked.

"What?" Roach asked.

It was too late. Jackson shoved Roach into the apartment's garbage chute. Roach suddenly came to. He sat up and saw his buddies fighting weird zombies with pillows on their heads. Roach thought about what he was told.

"If you pull on your thing, your gonna go blind!" said...AAARRRRGGGHHHH, not that memory!

"Check your back sling..." Jackson's voice echoed in Roach's mind.

Roach perked up and reached behind his back. He felt something and grabbed it. His eyes lit up when he saw it was his UMP45. He jumped to his feet and opened fire on the zombies. He burst some of the pillow things on the heads of the zombies.

Jack also burst one of his own with his wrench. Renko blasted some away with his Volk S4 shotgun. Alcatraz also blew some into bloody chunks with his Jackal shotgun. When ended, all the guys regrouped.

"I don't believe it! I still had my gun!" Roach said.

"I tried to tell you when we first met, but I lost interest." Jack said.

"Now when one of those bitches tries to attack me, Blam!" Roach said as he shot out another store window and triggered an alarm.

"You numb brain!" Jack said before hitting Roach on the head with his wrench.

Instead of security bots, something else showed up. They were little gray spheres with small white shell pieces, little orange lights, and a machine gun on it. These were Scanners from _Half life 2_.

"Damn, the guys from Rapture must love that game." Jack said.

These wimpy things were much weaker than the regular security bots, so the guys didn't have as much trouble as usual. After their pieces littered the floor, the guys went back to chatting.

"And I saw one of my old teammates Royce..." Roach continued.

"Enough! I can't stand listening to your retarded war hero stories!" Jack yelled. "We might as well search this place. That Cobb guy ain't going anywhere."

The others agreed and the team entered the nearest building. It was called, Sir-Prize, which was a casino with slot machines everywhere.

"Oh goody! Can someone spare a dime?" Roach asked.

"Fuck off." Jack said.

Jack jumped behind the counter, looted the cash register, and located a safe underneath it. He opened it and found some explosive buck and trap bolts.

"Trap bolts? I wonder what these do?" He thought.

He shot a bolt at the wall and that bolt shot a wire to the opposite wall. Roach walked right into it and got zapped when he was trying to use a slot machine. Jack chuckled. As Roach got up, a security camera spotted him, and triggered another boring alarm. While the others easily held off the helpless security bots, Jack found an Audio diary in a nearby crate.

"Woo boy. Fontaine's got a shitload of boys big enough to be an army. He's tired of Ryan dominating the plasmid market. From the way I see it, he just hates Ryan because of that retarded mustache. Hell, I do. Oh well, don't make much difference, whoever wins. The streets are still gonna be full of freaks and the vending machines will still carry things like ammo instead of sodas. God, I'm so glad I moved here. It's way more exciting than New Jersey. I don't have to look at Snooki's ugly hair every time I go to the beach." It said.

Jack looked towards the stairs and saw that the area was littered with destroyed Security bots. Roach violently shook a slot machine that he lost to while Renko smoked a cigar. Alcatraz hit a cue ball at a pool table. Jack lead the guys upstairs (Except Roach, who was still clinging to the slot machine) and saw that the second floor looked just like the first one.

"Okay, I'm bored. Lets go kill that fuck." Jack said.

Alcatraz grabbed Roach by his foot and dragged him up the stairs along with the slot machine. The guys exited through the door on the second floor and reentered the plaza. Directly across from them was the entrance to Rapture records.

"The puss must be hiding there. He said so in his diary." Jack said.

"You read other people's diaries? Thats not nice." Roach said, clinging to the slot machine.

The guys entered the record store. It was dark and gloomy. Jack didn't find any money in the cash register, but he did find an audio diary.

"I don't like that Cohen guy. He is like Ryan's shoe shiner. He does whatever Ryan tells him and obeys it like a dog. What's the word I'm looking for? Stableboy! That's it, stable boy! And, well...thats all I have to say. This might be the shortest Audio diary in the game." It said.

Near the back of the room was a broken railing overlooking the lower floor. The staircase to the right of it was broken as well. On the lower floor, there was a figure sitting on the couch looking at the fire place. Jack calmly pulled out his shotgun and jumped down. The others followed.

They quietly tiptoed towards the figure. Except Roach who sneezed loudly and got hit on the head by Jack's wrench. Alcatraz turned on his nano vision and didn't see a heat signature around the figure. Before he could inform the others, they jumped over the couch and shoved their weapons into the chest of a dummy with a bomb in it's chest. They all panic'd.

"Fuck." Jack said before the bomb went off and threw him into the wall.

"AhAhahahahahahahahahahaha! I can't believe you actually fell for that!" Cobb shouted from up on the second floor.

"You forgot that we could just take...the stairs..." Roach realized.

"I don't need no fucking stairs!" Alcatraz said.

Alcatraz launched himself on the second floor. Cobb threw a grenade at him, which Al swatted away and landed downstairs, where it exploded near the others. Cobb took of running out the door and Alcatraz was in hot pursuit. Meanwhile, 3 spider splicers crawled in from a nearby air vent. The guys slaughtered them with their guns and tried to figure out a way to get back up to the second floor.

"Maybe we could make a human ladder!" Roach suggested.

"Too Gay." Jack said.

"Maybe I can bring back the staircase with my TMD." Renko said.

"Too boring." Jack said.

Jack suddenly spotted the vent the splicers came through. He crouched down and took a look inside.

"I think we can get out this way." He said.

"Do we have to? My hair will be ruined." Renko said.

Jack grabbed Renko by the neck and tossed him into the vent. He did the same with Roach before he crawled in himself.

"Ouch, I think I crawled on a nail." Renko said.

"What are you complaining about? I nearly burnt my hair coloring off because of that damn fire!" Roach said.

"Hey! I found a ladder!" Renko said.

"Who the hell puts a ladder in a vent?" Jack asked.

Ignoring the lack of logic, the guys climbed up the misplaced ladder. Renko blew out an exit with his shockwave and the guys left the record shop. As they walked out the door, Cobb's corpse landed in front of them and Roach jumped into Jack's arms, who dropped him. Alcatraz walked out from behind the corner.

"This retard tried to use this thing with a first aid cross on it. I slammed his head into it a couple of times and then threw him over the railing. A hard landing from the second floor finished him off." He said.

"Good, now we don't have to waste another paragraph talking about how we killed him." Jack said, taking a picture.

"Does this mean we put it back on that hideous thing now?" Renko asked.

"Can we stop at the casino first?" Roach asked.

"No, haul ass." Jack said, grabbing Roach by the collar.

To be continued...

**The entire fort frolic level was supposed to be one chapter, but this is just becoming way too long. The next chapter will wrap it up and won't be as long, hopefully. By the way, anyone know where I can find a site that host free voice acting online without giving out personal information? I can't start animating until I get some voice acting done first. Voice 123 seemed good, but it required my phone number and real name. Like that would happen. I think I'm just gonna have to find some other way. Because I'm not a SLACKER!**


	11. Requiem for Face paint

Chapter 11:Requiem for face paint

All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious Parodied Manner.

**I rented **_**Lost Planet Extreme Conditions**_** not too long ago and I was disappointed within 7 minutes of Gameplay. The most apparent reason is that the fucking thing is timed. Your character has a storage of something called Thermal energy, that gradually decreases over time. If it hits zero, your character loses health and eventually dies. This discourages exploration and forces you to haul ass. Sure, he might start off with 3000 thermal energy and can get a shitload more, but the fact that it decreases takes a huge bite out of everything. Other timed games like this include **_**Legend of Zelda:Majora's Mask, Frogger, **_**and the **_**dead rising**_** games. On to the story, which isn't timed fortunately.**

Jack put some pieces of tape on the edges of Cobb's picture and stuck them on one of the empty frames of Cohen's gay masterpiece.

"Okay, wheres my reward?" Jack asked Greedily.

"Is that a look of disgust in your eye?" Cohen asked.

Jack pulled out a little pocket mirror and looked at himself in it.

"You fucking doubters! No one doubts me! You can just go fuck yourself!" Cohen yelled.

The lights in the atrium turned off, bathing the room in a dull red light. The Nutcracker theme started playing on the intercoms.

"Could this get any more fucked up?" Jack asked.

Several splicers charged into the room.

"Awwwww shit." Jack muttered.

Jack whipped out his machine gun and peppered one splicer with bullets. Roach dove for cover behind one of the figures on Cohen's masterpiece and blind fired his UMP45. He accidentally shot Renko and Jack in their backs.

"What the hell are you doing?" Renko sneered.

"It's blind fire, what do you expect?" Roach smart assed.

Bullets whizzed through the air as the song from that (mostly) family friendly play filled the airwaves. Jack smashed open the skull of one unaware splicer with his wrench. Alcatraz picked up one of the clay figures and swung it around like a club. After several minutes of fighting, dead splicers littered the floor.

"You must forgive me for that little outburst. I can't stand even the slightest bit of criticism. Your last target is a man known as Hector Rodriguez. He kept yelling at me during my award ceremony." Cohen said.

"Whatever, you crazy punt." Jack muttered.

Before leaving, more loud stomping could be heard. Jack checked the back hallway and saw another bouncer with a little sister.

"Oh yeah. Time to get that health upgrade I've always wanted." Jack said.

Using his Grenade Launcher, Jack laid down a long string of proximity mines stretching across the hallway.

"Hey Roach, I'll give you a dollar if you tell that bouncer that is mother couldn't even heat your house. Then lead him to these mines." Jack said.

"No sweat, I'll do anything for cash." Roach said.

Roach ran over to the Bouncer and taunted him. The bouncer roared in anger as Roach ran towards the mines. The bouncer charged after him, stepping over each and every mine, blowing chunks off it's body. By the time it reached the end of the string, it's head was all that was left. Jack stuffed a dollar in Roach's pocket and went down the hallway looking for the little sister.

"Where the hell did that little bitch go?" Jack asked.

"I found her! Shes hiding in this trash can." Renko yelled.

Renko tore the lid off and reached inside the trash can. He cringed in pain and pulled his hand out.

"That little bitch bit me!" Renko said.

Jack kicked the can over and the little sister fell out. He grabbed her by the waist and rubbed his hand over her forehead. Her veins glowed as her eyes changed back to a human color. Jack set her down and put the expelled ADAM in a vial.

"Thank you." The little sister said.

"Whatever. Beat it." Jack said.

As the little sister ran off, Jack made a quick stop at the Gatherer's garden to purchase a health and EVE upgrade. Afterwards, the boys made their way back to Poseidon's plaza. Jack lead them down the hall one way, with a look of boredom on his face, until they came to another bar, Sinclair spirits.

"2 bars? Can't they just walk over to the other one?" Renko asked.

"Obviously not. Why else is there a vending machine around every corner?" Jack said.

The boys went in. Jack jumped over the counter and handed them some beers. He noticed a red button under the cash register. Curious, he pressed it. A section of the wall opened up, revealing a staircase. Jack walked down and found a hidden cellar. There was a safe in the corner and another power to the people machine on the wall. Jack decided to upgrade his Machine gun's damage with this one. Afterwards, he cracked open the safe for an auto hack tool and went back upstairs.

After having a few beers (and vomits), the boys left the bar.

"Wasn't Sinclair a guy that appears in the second game?" Roach asked.

"Don't give away the story line!" Jack hissed slapping him.

The gang almost passed by a staircase with a bright blue neon sign saying "more items downstairs".

"1 2 3 4 5 and 6." Roach started.

Jack kicked Roach in his back, sending him tumbling down the stairs. He and Renko went down, with Alcatraz following after his smashed the annoying sign. The lower level was waist deep in water. There were mannequins scattered all over the place.

"God, it feels like I just entered the basement of _Silent Hill_." Renko said, nervously.

"Where the fuck did Roach go?" Jack asked.

Suddenly, Roach broke through the surface of the water, arms raised and roaring like a monster. Jack shot him in the chest with his crossbow out of fright, throwing him back into the water. Jack reached underneath it and pulled Roach out by the hair, which was still blonde, fortunately for him.

"Look what you did! You ruined a perfectly good crossbow bolt!" Jack lectured.

Jack punched Roach in the face, sending him back under water. He saw something at the far end of the room. Renko trudged after him. Roach sat up through the water and shrieked when he saw a shark fin swim by and splashed after the others. Alcatraz rose out of the water, wearing a fake shark fin on his head. Jack picked up a blue tonic on top of one of the crates, it was extra nutrition 2.

"If you want extra nutrition, you should just eat those nutrigrain bars they're always advertising." Roach said.

"Those things taste like rubber." Jack said.

Jack turned around and immediately noticed 2 splicers near the exit pretending to be mannequins.

"Are you shitting me?" Jack asked.

Jack stood on top of a crate and told the others to do so as well. He zapped the water with electro bolt and the splicers were fried. And so was Roach, who was unable to stay on top of his crate. But after a few med kits, he was as good as new. They went back upstairs and were delighted to see another tobacco shop, Robertson's tobacco.

"They really like their shops in pairs." Renko said.

"Maybe they'll actually have some good tobacco products this time." Jack said.

Jack casually walked in and immediately pulled the others down under a table when he saw a camera behind 2 glass walls. There was a glass door with a keypad next to it.

"How are we supposed to enter the code with that camera there?" Renko asked.

"No sweat. I'll use my cloak function." Alcatraz said.

Alcatraz vanished and his footsteps could be heard. A carton of cigarettes floated in the air.

"Oh my god! It's a spook!" Roach shrieked.

"No! It's Al you idiot!" Jack hissed.

One of the cigarettes came out of the carton and then a loud clunk was heard on the floor. Roach banged his head against the top of the table, startled.

"What the hell was that?" Jack asked.

"That was my helmet, I wanted a smoke." Alcatraz said.

He put the cigarette in his mouth and lit it with an invisible lighter. After taking a puff and exhaling, he went up to the keypad.

"Hang on, let me find out what the code is. It must be in one of these stupid diaries." Jack said.

"I don't need no fucking code." Alcatraz said.

The keypad was crushed between Alcatraz's invisible fingers and the door was pried open by them. He walked into the room and tore the camera off the wall. Alcatraz materialized inside.

"There you go, you can thank me whenever." he said.

"That was beast!" Roach said.

Roach got up and started running towards Alcatraz, but he tripped over something that wasn't visible.

"You are one dumb mother fucker." Jack said.

"I tripped on something." He said.

"Oh right. My helmet! I forgot to put it back on." Alcatraz said.

"Don't worry, it's around here somewhere." Renko said.

While the others were feeling around for his helmet, Jack found an audio diary near a pile of money in the room.

"Ryan's boys broke into Fontaine's place today, guns blazing. Fontaine wasn't anywhere. Now we got this new guy, Atlas. He's a lot different from Fontaine. Theres only a very small chance they could be the same person, though I doubt it. And it's not like hes gonna use some weird kid he trained to kill Ryan either. And it's not like that all I'm saying is true either. What is true is that Ryan is actually an alien from another dimension whos here to take over the world." it said.

Roach tripped over Alcatraz's helmet again. Al picked it up and put it back on his head, making it invisible.

"AAAAHHHH! It's the headless horseman!" Roach squealed.

Alcatraz's head rematerialized. The guys left the shop and proceeded further down Poseidon's plaza. They came to another location known as Eve's Garden. All of the gang's eyes lit up. They charged inside, hoping to see virtually naked women, and only found an empty dance floor. Jack got angry and kicked over a nearby trash can.

"Can't we get something more than money and booze?" He questioned.

Suddenly, a blue specter appeared on the dance floor. It was a women who had almost nothing on, dancing a very revealing dance. Roach put his fingers in his mouth and whistled at her. Jack threw some dollars at her before she turned and walked through a nearby door.

"Damn it." He cursed.

Jack retrieved his money and grabbed a few other dollar bills that were laying on the dance floor. There was also an Audio diary near the bar.

"It's all grift. No, I'm not talking about the strip club, I'm talking about my aunt's coffee shop. She puts soy milk in every cup! It tastes like piss! I tried some while I was listening to that Cohen guy's speech and I yelled out how horrible it was! God, I have got to get Ryan to foreclose that shop!" It said.

Bored with drinking beer every 5 minutes, the guys climbed up on the dance floor and went through the door the ghost entered. They jammed into a narrow hallway and moved down it.

"Get off my foot, Renko." Alcatraz said.

"I'm not even touching your foot." Renko said.

"Roach!" Alcatraz said.

"What? My foot needs a cushion." Roach said.

As they approached the door, everything turned black and white.

"Please, I've done what you've wanted. Just leave me alone! Wait, what are you doing? No! Don't! AAAAHHHHHHHH! Oh yes! Oh yes! Deeper! Deeper!" A female voice said, radically.

Turned on by these moans of passion, Jack rushed into the room. All that was inside was a bed, an audio diary under it, and a safe in the corner.

"Damn it! An exploitative sex scene would have been just the thing this game needs." Jack said.

As Jack was about to grab the Audio diary, an image of a farm appeared in his vision for a second. He dismissed it as side effects of drinking too much and grabbed the Audio diary.

"I can't believe I'm pregnant! I had such a wonderful time with Ryan, I didn't even think about using protection. And he was calling that punishment! At least I don't have to worry about being the mother. Fontaine offered to buy my child. I should give up stripping and become a hooker. If he keeps buying all the children I have, I could make a fortune!" It said.

Roach jumped on the bed and bounced up and down on it. He banged his head on the ceiling and knocked himself out. He landed on the bed and looked like he passed out drunk. As a joke, Alcatraz put a bottle of whiskey in his hand. Jack cracked open the safe and salvaged some money and...condoms. Just in case he was going to bang some nice splicer chick.

"Come on! Hurry it up in there!" A voice yelled out from the bar.

"Sounds like we got a drunk who won't leave." Jack said, with his machine gun armed.

He, Renko, and Alcatraz slowly creeped out into the corridor. Roach suddenly awoke on the bed. He saw the whiskey in his hand and drank it. Jack peeked through the door and saw a chubby splicer sitting at the edge of the dance counter.

"Come on! I work hard for this 25 cents, let me get my money's worth!" He yelled.

The waypoint arrow at the top of the screen was pointing to the splicer, meaning he was Hector Rodriguez. Jack drew his crossbow and aimed it at his head. Before he could fire it, however...

"Hey guys, you got any more beer?" Roach demanded loudly.

"Damn it you idiot! I'm trying to concentrate!" Jack yelled.

"Holy shit!" Hector said.

Hector got up and ran for the door. Bullets whizzed past him as he sprinted down the plaza. Jack's gang was in hot pursuit. Jack fired his machine gun rapidly, without pausing. Windows and other breakable objects shattered from inaccurately aimed bullets. Hector ran into Robertson's tobacco and hid inside the glass room.

Jack pumped the glass with bullets, only scraping it. Hector stuck his tongue out at Jack.

"You motherfucker!" Jack yelled, angry.

Jack went to the glass room's door and pried it open with his wrench. He pushed it open with his hand and got his upper body through. Hector started hitting him on the head with a box of cigars. Jack pulled out his pistol and blasted him with a flurry of bullets, knocking him down. Jack pulled the rest of his body in and pointed his pistol at Hector.

"I know what your thinking. Did he fire 24 shots, or only 23? Got to ask yourself something. Do you feel lucky? Do ya punk?" Jack asked.

"I thought this was a video game parody. Why use movie quotes?" Hector asked.

Jack pulled the trigger and it just clicked. Hector began to laugh, until Jack pulled out his shotgun, shoved it in his mouth and pulled the trigger. Blood stained the wall as Hector's body sat there, with a large hole in his mouth. Jack took a picture of this, thinking it was his best yet.

"Yippee! We got the last photo!" Roach squealed.

"Yeah, no thanks to you." Renko said.

"We ain't finished yet. Theres still a few things left on the author's list." Jack said.

Meanwhile, in a section of Rapture called Point Prometheus...

Atlas was sitting at a security monitor in a room with white tiled floors. He was still in his green jumpsuit and welder's mask. He was tampering with a radio.

"Boyo? Boyo? Can you hear me?" He asked.

He punched the radio.

"That stupid Cohen. Who does he think he is? Messing with me? He's in for a big surprise when boyo kills Ryan." He said in a gangster voice.

He laughed like an evil villain before grabbing a bottle of moonshine. He chugged it all down in a single gulp and belched loudly before falling out of his chair.

Back to Fort Frolic...

Floogal, Blotch and Pickle walked out of the Pharaoh's fortune second floor exit. They all held plastic buckets full of money.

"We hit payday! We can easily afford new gear with this lot!" Blotch said.

"I can't believe I hit the Jackpot on my 17th try!" Floogal said.

"I got enough to afford a mask that doesn't look gay." Pickle said.

"Right then, lets stop at one of them vending machines and grab some guns. Then we can start hunting the fucks that killed us." Blotch said.

Just as the splicers left, Jack and the gang entered the casino from the first floor. Jack quickly blasted the camera near the stairs.

"More slot machines! Can I please play one more game?" Roach asked.

"No, we must keep moving!" Jack said.

Jack saw that someone already busted open the safe and raided the cash register. Alcatraz found an Audio diary on the pool table.

"I found another murder, and this one is the most fucked up yet. We found this guy by the name of Culpepper. Seriously, what kind of name is that? Anyway, we found him under his kitchen's sink, covered in fruit roll ups, naked and had his tongue stuck to his foot and his eyes were placed neatly in front of him. The only way this could have happened is that someone bumped him. Thats a phrase that means, someone hired someone else to kill him, it's not rocket science." It said.

Jack grabbed Roach by the collar and pulled him away from a machine that he was about to put a coin into.

"No! Please! Just one more game!" Roach begged.

"For fucks sake, no!" Jack hissed.

"This is the only place that has slot machines!" Roach said.

"Then get an app or something that lets you gamble online." Jack said.

"What's an app?" Roach asked.

Jack groaned as he finally pulled Roach out of the casino. As they neared the exit, Jack spotted another Bouncer with a little sister by Sir-prize. Wanting to try out his trap bolts, he placed several of them between the wall and the staircase. Then, as usual, he used Roach for bait.

"What should I do?" Roach asked.

"Say something mean." Jack said.

"Uhhhh. Hey bouncer! Thats a nice helmet you've got on!" Roach yelled.

"Uggghhh. HEY BOUNCER! YOU LOOK LIKE ROSIE O DONNEL IN BODY ARMOR!" Jack yelled.

The bouncer looked at Roach, it's yellow eyes turning red. The wires were between it and Roach, but soon it was just Roach because it charged through them and started pummeling him.

"Well, that didn't work." Jack said.

Renko used his TMD to create a small sphere, which turned into a big sphere when he shot it at the bouncer. Everything inside the sphere was moving slower than normal. Renko pulled Roach out of the sphere while Alcatraz set a C4 charge on the bouncer. They took cover behind the staircase and Alcatraz pulled the trigger, blowing it up. When Jack looked around the staircase, he saw the little sister weeping. As he set her free, Renko applied some bandages to Roach.

"Don't you have Hello Kitty band-aids?" He asked.

"What are you? A little girl?" Renko asked.

"Hey, lots of guys like Hello Kitty. Just ask Leo-" Roach started before Jack kicked him in the chest.

"Watch it bird-brain. He's already pissed from having a shitty computer." Jack said.

Anyway, after Roach got patched up, the boys went back to Cohen's masterpiece.

"That homo better keep his word." Jack said as he taped the final photo on the masterpiece.

A drum roll started beating as a spotlight shone on the staircase. A large puff of smoke appeared. Behind was none other than Sander Cohen. He wore a tuxedo and had white face paint. Jack couldn't believe that he was uglier than expected. Applause roared through the chamber as Cohen walked down the steps, thanking the clay figurines. The boys were somewhat creeped out by this.

"Thank you! Thank you! You are all such wonderful supporters!" Cohen said.

"You have some serious social problems." Renko said.

"I cannot thank you enough for completing my masterpiece! Allow me to provide a token of my graditude." Cohen said.

Cohen disappeared in another puff of smoke and reappeared next to one of the locked display cases the guys were trying to open earlier. With a snap of his fingers, the case disappeared. Jack picked up the tonic that was inside. It was medical expert 2.

"uhhh. Thanks?" Jack said.

"Your quite welcome. And now, Be gone!" Cohen hissed.

"Boyo? That you? I've been trying to reach you for hours." Atlas said over the radio.

"Oh great. Did you have to unjack him?" Jack asked.

"Is the exit open, boyo?" Atlas asked.

"Yeah, we were about to leave." Jack said.

"Well get a move on. Ryan ain't gonna kill himself." Atlas said.

"Hold on, face paint. What about that other case?" Jack asked Cohen.

"That is my private muse statue. No one may touch it." Cohen said.

"Oh yeah?" Jack said, pointing his shotgun at Cohen.

"You dare strike me down? After everything I've done for you?" Cohen asked.

"Everything you've done? You lock us in this fucked up mall, block our communications, force us to complete that fucked up sculpture, tried to kill us and gave me a useless tonic! You think I should be grateful for that?" Jack hissed.

"Well...I did give you that crossbow." Cohen said.

"Yeah, you did." Jack said.

Jack quickly fired a bolt into Cohen's leg. Cohen screamed and vanished in a puff of smoke.

"Where the fuck did that shithead go?" Jack asked.

Alcatraz activated his nano vision. He located a figure near the masterpiece. He shot it a couple of times with his Feline. Cohen reappeared and threw a fireball at the gang. Jack caught it with telekinesis and threw it back at him. Cohen dodged it and then dodged an apple thrown by Jack.

"ha Ha! You missed me!" Cohen said.

"No, I didn't." Jack said.

Cohen turned around just in time to see a bouncer stab it's drill into his gut. It spun him around vertically and tossed him up in the air. He landed down on the ground and the bouncer stomped hard on his back, breaking his spinal cord. After the bouncer left, Jack took a photo of Cohen's corpse.

"Add this to your masterpiece, bitch." He said, throwing the photo on his corpse.

Jack searched his pockets and found a key to the other case. He unlocked it and looked inside. He found some machine gun ammo, incendiary bolts and several hearts.

"MM, I love these things." Jack said, eating one of them.

Roach vomited.

"One has to wonder why these things were important to him." Alcatraz said.

"Does this mean we can go back to the submarine thing?" Renko asked.

"Yeah, but first, I wanna loot the freak's room." Jack said.

The team back tracked to the fleet hall theater. The projection booth was now open. Roach grabbed a bottle of moon beam off the shelf.

"Oh god, this stuff is like holy water." He said.

Before he could drink it, Jack snatched it from him and chugged it. He grabbed a tonic on the shelf, which was electric flesh. Renko found an audio diary on the table.

"Andrew Ryan, he treats this city like a puppy. He feeds it, takes it for walks, and teaches it how to mangle a hobo. He looks like Hitler and many people say he acts like Hitler, but in the end, the only resemblance is their impressive pelvis'. Oh how he sings like a whale and dances like a snail, he is a wonderful interior decorator. And don't you dare tell me that this poem does not make sense. For if you do, I will add your heart to my muse case." It said.

Renko tossed the diary out the window. The boys returned to the second Bathysphere station, where the sphere was waiting for them. They all got on, and took seats.

"Mind if I join ya? I'm having a blast in this place." Alcatraz asked.

"Sure, theres plenty of ice to go around." Jack said.

"You have ice? Can I have some to hold against my burning face?" Roach asked.

"Will you just zip it?" Jack asked, swatting him in the face with his wrench.

Alcatraz pulled the lever and the bathysphere descended into the ocean.

"I can't help but wonder why the first bathysphere couldn't take us to Hephaestus." Jack said.

"Atlas seems pretty shifty. It's like hes hiding something." Renko said.

"You mean he's a traitor? Nah, he's too drunk to lie." Jack said.

The bathysphere moved through the transmit system. Roach vomited due to motion sickness.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Hephaestus...

Darius was still hanging from the pillar. His eyes were bloodshot from the lack of sleep.

"_Oh give me a home, where the tacos roam. I've starving to death hanging from this fucking pillar. I could go, for a pizza to go, and maybe a smoothie with fries._" He sang.

"Darius, perhaps we could try to escape ourselves." S.A.M said.

"Oh shut the fuck up, S.A.M! Why can't you just shut up for ten fucking seconds! God, I am going to dismantle you when this is over!" Darius yelled.

"Darius." S.A.M said.

"_I sure could go, for a juicy ham sandwich and some wild fusion pop tarts._" Darius sang.

To be continued...

**My computer has been a fucking pain in the ass. It's been giving me short cases of writer's block. But don't worry, I won't leave you hanging, unlike Darius. I'm also working on some other things, so don't be surprised if I take a while. Because I'm not a SLACKER!**


	12. Roach exterminators

Chapter 12:Roach exterminators

All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner.

**Welcome to 13 trivia! It's a very short game where I ask random questions that you can optionally answer in your review! That is, unless fan fiction net bans me for offering fan participation in my writing. Ah who gives a crap? I've seen lots of other authors do so. Lets begin shall we? In the sequel to **_**Fighting Force**_**, **_**Fighting Force 2**_**, which player character from the original became the only player character in this god awful sequel?**

**A:Mace**

**B:Hawk**

**C:Alana**

**D:Smasher**

**Oh, and don't bother answering in your review. I ain't taking any risk of getting this story deleted. The correct answer is B, Hawk. This poor decision is probably what killed the series. Too bad. Oh well, on to the story.**

The Bathysphere rose into the metro station of Hephaestus.

"And then, after my Aunt Calbernia took off my left thumb, I jumped out of a window and landed in a passing car." Roach said.

On the way to the station, Roach started telling one of his retarded stories. It went on for such a long time that the guys became very bored. As we all know, boredom can lead to sleep. Jack was laying down on the bench, cradling his shotgun like a doll. Alcatraz was spread out on the floor and Renko was sleeping upright on the bench.

"It was in that car I discovered that I did not have electrical powers.." Roach continued.

"Boyo! Get over to the entrance to Ryan's office!" Atlas yelled.

Jack jolted awake, accidentally shooting Roach with his shotgun. Alcatraz also awoke and banged his head on the bench. Renko slowly woke up and fell off the bench.

"Damn it. Anyone got some coffee?" Jack asked.

"This is no time for star bucks boyo! You've got to kill Ryan!" Atlas said.

"Yeah Yeah. We're going." Jack said.

"But what about my story?" Roach asked.

"You can tell it to someone else, like a trash can." Jack said.

Jack and the boys departed from the bathysphere. He stopped at a circus of values to replenish supplies.

"Can you buy me a Pep bar?" Roach asked.

"Do they have any of those cream cake things?" Renko asked.

"Do they have whiskey?" Alcatraz asked.

"For god sakes! Why can't you morons buy your own damn stuff?" Jack asked.

"Because you keep hogging all the money." Renko said.

"...Fine, heres some." Jack said.

Jack threw a single dollar bill on the floor. The others pounced on it like a lion, fighting over it.

"Ha ha! I got it!" Alcatraz said, shortly before Renko blasted him back with an energy wave.

Renko reached for the dollar before Roach before bashed him on the head with his pistol. He grabbed the dollar and quickly purchased a Pep bar. He grabbed it and shook it in everyone's faces.

"You flops have to be faster than that to defeat the Roach!" He said.

Alcatraz punched Roach right in the face before joining Jack and Renko outside the station. Roach caught up with them just in time to see some Houdini splicers running towards them from the other glass tubes. The boys primed their weapons. This was unnecessary however, because the splicers both slipped on a puddle of oil on the floor. Jack ended their humiliation with a single fireball. The splicers were then seen running around like maniacs bathed in fired before their black bodies fell dead to the floor.

"Why do all these fuckers only attack us and not each other?" Jack questioned.

"Because they work for Ryan, boyo." Atlas said.

"I wasn't asking you, you freaking Irish dope." Jack muttered.

The guys traversed the glass tube and entered some kind of factory complex. There were various machines all over the place and there was a table in the center of the room, underneath a large tube.

"Be careful guys, these machines could be danger-" Renko started.

"AARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!" Roach squealed.

Renko turned in the direction of Roach's wails and saw that Roach got his tongue wrapped around a drill. He went over and grabbed Roach by the waist and began pulling back. Surprisingly, Roach's tongue stayed attached and actually pulled the drill off the machine it was attached to.

"What the fuck were you doing?" Renko asked.

"I was trying to lick this spinning lollipop and it tried to pull my tongue off." Roach said.

Jack grabbed an audio diary that was sitting on the machine's table.

"Well, Ryans taken over Fontaine Futuristics. The bastard sneaked his men inside through the use of Cabbage Patch Kid boxes. Apparently, Fontaine is a big fan of those. I'm not sure what happened to Fontaine. He ran to his office faster than you could say ''You spilled me pint of guiness''. He always talked so big, and he acts like a complete bitch when trouble comes. Ryans appropriated the place now, he's gonna turn it into a Mcdonalds. Lets hope they don't start putting plasmids in them happy meals." It said.

"Hey, it was an easy mistake." Roach said.

"Easy? Goofy wouldn't have even done that!" Renko said.

Jack aimed his shotgun over his shoulder and shot a splicer behind him. He slipped a cigarette in his mouth and took a puff of it. He went over to another random machine and grabbed another audio diary.

"I've been scoping the gate for a day now, hehe hehe. It's protected by some kind of electric lock, hehe hehe. I tried blowing it up with a grenade, hehe hehe. But it's much too strong, hehe hehe. Then the guards blew my arm off with shotgun, hehe hehe. I'm hiding under a staircase, hehe hehe. They'll never find me here, hehe hehe. There He Is! (Bang, bang, bang, Bang, thump). It's a good thing he laughs so much, I would have never seen him under there." It said.

"An electro lock huh? Wheres that guy from _Dead Space_ when you need him?" Jack asked.

"Maybe we could get Zeus to help us!" Roach suggested.

"Oh god, here we go..." Jack muttered.

"We're in Hephaestus right? So why don't we go to Zeus and get him to help us?" Roach asked.

"It's just a name dick fink. Hephaestus isn't really here." Jack said.

"Oh yeah? Then who was that guy in the loin cloth hunched over, banging something with a hammer?" Roach asked.

"That was a freaking splicer. He was smashing open a vending machine." Jack said.

"That doesn't mean Hephaestus isn't here." Roach said.

"Roach, Hephaestus is just a fucking fictional character made up by people who exercise naked. He don't exist." Jack said.

"Oh yeah? Then why is this city here?" Roach asked.

"This conversation is over." Jack said.

"But-" Roach started.

"I said this conversation is over!" Jack hissed.

"But-" Roach started.

Jack slammed his wrench down on Roach's head, knocking him out. Suddenly, he heard a clunk sound. He looked at the table in the center of the room and saw a Grenade launcher sitting on the table. He and the others walked up to it and then an RPG round fell out of the pipe as well. Jack happily took them.

"Thanks for the gear, Atlas." Jack said.

"What gear, boyo?" Atlas asked.

"...Oh shit." Jack muttered.

Several spider splicers dropped down from the ceiling. The guys ducked under the table, evading the scythes that were flying overhead. Jack stuck the barrel of his pistol through one of the cracks and blindly shot through it.

"I'll take care of these turkeys." Alcatraz said.

"Don't! You'll get ripped apart!" Renko said.

"Are you kidding? Nothing can penetrate this shit." Alcatraz said, banging on his armor.

Alcatraz stood up, and was immediately hit with 17 scythes before falling to the ground. The scythes stuck into his armor like bee stingers.

"I tried to tell you." Renko said.

Renko used his TMD to turn one of the splicers into this bizarre creature with red bloated skin. It charged at the other splicers and vomited green acid on them, which melted through their thin arms. He used his TMD on it again to make it inflate and exploded into a large gooey mess, killing the rest of them. Alcatraz pulled the scythes out of his armor as Roach woke up with a splicer laying on top of him.

"Ugghhh, get off you freak!" he said, shoving the corpse off him.

"What the hell did you turn that splicer into?" Jack asked Renko.

"I call them ''excess skin'' guys." Renko said.

"I see..." Jack said.

As they moved toward the exit, a camera spotted them. Before it could trigger an alarm, Jack shot it with his pistol without even looking. In the next room, there were several large pillars lined up on the sides of a big door with a switch in front of it. On each pillar was a corpse that was nailed to it like a butterfly. On one pillar, there was a man with brown pants, green tank top and goggles on his forehead. He was chained to it instead, though he looked like he was dead.

"You worms will never be able to kill me. I am Andrew Ryan!" Ryan said over the radio.

"And I am The Zodiac master!" Roach said.

"Roach, shut up." Jack said.

"You'll never be able to get into my office, the switch is protected by an electrical current." Ryan said.

"Oh yeah? Nothing can beat Alcatraz!" Alcatraz said.

Alcatraz grabbed the switch and was electrocuted.

"Looks like you'll have to find a way to shut off the electricity, boyo." Atlas said.

"Thanks captain obvious." Jack said.

"Look around, these pillars are lined with traitors. I will see to it that some pillars are set out for you as well." Ryan said.

"Can mine have Hello Kitty on it?" Roach asked.

"Uhhh, yes." Ryan said.

"AAARRRRGGGHHH! I need to vent my frustration on something!" Jack yelled.

Jack shot one of the corpses on the pillars and an audio diary fell out of it's pocket.

"Ryan's going down tonight. We're launching an attack on his office. We got an automobile, a bull, and a wheelbarrow with a machine gun mounted on it. Sure, it's not much, but them Indians slaughtered hundreds of frontiers men with just arrows, why can't we do the same? It's not like Ryan's gonna pin me to a pillar or something." It said.

"These aren't bodies, their pinatas!" Jack said.

He swatted another one with his wrench and it dropped another audio diary.

"Damn it! The frigging doors are locked. How in tarnation am I going to get them open? I think I'll head on over to heat loss monitering. That creepy Kyburz fella seems like hes cooking up something for that door." It said.

"That sounds like a lead boyo. Better head on over there." Atlas said.

"In a minute." Jack said.

"Hey look! I found this neat clock on one of those corpses!" Roach said, holding up a bomb.

"Oh shit! Roach! Get rid of that thing!" Jack yelled.

"Why? It's such a nice clock." Roach said, walking towards Jack.

Jack swatted the bomb out of Roach's hands and shoved him on the ground. He moved him right on top of the bomb and held him on top of it. A muffled explosion shot smoke out from underneath him.

"This dude looks like he might have some ammo on him." Renko said.

Renko just barely touched the leg of the guy in the tank top. Suddenly, the man lifted up his head and screamed, shocking everyone and causing Jack to shoot him in the leg.

"Thank God! You've finally come to kill me! Just get it over with! I can't stand the pain anymore!" The man said.

"We aren't with that guy." Renko said.

"You might as well be. Just shoot me before I die of hunger already!" The man said.

"Darius, perhaps we may ask these men to assist us." S.A.M said.

"Oh shut up! I'm sick of hearing your voice!" Darius said.

"You know, we might be able to get some more jokes in if we add him to our party." Jack said.

"Party shmarty! Just shoot me!" Darius yelled.

Jack shot both of Darius' chains, which sent him face first to the floor.

"Whats the point of living if you can't even eat!" He asked.

"I still have an extra Pep bar." Roach said, still laying on the floor.

Darius sprang to his feet and snatched the pep bar out of Roach's hand. He shoved the whole thing in his mouth, not even unwrapping it. He swallowed it whole, creating a huge bulge in his throat which he somehow forced down.

"Food I love food! And I'm really in the mood!" He said happily.

Unknown to the guys, a large spark was welding it's way through a nearby shutter door. It finally made it's entire way around and the door fell to the ground. 2 splicers jumped into the room. Darius looked at them in the meanest face he could muster. He unsheathed his fancy sledge hammer and charged at them.

"YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!" He screamed.

He slammed his sledge hammer down hard on one of the splicer's head, smashing it like a pumpkin. Then he swung it horizontally at the second one, smashing in his ribs. The splicer fell to the ground, where Darius kept smashing him with his hammer for a full twenty minutes. Jack snuck around him and looked in the room behind the shutter. It was a bunkroom, most likely for employees. He searched a nearby desk and found an audio diary.

"Fontaine. Is he a man or a parasite? It's hard to say. Parasites look like fleas and he looks only a bit like one. Perhaps I should have a new word for him, like manparasite or manasite or paraman. Yes, he is a paraman." It said.

Jack almost missed the tonic that was sitting on the desk. It was Frozen field 2. He opened the safe under the desk and found some women's underwear in it, which he stuffed in his vest. He went back to the big room to find Darius smashing a big puddle of blood. Roach was trying to pull one of the bodies off it's hook, Renko was drawing on one of the pillars with chalk, and Alcatraz was doing pull-ups on another hook.

"Hey, roid monster! I think you got him!" Jack said to Darius.

"Yeah, I guess I did. I need to conserve my strength for smashing other freaks." Darius said.

"This body would make an excellent ventriloquist dummy." Roach said.

"I'm bored, I wanna kill some more turkeys!" Alcatraz said.

Alcatraz swung down from the hook and sprinted through the shutter door.

"Hey, wait up!" Jack said, taking off after him.

Jack, Roach, Renko, and Darius went through another door and ended up in a small water filled corridor. Alcatraz had just killed some splicers that were looting the body of a big daddy.

"This big hunk of metal was carrying 100 dollars." He said.

"So what? I have around 2000." Jack said.

"You guys still use money? I use salvage." Darius said.

Darius smashed the husk of the bouncer and collected it's metal. They left the corridor and came to a long platform that wrapped around this rock in the middle. There were stairs that lead up and control panels. Roach went over to one of them and started messing with it.

"Roach, be careful, you might break something!" Jack cautioned.

"Don't worry, I'm an expert at mechanics. I'll stay here and provide support from these controls." Roach said.

Roach pulled a lever and an explosion shook the facility.

"I told you!" Jack said.

Roach picked up some weird canister and threw it at Jack. He ducked and the canister hit Renko instead.

"What the hell was that for?" Jack asked.

"...I don't know." Roach said.

"One quart of ionic fuel? What the hell is this stuff?" Renko asked, examining the container.

Jack opened his mouth and was about to say something when a loud roar was heard. 2 splicers came running down the staircase leading upstairs.

"Run Jimmey! We ticked him off!" The one in front yelled.

"You didn't have to pee on his foot!" The in the back yelled.

A bouncer with a little sister trailing behind him charged down the stairs with his drill. He stabbed both of the careless splicers through their backs in a row. He pounded them into the wall and spun his drill, causing them to spin around like that tard earlier in the game. The bouncer let them fly off his drill and they flew through the air before flying into the rock wall and then crumbled to the ground, dead.

"You freaking rock titans think you own the place? Well your WRONG!" Darius yelled.

Darius charged at the bouncer and bashed him with his hammer, denting his armor. The bouncer swatted him away and sent him crashing through a glass pane that 2 guys were carrying across the room. Renko threw the canister at the Bouncer's feet and pulled out his Centurion. After a dramatic pause and several camera angle flips, he fired a bullet at the canister. It merely plinked off it like it was a wall.

"That stuff isn't explosive? Thats bullshit." Renko said.

The bouncer stabbed Renko with his drill and spun him around on it. He flew off and was thrown onto a table of broken glass.

"Why the fuck is all this glass on here?" He moaned.

Roach sprayed the bouncer with his UMP45. The bouncer charged at him with his drill raised. Roach slipped on a can of WD40 and fell down, narrowly dodging the drill. The bouncer plunged it's drill into the console Roach was working on. Blue sparks surround the bouncer as it shook from the electrical charge.

The machine shorted out and the bouncer's arms fell limp. A bing sound was heard and the bouncer's helmet opened, revealing a plate of Pizza. Jack put on a big oven mitt and picked it up. After blowing on it, he took a bite.

"Mmm. This isn't half bad." He said.

"Time to die little bitch!" Darius yelled, raising his hammer above the little sister.

The little sister screamed. Jack grabbed the little sister by the arm and pulled her aside. Darius plunged his hammer into the canister of ionic fuel, spraying it on his hammer.

"Blue blood? This bitches must be aliens." He said.

Darius licked some of it off his hammer .

"Mmm. Taste like a blueberry slush." He said.

Jack rubbed his hand against the little sister's forehead and flashed. He set her down and she ran off.

"You kind man, I could kiss you!" Tenenbaum said over the radio.

"Uuuggggghh. I'll pass. I have this thing about kissing women over 40." Jack said.

"Hmph. You will find another gift by the gatherer's garden machine. And I'll have you know that I am 34!" Tenenbaum said.

"Thanks, now if I only knew where that machine is." Jack said.

"Hey guys, I think the place is on fire!" Roach panic'd.

"Fire? Who cares? We're on the bottom of the fucking ocean." Jack said.

"Then why is this massive fire over here?" Roach asked.

The guys followed the hall around until they saw an opening in the rock wall, where an immense red light shined from the lava below.

"This must be what powers the city." Renko said.

"Who gives a shit?" Jack asked.

"I wish one of those turkeys was around. I'd love to throw one down there." Alcatraz said.

Jack looked left and saw a Power to the people machine at the top of a ramp. He happily lead the guys up there.

"My daddy always uses ADAM." A gatherer's garden machine said.

"AAAHHHHH!" Darius screamed, attacking it with his hammer.

Darius destroyed both of the little sister statues beside the machine, though was unable to destroy the machine itself. Fortunately, he missed the real little sister that set a present down by the machine. While Jack upgraded his machine gun, Roach picked up the present and shook it.

"I hope it's a Hello Kitty AK-47." He said.

Roach set the box down and ripped it open. He pulled out a massive jar of ADAM.

"What the hell? Who got blood for Christmas?" He asked.

Jack picked up the,still intact, head of one of the little sister statues and thrust it upon Roach's head. He shoved Roach down the ramp, rolling and collected the spoils. It was 200 ADAM, RPG shells, and some Trap bolts. He also spied an audio diary next to the machine.

"Fontaine said something about calling in an assassin to take care of Ryan. He didn't offer much detail, but he's a clever guys so I'm just gonna leave it up to him. He did say that-" The audio diary started.

"Boyo! It's rigged to blow! Get rid of it!" Atlas yelled.

Jack tossed the audio diary over the railing and into the lava below.

"Jeez, since when did they start bombing audio diaries?" Jack asked

"Ryan's sabotaged a few of them. Most of the ones that have to do with that Fontaine fellow. You'd be wise to avoid those ones, boyo." Atlas said.

"Hey guys, I can't see!" Roach said, stumbling around.

Jack went up to Roach and smashed the little sister head in half with his wrench.

"OOOHHH! Whats this thing?" Renko asked.

Jack went to the other side of the ramp and saw Renko pressing his face against a Vita chamber.

"It's like a checkpoint, but it tries to have some logic." Jack said.

Jack spotted another audio diary near the chamber.

"Fontaine is gone, but he sure is hell ain't-" It started.

Heeding Atlas' warning, Jack tossed that diary in the lava as well. He turned around and bought some shit at the gatherer's garden. Then he and the guys continued searching the place. He found another audio diary on a desk.

"Rapture is unique. You can't build a city in a volcano, you can't build one in the sky, well, except in _Bioshock Infinite_. And it would be impossible to build a city under the ocean anywhere else. Why? Because I placed Rapture smack dab on top of a massive geothermal vent complex. The only one big enough to power an entire city. Sure, many fish have died as a result and the energy could have powered some many other things for nations, but who cares? I'm saving money. I can finally afford to purchase my own private bathysphere." It said.

Soon, the guys passed by a door marked "workshop".

"It's Santa's workshop! Now I can see what he makes me for Christmas!" Roach squealed.

"How did you ever become a soldier?" Alcatraz asked.

Jack found another audio diary by the door.

"Hey Luigi. We are running low on R-34s. You forgot what they are? They are those weird boxes on the backs of those creepy bouncers that have wires in them. Ryan has confiscated most of them and is using them to power his hot tub. I need you to rip some out of the extras. Don't be a coward, just disconnect it when they aren't looking." It said.

To the left of the workshop entrance was another circus of values machine.

"I going to buy a present for Santa at that machine with the clown on it." Roach said.

Roach went up to the machine and something fell out of it.

"Hey, it's another one of those fancy clocks!" Roach said, holding up another bomb.

Jack, Renko, Darius, and Alcatraz dove for cover behind various items.

"What? Why are you all-" Roach started before the bomb went off.

Roach was thrown into a nearby pipe, which broke from the force and Roach plummeted down it.

"Hes gone. Quick, lets hurry up and finish the chapter before he comes back!" Jack said.

Jack and the boys entered the heat loss monitoring door. They were in a long hallway, littered with machines on the walls, canisters, and bodies.

"It's very unreasonable of them to make their employee's walk this much." Renko said.

"Who cares, maybe they can get segways here." Jack said.

Jack took a step forward and the lights went off. A loud metallic clang sound was heard along with a big thump.

"MOTHERFUCKING GAS CYLINDERS!" Jack yelled.

The lights came back on. Jack was sitting on the floor along with a fallen gas cylinder.

"I am going to find whoever turned out the lights and I am going to rip his spine out!" Jack hissed, making a ripping gesture.

"Say, I thought there were bodies there." Darius said.

The bodies that were laying on the floor were gone.

"They probably got eaten by some hungry zombie dog or some other carnivorous beast." Alcatraz said.

"Zombie dogs? This isn't _Resident Evil_. They're probably still alive and planning an ambush ahead." Jack said.

"Ambush shambush. We can slaughter anything!" Alcatraz said.

"That's the spirit! Smash every organic thing in site!" Darius said.

The guys moved forward in the hall. A loud banging sound came from the pipe on the ceiling. Soon, they came to another batch of bodies. Suddenly, the lights went out again.

"Which one of you is feeling me up?" Jack asked, agitated.

"I was just trying to get some money from that massive stash of yours." Renko said.

"...I was joking." Jack said.

The lights came back on and Renko was holding Jack's wallet, which was almost overflowing with money. Again, the bodies were gone. Renko handed Jack his wallet back and they moved forward again. Loud noises came from the pipe above.

"They got some big ass rats." Alcatraz said.

Right before they reached the other end of the hall, the lights went out again. Shortly after that, they came back on again. The once empty floor was now filled with the bodies from before. All of them sprang up and posed to attack, then they realized that Jack and the others weren't there anymore.

"Where did the little sprockets g-" One of them started.

A massive hail of gunfire struck all of the splicers from behind. Their bodies fell to the floor, finally dead. Jack and the others stood behind them, guns smoking.

"I knew they'd miss us if we walked behind them in the dark." Jack said.

The boys entered the heat loss monitoring. More loud noises plagued the pipe above them.

"What the hell is making that damn noise?" Jack asked.

Suddenly, the pipe collapsed and Roach plummeted onto Jack.

"Oh hi guys. I got stuck in this weird pipe thing. It had wires in it. Luckily I cut them out of the way with my knife." Roach said.

"Wires? Your the reason the lights went out?" Jack demanded.

Jack threw his hands around Roach's neck and squeezed it like it was a pillow pet. As Roach's face started turning blue, he noticed a Bouncer about to lift a little sister into a vent. He weakly pointed at it.

"Boun...Cer..." Roach mumbled.

"Keep talking, you'll choke faster." Jack said.

"Hey Jack, theres a Bouncer over there!" Renko said.

Jack glanced over his right shoulder and spotted the bouncer. Grabbing Roach's chest with one hand, he lifted him over his head and tossed him at the bouncer. Roach knocked the little sister out of his hands and ended up in the bouncer's arms.

"I need a hug mommy!" Roach said, pretending to be a doll.

The bouncer's eyes turned red and jammed Roach into the sister vent painfully. Jack emptied his machine gun at it. The bullets just plinked off it's armor. The bouncer charged at Jack and swatted him aside. It did the same to Renko, Alcatraz and Darius too.

Jack crawled underneath a nearby desk. The bouncer picked up Alcatraz by the feet and repeatedly slammed him down on top of the desk.

"Hey! (slam) What the-(slam) Hell are you (slam) doing? (slam)." Alcatraz said.

Darius rushed up to the back of the bouncer. He yelled and kept banging his hammer against it's back, doing little damage. The bouncer swatted him away with his makeshift club, sending him headfirst into a guard rail, denting it.

Renko picked up a barrel with his TMD and threw it at the bouncer. The bouncer swung Alcatraz back into it, batting it back at Renko which hit him over the head and knocking him out. Meanwhile, Jack was able to reach a hand welding out from under the desk. He put on a welder's mask and welded the bouncer's feet to the floor.

The bouncer tossed Alcatraz away and lifted the desk off the ground. Jack quickly scampered out from under it. The bouncer was about to pursue, but it's feet were stuck right to the floor.

"Whats the matter? I'm over here." Jack taunted.

The bouncer roared as it struggled to get free. Jack went over to the little sister and set her free. He set her down and tried to get into the vent, but it was blocked.

"Sorry honey, but this vent is occupied." Roach said, his head, hands, and feet sticking out of the vent.

"Get out of there dumbass." Jack said.

Jack grabbed Roach's hands and pulled on them. Roach refused to budge.

"Well, I guess we'll have to leave you here." Jack said.

"You can't! You'll need my superior tactical abilities to proceed!" Roach said.

"Still, without your dumbass screw ups, this story wouldn't be as half as funny." Jack said.

Jack kicked Alcatraz in the head, waking him up.

"Wake up, tin man. I need your super human strength." Jack said.

Jack pointed to Roach and Alcatraz went over to him. He grabbed Roach by his feet and pulled him out of the vent in a second. Roach was stuck in a position where he was bent over his legs with his back.

"I can't get up! I'm stuck!" he said.

"I'll fix ya right up." Alcatraz said.

Alcatraz grabbed Roach by his head and foot and painfully snapped Roach's upper torso back down on the floor, straightening him.

"Thanks, I feel better than a jack rabbit who got caught in a turtle shell." Roach said.

"...I'm not even going to ask." Jack said.

Jack woke up the others and found an audio diary in the corner.

"That idiota Kyburz keeps leaving his door unlocked. I yelled at him to lock it. Then he put the combination as 1111. I scolded him to use a more complex combination. Then he told me that he set it to his favorite holiday, Australia day. I am completely confused why that would be his favorite holiday, but he reset the door code so it's fine with me." It said.

"Anyone know when Australia day is?" jack asked.

" Nope." Roach said.

"Never went to high school." Alcatraz said.

"I was born in New Jersey." Renko said.

"We don't use Roman calenders on Mars." Darius said.

"You guys are a large inventory of information." Jack said.

"Really?" Roach asked.

"No." Jack said.

Jack lead them down a staircase where they entered the monitoring area. There was an office section downstairs to the left, and a flooded area down the stairs to the right. Some spider splicers jumped down from the ceiling, but Jack just shot the oil drum behind them and blew them both up. As Jack looked over the railing into the water filled area, some ghosts appeared. One was on the catwalk he was on, the other was in the flooded area.

"Damn it Jason! Just fix the damn wires already!" The one on the catwalk said.

"I'm doing it you shit face! Just shut the fuck up and don't touch the breaker box!" The one in the flooded area said.

"You mean this one?" The one on the catwalk asked, pointing to a breaker box.

"Yes, dumb ass. That one!" The one in the flooded area said.

"Fine, you don't have to be a fucking asshole about it!" The one on the catwalk yelled.

The ghost on the catwalk leaned against the wall and pulled out a bottle of soda. He pulled the cap off and it shot out. Some of it got on the fuse box and it started sparking.

"Uh Oh." The one on the catwalk said.

"What the fuck did you do Nooooooooo!" the one in the flooded area said.

"Sorry Jason. It was an accident." The one on the catwalk said.

The ghost in the flooded area twitched along with the sparks that surrounded him. The one on the catwalk just simply walked away. Then, they vanished.

"Jeez. That was a long hallucination." Jack said.

"How did that area get flooded anyway?" Renko asked.

"Who knows, probably leaky pipes. Roach, check it out." Jack said.

"Okay." Roach said.

"Shouldn't we disable the-" Darius started before Jack clamped his hand over his mouth.

Roach started down the stairs, humming the stairs song. The stopped on the last step and gently lowered his left foot in. When it touched the water by an atom, blue electric sparks surrounded his body and he was shaking like crazy. Jack lit a cigarette as he watched the fireworks.

"Don't worry, I'll save you!" Darius said.

Darius grabbed Roach's hand and he too was surrounded by sparks.

"My suit is electric proof. I can pull em loose." Alcatraz said.

Alcatraz grabbed Darius' hand and he was also surrounded by blue sparks. Renko started moving towards the breaker box, but Jack stopped him.

"Where do you think your going?" He asked.

"I have to save them." Renko said

"Hey, this is comedy material. The fans love it." Jack said.

"They'll die without help!" Renko said.

"You ain't touching that box." Jack said.

"Whos gonna stop me? You? I have the power of time on my side! You will perish beneath my-" Renko started before a wrench hit over the head and fell over unconscious.

Finally, the strain of all the electricity caused the breaker box to melt and the electricity shut off. The guys fell to the floor, exhausted. Jack went down to the flooded area. Roach grabbed his foot.

"Help...me." He said weakly.

CLANG!

After dropping the heaviest First aid Kit he was holding on Roach's head, Jack took the audio diary that was laying on the desk.

"You know during the cold war, the U.S and U.S.S.R...sorry, I just think it's stupid that 2 nations with the same first 2 letters would be rivals. Anyway, you know how they were stocking up nukes? They called that an arms race. And you know what? Thats happening down here. Well, we aren't using nukes, because they would just blow the entire city up. Instead, we're using slushies. Wait a minute, I meant Plasmids and tonic. Sorry, they just look so damn alike, but they sure don't taste the same. Damn it, I keep getting side tracked! Anyway, Fontaine and Ryan are producing Plasmids and other genetic shit like a male and female hamster keep crapping out babies. In fact, they've completely ignored all other economic standards, like banks and food. I'm starving." It said.

Jack looked at the bottom of the exposed wires. Below them laid the charred corpse of the splicer who was in the flooded area. A look of misery was on his face. Jack opened the drawer of the desk and found some paint. Taking a brush, he dabbed it in some colors and started wiping it on the corpse's face. After several minutes, the corpse now had a painted on face of a happy clown.

Happy, Jack turned around and walked over the bodies of his unconscious allies. He went down the other set of stairs into the office area. There was a tonic on the desk and an audio diary that was surrounded by the mystical golden aura of spiritual progression...which is what Jack called the weird way point system. He picked it up.

"Finally, my big break! That weird little imp guy, Kyburz, showed me his latest creation. It was a cylinder shaped piece of metal! I know it wasn't very exciting at first, but then he told me it was an EMP bomb. He said he was going to use it to get into Ryan's office and kill him. Then he was going to be king of Atlantis. I thought that would be a retarded reason to kill someone of that stature. Then, I got a brilliant plan! What if I killed him, used the bomb myself, then I kill Ryan. Then I would be king of Atlantis! Now that is a bitchin plan! I just have to remember where he keeps the bomb. Let's see, I think it was in the workshop area, but I can't remember where. Damn, my memory hasn't been what it used to be after I had sex with that hooker named Jasmine." It said.

Suddenly, a new objective appeared on screen.

"Locate Kyburz's secret workshop." It said.

"Great, now I have to go all the way back to the fucking hub." Jack said.

Jack picked up the tonic on the desk and found out it was security evasion 2. He put it in his gene bank, not impressed with it's effects. He turned around and saw that the guys were still unconscious.

"Will you guys get up already? It was just some fucking electricity." Jack said.

The guys didn't move. Jack walked over to Darius' unconscious body and kicked him in the head.

"Hey, baldy. Wake up!" Jack said impatiently.

Jack went down into the flooded area and grabbed some water with his hands. He dumped it all on Darius' face. He didn't even wince.

"Are these guys having extended nightmare sequences or something?" Jack asked.

Jack moved in closer to Darius' face.

"HEY!" Jack yelled in his loudest possible voice.

Darius still lay there motionless. Jack lit a cigarette and held it under Darius' nose to see if it would revive him. It didn't. Jack had only one alternative left. He pulled out his pistol and shot Darius in the leg. Darius flipped around and held his leg.

"Jesus! What the fuck was that for?" Darius asked.

"For having an extended nightmare sequence without me." Jack said.

Jack shot all his other allies in their legs to wake them up as well. After listening to them whine about the pain and explaining to them why he did it, they went back upstairs. They passed by the bouncer, who was still welded to the floor. Roach teased it by holding a candy bar just out of it's reach. Unfortunately, he was unaware how long it could reach and it snapped his arm off. But don't worry, it grew right back.

Meanwhile, at the metro...

The bathysphere rose out of the water once again. It's glass door opened to reveal Blotch, Floogal and Pickle. Blotch had a Tommy gun while Floogal packed a shotgun.

"We sure got the better of that vending machine. Someone must have already hacked it." Blotch said.

"Aye we did. We can kick some serious ass with these bitches!" Floogal said.

"I just bought a bunch of Med kits with my dough." Pickle said.

"Why are you even still following us? You got your money." Blotch said.

"I thought I was part of the gang. You know? Like the 3 musketeers." Pickle said.

"He's right Blotch. We are kind of like a little team." Floogal said.

"Fine. We're a bloody team. Now lets get a move on. That Ryan guy said there are some saboteurs in this sector. He'd pay a pretty penny to the ones who skins em." Blotch said.

"They'll be no match for my magic!" Pickle said.

"Plasmids, you lousy dope." Blotch corrected.

The 3 splicers started down the corridor, unaware of the adversaries they would face...

Back to the gang...

Jack and the boys went back to the central core. Jack purchased some tonic slots with the ADAM he had.

"Why does everything need a slot? Why can't they just let you equip everything at once?" Renko asked.

"Beats me. They've been pulling shit like that since _Final Fantasy 7_." Alcatraz said.

"That reminds me, where the hell did they get the idea for that stupid Materia system?" Jack asked.

"Some guy probably drilled a bunch of holes in his gun and added some jewels to it." Roach said.

"Well, no sense jabbering on about game mechanics, lets get to that damn workshop." Jack said.

"Yay! Santa's workshop!" Roach squealed.

Jack hit Roach in the head with his wrench and the guys proceeded up a staircase.

"You sure you know where your going?" Alcatraz asked.

"Of course I do. The waypoint arrow is never-" Jack started before he walked right into the backside of a bouncer.

The bouncer got angry and swatted Jack down the stairs, plowing through everyone.

"What the fuck man? I didn't even hit you!" Jack yelled.

The bouncer charged down the stairs and the boys scattered. Roach hid under a chair. Renko slipped behind the gatherer's garden machine. Alcatraz activated his cloak. Darius ran back into the heat loss hallway. Jack threw a target dummy down behind him and shot a proximity mine on it. The bouncer charged right into it and the mine exploded.

Roach threw a grenade at the bouncer and exploded into a bright flash.

"Damn, wrong one." He said.

The bouncer rushed over to Roach's position, whom barely rolled out from under the chair in time before the bouncer stomped on it. Roach took off running and slammed right into Alcatraz, who was just standing in the middle of the room. Then, Roach ran again and tried to slip behind the gatherer's garden machine. Then, Renko shoved him out.

"Go find your own place to cower in." Renko said.

The bouncer stood over Roach, who was laying on the floor. Renko quickly pulled his head back behind the machine. Suddenly, Darius charged out of the heat loss hallway, hammer raised. Before he could land a blow, the bouncer swatted him. He flew right back into the heat loss hallway.

It looked back at the ground and noticed Roach was gone. Then it heard a metallic noise. It went down the walkway a little further and saw Roach, on the floor, trying to force his body into a small waste bin. So far, he only got his head inside. The bouncer grabbed Roach's leg and lifted him off the ground, bin still on head.

"Sorry I'm late. I was in the mood for cream cake." Jack said, with cream on his mouth.

Jack aimed his grenade launcher at the bouncer and punted a frag at it's back. The resulting explosion not only blew off it's massive tanks, it also blew off most of it's backside. With little left holding it up, the bouncer collapsed. Jack then went off to look for the little sister. Roach pulled the bin off his head.

"Wow, I can't think of anything stupid to say." Roach said.

Meanwhile, Renko slipped out from behind the machine. As he walked by the heat loss doors, they opened. With lightning reflexes, he drew his Centurion and fired several shots into the doorway.

"Whoops." Renko said.

Darius stood in the doorway, clutching his shoulder.

"What the fuck was that!" He loudly demanded.

"Sorry, I thought you were a mutant." Renko said.

"Do I really look like a mutant!" Darius demanded.

"Well, kind of." Renko said.

Just then, a healed little sister ran by the guys.

"Die you motherfucking bitch!" Darius yelled, hammer raised.

Renko lifted his Centurion and shot Darius in the other shoulder.

"What the fuck!" Darius yelled.

"You were trying to kill me man!" Renko yelled.

"I was trying to kill that ridiculously adorable little girl behind you!" Darius yelled.

"What adorable little girl?" Renko asked.

"Shes gone now, thanks to you!" Darius yelled.

Jack walked past both of them, unfazed.

"Maybe you should go to a mental hospital." Renko said.

"Maybe you should be demoted!" Darius yelled.

"Darius, I believe we should proceed to the workshop." S.A.M said.

"Shut up!" Darius yelled, smacking S.A.M against the wall.

Meanwhile, Jack, Alcatraz and Roach had already proceeded to the Workshop area. There were a bunch of lockers in the corner near the stairs.

"I'm gonna hit the U-invent." Jack said.

"I invent what?" Roach asked.

"Roach, do me a favor and lock yourself inside one of those lockers." Jack said.

"Oh, okay." Roach said.

Roach opened one of the lockers and 200 bags of potato chips fell on him.

"Damn, someone around here loves their Doritos." Alcatraz said.

Roach stuck his head out of the pile.

"I'm sure this next locker is empty." He said.

He opened the next locker and more potato chips fell out. Jack came back from around the corner and stared at the massive pile of Chips.

"Is the potato chip fairy around here somewhere?" Jack asked.

"You believe in her too?" Roach asked from under the pile.

Roach popped up out of the pile, holding an open bag and eating it's contents. The chips inside were green.

"How old are those things?" Jack asked.

"I don't know. All it said on the bag is the year 1943." Roach said.

Jack turned around in disgust and saw an audio diary on a desk.

"Hehehe. My contraption is almost finished. Hehehe. Soon, I will use it to power down Ryan's security. Hehehe. Then, I will go inside and bring down my holy golf club upon his head. Hehehe. Then, I will become new king of Atlantis! Hehehe. Then I shall rape all the innocent Nymphs! Heheheh. Then they shall give birth to hundreds of aquatic Kyburzs. Yes! I am genius!" It said.

"Must have been inspired by that weird half naked thing from _Lord of the Rings_." Jack said.

"Say...Where are those other 2 rude guys?" Roach asked.

"Huh. I never noticed they were missing." Jack said.

"Maybe it's because they have so few speaking roles." Alcatraz said.

The door behind the guys opened. Jack spun around with his gun drawn and saw Darius choking Renko.

"Now whos the mental one!" Darius taunted.

Jack grabbed Darius and Alcatraz grabbed Renko. They pulled them apart from each other.

"There. Problem solved." Jack said.

Then Renko tackled Darius. Jack sighed.

"Forget, lets just move on to the next room." Jack said.

Jack started down the staircase and narrowly dodged gunfire from 2 turrets downstairs.

"Hey Roach, come over here. I want to use you as a human shield." Jack asked.

"Oh hell no!" Roach said, hiding in the pile of chip bags.

"I think I could just make myself invisible and break them with-" Alcatraz started.

Before Al could finish, Jack grabbed Darius and Renko and shoved them down the staircase. The turrets opened fire on them immediately. Jack put a new mag into his machine gun.

"That wasn't very nice." Roach said.

"Would you like to join them, potato chip man?" Jack asked.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-" Roach droned on.

Forgetting about the question, Jack rolled down the staircase and blasted the turrets with AP ammo. The exploded, throwing debris all over the room. Jack looked to the right to see the crumbled forms of Renko and Darius, riddled with bullet holes.

"I can't feel my cornea." Renko said.

"Sorry guys, I'm no doctor." Jack said.

"But I am!" Someone said.

Jack looked left and saw a Doctor from _Team Fortress 2_. He was holding a long gun connected to a tank on his back. He aimed it at the wounded and shot a red beam at them. The bullet holes disappeared within seconds.

"I can also make you temporarily invulnerable." The doctor said.

"Really? Sweet!" Jack said.

Roach slowly trundled down the stairs.

"_1 2 3 4 5 and_ AAAAAAAHHHHHH! IT's a ghost!" Roach panicked, pulling out his UMP45.

"Wait, hes not-" Jack started.

It was too late. Roach emptied his entire magazine at the doctor. He was filled with bullet holes and fell to the ground dead.

"No need to thank me." Roach said.

Jack tightened his wrench around Roach's nose and turned it, causing intense pain. Roach crumbled to the ground, where he lay next to a bullet riddled corpse. Jack searched it's pockets for an audio diary.

"Since I was little boy, hehehe, I wanted to become king of Atlantis. Hehehe, but Ryan not give up his throne, hehehe. Kyburz not like this, so he plan to do something about it. Hehehe, that how I came up with new idea! Kyburz can build bomb to disable door lock. Hehehe, then Ryan defenseless. Then I kill him! Hehehe, then I replace currency with cigarettes! And women no longer wear clothing! Hehehe and monkeys ride unicycles! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEGE!" It said.

"I don't know whats worse. Beavis and Butthead or this guy." Jack said.

"Jesus. I had a dream that some weird ugly bald woman in a white dress revived us from death." Darius said.

Upon seeing Darius, Renko blasted him with his TMD's shockwave. Darius was thrown under the staircase and smashed through a small door.

"A secret passage way. Theres always something cool in secret passages." Jack said.

Jack pulled Darius out of the doorway and crawled inside. Roach followed.

"Watch it, thats my ass dickwad." Jack hissed.

"Theres not a lot of room to move around in here." Roach said.

"Really? Let me make it easier for you." Jack said.

Jack shoved his Shotgun barrel behind him and blew Roach in the arm.

"There, I made you smaller." Jack said.

"I'll make it easier for you too." Roach said.

Roach stabbed Jack in his foot with his knife. Jack kicked him in the face with his other foot.

"Just turn around and leave the crawling to me." Jack said.

"It's too tight to turn around." Roach said.

"Here, let me help you." Jack said.

Jack pressed his foot against Roach's face and shoved him out of the crawlspace, landing on Darius. Jack continued further into the crawlspace and located another audio diary.

"I don't know why I know this, but the code for the Farmer's Market maintenance room is 4503." It said.

"Well, this would be useful about 4 chapters ago!" Jack said.

"Alright, now kiss and make up." Roach said to Darius and Renko.

Darius and Renko pulled each other in closer and actually kissed. Alcatraz snapped a picture of it with his visor. Jack crawled back out through the Crawlspace entrance. Roach smiled happily at his work.

"Well, there wasn't anything HOLY SHIT!" Jack yelled when he saw Renko and Darius.

"Isn't it beautiful?" Roach asked.

Roach might have gotten his answer when Roach vomited the remains of his cream cake all over his head. After that Jack tore the weird couple apart and slammed his head against the wall several times to get the image out of his head.

"Never do that again!" He yelled.

"But why? It's true love." Roach said.

Jack kneed Roach in the groin and smacked the back of his head with his elbow. After that, they all went around the corner and into another workshop.

"Are there any windows around here? I'm burning up." Roach said.

"We're on a freaking geothermal vent you idiot. What did you expect? Ice cream?" Jack asked.

"Ice cream! Where?" Roach asked.

"In there." Jack said, pointing to an open locker.

Roach squeezed himself inside and Jack slammed the door shut behind him. Roach rattled around inside.

"Hey, there isn't any ice cream in here!" Roach said.

"We know dumbass." Jack said.

"Say, could one of you guys let me out? I'm claustrophobic." Roach asked.

Jack ignored Roach's pleas and lead the rest of the team further in the room.

"Okay, the weird hobbit guy said that theres a secret lab in here somewhere." Jack said.

"Maybe theres a super secret vault door!" Renko said.

Renko started moving stuff that was on the desks, including a lamp, football trophy, vibrator, Wii, poodle statue, and a big bundle of dynamite.

"What the hell are you doing?" Alcatraz asked.

"I'm trying to find the hidden lever that opens the vault." Renko said.

"We don't need a frigging lever." Darius said.

Darius slammed his hammer hard against the wall, not even scratching it.

"What the fuck?" Darius asked himself.

Darius pulled out his magnet gun and put anchors on a nearby bookshelf and the wall. They threw the bookshelf right onto him. He threw the various copies of Area 51 off him and aimed S.A.M at the wall. He shot a narrow blue shockwave at the wall, which exploded throwing everything to the floor. The wall still stood.

"What the hell is this damn wall made of? Mythril?" He asked.

He resumed pounding on it with his hammer. Renko was reading one of the area 51 novels.

"I'll just use my nanovision to locate that stupid lab." Alcatraz said.

Al turned around and walked right into another book shelf and it fell on him. Jack noticed a small wooden door behind it. Roach came up behind him.

"Look! It's a hobbit door!" He said.

"How the fuck did you get out of the locker?" Jack asked.

"An earthquake knocked it over." Roach said.

Jack looked angrily at Darius, who was still pounding the wall. Jack went over to the small door and slid it open. He beckoned the rest of the gang to follow him. Inside was an area that had walls of machinery. Further in was a small room. To the right was a tonic and an audio diary. To the left was a big cylinder metal casing.

"Someone was building a rocket here! That must be the nose cone!" Roach said, oblivious.

Jack picked up the weird object and placed it over Roach's head. He fell over and rolled around in it. Jack grabbed the tonic (Damage research) and the diary.

"Yes, hehehehehehehehehe. My device is almost finished. Just need few more components. First, I need Nitroglycerine charge. Is locked in office, I was going to use it as ice cream topping. Next, 4 wire things from backs of big daddies. This will be difficult, as I have no weapons. Finally, 2 cans of weird blue liquid. After that, jam everything in massive cylinder and place at core. Then Ryan will be like a naked child, waiting to be raped. ." It said.

Jack had to wait a second for his ear to clear up from all the retarded laughing at the end.

"Looks like you have a scavenger hunt to complete boyo." Atlas said.

"Theres something we got to take care of first." Jack said.

"And what would that be, boyo?" Atlas asked.

"Roach got his head stuck in the cylinder thing." Jack said.

"Did not! You jammed me in it!" Roach whined.

Jack hit the cylinder with his wrench and it vibrated like a bell.

To be continued...

**Sorry this took so long. I had to send my computer to a repair shop. Oh well, I'm still not a SLACKER!**


	13. Jinkies!

Chapter 13:Jinkies!

All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner.

**You know what I was thinking about? Publishing these stories into actual books. Sure, it sounds awesome, but theres a potential problem. Most people wouldn't understand any of my jokes. If I did publish them, I'd have to change my style, and that is not going to happen. Then I also had an idea of animating my stories, but I can't find a site to host free voice actors. Damn, it's hard becoming an author that will be remembered through the mists of time.**

Darius, Renko, and Jack were holding on to Roach's legs while Alcatraz was trying to pull the cone off his head.

"My heads coming off!" Roach squealed.

"Shut up!" Jack yelled.

"Okay, on 3. 1, 2, 3!" Alcatraz said.

The guys pulled Roach out of the cone and fell back into the wall.

"What a shame. I could have been a mascot at coney island." Roach said.

After that, they got out of that claustrophobic space and explored the workshop.

"What are we looking for again?" Darius asked.

"I forgot. Let's see, something about something in a bouncer." Jack said.

"It could be a kidney. Fortunately, I was also a surgeon." Renko said.

"Kidneys taste delici-AAAAAHHHHH!" Roach squealed as he saw a corpse of a bouncer.

"Ah, perfect! A donor!" Renko said.

Renko pulled out a scalpel and gently pressed it against the bouncer's pelvis, then started repeatedly stabbing it. Renko then examined the scalpel, which was bent horribly.

"I think the little hobbit guy meant the circuitry in the bouncer's backpack, boyos." Atlas said.

"That makes sense, just let me remove the panel and-" Renko started before Alcatraz violently plunged his hand in it's backpack and ripped out the circuitry.

"What the hell was that?" Renko asked.

"I was re-enacting a scene from _Beowolf_." Alcatraz said.

"Boyos, Focus!" Atlas said.

"Then he said something about 2 cans of this blue liquid." Jack said.

"Raspberry arctic rushes are blue!" Roach said.

"Fuel, Roach. Not a freaking children's drink." Jack said.

"Speaking of drink, I'm kinda thirsty myself." Darius said.

Darius picked up a canister of Ionic fuel and twisted off it's cap. He pressed his lips against the opening and tilted the bottom of the canister upwards, drinking it's contents.

"Hey, save some for us!" Renko said.

"Oh, sorry." Darius said.

Darius poured some ionic fuel into a bucket. Renko procured a soup ladle out of nowhere and dipped it in the fluid. He sipped it out, then Roach snatched it from his hands and dipped it back in.

"Hey Jack, you want to try some raspberry juice?" Roach said, his lips stained blue.

"Where the hell did you find-" Jack started.

Jack turned around and saw the guys drinking a blue fluid that was most likely the stuff they needed.

"Where the hell did you find all this!" Jack demanded.

"In a canister in the corner. Want some?" Darius asked, offering him the ladle.

"Fuck no! This is the shit we need for the bomb!" Jack said, swatting the ladle away.

"I think we already used up the rest of his batch." Renko said, belching.

"Are there any more?" Jack asked.

"Yeah, I saw like 15 of them on the way here." Alcatraz said.

"Great. Now hoof it. You idiots can have the extras we find." Jack said.

"I think I had too much." Roach said, puffing his cheeks out.

Meanwhile, near the entrance to Ryan's office...

"I tell ya, it can't be done!" Pickle hissed at Floogal.

"Come on Blotch, _Silent Hill_ is way scarier than those _Resident Evil_ games." Floogal said.

"And I say that nothing is scarier than a fucking zombie dog jumping through a window without warning!" Pickle said.

"Will you pikers shut up already? We got to set up an ambush." Blotch said.

"But how Blotch? We ain't got no mines." Floogal said.

"We'll have to improvise. Maybe something like a trap you'd see on _Scooby Doo_." Blotch said.

"Perhaps I can be of assistance." A weird voice said.

Blotch and Floogal armed their guns.

"Who the fuck said that!" Blotch demanded.

A spider splicer suddenly dropped down in front of Blotch, hanging from a string of web.

"I am Double Dose. I couldn't help but overhear your conversation." Double Dose said.

"Yeah, and?" Blotch demanded.

"I happen to have a few things you can use tangled up in my web." Double dose said.

"Really? What kind of stuff you got?" Floogal asked.

Double Dose pulled himself back to the dark ceiling and a massive pile of junk fell on Floogal. It had a TV, a vacuum cleaner, a fish tank, some old pizza boxes, a box of dominios, an old refrigerator, stainless steel forks, 20 rubber bands, some twine, paper clips, a phonograph, a garden hose, and the novelization of Leon 13's Echo Fright.

"This is just a bunch of junk!" Blotch said.

"We just have to get creative. I'm sure we could make a trap out of this." Pickle said.

Double Dose lowered down to the floor again.

"You can also use some of my spare webbing." He said.

Floogal poked his head out from the pile of junk.

"I have a question. Why are you called Double dose?" Floogal asked.

"Because I take 2 5 hour energy drinks instead of one." Double Dose said.

Meanwhile, back in the core...

Darius drank the last of the ionic fuel out of a canister. Jack already had the ones he needed. He pried the panel off the dead Bouncer's backpack and pulled out the wires.

"There, we just need one more." Jack said.

"What about the punk we nailed to the floor near that heat loss thing?" Alcatraz suggested.

"Oh yeah, he'll do." Jack said.

The gang went back to the room with the Bouncer who was welded to the floor. They tried to get to his back, but he kept swiping at them.

"How are we gonna get that wire?" Roach asked.

Jack shoved Roach into the bouncer's arms and the bouncer started strangling him. As Roach gagged and was shook around violently, Jack went behind the bouncer and tore the wire from it's back. It went limp and Roach fell to the floor.

"There must have been a huge gust of wind in here." Roach said.

"What was the last thingamobob we needed?" Renko asked.

"Something about a Nitroglycerine charge in an office." Jack said.

"Nitroglycerine? I hope it won't explode as we carry it." Roach said.

The guys went to the only area they did not explore yet, the locked door with a keypad in the workshop.

"No way I can hack this, too many overload tiles." Jack said.

"I got an idea. Lets just try every possible combination." Roach said.

Roach entered 0000 on the pad and it let off a siren. Then he entered 0001 on it, which also let off a siren.

"Knock it off!" Jack said, slapping Roach.

"Knock it off? What a brilliant idea!" Roach said.

Roach picked up a nearby pipe and thrust it into the keypad several times until it fell off.

"Hmm, why isn't the door opening?" Roach asked.

"I knew the combination, dumbass. It was the date for Australia day." Jack said.

"I have a cousin who lives in Australia." Roach said.

Jack kicked Roach hard in the groin. He fell over on his side.

"I don't need a fucking combination!" Alcatraz said.

Alcatraz pressed his fingers through the crack in the door and pulled them apart.

"Let me handle the charge, I'm a very cautious individual." Renko said.

Renko took several steps into the room and walked into 15 trap bolts.

"Yeah, what were you saying about the cautious part?" Jack asked.

Jack shot down the rest of the trap bolts. Below them was a desk, a panel with a strange object behind it, an audio diary and a power to the people machine. Jack hightailed it to the latter, he upgraded his pistol again. Then he grabbed the audio diary on the desk.

"The great chain is moving slowly. I guess the outlet is too rusted. I must do something to get the people to work harder. I'll offer an additional 15 cents to whoever doesn't slack off while pulling the great chain. Then, I'll offer 20 cents to the people who quit working for that bitch Sofia Lamb." It said.

"This is a very unique painting." Roach said, pointing to the panel.

"I think thats the nitroglycerine charge." Renko said.

"I'll get it out." Darius said.

Darius smacked the panel with his hammer, not even scratching it.

"It's no wonder this city's economy is in the shitter, they wasted all their money on shatterproof glass." Jack said.

"Nothing I can do. Theres nothing for me to pull on." Alcatraz said.

"Maybe theres a switch or something." Jack said.

Roach saw a red button on the desk.

"I'll use his secretary call button and see what she knows." Roach said.

He pressed the button and the panel opened.

"Be careful, don't make any loud noises." Renko said.

Suddenly a turret rose out of the floor and opened fire on the team. Roach flipped the desk over, attempting to create cover, but he flipped it on top of Renko. Alcatraz shielded them and Jack destroyed it with his pistol. Afterwards, Alcatraz flipped the desk back over (and onto Roach) and helped Renko up.

"Alright, I'll take the Nitroglycerine." He said.

"I think I'll take it, Mr. Careful Pants." Jack said.

"Good, now get them components back to the bomb, boyo." Atlas said.

The guys backtracked to Kyburz's secret shop. They laid the components out on one of the tables.

"Okay, so...How do we assemble this thing?" Jack asked.

"I guess we just shove everything inside." Darius said.

"No No No No! It has to have some kind of sequence." Renko said.

"How hard could it be? Just shove this here. And connect these here, and pour this blue stuff and seal the bottom. There, one EMP bomb!" Roach said.

All the components were taped to the outside of the cone thing. Then they all just fell off.

"I will assemble it. I handled an E99 bomb not too long ago." Renko said.

Renko was able to correctly assemble it.

"Good, now take it to the core, boyo." Atlas said.

"No sweat, I'll carry, JESUS THIS THING IS HEAVY!" Roach said as he picked up the bomb.

Alcatraz grabbed it from him with one hand.

"They don't Call this a Nano suit for nothing." He said.

"That doesn't even make since." Renko said.

"Who cares? Lets get to the core." Jack said.

Jack and the gang followed the arrow to the Geothermal control area. There was a Gene bank and U-invent. Jack equipped his sonic boom again. Jack opened one of the door and rolled to the side to evade gunfire from 2 turrets.

"I am really getting tired of these fucking turrets!" He cursed.

Roach peppered the turrets with gunfire from his UMP45 until they exploded. The guys went into the room. There was a Valve handle in the center.

"Obviously this is the way down to the control." Jack said.

"As soon as you start turning that thing, all of Raptures gonna be on you, boyo. Better set some traps." Atlas said.

Jack fired 2 trap bolts into the walls.

"There, traps." Jack said.

"I meant more than that boyo!" Atlas said.

"In case you forgot, I am protected by 4 retarded but powerful dudes. Except Roach." Jack said.

"You don't think I'm retarded?" Roach asked.

"Roach, shut up." Jack said. "Besides, I don't have any more trap crap."

"You can make some more at the U-invent, boyo." Atlas said.

"If it will get you to shut up..." Jack said.

Jack ducked under his trap bolts and stopped at the u-invent. He had picked up over 100 materials, which I had not mentioned. He pressed the button a zillion times and the floor was knee deep in trap bolts. He took them all and fired a bolt into every square inch of the wall.

"There, happy?" Jack asked.

"Alright, no need to get snippy boyo." Atlas said.

"Alright, now for the handle." Jack said.

"Uhhh, guys?" Roach asked.

"What the fuck is it-" Jack started.

Jack looked to the side and saw Roach, surrounded by trap bolts. He was standing as narrow as he could.

"Could you maybe cut me out?" He asked.

"No time. Ryan's not gonna kill himself. Unless he's a major fan of Hitler." Jack said.

Jack started turning the valve.

"Attention residents of Rapture, there are saboteurs in the Geothermal Control access. Terminate with extreme stupidity." Ryan said over the intercoms.

"Them masked turkeys are coming. Lets give em a stringy welcome!" Alcatraz said.

"Damn, this is one of those stupid valves that slowly resets if you let it go." Jack noted.

"Just keep turning baby! We'll cover you!" Alcatraz said.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Renko asked.

One of the doors opened. A splicer blindly ran into several trap bolts. His dead corpse flew forward, triggering the rest of them, and freeing Roach.

"Damn, should have seen that coming." Jack said.

Darius sheathed his hammer and pulled out 2 pistols. Another splicer blindly ran into the room and was cut down by Alcatraz's Feline assault rifle while shouting shit like "the craz is baz baby!", whatever that meant.

Meanwhile, back near the office of Ryan...

Floogal tied some twine around one of the pizza boxes. Blotch slapped him on the back of the head.

"You idiot! That don't go there! Stop wasting our supplies!" He yelled.

"I don't have any idea what we're building Blotch. Ow am I supposed to know where the string goes?" Floogal asked.

"An shouldn't we be hunting down them saboteurs in the geothermal control access?" Pickle asked.

"Awww those are probably just a bunch of drunks wandering around. We're gonna catch bigger fish here." Blotch said.

"If you says so Blotch." Floogal said.

Back at geothermal control...

Renko crept behind one splicer and grabbed him around the neck. He aimed his Centurion revolver over the Splicer's shoulder and shot another splicer in the groin. Another splicer peppered the splicer that Renko was holding with machine gun rounds. Renko shot a bullet through that splicer's head, smashing it like a pumpkin.

Darius blasted several splicers with his pistols before throwing them to the ground and aiming S.A.M at some more.

"S.A.M, hit them with a shockwave!" Darius said.

"Oh now you want to talk to me?" S.A.M asked.

"Just do it you cheap digital watch!" Darius yelled.

A blue cylindrical blast of energy hurled 12 splicers out of the room and threw them into the hot core of the facility.

"Your welcome." S.A.M said.

Roach took out around 20 splicers with his UMP45. He ejected an empty clip right as a splicer broke through the door. Roach aimed at him and went "" to sound like he was shooting. The splicer acted like he was getting shot, then realized he wasn't. The splicer tackled Roach to the ground. Roach threw him off and into Alcatraz.

"Hey, watch where your going honky!" Alcatraz said.

Al picked up the splicer and threw him into the wall, where he shattered like glass. Jack was still turning the stupid valve with one hand while reading _High Rhulain_ with the other.

"These later books are retarded. What happened to all the mice characters?" He asked himself.

Jack briefly glanced away from his book. Dead splicers littered the floor everywhere. The guys continued slaughtering more of the helpless idiots. Jack finally felt the valve lock into place and a hatch on the floor opened.

"Finally, my arm was getting tired." Jack said.

"The hatch is open boyo. Go down and place the bomb." Atlas said.

"The hatch? Where is the HHHHHHaaattttt-" Roach started before he fell down the hatch.

Alcatraz picked up the bomb that he set down and dropped it down the hatch, landing on Roach as he tried to get up.

"You 2 stay here and guard the hatch. I hate getting shot in the back." Jack said

"Sure thing. We have all these stupid corpses to keep us company." Darius said.

Alcatraz and Jack climbed down into the hatch. Jack suddenly saw an image of a farm in his head.

"Hmmm, that looks like the Farm I grew up on." He thought.

Alcatraz picked up the bomb, revealing Roach's dented ribs. Jack forgot about the vision and they continued into the next room.

"Wanna play shuffle board?" Renko asked.

"With what? A lung?" Darius asked.

Jack picked up a shorten alarms 2 tonic that some retarded splicer left laying around.

"Your not with the CIA. Your one of Atlas' goons. I will pin you to the pillar like that stupid Mcdonagh guy." Ryan said.

"Shove it up your Arse, Ryan!" Atlas said.

The guys went through another door, where they reached the red central area of the core. The core lay in front of them.

"Jesus, it's hotter than Brazil down here." Roach said, sweating.

"Who cares? Plant that stupid EMT thing." Jack said.

"It's pronounced EMP." Alcatraz corrected.

"Whatever." Jack said.

Alcatraz set the bomb down right in front of the core. Suddenly, the platform they were standing on rose up, like an elevator.

"Oh my God! We're being sucked out by aliens!" Roach panicked.

"Pipe down, it's just an elevator." Jack said.

The platform came to a stop at an area where they had been before.

"What the fuck? Why didn't just ride this thing down in the first place?" Jack questioned.

The bomb shot sparks of electricity into the core. The whole facility shook violently.

"You better get to Ryan's office Boyo. All hell's about to rain it's golden shower on you." Atlas said.

The gate behind the guys lowered. They stepped past it and a splicer ran towards them from the stairs. Jack froze him with his chemo thrower. The splicer then melted into nothing. The boys started hightailing it back to Ryan's office.

"I feel like we forgot something..." Roach said.

"I don't care about whatever you feel like. Oh crap." jack said.

At the entrance to the geothermal control...

Renko shoved a lung that was on the floor with his broom. It slid down and landed on the 100 spot on a pyramid drawn onto the floor with blood.

"Yes! I knew that Titanic puzzle game would help me improve at this game!" Renko said.

"Motherfucker!" Darius said as he snapped his broom in half.

"I wonder whats taking those morons so long? Is it that hard to plant a bomb?" Renko asked.

Jack and the other 2 ran through into the room.

"Hey, that was a neat trick. Can you guess what card I'm holding too?" Renko asked.

"Shut it prissy boy. We got to get the hell up out of this shithole." Alcatraz said.

"But what about the bomb?" Renko asked.

"We planted it already! Just stop asking shit and move!" Jack said, leaving the room.

"Alright, but you still haven't told me the number of my card." Renko said, going after him.

"Did you guys happen to see any steroids down there? These muscles ain't gonna grow themselves." Darius said, running after them.

The boys made it back into the core room when they encountered around 6 splicers and 2 security bots. They charged at the team, but the team pulled out their automatic weapons and slaughtered the masquerade party before they even reached them.

"I'm getting bored." Jack said.

The team made it back to the entrance to Ryan's office. They couldn't believe their eyes. There were dominos set up along the floor, twine tied to pizza boxes and rubber bands, and all sorts of random shit laying around.

"Someone call Hoarders, we got a situation." Jack said.

"Don't worry, I'll clean this up." Roach said.

Roach almost tripped on a garden hose that was stretched out. A Tv that was suspended by it fell and a piece of twine tied to it pulled the switch of a vacuum cleaner, which sucked a pizza box out of the way of the phonograph's handle. The handle started rotating and the pin in the center of it reeled in another piece of twine which was tied to some paper clips that were holding back these rubber bands that had stainless steel forks on them. The paper clips were pulled off and the forks were launched right into Roach's abdomen.

Another paper clip was pulled back, knocking over a domino which knocked the rest of them down. The last domino fell onto Leon 13's novel of Echo Fright, which was laid at the edge of the overturned fish tank that was sitting at the edge of a stack of pizza boxes. The added weight cause the fish tank to fall off and a piece of twine that was under it shot up into the ceiling, letting loose the refrigerator which swung into the wall by another piece of twine. Blotch poked his head out from behind a pillar.

"Damn it! I told you we should have angled it to the right!" He yelled.

"But I thought the forks would hit them all." Floogal said.

"Who cares, lets just kill them ourselves." Blotch said.

The splicers jumped out from behind the pillar.

"Oh shit! It's that new big daddy!" Floogal yelled, pointing to Alcatraz.

"I ain't no pimp." Alcatraz said.

Blotch and Floogal hid behind Pickle.

"Face the wraith of the almighty Pickle!" Pickle yelled.

Pickle threw a fireball at Alcatraz, which just disintegrated harmlessly once it hit.

"Your can opener ain't sharp enough to pierce this can." Alcatraz said.

"Oh yeah? How about this?" Double dose asked, throwing a scythe at him.

"Ouch, my sexy arms!" Alcatraz said.

"Look, we don't have time for this." Jack said.

Jack used his Sonic boom to hurl all the splicer hard into the wall, knocking them out. Then, he walked around the debris and pulled the lever in front of Ryan's door. Blue lights shot through the wires and exploded when they it the doors lock.

"Now Boyo! Get inside!" Atlas urged.

Jack and most of the others got inside, but Roach picked up the Novelization of Echo Fright before joining them (forks still in his chest).

"Say, this is pretty funny." He said.

The door closed and the guys moved on to Ryan's office, where a bunch of corny plot devices would come into effect.

To be continued...

**In case your curious, High Rhulain is part of the Redwall series. I'm halfway through this old story, and I can't wait until it's finished. Echo Fright is a real story that you can read. Just be aware that it is the first story I focused on, so it might not be as funny as now. You better read it or your a SLACKER!**


	14. Fontaines in the house!

Chapter 14:Fontaines in the house!

All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodic manner.

**Todays rant is about games with crappy mechanics. First off, **_**Star Wars Force Unleashed**_**. While this game is almost a non stop ride of fun, it can be frustrating due to it's mechanics. The massive flaw is it's targeting system. The player must be facing a certain object to target it, not the camera. Many times, I've tried to throw an object at someone else and I often threw something else. While the game has a lock on button, you have to hold it down for it to work. Just forget about the rest, lets get on to the next chapter.**

The guys wandered into the massive foyer of Ryan's office. There was a big pillar in the center that had control panels and TVs on it.

"HahHAhahahah! This book is hilarious!" Roach said, reading Echo Fright.

"Shut up! You've told us that 15 times!" Jack hissed.

Jack nabbed an Audio diary off the desk to the left.

"Suchong invent new gadget today! To replace aging checkpoint system, Suchong invent Vita chamber! This chamber randomly captures DNA of passer bys and stores it. It then monitors the passer bys life line and when that life line drops, it creates a complete clone of the passer by, equipped with anything they had when they died. Unfortunately, the items are very expensive to recreate, so I dropped the restore ammo feature to save money. The machine also only works on sane people and retarded psycho people." It said.

"I am the heart of Rapture! Without me, Rapture could not function! If I die, then this city will die too!" Ryan yelled over the radio.

Suddenly, the words "Warning! Meltdown immanent!" appeared on the TV screens and the whole facility shook.

"Damn it! He's triggered the meltdown! Boyo! Get in there and stop him!" Atlas said over the radio.

Jack ran up to this locked door.

"Another stuck door. Fuck." Jack said.

"Perhaps it seals automatically to protect people from the meltdown." Renko suggested.

"How?" Alcatraz asked.

"I have no fucking idea. I do know that if we don't stop the meltdown, we're gonna be in hot water." Renko said.

Darius beat on a drum and cymbals.

"There has to be another way in. Maybe theres a weak point in the wall." Jack said.

"Thats my kind of talking!" Darius said.

Darius kicked the drums over and pulled out his hammer. He started wildly slamming the wall with his hammer. Jack glanced to the side and saw an airvent near the door.

"This Leon 13 guy is a funny writer!" Roach said.

"Come to think of it, did these doors seal automatically or did that weird perv guy just lock them? That doesn't seem very safe in the event of an emergency." Renko said.

Jack kicked in the grate of the vent.

"Quick mice, in the hole." He said.

Roach, Renko, and Alcatraz followed him in, while Darius continued to pound on the wall.

"Don't pressure me! I'm doing the best I can!" He said. "Guys?"

The four men crawled through the vent sluggishly.

"Why the hell do they make these vents big enough for a man to crawl through? That's a huge security risk." Renko said.

"I wonder if any of these vents overlook dressing rooms?" Roach wondered.

"I hope so, who wouldn't want to watch a hideous mutated woman undress herself?" Jack said sarcastically.

"I think I found a pack of gum." Renko said before he bumped into Roach.

"I'm wedged into the vent like the time I was in Vietnam and I-" Roach started.

"I get it! I'm stuck too." Jack said.

"Hey Al, can you push us forward?" Renko asked.

Alcatraz pushed forward on Renko and the bottom of the vent collapsed and the men plummeted onto the floor below.

"I said a push! Not break the entire vent system!" Renko said.

"Leave him alone! I made the same mistake when I was in Hong Kong and-" Roach said before Darius fell on him.

"Hey guys, there was already a hole in the wall!" He said.

"What the hell is all this shit?" Jack asked.

The room they landed in had hundreds of papers and photos taped to the wall. The words "Would you kindly" were written on the wall in blood.

"This must be the hideout of a serial killer!" Roach said.

"That strange pervert guy doesn't seem like a serial killer." Renko said.

"Hey, this is a picture of me! And heres that weird German woman, and Atlas, and that Stripper, and some weird gangster." Jack said.

"Stalkers for sure." Alcatraz said.

Jack picked up one of the audio diaries from the table.

"Hello little boy. Do you love your puppy? Yes Suchong, he is my closest friend. I got him from a pound on the surface. I guess that explains his scarf and diaper. Now kill him! What! No! He's like a son to me! Would you kindly strangle the pound puppy? (squealing, thump) Yes, good. Now put him in the pile with all your other dead animals." It said.

"What the fuck was that?" Jack wondered.

Jack picked up another audio diary.

"The baby is maturing better than we expected. Mind control implants are in place. All you must do is say the code phrase and the little bastard will do whatever you say. Fontaine has special plans for it. It will be the key to Ryan's downfall." It said.

"Are you on a tea break or something boyo? Would you kindly get to Ryan's office already?" Atlas said.

"Would you kindly? Those are the same words written on the wall." Jack pointed out.

"Boyo, in 10 minutes, this whole city is just going to be a molten piece of metal unless you stop the bloody meltdown. Get a move on!" Atlas yelled.

"Okay okay." Jack said.

The guys left the room and entered the area outside of Ryan's office. There was a big statue to the left.

"You guys just wait somewhere. I'll handle this Hitler knockoff." Jack said.

"Okay, we'll just go through some of these documents." Renko said.

"Screw that, I want to masturbate to some of those pictures!" Darius said.

"Hey, get in line buddy!" Alcatraz said.

"Anyone want to play charades?" Roach asked.

"NO!" The others yelled.

The guys went back into the room with all the pictures. Jack strolled into the middle of the room he was in. He approached a big sheet of glass that looked into Ryan's office. Suddenly, a light turned on, Revealing Andrew Ryan, in the flesh, behind the glass. He was in a brown suit and was playing that stupid indoor miniature golf thing they have for offices.

"Hello sir. Would you care for a game of golf?" Ryan asked.

"What are you? A fagg?" Jack asked.

Ryan hit a ball with his putter and it missed the cup.

"Damn it. I suppose your here to kill me? That won't be as easy as it looks." Ryan said.

"Oh yeah? What are you gonna do? Hit me with that putter?" Jack asked.

"Come over to the side and I will show you." Ryan said.

"Gladly." Jack said.

Jack whipped out his shotgun and went over to the doorway next to the sheet of glass. Ryan was standing there.

"Let's see if they ban this game in Germany for Killing a Hitler-look-alike!" Jack said.

"Before you do, allow me to explain something, in song!" Ryan said.

Suddenly, Ryan was dress in a cheap white tank top with blue sweat pants, white socks, and a red beanie holding a microphone.

"What the fuck?" Jack wondered.

A cardboard background of the strip club lowered in the background. Then, Ryan started singing.

_Once upon a time, at my favorite place to be mean_

_There was a hot sexy chick known as Jasmine Jolene._

A cardboard cutout of a stripper dropped down.

_The bitch owed me money so in order to pay_

_I put my pitch fork in her stack of hay!_

Ryan then humped it.

"Ewww." Jack said.

_Then her Va JJ shot out a kid_

_And she threw it in a dumpster like a skid._

_Then a gangster named Fontaine dug it out_

_He took it to his crib and named it stout._

"That doesn't even make sense." Jack said.

_He taught the little brat how to make others bled_

_Than he had a Chinese guy tear open his head._

_He put a bunch of science shit on his brain_

_Then he sewed it back up without a sprain._

_Then he shot the kid up to the surface_

_Making him think he had a family for his service._

_Then 20 years later a war broke out_

_So Fontaine decided to call his stout._

_Then stout got on a plane_

_And he crashed it into the ocean, regardless of the pain._

_He went down to Rapture and met man_

_Who sounded like a guy talking through a fan._

_Whenever the man asked would you kindly_

_The stout who carry it out very blindly._

_The stout slaughtered hundreds of the freaks_

_Then he bashed down my door with a mean streak._

_And here he is standing right in front of me_

_While I sing this retarded melody!_

"Everybody say HOOOOOOOOO!" Ryan said.

"What the fuck was all that about?" Jack asked.

"For fuck's sake! Remember your life?" Ryan asked.

"yeah, I grew up on a farm in the country with Auntie Em and Uncle Henry." Jack said.

"Are you sure? Not a life that involved tests, syringes and violence?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah, I'm sure." Jack said.

"Well your wrong. You were born here in Rapture. That farm shit is just something Fontaine programed you to see. When he shot you to the surface, all you did was sit in a quiet alleyway until he called you. Then he made you crash the plane into the ocean right next to the lighthouse. Any thing spark a memory?" Ryan asked.

"Nope." Jack said.

Ryan put his palm in his face.

"And theres more. He can also control your mind. And so can I." Ryan said.

"Try taking control of a face full of buckshot!" Jack said, aiming his shotgun at Ryan's face.

"Would you kindly not shoot me?" Ryan asked.

Jack unwillingly lowered his shotgun. 

"What the hell?" he wondered.

"Would you kindly turn around?" Ryan asked.

Jack spun around.

"Would you kindly run?" Ryan asked.

Jack's legs looked like they were functioning independently from the rest of his body when they ran forward.

"Holy shit." Jack said.

"Stop, would you kindly." Ryan said.

Jack stopped and turned around again.

"I'm gonna rip that mustache off and shove it up your ass!" Jack threatened.

"Would you kindly impersonate Al Gore?" Ryan asked.

"As you can see, our ecosystem has gone to hell." Jack said pointing at a declining chart.

"Would you kindly drink an entire bottle of Coke in under 3 seconds?" Ryan asked, leaning on his putter.

Jack tore the cap off a coke bottle and held it over his mouth and sucked it all out.

"Would you kindly find me a new wife?" Ryan asked.

Jack pulled out a ring and offered it to Ryan.

"With this Ring..." Jack said.

"Would you kindly stop! Let's see...Would you kindly...Break dance?" Ryan asked.

Jack sat on the floor and spun around before coming to a rest.

"Hahahahahah. All I have to say is Would you kindly. Ah Kills me to-" Ryan said.

Jack thought Ryan said "would you kindly kill me?". He snatched the putter out of his hand and swung it across his face, making his cheek bleed.

"Oh shit, would you (smack) Would you (smack) would you (smack)" Ryan tried to say as Jack kept bitch slapping him with the putter.

Ryan soon completely lost the ability to speak. He fell to his knees on the ground. Jack slammed the putter hard down on his head. He broke the head on the putter off and en lodged it in Ryan's eye. Then, he took the shaft of the putter and stabbed it in his other eye. Ryan's corpse fell over.

"Hah! Try making stupid speeches now you crap hound!" Jack taunted.

Jack suddenly remembered the words Ryan kept saying. He recalled that Atlas used them a lot as well.

"Would you kindly find a crowbar or something?"

"Would you kindly start the machine?"

"Would you kindly grab me some mentos while your there?"

"Would you kindly open the damn door?"

"Would you kindly stop making Irish stereotypes?"

"Would you kindly stop the meltdown?"

"I don't remember that last one." Jack thought.

"Boyo! Would you kindly stop the bloody meltdown!" Atlas yelled.

"Oh, sorry, thought that was still in the flashback." Jack said.

Jack reached in Ryan's pocket and grabbed a shiny gold keycard. He went into Ryan's office and saw 50 bucks sticking out of his desk, which he snatched. He went into the room behind the office and saw a big machine with a card slot and a tv screen. Jack slid the card into the slot and the rumbling slowly ceased. Just then, the TV screen turned from Ryan industries to Fontaine Futuristics.

"Well done, boyo. Hahahahahah!" Atlas said in an almost completely different voice.

"Good, you finally took some English courses." Jack said.

"I was never an Irishman kid! I was just playing one!" Atlas said.

"But then why didn't you just talk like this before? It's a lot easier to understand." Jack asked.

"Cause I was playing you kid! There is no Atlas! Just me! Frank Fontaine!" Atlas/Fontaine said.

"Where did I hear that name before?" Jack asked.

"I'm the one who raised you and sent you to the surface. I'm also the one who brought you back." Fontaine said.

"Why didn't you just keep me here in the first place?" Jack asked.

"I don't have to answer any more of your questions. Thanks to you, I'm the king of Atlantis. You've been a good sport kid, but it's time for you to bite the bullet. See ya in the afterlife kid." Fontaine said.

"Come on guys, just a quick game." Roach asked.

"For the last time no!" Renko said.

Jack turned around and saw his team.

"Your tore that fascist bastard up man!" Alcatraz said.

Just then, most of the lights went out.

"Well...This is a pickle." Darius said.

"Hey! Over here!" A little girl voice said.

Jack was able to make out a little sister in the darkness.

"Follow Me!" She said.

"Awesome! Now I can afford that Electro Bolt 3 plasmid!" Jack said.

The little sister became terrified by this comment and ran off. Jack and the boys took off after her. Roach, however, ran right into a pillar. Some security bots showed up and started shooting at the boys.

"You guys go on ahead. I'll take care of these radioshack things." Alcatraz said.

Alcatraz picked up Ryan's corpse by the legs and swung it at one of the security bots, sending it flying through an oddly placed basketball hoop. The little sister crawled into another vent on the wall. Jack and Renko and Darius followed.

"Damn it, I can't see a fucking thing." Jack said.

"Well they probably didn't have enough money in the budget to add lights in the uUUUUHHHHHHHGGGGHHHHHH!" Renko squealed as the floor of the vent collapsed and they plummeted into the darkness.

"Hey hey! Wait for me!" Roach squealed as he ran through the dark room.

As Alcatraz snapped a security bot in 2, Roach felt the wall for the vent. When he finally located it, he got on his knees and crawled in and also plummeted into the darkness. So is this the end of the damn parody? Unfortunately no, so make sure you SLACKERS actually be on watch for the next chapter!

To be continued...


	15. I Dream of Claymation

Chapter 15: I dream of claymation

All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner.

**This chapter slightly deviates from the storyline of Bioshock. It takes place in Jack's dreams, dreams based on other video games. I did it in my other 2 finished stories. Have you had dreams about video games? I've had hundreds. Last night (at the time of this writing) I dreamt I flew to mars with a massive team of astronauts and set up an outpost there. Wow, we dream strange things.**

Jack slowly opened his eyes. He saw a bright blue sky with white puffy clouds.

"Huh, must have been a dream." He said.

Jack stretched his arms out and shrieked in terror when he saw them. They were large and bulky and were made out of clay.

"What the fuck?" He cursed.

Jack quickly got to his feet and walked up to a nearby pond. His reflection showed that his face was now clay as well. Like in a bad 90s cartoon. Then, he looked to the side and saw a large mansion. He ran to it and banged on the door with his fist. The door was opened by another hideous clay animated man.

"We have a door bell." He said.

"What the fuck is this place? Halloween town?" Jack demanded.

"Your uncle's been waiting for you. He's in the paint room." The weird guy said.

"Uncle? I don't have a fucking uncle!" Jack said.

Jack socked the guy right between the eyes. His clay face was crumpled inward. Jack shoved him out of the way and charged into the mansion. He spotted an open door to the right and walked into it. He saw a clay animated old man painting.

"Hello there. I'm your Uncle Edwin, remember me? From _The Dark Eye_?" The old dude asked.

"What the fuck are these?" Jack demanded.

On the left were a line of paintings. 5 of them were of naked women. Another had a zombie chewing off it's own leg. One had save game symbol from _Silent Hill 3_. And the last one was of a guy on a motorcycle jumping into the mouth of a whale while surrounded by giant leeches.

"I just paint whatever I see in my dreams." Edwin said.

"What's this black stuff?" Jack asked, picking up a black bottle.

"Be careful with that. It's a special type of paint thinner. One guy drank it and he wound up in an amusement park." Edwin said.

"Well, anywheres better than here." Jack said.

Jack ripped the cap off and chugged the paint thinner like it was a bottle of Pepsi. He got a nasty headache and fell to the floor before losing consciousness. Jack later got up and saw he was now in a creepy ass amusement park that had walls and floors made of rusted metal and the sky was pitch black.

"Oh man, I thought he meant somewhere besides the one from _Silent Hill_ 3." Jack said.

Jack strolled further into the park and found several guys in large pink bunny costumes with overalls and had blood sprayed over their mouths, dead.

"I wonder if theres still anyone in them suits." Jack wondered.

Jack took the head off one of the costumes and saw that there was no one underneath.

"Hmm, well it'd be a shame to let these costumes go to waste." Jack said.

Jack put the giant freaky rabbit head on his head and slipped into the rest of the costume. He went through a green gate and saw this hideous monster with large club like arms and a weird tube like head.

"Damn it! How many fucking mascots does this park have!" It roared.

It started lumbering towards Jack. Jack pulled out an Uzi from out of nowhere and filled the freak with bullets. It fell down forward and Jack stomped the crap out of it's head, getting weird monster mush on his rabbit feet.

"I hope his head wasn't a giant you-know-what." Jack said.

Jack ran through another gate and a weird monster dog with a split head seized his leg with it's mouth. He pressed the barrel of his Uzi against it's head and shot several bullets through the other side of it. Jack started climbing up this set of green stairs. He was exhausted by the time he reached the top. It lead to a roller coaster, but the carts weren't in sight.

"This could not get any more bizarre." Jack said.

Just then, 16 little demonic children with holes in their face ran up the steps brandishing knives. Jack panicked and jumped on the roller coaster tracks. He ran down them with the little brats in pursuit. He aimed his Uzi behind him and blindly fired, killing most of the brats. The last one ran up to him with it's knife raised. Jack simply kicked him over the side of the rails and plummeting to his death.

"Good, I think I'm safe now." Jack said.

Just then, the roller coaster cars ran over Jack. Jack suddenly jarred awake in a small apartment bedroom. He was still in his rabbit costume. The walls were covered in this red flesh like shit.

"We're certainly on a role with these dreams." He said.

Jack got out of the bed and left the bedroom. He entered the living room/ kitchen in the next. The walls were equally fleshy here. He tried to open the entrance door, but it was stuck to the walls.

"Don't these people know how to control mold?" Jack wondered.

Jack looked around, he saw a weird face on one of the walls. He took out a permanent marker and drew a mustache over it's mouth.

"Hmmm, must be an artist that lives here." Jack wondered.

Jack was going to head back to the bedroom to catch some more sleep, but suddenly, large circular cracks developed on the wall by the face. A pale man in dark green clothing crawled out from them, with a large black mustache on his face. He moaned as he sprawled out on the floor.

"Ech, must be a retirement home." Jack said.

Jack ran towards the entrance door and slammed into with his shoulder, breaking through it. He jumped to his feet and started running down the weird flesh covered hallway. He broke through some double doors and tumbled down 2 flights of stairs, landing in the lobby. He jumped to his feet again and checked his apartment's mailbox.

"I wish those damn banks would stop sending me advertisements every single fucking day!" Jack said.

Jack tossed the mail into the trash bin and smashed through the entrance to the complex. He dusted himself off and wandered to the parking lot. He smashed the side window of a yellow sedan and jumped in. He tore the panel under the steering wheel off.

"Let's see... Blue, green, yellow, violet. Which one did that little skinny dog cut in _Oliver and company_?" Jack wondered.

Jack pulled 2 red wires apart and pressed them together, and the horn honked. Then he tore 2 green wires apart and pressed them together, and the light turned on. Then, he tore 2 yellow wires apart and pressed them together, and the car shot backwards right through the wall of the apartment building. The car stopped in someone's bathroom, where a woman was taking a shower. Jack glanced at her from the side.

"Rawr. I could sit here all day." He said.

Suddenly, she pulled the curtain out of the way, revealing her long black hair, pale skin, and huge mouth. Jack shrieked and hit the gas pedal. The car charged forward and smashed through a low brick wall. Jack sighed as he drove down the road. Suddenly, the pale guy he saw earlier rose from the backseat and seized him in a neckhold.

Jack punched the guy repeatedly in the face. He poked him in the eyes with his fingers, forcing him to let go. Jack jumped in the backseat and tackled the guy. The car swung around violently, smashing through newspaper stands and light posts. Jack punched the guy repeatedly in the face again. Then the guy stuck his hand through Jack's torso, like magic.

"I will drain your life..." The guy said.

"Blow it out your ass!" Jack said.

Jack grabbed the lighter from the car's dashboard and shoved it in the guy's eyes. Then, he managed to pull his leg towards his torso and kicked him through the rear side window.

"Well, Lets hope that-" Jack started.

Suddenly the slammed right into the back of another and threw Jack out the front windshield. He bounced off several other cars and landed hard on the sidewalk in front of a small white dog with a red scarf and a small black dog with a blue scarf (anthro of course).

"Look Gaspard! It's the Easter bunny!" The white dog said to the black one.

"I'm not sure Lisa. I don't think the Easter bunny would have red cool-aid on his face." Gaspard said to the white dog.

Jack leaped to his feet and grabbed the dogs' heads'. He banged them together and swung them around like bubble wands. Then, he threw them each into a different store window (Gaspard was thrown into a knife shop and Lisa was thrown into a used syringe shop).

"I hate those foreign children shows." Jack said.

Suddenly, both of the dogs jumped out from the shops. Gaspard had knives sticking through his torso and his face was skinned. Lisa had syringes sticking out of her eyes and held one in each paw. Jack screamed and tried to run away, but the children's show duo tackled him. Suddenly, the screen was filled with static and when it cleared, the scene had now shifted to a blue TV studio. Behind a desk was a small red dinosaur holding a piece of paper.

"We interrupt this program to bring you shocking news! A tape has been found in the rubble of Lara Croft's mansion that reveals her having sex with Gex Gekko! Unfortunately, we cannot show the footage because the camera was pointed directly at a male's genitalia the entire video. After the airing of the footage, Gex Gekko, already largely forgotten, has now entered hiding. Lara Croft had this to say..." The dinosaur said.

"What can I say? Lizards are hot." Lara said, laying on a table in a pink bikini.

"The most likely thing Mr. Gekko will do now is try to bang Cortana from _Halo_. We now return you to your regularly scheduled program." The dinosaur said.

The screen was filled with static again. When it cleared, Jack stood over the broken bodies of Gaspard and Lisa, holding a Parking meter that he pulled out of the cement, covered in blood. In case you forgot, Jack was still wearing the pink rabbit costume.

"That does it. I'm ending this thing before it gets any worse." Jack said.

And with that, Jack smacked himself on the head with the parking meter, fell down, and everything faded black.

To be continued...

**This was just a chapter to screw around with. The next one will be back in the game again. Guess which game I started playing again? **_**Kingdom Hearts**_**, not too long ago, I was slaughtering powerwilds in the deep jungle. I'll have to write a parody for this game sometime too. Let's hope I won't be Slacker enough to forget it. See ya next chapter SLACKERS!**


	16. I feel bitter, so much bitter

Chapter 16: I feel bitter, so much bitter.

All copyrighted material is used in a fictitious parodied manner.

**You know what I was going to put here? A political opinion. But I removed it. You know why? Because I don't want a bunch of reviews stating how much the reviewer disagrees with me. And besides, you might be in a different location then myself, so you might not even care. Also, do you have an interest that you fear may cause other people to avoid you? Do you think you should just kick it off your interest list? I am currently pondering this question. The answer is still like this one door in **_**Echo Night Beyond**_** that refused to open until the end of the game. While I lay on the floor in a fetal position for days with this question burning on my mind, you may appease yourself by reading this chapter. Enjoy, if you can.**

Jack sat up and banged his head on an overhead lamp.

"And then I sliced open the throat of a zombie and used his body as a battering ram against the others..." Roach said.

Jack looked to the left and saw Roach and a bunch of little sisters sitting around the fireplace. Renko was polishing his massive gun collection on a table. One little sister looked into the barrel of His centurion. Darius was doing weight lifting with one of the little sisters bunk beds.

"Where the fuck am I?" Jack asked.

"My little ones brought you to my safehouse." Tenenbaum said.

"Oh great, it's you." Jack said.

"I have managed to remove most of Fontaine's mind control, but he can still pull some nasty strings." She said.

"Wait, so Atlas wasn't joking?" Jack asked.

"It's no wonder he could manipulate you so easily." Tenenbaum said.

"What the hell does that mean?" Jack demanded.

Jack looked to the left and saw Tenenbaum behind a sheet of glass having a cigarette. He got off the bed and slammed through the glass and grabbed her by her shoulders.

"You think I'm a retard? You think it's retarded if I break you neck? Eh? Eh?" Jack taunted.

"Nein! Please don't!" She begged.

Jack dropped her to the ground and snatched her cigarette and took a puff of it.

"Where is this Fontaine fuck?" Jack asked.

"He is in the center of Rapture. But you cannot fight him in your current condition." Tenenbaum said.

"Then I'll let my shotgun do the fighting." Jack said.

"You will die before you can even pull trigger." Tenenbaum said.

"Then what am I supposed to do? Train with King Kai for seven years?" Jack asked.

"I am sure there are answers somewhere out on the streets." Tenenbaum said.

"Good, that is very helpful. All I have to do is search every square inch of the city until I find someone crazy enough to help me?" Jack said.

"You could just check all the audio diaries." Tenenbaum said.

"Oh good, that will be a frigging walk in the park." Jack said sarcastically.

Jack turned around and looked at all the little sisters.

"You mind if I drain some of these bitches? I'm really close to Electro bolt 3." Jack said.

"Nein! These girls are normal!" Tenenbaum shouted.

"Okay okay. No need to get your 75 year old panties in a twist." Jack said.

Tenenbaum groaned.

"And then when I reached the Lollipop guild, I-OWww!" Roach started before Jack slapped him on the side of the face.

"Shut your trap and load up. We're out of here." Jack said.

"He's the one who saved me!" One little sister said.

"Me too!" Another said.

"And me!" Another said.

"Momma Tenenbaum says hes mean." One said.

"No! Thats the other ending you retard!" Another said.

"Oh, right. He saved me too!" She said.

"Uh, your welcome." Jack said.

Jack went over to Renko's table and slammed his fist down on it, shaking it. The one little sister shot herself in the head with Renko's Centurion.

"Oh, hello Jack. Did you enjoy your sleep? I did, in fact, most human beings need at least-" Renko started.

"Enough with the health information already! Let's go! This place is making me nauseous." Jack said.

"Why are you nauseous? Did you play too much of _Riven_ and didn't get anywhere? That makes me nauseous." Renko said.

"Well, that too. But mainly all these girls. It's like Lewis Carrol's basement." Jack said.

"Either way, I'm ready to go. My guns are all tuned up." Renko said.

Jack then went over to Darius.

"You can do body building later. We need your hammer." Jack said.

"Sure thing." Darius said, throwing the bunk away.

"Say, where's Al?" Jack asked.

"He stayed behind." Renko said.

"I'll try to contact him. S.A.M, put his frequency on the comm." Darius said.

"_Something's getting in the way, something's just about to break._" Played from S.A.M.

"S.A.M, I said his frequency! Not the frequency of the nearest radio station!" Darius hissed.

"This is the frequency of Alcatraz." S.A.M said.

"Then why the hell is this playing?" Darius demanded.

Somewhere in the ocean...

Alcatraz was swimming lightning fast through the water. He was Listening to _diary of Jane_ by Breaking Benjamin.

"_I will try to find my place in the diary of Jane so tell me how it should beeee!_" He sang along.

"Hey! Will you shut the fuck up and let me sing?" The Radio warned.

"I'll sing whatever the fuck I want you pussies!" Alcatraz yelled.

Back in Rapture...

The guys and a little sister went up some stairs and came to a door with a hole under it. There was another little sister standing there.

"Whos he?" The one standing there asked.

"He's here to help us. Didn't you see the note on the bulletin board?" The other one asked.

"I didn't know we had a bulletin board." The first one said.

"Could you little ladies move it along? We have stuff to kill." Jack said.

One little sister crawled through the hole in the door and seconds later, the door opened and she strolled back in.

"Could you adopt me?" The one asked.

"No! I want him to adopt me!" The other hissed.

"Go to hell!" The first one said before tackling the second.

Jack and the boys quietly moved past the girls and sealed the door behind them. Suddenly, Ryan's tune played on the radio.

"I thought he was fucking dead." Jack said.

"Well, if it ain't the kid. I should have known mother goose would save your ass." Fontaine said.

"Why the hell are you using Ryan's opening tune?" Jack asked.

"He ain't using it anymore, that's for sure." Fontaine said.

"Did you receive legal permission to use it?" Renko asked.

"I am the legal permission, nancy boy!" Fontaine said.

"Nancy boy! How can you say that when your an Al Pacino rip off!" Renko said.

"Ahh screw this shit. Would you kindly blast your own nuts off?" Fontaine said.

Jack stood there and did nothing.

"Huh? I said, would you kindly blast your own nuts off!" Fontaine said more forcefully.

Jack still didn't do anything.

"WOULD YOU KINDLY BLAST YOUR OWN NUTS OFF!" Fontaine yelled as loud as he could.

Darius pulled out one of those horns-in-a-can things and blared it into the speaker on Jack's radio.

"AAAAHHHHH!" Fontaine screamed.

"I love doing that." Darius said.

"Well...It looks like mother goose made you forget some dance steps. But I know a few others. Code yellow." Fontaine said.

"I've never heard of dance step called code yellow." Renko said.

Jack fell to his knees and clutched his chest like an old man having a heart attack.

"Jeez, I didn't think it was that funny." Renko said.

"Oh my god! He's having a heart attack! Quick Jack, get on the ground!" Roach screamed.

"Don't. I think it's from all that Alcohol." Jack said.

"It ain't even that boyo. Damn it! Why do I keep saying that! Anyway, I just told your heart to stop beating. Unfortunately, it's gone on strike, so it'll take a few hours before it finally gives in and goes back to work." Fontaine said. "And in case you didn't notice, your Health meter shrank."

"What!" Jack welched.

Jack looked at the top left corner of the screen and saw that his massive health meter shrank slightly.

"Thats not fair! I spent hard earned ADAM on that shit!" Jack said.

"Ahhh go whine to mother goose. Maybe she can jump over the moon and ask the cat with the fiddle for some magic apple cider." Fontaine said.

"What the fuck does apple cider have to do with Mother goose?" Darius asked.

"Nothing, just some idea I got from watching this episode of _My Little Pony Friendship is Magic_." Fontaine said.

"Oh I love that show." Roach said.

"Well anyway, just make sure you idiots die soon. I'm gonna go rape some little girls." Fontaine said.

"Great, I feel like this has become _Legend of Zelda Majora's mask_." Jack said.

"Not to worry Jack. We'll save you." Renko said, putting his hand on Jack's shoulder.

"How?" Jack asked, shaking it off.

"Well, maybe we can build you a new heart." Renko said.

"I think I can. Let's see what materials we have." Darius said.

Jack knelt down in front of this pile of junk. He was messing around for a few seconds before he spun around and held out this can opener with dead batteries and a valve handle taped to it.

"Theres your new heart!" Darius said.

Jack grabbed the stupid contraption and pulled the valve handle off it. He stuck it in a nearby socket and opened a door.

"Or...maybe it was like a fancy keycard." Darius said.

The guys went through the now open door and emerged from the sewer. They stepped onto the brick walkway of the area. Several street cars lined the road.

"They had fucking street cars down here? Are they really that lazy!" Renko griped.

"Say, didn't they keep money on street cars?" Roach asked.

Jack immediately perked up and ran to the nearest street car.

"Hey no fair! It was my idea!" Roach said, running after him.

Jack slipped into an overturned car and found a safe which he used and auto hack tool on. Roach approached the car from it's other door.

"Hehehehe. He'll never see me if I come in-" he started.

Roach screamed his guts out when he crawled into several trap bolts. Jack grabbed the money and climbed out.

"AHAHHHHH! What the hell is that!" Renko screeched, pointing to an El Ammo Bandito machine.

"Relax boyscout, it's an ammo machine." Jack said.

"Boyscout! Why would you think I was a boyscout! They're just a bunch of little boys getting raped by their scout masters!" Renko said.

"Are not! I was a boyscout back in Britain!" Roach said weakly.

"Did they even have boyscouts back in Britain?" Darius asked.

"I'm not sure? Does anyone have an Iphone so we could look it up?" Roach asked.

"Let's see...I want this, and this, this, this, and this, definitely this, Ugh, not that, oh that, that, and that!" Jack said, buying stuff from the El ammo.

A box of shotgun shells, grenades, machine gun rounds, AP rounds, Bolts, Gasoline, Liquid nitrogen, and proximity mines shot out from the machine's slot. The shells slammed into Roach's head while the machine gun rounds nailed him in the gut and the gasoline clothes-lined him over the head, knocking him back in the car.

"Get your mitts off my shit fag!" Jack said, taking his stuff and nailing Roach in the face.

Jack spotted 2 splicers standing in a massive puddle of water. He zapped it with electro bolt and they were electrified. Then, suddenly, they shook it off and turned to face him.

"You'll have to do better than that, stranger. We got Electric flesh spliced in." the one with the underwear on his head said.

"Why the hell do you have underwear on your head?" The other splicer in a trench coat asked.

"It's a fetish." The one with the underwear said.

Jack got impatient and shot some icicles at them both, freezing them. Then he walked right up to their frozen carcasses and blasted them to pieces with his shotgun. The underwear fell in the puddle. The guys moved forward into a small circular tunnel. Jack shot some more icicles at a nearby camera, freezing it. He hacked it and heard pounding footsteps.

"Oh my god, It's Godzilla!" Roach panicked.

"No, it's another walking tuna can." Jack said.

"Tuna! I love tuna!" Roach said.

Before Jack could explain to Roach, Roach rushed around the corner and was immediately thrown back into the wall.

"That's not a walking tuna can! It's one of those Mary things." Roach said.

"They're called Rosies Roach." Jack said.

Jack charged around the corner with his shotgun yelling bloody murder.

Meanwhile, in the adjacent bar...

Blotch, Floogal, Pickle and Double dose sat at the bar counter, downing beer.

"I can't believe Ryan got his ass assassinated." Floogal said.

"We would have saved him if you shit heads stopped those intruders!" Blotch said.

"I didn't see you doing anything!" Floogal said.

"I did this!" Blotch said, tackling Floogal.

Blotch grabbed Floogal and slid him down the bar counter, headfirst into a Jukebox.

"Without Ryan, the only big shot left is Fontaine." Pickle said.

"What about that bitch Sofia Lamb?" Blotch asked.

"No one has seen her ever since the civil war started. She's probably hiding somewhere waiting for the sequel to begin." Double Dose said.

"Wherever she is, shes probably locked up tight in some kind of bunker." Blotch said.

Somewhere else in rapture...

A woman wearing glasses and a business dress knelt down by a pile of burning books that were written by Leon 13. A pot was suspended over it with sticks and she stirred the red liquid inside it with a pencil with an eraser taped to it. She lifted it out and licked some of the substance.

"Needs more salt." She said.

She procured a human bone and a cheese grader. She rubbed the grader against the bone and it's shavings fell into the pot. She was in an alleyway with a card board sheet above her.

Back to Olympus heights...

"I wonder if Fontaine's hiring?" Floogal asked.

"That might be the first big idea you've had since the party!" Blotch said.

"You mean smuggling weapons in in our under britches?" Floogal asked.

Blotch ignored the question and went to a public pay phone hanging on the wall. He dialed Fontaine's number.

Meanwhile, Fontaine was sitting in a pool of water in the generator room which he was using as a hot tub. A splicer wearing a waitress outfit came in with a brass plated phone.

"Sir, there is a call for you. Would you like me to polish off your brass phone?" The splicer asked.

"It's not brass! It's gold!" Fontaine said.

"Sir, you can certainly tell it's brass." The splicer said.

"I can't afford a gold phone so I just use brass! Why else do I use this pool in the generator room as a hot tub! I have a bunch of splicers under the floor blowing into it with straws to make jets! Just pretend it's gold!" Fontaine said.

Fontaine picked up the phone.

"By the way, may I take this ridiculous outfit off? It clashes with my skin tone." The splicer asked.

"Get outta my sight before I make you dress like a gimp. Hello?" Fontaine asked.

"Hello, mister Fontaine?" Blotch asked.

"Call me Frank. All my buddies call me that." Frank said. "Not you Mr. Author!"

"I was wondering if ya had any job openings." Blotch said.

"Sorry, my staff is full." Fontaine said.

"No, I mean like any henchmen positions. You know, guys who carry out your evil bidding?" Blotch asked.

"That depends, where are yous?" Fontaine asked.

"Olympus heights." Blotch said.

"Hmmmm. I think I can use yous guys. Heres your job. Theres this apartment that belongs to this crazy German woman. Inside it is this bottle of shiny stuff. I want yous to grab it and take it to my apartment there, the one the elevator leads to. If yous do good, I'll pay yas 500 bucks." Fontaine said.

"Oh right away Frank!" Blotch said before hanging up.

"Well? Did we get the job?" Floogal asked.

"Damn right we did! And all we gotta do is break into someone's apartment, steal a vial of shiny stuff, and deliver it to Fontaine's apartment!" Blotch said.

"Blimey! That's gonna be a cakewalk!" Pickle said.

The gang ran out of the bar. Blotch ran back in real quick and took a swig of a bottle sitting on the counter before running out again.

Back to the original gang...

Jack clanged the head of the dead elite Rosie with his wrench for the 100th time, it was all dented and it's glass was broken. The little sister was petrified with fear. Renko was filing his nails, Darius was reading a nudey magazine, and Roach was eating a Chalupa. Jack got tired of hitting the rosie and grabbed the little sister by the waist. He rubbed his hand against her forehead and she flashed. He set her down where she thanked him and ran off.

"I'm really starting to wish I chose the other option." He muttered.

Jack bent over and clutched his chest again. His vision flashed yellow and his Health meter shrank again.

"He He he. What's wrong kid? Need a Tums?" Fontaine taunted.

"Hey Fontaine...need an accent?" Jack taunted.

"Hey, I'm an American Gangster! Just lay down on the ground and wait for your heart to stop! My boys are gonna kill you one way or another." Fonatine said.

"Oh go fishing and get shot by Michael Corleone." Jack said.

"My little ones want to thank you again." Tenenbaum said.

"Hey, get lost! We're trying to chat here." Fontaine said.

"Well I believe your turn is over." Tenenbaum said.

"Listen mother goose, if ya don't get your tail feathers out of here quick, I'll smash every egg you got!" Fontaine said.

"What are you babbling on about?" Tenenbaum asked.

Jack turned off his radio. He spotted a nearby Gatherer's Garden and saw a Little sister place a present by it. He opened it and got 200 ADAM, 50 AP bullets for the machine gun, and 3 EVE hypos. He bought a health upgrade and Electro Bolt 3 at the garden.

"I'm going pop into the bar before happy hour ends." Darius said.

"What are you-" Jack started.

Jack turned around and saw an entrance to a bar he never noticed.

"I wonder why they call them bar-" Roach started before Jack violently shoved him aside and dashed into the bar.

Renko and Roach followed them in, where Jack was inhaling an entire keg of beer. A square counter circled around the center of the room. Darius was passed out at the bar counter.

"Can you check to see if they have any pretzels? I love pretzels. My favorites are from Auntie Annes. I'm not too crazy about the salt through. Bad for human body." Renko dragged on. "Oh look! Another personal Audio recording device."

"There have been Mozarts of many things, Music, Art, even porn. But now we have a new mozart, genetics! Yesterday, I cut this woman open and put a live hamster inside her! I'm just throwing genetics at the wall and seeing what sticks. I've stapled my underwear to my ass, collected 17 samples of cat urine, and glued a pail of battery acid to my ceiling! I now have new idea for plasmid! It's like sonic boom, but it only blows clothing off. Now Suchong can ogle sexy lady. Rar. Suchong a bad boy, spank him please." The audio diary said.

Jack threw the empty keg down to the floor.

"God, I feel like I can jump into a pit of spikes!" he yelled.

Suddenly, 2 turrets at the back of the room opened fire. Jack blasted them both with Electro Bolt 3. A shard of metal lodged itself into Darius' back. He jolted awake, screaming.

"What the fuck did you assholes do!" He moaned.

Darius grabbed the shard and pulled on it. Roach got behind him and grabbed it with both hands. He lifted both his feet and pressed them against Darius' back and pushed against it.

"Are you posting letters or something? Get that shit out!" Darius yelled.

"You whine more than my great uncle mar-" Roach started.

Roach suddenly managed to get the shard free and was thrown backwards.

"Jesus!" Darius cursed.

"There, nothing to HOLY MOTHER SHITTING GOOSE WAGONS!" Roach cursed.

The shard also pulled out one of Darius' shoulder blades.

"You pull out a fucking bone!" Darius yelled.

"Well your the one who wanted it to be pulled out!" Roach screeched.

"Don't worry, I was a field surgeon in Iraq." Renko said.

"Screw that, just use this." Jack said, tossing a First Aid Kit to Darius.

"How the hell is this supposed to reattach my blade?" Darius asked.

"I don't know. It always helps me." Jack said.

Darius knew this was the best it could get in a story like this. He held the bone to his shoulder and bandaged it on. Jack turned towards the exit.

"Do they have pretzels or not?" Renko asked.

Jack grabbed Renko by his ear and pulled him out the exit with the others. They started down another street car tunnel. Suddenly, a makeshift grenade hit the ground.

"Oooohhh! A Firecracker!" Roach started.

Seconds after picking up the grenade, it exploded in his face. A nitro splicer in a white coat moved towards the edge of one of the street cars.

"I thought they retired these enemies." Jack said.

"He probably isn't ready to retire. Let me help him." Renko said.

Renko whipped out his Centurion and shot a bullet right through the Nitro splicer's face. The splicer dropped his grenade box and fell headfirst to the ground. Jack snapped a photo of him with his camera.

"There. Now your fit to retire." Renko said.

Suddenly, another grenade flew through the air towards the gang. Darius fired a shockwave at it, hurling it right back at it's thrower.

"Thanks for actually responding this time S.A.M." Darius said.

"You are still a stranger to me." S.A.M said.

"Awww shut up." Darius said.

"Wow guys, I had the weirdest dream. I dreamed that Jack was a clown, Renko was a zombie and Darius was the Hulk." Roach said.

"Good, now maybe you'll wake up and fly away on a magic bed to kill the king of the nightmares." Jack said sarcastically.

The guys moved on through the tunnel until they reached an area known as mercury suites. Jack spotted a camera and put a bolt into it with his crossbow.

"I really hope we don't find Zack and Cody here." Renko said.

"Don't worry, we can just shoot them." Jack said.

"We oughta kill them after what they did to Toon Disney." Darius said.

More loud stomping was heard.

"I am on a roll with this..." Jack said as he drew his shotgun.

Meanwhile, in Tenenbaum's apartment...

Blotch picked up the waist basket and dumped it's contents out. All that was in it was a bunch of tampons. The apartment was a mess. Drawers were pulled out, couches were torn apart, and Floogal even stuck his hand down the toilet. Blotch waded through the junk over to Pickle.

"What was under the bed?" He asked.

"Jewish stuff." Pickle said.

"There wasn't anything in the toilet." Floogal said, walking towards them.

"I told you that before we got here!" Blotch said.

Double dose hung down from the ceiling on a web, clutching a bottle.

"I've found it!" He said.

"Excellent! Where was it!" Blotch asked.

"It was in the refrigerator, next to a bottle of Vodka." Double Dose said.

"I think I'll take that with us too." Blotch said, heading for the kitchen.

"Now we just gotta deliver it to Fontaine's apartment." Floogal said.

"Shouldn't we tidy up the place first?" Pickle asked.

"Awwww who gives a shit? I planted some trap bolts in the bathroom just as a joke." Floogal said.

Back to Jack...

Jack freed the next little sister after butchering the Rosie.

"Why are they called Rosies again?" Roach asked.

"Haven't you heard of Rosie the Riveter?" Renko asked.

"Nope." Roach said.

"How did you ever get in the army?" Renko muttered.

Jack glanced to the right and saw another Power to the people machine. Rushing over to it, he upgraded his crossbow integrity, so the bolts wouldn't break as easy.

"Well, I guess now we start looting these here apartments." Jack said.

"We can't do that! It's against the law!" Roach said.

"And I follow my own law about not giving a shit!" Jack said, hitting Roach with his wrench.

They started with the apartment on the right of the elevator. The map said it was Cohen's apartment.

"That fucked up nut lived here? I hope we don't find more of his 'art' inside." Jack said.

They opened the door and immediately saw 2 splicers dancing in the center of the living room. A phonograph played beside the couch. Jack had his pistol trained on them as he and the guys entered.

"They're playing Dance Dance revolution!" Roach said.

"I think they're just dancing." Renko said.

"You guys keep your eyes on em. I'm gonna search what's left of this shithole." Jack said, slipping through a doorway.

"This reminds me of the time I was doing a mission for MI6. I went undercover to this dinner party and-" Roach started before Darius shoved a rolled up newspaper in his mouth.

"This music is so enchanting. Shall we dance as well?" Renko asked.

"I'm not gay." Darius said.

"He's not a good dancer. He took me to Prom last year." S.A.M said.

"I am too a bitchin dancer!" Darius said.

Darius grabbed Renko's hands and they started to tango. It was a really stupid scene. Meanwhile, Jack was shifting around in Cohen's living room. He was finding all sorts of insane shit. He found masquerade masks under the cushions of the couch, Pictures of Micheal Jackson in his dresser, Make up in the refrigerator, and chewed up crayons on a shelf.

"I cannot even think of the words to describe this." Jack said.

Suddenly, Jack heard record scratches. Then, he heard yelling and fire. Gun shots filled the air along with smashing and thumping. He ran back to the other room and saw the 2 houdini splicers dead on the floor. Darius had his pistols drawn and Renko had his Volk.

"What the hell happened?" Jack demanded.

"This idiot didn't like the choice of music." Darius said, pointing to Roach.

"And the mutants-" Renko started.

"Splicers." Jack corrected.

"Whatever, They got were angry and attacked us. I suppose it was only fair, since we broke into their home." Renko said.

"Fair? This isn't even their house!" Jack said.

"I just wanted to be a DJ." Roach said.

"Shut up, M night." Jack said.

"M Night isn't a rapper." Roach pointed out.

"Oh will you just try to muster more than one brain cell for once?" Jack demanded.

"I can't, all the others got killed in Canada. I was suppressing a-" Roach started.

"Don't start! Let's keep moving!" Jack said.

The guys left the apartment. Jack briefly stopped at the U-invent.

"I was suppressing a riot-" Roach started again.

"Shut up!" Jack hissed.

"...I got shot in the head-" Roach continued.

Jack turned around and slapped Roach across the face. Then he punched him in the face multiple times while holding onto his collar. After getting roughed up a lot, Jack let go of his collar and he fell down, unconscious. Renko recoiled in terror.

Jack bought some explosive buck at the U-invent and they went to the apartment across from Cohen's. The map called it Culpepper's apartment. They wandered into the living room, papers were scattered all over the floor. Jack heard some splicers singing in the next room and also heard a camera turning. With quick thinking, Jack quietly hacked the camera.

"Are there even still people living in these apartments? These rooms are filthy." Renko said, letting out his inner Nancy boy.

"Hey, I found a stack of porn mags." Darius said.

Jack successfully hacked the camera and walked calmly into the next room. 2 nitro splicers were sitting on a sofa.

"Hey fuck nuts! Aren't you a little old for Halloween?" Jack taunted.

The 2 splicers looked his way. Jack extended both of his arms and gave them the double finger while sticking his tongue out. The splicers got angry and grabbed their boxes of explosives. Jack ran back into the first room, where the splicers followed. They ran right into the green light of the camera which sounded an alarm. The splicers took off as 12 security bots followed them, shooting.

"I'm still wondering why they can't keep all their entries on a single machine." Renko said, handing Jack an Audio diary.

"I've been watching this weird woman for some time now. Through her window I see her painting weird shit. Just big splotches of colors. One time I even saw her roll around in paint and threw herself against the wall to make a silhouette of herself. Damn, I ain't seen someone this batty since Irish guy who took over Fontaine's position. Oh sweet, shes taking off her clothes. Ugh, her legs are all hairy. And her arms are bulky, and whats that between her legs? Oh god, it's not a woman. I've been watching Sander Cohen this entire time. (Vomits)." It said.

"Well, that will certainly make my day." Jack said, sarcastically.

Suddenly, Roach came tearing through the door shooting his UMP45.

"DIE YOU AFRICAN BASTARDS!" He screamed.

The guys dove behind an arm chair as bullet holes riddled the room. Feathers burst out of shot pillows, a vase shattered, a portrait of Barack Obama fell from it's hook, and a little yellow creature with a long tail from _Wow Wow Wubbzy_ shot blood out of a hole in his forehead before hitting the wall, dead. Roach's gun clicked 50 times from the empty magazine. Jack got up from behind the couch and slapped Roach across the face again.

"What the fuck was that!" He demanded.

"I'm sick of taking orders from you! From now on, I call the shots!" Roach said.

Jack whipped out his pistol and shot Roach in his left foot.

"There, you can call that shot daisy." Jack said.

"Alright, you win." Roach said, weakly.

The guys left the apartment and entered the last apartment on the first floor. It belonged to that weird guy, Suchong. Jack turned his radio back on.

"Say Ten, you know anything about some weird Chinese guy named Suchong" Jack asked.

"He worked for Fontaine on new plasmids. He may have had a part in your mind control. He is also very bad singer." Tenenbaum said.

"How the hell did you kn-" Jack started before clutching his chest again and flashed yellow.

"You ever got a dog you gotta put down? Breaks your heart doesn't it? I kinda feel this way about you kid, except you ain't a dog." Fontaine said.

"Don't you have other shit to do besides watching my every move?" Jack asked.

"No, not really. I broke my PC so theres nothing else to do." Fontaine said.

"Then...Go play Jinga or something." Jack said.

"Oooohhh, a treasure chest!" Roach said, reaching for an old trunk.

Roach opened the trunk and nearly choked to death from all the dust. Large gray clouds funneled out from the trunk engulfing the room.

"(Cough) (cough) Damn it Roach! My body's already damaged enough!" Jack yelled.

"I just hate it when I get dust in my contacts!" Renko said.

Jack used his Sonic Boom plasmid to blow the dust out of the way. It was funneled into the small air vents around the apartment.

"That shit won't bother anyone else." Jack said.

Back in Tenenbaum's safe house...

Tenenbaum just finished sweeping up the last of the glass from her shattered window. Her backed cracked.

"I wish I had some more inhalers to clear my lungs. I should be fine as long as there isn't any dust." She said.

Suddenly, the dust flew out of the vents and filled up the room. Tenenbaum fell to the ground and started coughing uncontrollably.

Back to the gang...

Jack turned the radio off due to all of the coughing coming from it. Jack looked in the trunk and found an Audio diary.

"Fontaine has cooked up fancy new experiment. He take little boy from Stripper and put junk in his brain. All he have to say is would you kindly and boy would follow commands. I help program him, so Fontaine give me fancy apartment next to his. Suchong's old apartment size of closet. Now Suchong in Plasmid business! Suchong make fortune! Why does Suchong speak like this so much? He from India, not Japan." It said.

Jack slunked down on a nearby arm chair and grabbed a newspaper off the floor.

"You guys go on and explore this place. I'm gonna rest." Jack said.

A splicer with a pipe came running down the hall towards Jack. Without even looking, Jack blasted him several times with his pistol. With that, Roach, Renko, and Darius proceeded further into the apartment. They came to a large study. It had book shelves, Cabinets, and Drawers. A yellow tonic sat on the counter along with an audio diary.

"Suchong record cure for Mind control over Fontaine's slave. He doing it because he afraid Fontaine use it to take over world. All you need is chemical Suchong call Lot 192. You simply mix many chemicals together until formula starts glowing different colors. Suchong lost last sample. He thinks German woman take it." It said.

"Come on Genie? Where the fuck are you?" Roach asked, rubbing the tonic like a lamp.

"Will you take that away from him? He's probably going to choke on it." Renko asked.

"The liquid?" Darius asked.

"No, the bottle." Renko said.

Strangely enough, Roach did try to wedge the bottle into his mouth Darius grabbed it, but Roach wouldn't let it go.

"Give it to me you bastard!" Darius said.

"I found it!" Roach mumbled.

"Jack will just punch you out anyway!" Darius said.

"It sounds like the last time you masturbated, Darius." S.A.M said.

"You stupid bitch! Will you shut the fuck up?" Darius yelled, letting go of the bottle and hitting S.A.M against the wall.

"Ow." She said.

Darius grabbed the bottle in Roach's mouth and tugged him along back to Jack. Jack had a pair of Reading glasses on while looking at the newspaper. Roach caught his immediate attention.

"Is that a tonic?" Jack asked.

"Mr. Klepto here shoved it in his mouth for no reason whatsoever and now it's stuck." Darius said.

"I think I can get it unstuck." Jack said.

Jack got up off the chair and took off his reading glasses. Without warning, he punched Roach in his gut and he spit the tonic out of his mouth. It hit the ground, covered in spit.

"Clever inventor? Who cares? I have hundreds of these weird component thingies." Jack said, kicking it away.

"Also, we found this audio diary." Renko said.

"Suchong record cure for Mind control over Fontaine's slave. He doing it because he afraid Fontaine use it to take over world. All you need is chemical Suchong call Lot 192. You simply mix many chemicals together until formula starts glowing different colors. Suchong lost last sample. He thinks German woman take it." It played.

"Lot 192 eh? I bet I know who that German woman is." Jack said.

"Lot 192? I have sample of it in my apartment! Go there and use it!" Tenenbaum said.

"Are you always listening to us? Stalker!" Jack shouted.

"Aye." Tenenbaum muttered.

"Come on lads! To the apartment!" Roach said.

"Also, did you know how a large cloud of dust burst into my-" Tenenbaum started before the guys moved on.

The guys went up to the second floor and entered an apartment that was abandoned. A shutdown panel rested on the wall.

"Hmm. Must have been the security chief." Jack thought.

The guys split up, roaming into different rooms. Jack glanced left and burst with excitement when he saw another power to the people machine on the wall. To be honest with you, I've lost track of which upgrades Jack purchased, so I don't know what he got next.

Darius entered some kind of office. There was a safe on the far wall. Drawing his hammer, he mercilessly pounded it until the door fell off, revealing a cache of ammo.

"I could have just looked up the combination." S.A.M said.

"I could have just looked up the combination." Darius mocked.

Renko entered the living room and saw a health station on the wall.

"Oh good. Some pain killers." He said.

He blasted it apart with his Volk shotgun and took the med kits. Roach found a shutdown panel.

"I prove my value to Jack by shutting down the security in this area!" Roach said.

He grabbed the switch and pulled down on it. Unfortunately, it wouldn't budge. It only moves if theres a security alert in progress. Even then, it requires money. Jack walked up behind Roach, watching him struggle with it.

"What are you doing? Like I care." Jack asked.

"I'm gonna turn off the security in this sector." Roach said.

"Couldn't you read the last paragraph? It only shuts off security alerts!" Jack pointed out.

"Then why would they put switches like these in civilian areas?" Roach questioned.

"Hey, I'm the one who does the questioning around here!" Jack hissed.

Jack grabbed Roach by the arm and dragged him out of the abandoned apartment. The guys went to the apartment across from the one they left. It's door was locked.

"Oh stubborn ey?" Jack said, pulling out his shotgun.

Jack aimed his boomstick at the doors handle and pelted it with buckshot. The handle didn't even receive a scratch.

"It's protected by some kind of indestructible metal." Renko observed.

"It must have been barricaded. Try the door upstairs." Tenenbaum said.

"Your apartment is 2 stories? What the hell kind of design is that?" Jack asked.

"It was a deluxe apartment." Tenenbaum said.

"Whatever, I've heard enough." Jack said.

The gang went up another floor. They found a camera on a tripod with an audio diary next to it.

"I've been stalking Fontaine for 18 days and all I can tell ya is this. His company is finished. After Ryan tore up Futuristics, Fontaine retreated in his apartment, with a load of booze and twinkies. I also saw about a dozen hookers enter and they never came back out. From what I can tell, he can probably stay in there for 6 years. I also saw one of them hos type in the keypad. The combination is 2609. I'll have to head over there sometime and party with them girls." It said.

"Great, even under the ocean you can't escape the Paparazzi." Jack said.

The guys finally found the 3rd floor door to Tenenbaum's apartment. Once they entered, they saw the place was a fucking mess.

"Jesus, did you have a fucking bar mitzah or something?" Jack asked.

"My apartment! Those damn looters must have hit it! Search and see if the Lot 192 sample is still there!" Tenenbaum said.

Once again, the guys split up. Roach entered the bathroom. He blindly walked through 12 trap bolts, again. Darius looked under a flower pot and under the rug. Renko opened a closet door and got shot several times by a turret inside. As he fell to the floor, he closed the door with his foot.

"And I thought closets were supposed have useful supplies." He muttered.

Darius opened a cabinet under the counter in the kitchen and found 17 glowing bottles inside. Each had a different name.

"Lot 137, Lot 007, Lot 362, Lot 777, Lot 666, Lot 890..." Darius said as he grabbed and examined each bottle before tossing it away and smashing it on Renko's face.

Jack was going through Tenenbaum's bedroom. He looked in her underwear drawer and found these massive panties. Tossing them away, he noticed a safe on the wall. He managed to hack it and opened it. He grabbed the bag of period pads and tampons. He dropped them and went to the kitchen. He slipped on a massive puddle of glowing liquid.

"What the fuck is this glowing urine shit?" Jack demanded.

"It's coming from that-" Renko started before another bottle smashed over his face.

Jack looked left and got hit in the face by another bottle.

"Well, it's not in there." Darius said.

"Really? Did you check in here?" Jack asked as he slammed a huge crock pot down on Darius' head.

"Hey guys, they're a bunch of weird spider webs in the bathroom." Roach said, stumbling into the kitchen tangled in wire.

"Well this was a huge waste of time." Jack said, grabbing a paper towel and wiping the chemicals off his face.

"Bounty, the quicker picker upper." Renko advertised.

"Fontaine must have it. His apartment can only be accessed via elevator. Unfortunately, it's locked by keypad." Tenenbaum said.

"Uhhh guys-" Renko started.

"Am I going to get my health upgrades back when this is over? I'm gonna be pissed if this game goes _Silent Hill Downpour_ on me." Jack asked.

"Guys, I'm kinda bleeding out." Renko said.

"What does _Silent Hill Downpour_ have to do with this?" Roach asked.

"Guys, I'm losing a lot of blood." Renko said.

"Near the end of the game, all your hard collected items and weapons are torn away from you like hair off your back, wouldn't that piss you off?" Jack asked.

"WILL YOU IDIOTS GET ME SOME FIRST AID?" Renko yelled.

"No one calls me an idiot!" Jack hissed, kicking Renko's head.

"Lay off! He's in a lot of pain." Roach said, cradling Renko.

"I'm gonna need stitches I think. And why are you resting my head on your groin?" Renko asked Roach.

"Well I'm fresh outta stitches, guess we're gonna have to leave you for the dead." Jack said.

"What?" Renko squealed, squirting blood out of his mouth.

"We can't leave him, hes our prissy nancy boy." Darius said.

"Perhaps I can fill the role." S.A.M said.

"S.A.M, you can't even imitate GLaDOS. Shut up." Darius said.

Roach pulled a pink handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped the blood off Renko's mouth.

"Wait a minute! I think I know someone who can help him!" Roach said.

Meanwhile, in a little playhouse in a backyard...

Doc Mcstuffins just finished sewing up her toy dragon, Stuffy's tail. Lamby the stuffed Lamb and Chilli the stuffed snowman were there as well.

"There, good as new." Doc said.

"_I feel better, so much better. Thank you Doc for taking all the_-" Stuffy started singing.

Suddenly, the door was kicked in by Roach, who was holding Renko in his arms. He banged Renko's head against the door frame as he and the others rushed inside. He banged his head again as he entered the backroom.

"DOC YOU'VE GOT TO HELP HIM!" Roach yelled.

"I'm in the middle of an appointment with another patient." Doc said.

"Are you fucked up on some shit? You'd rather save the life of some stupid toy than help a living human being?" Roach demanded.

"Hey, I'm not stu-whoa!" Stuffy said before falling off the gurney.

"Will you just help him already? We have a game to get back to." Jack said.

"I've never helped a human patient before." Doc said.

"Come on, stuffing, blood, what's the difference?" Roach asked.

"Just sew him up before I blow this retard's head off." Jack hissed, holding Stuffy be the neck with his Pistol's barrel pressed against his head.

"Okay Okay! I just need to give him a check up first." Doc said.

"A check up? What the fuck? He's bleeding out, you already know what's wrong with him, and you want to give him a check up?" Darius asked.

"We always give my patients check ups, just so we can sing this song that is branded into little children's minds." Doc said. "_Check your eyes, check your ears, find out how much you've grown._"

"_Time for your check up!_" Lamby and Chilli sang.

Darius kicked Chilli out the nearby window, abruptly ending the song.

"Right, just stand him on the scale." Doc said.

Roach set Renko down on the scale, whom immediately fell over.

"I..Can't...Feel my legs." Renko said weakly.

"My finger is really close to the trigger, girl." Jack said.

"Just heal him Doc..." Stuffy said, choking.

"He just needs a cuddle." Lamby said, hugging Renko's face.

"AAAHHHH! Get this thing off me!" Renko screamed, grabbing Lamby by her neck and strangling her.

"Lamby!" Doc said, restrained by Darius.

"Just fucking stitch him already!" Darius said.

Nervous, Doc grabbed a needle and thread and started sewing up Renko's gun shots. He strangled Lamby the entire time. He even pulled out his survival knife, cut her open and pulled all her stuffing out. Fortunately, Doc managed to seal all his bullet wounds. Lamby lay on the floor, with all her limbs torn off and stuffing scattered.

"There. Now you can sing the "all better" song now." Doc said.

"Are you shitting me? I was just attacked by your fucking voodoo lamb and you want me to sing?" Renko demanded.

"Well, all our patients do." Doc said.

"Doc, you can fix me right?" Lamby asked.

"Of course Lamby." Doc said.

"I think we're gonna hang on to your dragon friend here. He might come in handy." Jack said.

"What? But he's one of my best friends!" Doc said.

"How can you call magically manipulated toys best friends?" Darius asked.

"All my toys are my best friends!" Doc said happily.

"Alright, I'm getting creeped out. Lets get the fuck out of here." Jack said leaving.

"You need therapy." Darius said, Leaving.

"Tell your fucking toys to go to hell!" Renko yelled, leaving.

"I'm gonna sue you for operating without a license." Roach said, turning and walking for the door, but ran into a wall, then walked out.

"I hope we get an Emmy for this episode." Doc said.

Meanwhile, in Fontaine's apartment's lobby...

Blotch hid behind one of the pillars with his Tommy Gun ready. Floogal hid behind the opposite one with his shotgun. Double dose hung from the ceiling while Pickle hid in a trash can sitting in the middle of the room.

"They're on their way down. Smoke em." Fontaine said over the radio.

They all watched the elevator with anticipation. A long dramatic pause took place. Then, as the elevator doors opened, they all popped out from cover and started blasting it with their guns, fire balls, and scythes. Dust filled the air around the elevator as sparks flew and pieces of the wall flew off. Then, after an hour of this, they stopped. When the veil of dust finally settled, a torn, burnt and shot up stuffed dragon lay on the floor, barely alive.

"What the fuck?" Blotch said in confusion.

"How could you shoot a cute and cuddly fun animate stuffed-" Stuffy started before Blotch angerly ran up to him and stomped on his head.

"Where the fuck are those other maggots?" Blotch demanded.

"Hey, who wants candy?" A voice said.

The splicers turned around saying "huh?". Roach stood behind them with his hands in Halloween bags.

"I have sugar free and non-artificially flavored." Roach said again.

"Get that bloke!" Blotch yelled.

The splicers charged at Roach, who aimed the bags at the splicers and muzzle fire tore through not only the bags, but the splicers as well. All the splicies fell over dead. Fortunately, their DNA was backed up at a Vita station elsewhere. Jack kicked the ceiling panel out of the elevator's roof. He and the others jumped down. The bags slipped off Roach's hands, revealing dual TMPs.

"For a complete retard, that was pretty kick ass." Jack said.

"Really?" Roach asked.

"No." Jack said, hitting Roach on the head with his wrench.

"This place is pretty nice. Probably the most expensive apartment on the block." Renko said.

Jack easily disposed of the camera and turret in the room. They entered the next one where there was a staircase that lead left and right and had a stuffed polar bear in the middle.

"AAAAHHHH! HE BOUGHT EXOTIC PETS!" Darius yelled yelled, ripping it apart with his laser pistols.

"It was a stuffed Polar bear, you fucktard. It was probably worth like 300 dollars." Jack said.

"Fuck that! That damn thing cost me 1500 dollars! Are you lunatics outta your minds?" Fontaine yelled.

"Oh great, it's you." Jack said.

"Get your fucking asses outta my apartment! Theres expensive shit in there! Don't touch my cigars, my booze collection or the sample of Lot 192 in my office." Fontaine yelled.

"Did he say Lot 192?" Renko asked.

"Uhhhh, no." Fontaine said.

"Yes he did. My audio diary thing recorded it." Jack said.

"You mugs are gonna pay for this!" Fontaine threatened.

"When I get to wherever you are, your the one whos gonna get trounced." Jack said.

"What the fuck does that mean?" Fontaine asked.

"It means I'm gonna shoot you in the gut then I'm gonna stomp on you until your guts are nothing but mush." Jack said.

"We'll see whos guts are nothing but mush." Fontaine said.

Jack suddenly clutched his chest again and vision flashed yellow as his health meter decreased.

"You fucking mob bastard! You'd better hope I get my health upgrades back or I'll twist off your nuts with my wrench!" Jack yelled, which even scared his posse.

"Hah, you'll be long dead before you realize that my office is on the left staircase! Wait, DAMN IT!" Fontaine yelled before signing off.

"Well, you heard the traitor." Renko said.

"Hey! I call the shots!" Jack yelled.

"Then what do you want us to do?" Renko asked.

"Go to the staircase to the left." Jack said.

The guys went up the central staircase, near the torn up stuffed polar bear.

"Say, theres a trunk behind this." Roach pointed out.

"It's mine! I saw it first!" Jack yelled, shoving Roach out of the way.

Jack opened the trunk and pulled out some lady's under things.

"This bastard had a lot of time on his hands." Jack said.

"Can I have some of those?" Darius asked.

"Sure, I've already picked up around 20 pairs." Jack said.

Jack started up the left staircase while Darius grabbed handfuls of panties and stuffed them in his pants.

"You sir, are a disgusting pervert." renko said.

"And you sir, are a chickenwuss." Darius said.

"That was a lame comeback Darius." S.A.M said.

"What part of shut up don't you understand?" Darius asked S.A.M as he hit her against the floor.

Jack ducked under some trap bolts before Roach walked through them, again. Darius and Renko walked over him and followed Jack into the office. Inside, Jack grabbed the Electric Flesh 2 tonic and picked up the flask of Lot 192.

"So what do I do with it? Inject it in my arm?" Jack asked.

"Certainly not, you must drink it!" Tenenbaum said.

"I hope it isn't mint flavored." Jack muttered before chugging the tonic.

Jack almost vomited the horrible drink out. But then, his vision flashed white and his health meter grew to it's large size.

"Yeah baby! Jack is Back! And it sure as hell isn't the Jack from the canceled _Titanic_ sequel!" Jack said.

Suddenly, Jack's vision flashed Black and white and he automatically equipped Hypnotize big daddy on his left hand.

"What the fuck? This isn't on my Plasmid tray." Jack said.

"I suspected this would happen. The dose must have triggered an uncontrollable reaction that shifts your Plasmids automatically." Tenenbaum said.

"I experience the same thing whenever I drink too many eggs." Darius said.

"What the hell am I supposed to do now?" Jack demanded.

"You must find a second dose of Lot 192. I believe Suchong kept one in his lab at Apollo Square." Tenenbaum said.

"Great, now I have a quest to complete If I want to shoot shit outta my arms again." Jack muttered.

Before leaving, the guys went up the opposite staircase. They found themselves in a room with a bar, a coffee table with a box of cigars and an Audio diary.

"Them sad saps. All they do is whine about the economy. If they were like me, they wouldn't have to worry about their homes foreclosing. They could just shoot the tax collector. I own the stock exchange too, so I control who gets the stocks. And all them stocks belong to me. And if we ever gets a horrible leader like that Bastard Obama, I'd introduce him to my Incinerate plasmid." It said.

"Hallauyeh!" Jack yelled when he saw the bar.

"Don't you mugs even think about-" Fontaine started before Jack turned off his radio.

Jack and the boys stampeded over to the bar, grabbing a cigar as they go, where it's shelves were stocked full of rare liquor...

2 hours later...

Jack was laying across the bar counter. Bottles and spilled contents littered the floor. The ash trays were overflowing with ash. Renko was leaning against the wall, holding his appletini. Darius passed out on the coffee table, he wished he had some actual coffee. Roach was hanging from the ceiling fan by his legs. Smoke from their cigars filled the room.

"God, that was the most wonderful happy hour ever." Jack said, smoking the last of his cigar.

"Should we get back to our errands now?" Renko asked, taking a sip of his appletini.

"I guess. Theres nothing left to drink." Jack said.

Renko chugged the last of his Appletini and smashed it's glass over Darius' head.

"Ack, what the fuck!" Darius groaned.

Jack turned on the ceiling fan switch. The fan spun Roach around several times before throwing him into the wall.

"Alright then, lets go." Jack said.

Renko walked shoulder and shoulder with Roach and Darius. Before Jack left, he tossed his cigar unknowingly into a puddle of spilled liquor, starting a small fire. Anyway, the guys stumbled back to the elevator and rode back upstairs. They started following the way point arrow, falling over and stumbling into walls.

"Roach, the bulk head is this way." Jack said.

"The arrow is spinning, like a twister game dial." Roach said.

After another hour of this, Jack fell down right in front of the bulkhead door. He got to his feet and stumbled over to it. He fell and grabbed the handle to the door, spinning it. The door opened and Jack crawled inside. The others soon found their way to it as well.

"I can see penguins!" Darius said, walking in blindly.

Jack closed the door and just sat down on the cold steel floor, falling asleep. The others passed out as well, dreaming of unicorns, bathtubs and camel spiders.

To be continued...

**Jeez, sorry this took so long. I've been experiencing several cases of writer's block and was unable to write at certain times. Also, I've been fooling around with these animation programs, Blender and Pencil, I've been trying to make some characters to use with the Reality factory game software. Yes, I'm trying to start my own video games. Anyway, just wait patiently for the next chapter. Also, my first story, Daze hasn't continued because it doesn't have any reviews, so If ****you review it, I might continue it.**


	17. Renko the femmo

Chapter 17: Renko the femmo

**I got nothing.**

The bulkhead in Apollo square opened slowly. Jack weakly walked out, followed by the others.

"Sober is the worst phase of drunk." Jack said.

"At least we've regained our maximum awareness." Renko said.

Jack turned around and vomited on Renko. He turned around again and surveyed the area. They were in a circular room, with walls lined with missing person posters. There were posters for Cheryl Mason, Half Life 3, Gex gecko, Maximo, Subject Delta, Felix the cat, and Ezekiel the magic clown ninja.

"What the fuck? Was the Zodiac killer here or something?" Jack wondered.

An annoying circus of Value machine broke the silence. Jack went over and bought some potato chips.

"How can you eat at a time like this?" Renko asked, wiping vomit off himself.

"Never interrupt me when I'm eating!" Jack hissed, shoving chips in his mouth.

Roach looked at some of the missing posters. He grabbed this one about a missing Viet Cong child and found an Audio diary behind it.

"That rat bastard Steinman. He ruined my complexion. Oh well, he was still better than this dump. Those fucking creepy missing person posters give me nightmares. And I saw this guy trying to climb over a fence and another guy shot him. Uggh, worst off all, they don't have a nail salon down here! It's a good thing I brought all my beauty kit supplies in one of my 17 suitcases. I heard there was a nice guy named Atlas down here who would make me a supermodel if I helped him kill Ryan. I hope I won't have to get all bloody, this dress stains easy." It said.

"Can I please speak some dialog!" Darius demanded.

Jack threw the empty potato chip bag away.

"Tenny, wheres this stupid lab?" Jack asked his radio.

"YOU BASTARDS!" Fontaine yelled.

"Say, can you hang up? I'm trying to make another call." Jack asked.

"You break into my apartment, you vandalize my cigar and liquor collections, then you burn it down, which isn't covered by my lousy House insurance!" Fontaine yelled.

"Now your just making stuff up." Jack said.

"I'm gonna have every one of my goons down on you like Thor's hammer!" Fontaine threatened.

"Woo, I have a plastic replica of that!" Roach said.

"ARArARRARGGGGHHHH!" Fontaine growled.

"The lab is at Artemis suite." Tenenbaum said.

"I still hope we don't see Zack and Cody." Renko said.

"Great, this game has more apartments than _Silent Hill 4:The room_." Jack said.

The boys proceeded through the opening. They found themselves in a long tunnel with debris all over and some more wrecked street cars. Darius whistled.

"This looks like my hometown after I leveled it." Darius said.

"You destroyed your own home town?" Renko asked, shocked.

"Just for fun, I rebuilt it with nanites." Darius said.

"I rebuilt it with nanites." S.A.M said.

"Damn it, will you shut the fuck up!" Darius hissed.

The gang started walking around the rubble. Suddenly, Jack spotted a Rosie in the distance.

"Feast on 100 volts bitch!" he yelled, raising his hand.

Then, a massive swarm of bees flew out of Jack's hand and started stinging Roach, who ran off somewhere in terror.

"Damn it! I fucking hate these damn chemicals!" Jack cursed.

Several rivets flew past Jack's head, enticing him and the others to run like hell in the opposite direction. The Rosie stomped after them, with a little sister following close behind. Before the Rosie caught up with them, a massive fragment of ceiling being stomped on by Alcatraz smashed down on it like the paparazzi, squishing it like a fly. The little sister simply poked through it like a needle going through cloth.

"Hey guys! Sorry, I'm late. I made a pit stop at SSB-1. I was hoping to grab a bite to eat, but the place was crawling with these weird green guys." Al said.

Roach could be seen running behind Alcatraz with the swarm of bees behind him.

"They're in my pants!" He screamed.

"I also made a dummy out of a dummy." Alcatraz said.

Al pulled Andrew Ryan's corpse from behind him. He now had a separate mouthpiece and little red circles on his cheeks.

"Hey Ryan, whats a ghosts favorite lunch meat?" Alcatraz asked.

"Boo-loney" The Ryan dummy said.

"Ha ha. Very funny." Jack said sarcastically.

Jack plucked the little sister out of the rubble and Rescued her. Then, he extended his arm with a fist at the end and Roach ran right into it, falling over.

"So where you guys heading?" Alcatraz asked.

"We're going to Suchong's lab to get an antidote to my illness." Jack said.

"Awesome! Let's gogogo!" Alcatraz said, sprinting down the tunnel.

Jack and the guys unenthusiastically walked down the rest of the tunnel. They reached the town square where several splicers hung from large poles by their necks, causing Roach to scream like a girl.

"I haven't seen something this hideous since-" Roach started before Jack shoved a brick in his mouth.

Jack looked to the right and saw a multitude of lights coming from this small room. The guys entered it and found virtually every type of vending machine there, including a Gatherer's garden.

"Don't bother visiting the garden. Your genes are too unstable to be spliced." Tenenbaum said.

"Alright, they don't have anything good anyway." Jack said.

Jack picked up an Audio diary from the floor.

"They say Atlas died, but he's actually still alive. He just pretended to be dead, isn't that clever? I just met him today. His hideout is in the little sister orphanage. Oops, I shouldn't have said that. Oh well, I doubt anyone else will be listening to this. I had a horrible day today, I broke both of my heels and my dress got brains all over it. Uggh, I wish Atlas would spring a few bucks to buy a washing machine." It said.

Jack bought his usual stuff at the vendors and the guys stepped out of the room. A grenade landed at Jack's feet. Jack dove aside as it exploded, throwing Roach into the wall. Renko spotted a Nitro splicer on top of one of the poles. He shouldered a weapon known as a spikeshot and looked through it's thermal imaging scope at the splicer. He fired a small rivet right at the splicer's groin. The splicer dropped his box of explosives and fell off the pole, moments later, the spike exploded, blasting him into pieces.

"I love these E99 guns." Renko said.

Jack got up, dusted himself off, and lead the guys into another tunnel. Jack hacked a healing station so no one else would use it. Unfortunately, Roach was badly hurt and he inserted a couple British pounds into the slot. The machine spit them back out.

"Oh come on! It's worth only a few U.S dollars less!" Roach hissed.

Roach punched the health station, which the punched him in the face with a boxing glove. Meanwhile, Jack and the guys reached Artemis suites.

"Perhaps theres a ledger that lists the occupants of the apartments." Renko said.

"Or we could just smash into every one and loot them." Darius said.

"I like his idea." Jack said.

"Can't we do something civil for once?" Renko asked.

"Does anything down here look civil?" Jack asked.

"Do you call shooting a dude in the nuts civil?" Alcatraz asked.

"...No, I guess not. Let's break and enter baby!" Renko said.

Meanwhile, at Hestia...

The vita chamber in the corner glowed immensely. It's doors opened, letting 4 splicers fall out.

"DAMN IT! HE KILLED US AGAIN!" Blotch yelled, kicking a trash can.

"I like the smell the vita chamber makes when it spawns someone." Pickle said.

Blotch picked up a fire hydrant and slammed it over Pickle's head, smashing it. Pickle fell out of the vita chamber again.

"I still like the smell." Pickle said.

"WE LOST OUR GUNS AGAIN!" Blotch yelled before breaking a stone wall with his head.

"Not all hope is lost. We can still seek vengeance." Double dose said.

"Will you stop talking in riddles for one damn sentence!" Blotch demanded.

"I used to work for Atlas. His hideout was near this location." Double dose said.

"So?" Blotch asked.

"He had a weapon stash there." Double dose said.

"...So?" Blotch asked.

"So maybe we can salvage some weapons from the stash." Double dose said.

"...So?" Blotch asked again.

"We get guns at hideout." Double dose said like he was talking to a little child.

"AHH Yeah! Now that's the shit!" Blotch said.

"The hideout is on the 4th floor." Double dose said.

"Come on lads, the hideout is on the 4th floor!" Blotch said, running up the stairs.

"I just said that, you incompetent fool." Double dose muttered.

The splicers went upstairs. They entered the HQ. It had a table in the middle, a camera near the basement stairs, and a caged area filled with guns.

"GUNS!" Blotch yelled.

Blotch threw his whole body forward. Floogal grabbed one of his suspenders and pulled him back, hitting the floor.

"Be careful boss, theres a camera over there." Floogal said.

Blotch grabbed Floogal by the neck and shoved him against the wall.

"The cameras are on our side you empty headed oaf!" Blotch hissed.

"Oops, sorry Blotch." Floogal said.

Blotch grabbed Floogal by his collar and dragged him outside. Then, he pushed Floogal over the railing and fell down 4 stories before hitting the concrete floor, smashing his body. He fell out of the vita chamber again.

"I said I was sorry Blotch!" Floogal yelled upwards.

Back to the real gang...

After looting some containers for random shit, Jack and the boys went up to the second floor. A large sign saying "Dr Suchong's medical clinic" hung over a door.

"Well, here we are." Jack said.

"Good, I could use some painkillers." Renko said.

Renko walked through the door (not literally you fucktard) and was spotted by a camera. He ran back out, followed by some security bots. Jack shot a red enrage apple out of his hand which splashed harmlessly on one of them.

"Stupid ass humor effect." Jack muttered, with an audience laughing in the background.

Jack whipped out his chemo thrower and zapped the little clockwork things with his Electric gel until they burst like overstuffed cream sticks.

"Mmmm, Cream sticks." Roach muttered.

Jack stepped through the door and put a steel bolt in the camera's lens. He saw 2 doors on opposite sides of the clinic, along with a small room in front of him. Suddenly, the screen went black and these white letters came up;

"You reach a fork. Which way will you go?

Go Left.

Go right."

"What the fuck is this shit?" Jack asked out loud.

"It's one of those early RPG games. I used to be a veteran of Zork." Renko said.

"How did you ever get in the army?" Darius asked.

"Guess what I'm doing." Roach said.

"Get off my foot lard pole." Alcatraz said.

"Lard pole?" Roach asked.

"Okay, fuck this." Jack said.

Jack pulled out his wrench and swung it at the letters. The black screen shattered like glass and the pieces fell to the ground.

"This is how you choose directions." Jack said.

Jack pulled out his pistol and set it on the floor. He spun it with the tip of his foot, using it like a bottle. It stopped, pointing to the right.

"Well, we go that way." Jack said, taking back his pistol.

Jack started to the right and saw a doorway to the left that was covered with trap bolts.

"Hey Roach, I think theres a terrorist hiding in there." Jack said.

"Oh no. I ain't falling for that trick again." Roach said.

Jack grabbed Roach by his collar and shoved him through the trap bolts. He hit the floor and was about to get up, but then he got shot in the back several times by a turret. Alcatraz rushed into the room and tore the turret off it's casing.

"Thanks buddy." Roach said, before Alcatraz stomped on his nuts. "Why!"

"Cause I ain't your buddy. You gays can go to hell for all I care." Alcatraz said.

"I'm not gay!" Roach said.

"Oooh, Cat fight." Renko said.

Suddenly, a scream came from the door Jack was about to go through. Darius ran out from it.

"There are dead people in here!" He panicked.

"Whoop de doo." Jack said.

Jack went through the door and saw some dead bodies on gurneys, he picked up the tonic that was sitting on a table.

"Medical expert 3. Didn't I just get the second one of these a chapter ago? Don't they have anything gun related!" Jack questioned.

In anger, Jack kicked over a gurney with a dead body on it. A bunch of maggots fell out of it's chest cavity. Disgusted, Jack fled the room and sealed the door with his chemical thrower's fuel. Jack went to the door across and shrieked when he saw a body impaled to the floor by a Bouncer's drill.

"It's scary, isn't it?" Darius asked.

Jack elbowed Darius in the gut. Jack saw an audio diary in the hands of the corpse. He grabbed it, but the corpse wouldn't let go. Alcatraz grabbed it and ripped the entire arm off with his suit's super strength. He pried the fingers off and handed it to Jack.

"Suchong still working on protection bond. Big daddy watches girl but does not protect her when threatened. Papa Suchong. Papa Suchong. Silence girl! As Suchong was saying, Hormones must not be working correctly. I yell at girl and kick her, yet bouncer still do nothing. Suchong believe that faulty equipment is responsible. Papa Suchong. Shut up! Suchong will begin work on Subject Delta, who will be protagonist of second game in series. If only Suchong can bond him. Papa Suchong. Damn it brat! Silence! (Slap) (Cry) (roar). No! No! It an accident! Put large drill down! ! Give Suchong's accent to Guy from _Final Fantasy 2_ !" It quelled.

"Well, no more chong." Jack said happily.

Roach grabbed the drill and started pulling on it. Jack glanced to the left and saw the bottle of Lot 192 on the table. He rushed over to it and chugged all of it down his gullet. He tossed the bottle out the window.

"Ow! My eyes!" A voice screamed.

Jack raised his hand and saw it coursing with electricity. He had now regained control of his powers.

"Good, you are ready to confront Fontaine now. Go to metro-" Tenenbaum started.

"Sorry butter muffins, you've served your purpose." Jack said.

"I'm sorry?" Tenenbaum asked.

"You heard me Mein Kampf, we don't need you anymore. So piss off." Jack said.

"Hmph." Tenenbaum said.

"Don't hmph me bitch." Jack muttered.

"Well, looks like the sick little dog is all better now." Fontaine said.

"And this little dog is gonna rip off your wang and shove it down your throat." Jack said in a similar manner.

"Heheheh, I'd like to see that. Sadly, you ain't gonna make it." Fontaine said.

"Just watch you mobster wannabe." Jack said, turning off his radio.

"Wanna check out the other floors? There might be some sweet shit on them." Alcatraz said.

"Sure, lets go all out." Jack said.

Roach finally managed to pull the drill out of Suchong's corpse. He put it on his arm.

"Hey look, I'm a bouncer." Roach said.

Suddenly, the drill started and pulled Roach into a nearby wall. After pulling his arm out of it, the guys went up to the 3rd floor. They entered and found a very messy bunkroom with corpses in the beds.

"They're sleeping..." Roach whispered.

"Are you retarded? They're dead you shit head! Look, watch this." Jack said.

Jack took aim at one of the sleeping splicers with his pistol and shot him in the leg. The splicer opened his eyes and clutched the wound on his leg.

"Okay, so I was wrong. You gonna shut up or do I have to twist off your nuts too?" Jack asked.

Suddenly, 8 other splicers awoke in their bunks and jumped to the floor. The brandished their melee weapons and charged at the guys. Jack fired a couple shots from his pistol, hitting one of the angry mobsters in the head. Darius fired a shockwave at the small horde, throwing them and virtually all the furniture against the wall. One splicer was crushed by a bunk bed. As the others began to get up, Alcatraz spit out around 50 bullets out of his Feline assault rifle at the helpless mutants, while ripping up the furniture as well.

"Yeah baby! Take that as a sleep pill!" He taunted.

Alcatraz fired his assault rifle up at the ceiling in victory. Then a ceiling fan crashed down on him. Jack climbed over the wrecked furniture (which wasn't covered by the apartment's insurance) and entered a dark room. No, a dark room for cameras and that shit. It was red and several cameras were sitting around. Jack collected their film, though he really didn't need it since he barely used his camera anymore.

"I'd rather shoot a lead bullet into some idiot's skull that snap pictures like that one Pokemon game." Jack said.

Roach picked up and opened a folder on the table. It had a bunch of naked pictures of Tenenbaum, when she was still sexy. Roach slipped the pictures into his side pack. Jack hacked a safe and more cameras fell out. The guys went to the other side of the apartment, which held a bathroom.

"Good, I ate some bad Chinese earlier." Darius said.

Darius rushed into the room and was hit in the chest by an RPG round fired by a turret. He flew back, through a line of trap bolts, and hit the white tiled wall. He pulled out his sledge hammer and swatted the next RPG round back at the turret, blowing it up. Darius went over and vomited on it's remains.

"Yeah, tell your idiot friends to melt in hell!" Darius taunted.

"It is an inanimate object Darius, it cannot hear you." S.A.M said.

"Look whos talking." Darius said.

The guys finally left the unexciting apartment, when they saw around a dozen splicers from below.

"Oh shit. Looks like we ticked off the neighborhood watch." Renko said.

"Who gives a shit?" Jack asked.

Jack shot a grenade down below and blew up several of the splicers. Their flaming body parts rained down on the others. Alcatraz shouted and jumped off the 3rd floor and slammed his fist down on the groin of a splicer who was knocked down.

"My army is unstoppable. And all I have to do is make them think they're gonna get maximum salary." Fontaine said over the radio.

One splicer crept up to the 3rd floor, with a frying pan in hand. He snuck up behind Roach and hit him over the head with it. Renko spun around to face him and, using his TMD, turned him to dust. Roach was laying on the ground unconscious. Darius picked up his body and threw him over the railing, where he landed on 3 splicers. Renko looked at him, shocked.

"What? It's called improvising." Darius said.

"You have a nanotech device that can punch through walls and you throw you colleague over the edge? That's not improvising, that's-" Renko started.

Darius grabbed Renko and tossed him over the railing too, where he landed on 4 splicers. Jack shot a crossbow bolt into the chest of one splicer, who was cradled in the arms of his friend.

"I'm not gonna make it Grayson." the splicer said.

"No, your gonna kill those bitches and go home a hero and marry that girl you've had your eye on." Grayson, the other splicer said.

"Tell Angela that I love her. Her fanfiction always makes me cry." The wounded splicer said.

"The one who writes those horny Spyro stories? Damn, I get turned on just thinking about her." Grayson said.

"Yeah, in this one she published yesterday, Cynder and Spyro were making out and (cough) the description was so fucking hot." The wounded Splicer said.

"What was it called? What was it called?" Grayson yelled, shaking his friend violently.

"It was called-" The splicer started before he croaked.

"Damn it. What am I going to masturbate to tonight?" Grayson asked himself before a bolt implanted itself in his head.

Roach slowly came to and sat up amidst the chaos. Splicers were running around like the AI controlled characters in the first _State of Emergency_ game. In fact, a guy in jeans and a red tropical Hawaiian shirt (Macneil, the main guy from the said game) was smashing splicers with a public bench. Roach stood up on his feet as Darius rolled by shooting his twin pistols. Another splicer ran towards Roach with his pipe raised and was clothes lined by Jack's wrench.

One splicer was knocked to the ground, and as he tried to get up, another splicer fell on him. This continued until it hit a pile of 10 splicers. Guns fired and bones cracked as the gang tore up the splicers like me tearing through a Cake batter milkshake. Alcatraz punched a hole through one splicer's torso, spewing out sand like in _Spider man 3_. The splicer laughed at first, but then, Alcatraz punched his head off, landing in a trash can.

Roach just continued to stand in place, as his mind was still very hazy. Splicers flew by his face in slow motion. Jack did slow motion cart wheels and punched a splicer in the groin then elbowed him in the head. Renko blasted away around 12 splicers with his TMD shockwave. Darius shot a magnet at one splicer and sent him hurtling into a bunch of others.

Macneil smashed a ming vase over one splicer's head and ripped his arm off then beat him with it. Then, a man in a battle skirt, pale white skin and red full body tattoo (Kratos from _God of War_) jumped into the fray with this massive blue sword and sliced a bunch of splicers in half. A man in black and white pants with red gloves and pointy black hair (Jin from _Tekken_) did a long spin kick and smacked another bunch of splicer's on the sides of their heads. Then a guy with blonde hair, sunglasses, red tank top, blue pants and fingerless gloves (Duke from _Duke Nukem_) calmly stepped into the fray with a cigar in his mouth and calmly punched an attacking splicer. All this was done in slow motion.

Jack and the other primary characters got on they're knees and crawled underneath the rioters. They were able to crawl out of the mob and slip out unnoticed. The cameo characters and splicers just kept fighting. The guys went back to the square with the hung splicers.

"Now I can spend some of this ADAM." Jack said.

"But Jack-" Roach started.

"Shut up Roach, I had my eye on that Human Inferno 2." Jack continued.

"Jack, theres a Rosie-" Roach continued.

"I said Shut up Roach. Then again, maybe another Plasmid slot will do." Jack said.

"But Jack-" Roach said.

"DAMN IT YOU RETARD! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY!" Jack yelled in Roach's face, splashing it with spit.

Jack glanced left and noticed a new Rosie and little sister by the hanging poles in the square.

"Sweet, now I can get some more Jesus juice." Jack said, walking towards it.

Jack eagerly ran towards the Rosie, blasting her with his Tommy gun. She threw a proximity mine at him, which hit the ground. Jack stepped on it and he was thrown into the air. He landed on the Rosie's shoulders and clamped his legs around her neck. He started smacking her face plate with his wrench, cracking the glass.

The Rosie went insane and dropped her rivet gun, running around aimlessly. She ran face first into one of the hanging poles. The pole slowly tilted to the side before falling right into the next one. Like children's dominos, the poles knocked each other down. The final one smashed through the wall above the tunnel to the apartments, rubble fell down all over the opening, sealing it. All the morons still fighting in the apartments watched in horror.

"How are we gonna get out of here?" Jin asked before getting smacked in the face by a golf club.

The idiots kept fighting afterwards. The Rosie kept running around, with Jack still clinging around her neck. Jack was drinking a cup of coffee to relax. Then the Rosie ran under a sign and slammed Jack right into it, throwing him off and splashing the scalding hot liquid all over his groin. Jack held his groin as the Rosie advanced on him with her arms stretched.

Jack whipped out his shotgun, which was whipped out of his hand by the Rosie's fists. His buddies were sitting in the bleachers eating popcorn and holding big green foam hands. The Rosie pulled back her arm, about to punch Jack, but before it hit, Jack grabbed the little sister and held her in front of him. The rosie punched the little sister, who absorbed the blow and shoved Jack further down into the ground, making a crater.

"Bad Mr. B!" The sister cried.

Jack grabbed the little sister by her legs and swung her at the Rosie's head, and the little sister's body was so strong, she swatted the Rosie's head right off. The head slammed hard into Roach's face, knocking him off the bleacher. Jack freed the little sister.

"My little ones want to thank you yet again. They left you a gift at the gatherer's garden." Tenenbaum said.

"Tell the little bitches I said thanks." Jack said.

Jack went over to the gatherer's garden machine and opened the little gift wrapped box. It contained the Prolific inventor tonic, 200 ADAM, and a cream cake.

"Cream cake? They couldn't give me some shotgun shells?" Jack demanded.

"They ran out." Tenenbaum said.

Jack grabbed the pastry and shoved it in his mouth. Cream was smeared on the left edge of his lips. He took the goods and bought a bunch of shit at the gatherer's garden machine. He went over to the bleachers where his lazy companions were still sitting. He shoved the bleachers over with a blast of Sonic boom 2. The guys were thrown to the ground.

"You lardos were a big help. Next time we see one of those bitches, you bitches better help me or I'm gonna grease everyone of you." Jack threatened.

"Ain't no way you can grease-" Alcatraz started.

Jack zapped Alcatraz with Electro bolt 3 and he fell to the ground with seizures.

"You got it boss." He said afterwards.

Jack and the others went down another tunnel. One path lead to the metro, while another lead to someplace called Hestia.

"I think we should check out this hestia place." Jack said.

"But time is of the essence. Fontaine still lives." Renko said.

"Nancy boy, If I wanted your opinion, I'd ask." Jack said.

"I'M NOT A NANCY BOY!" Renko yelled.

"Renko is a nancy boy, nancy boy, nancy boy." Jack and the others teased.

Suddenly, Renko's eyes glowed orange. His fists were surrounded by orange energy. He let out a bloodthirsty yell and a massive wave of orange energy shot of from his body, incinerating the entire city...

...And then he snapped back into reality. The rage just a figment of his imagination.

"You say something Ren?" Jack asked.

"No, I think exploring Hestia is a great idea." Renko said.

"Oh good. I thought you were gonna say something femmy." Jack said.

Renko put on a fake smile as he followed Jack and the others down the ramp. They arrived at the bottom of another apartment building. This one was even more run down than the others. A dead splicer was laying in the middle of the floor. A vita chamber sat to the left. An audio diary was laying next to the circus of values machine. As Jack moved to grab it, a turret on a balcony started shooting at him. Jack dove to the side and blasted it with his machine gun.

"I finally met Atlas in person today. He helped me carry all my bags up to my new room. It's filthy, but I can have an interior decorator come fix it next week. He kept telling me how awful Ryan is and he gave me a pistol to keep in my leopard skin purse. He really didn't like it when I kept applying my make-up in the middle of his briefings though. He is such a pig, I don't think he even takes a bath. And he shot my interior decorator too. Ugggh, I wish I stayed back...wherever I used to live." It said.

"Man, this place reminds me of the time I was looking for a missing Person in Silent Hill. These apartments I explored were filthy. They were dark, the windows were boarded up, there were weird straight jacket things all over the place, 50 of the doors were broken and the damn swimming pool was empty." Roach said.

"That reminds me of the time I did this!" Jack said, slapping Roach.

Jack started climbing the narrow stairway. The others jammed themselves upwards as well. They entered the 2nd floor apartments. There was another stairwell inside leading down.

"That's odd. Each apartment block has it's own basement." Renko said.

"Maybe theres a car down there!" Roach said happily.

Roach started down the steps and slipped on a can of WD40 and tumbled down the stairs. Suddenly, all the dust caused Darius to sneeze and he fell backwards into Jack, Renko and Alcatraz, sending them down the stairs as well. They all landed on top of each other and were piled up like a Viet cong body pile. Jack threw everyone off of him.

"Hey, it's a boiler!" Roach pointed out.

"Yeah, so?" Jack asked.

"Now we can get hot water!" Roach said.

Jack grabbed Roach by his head and shoved it up against the fucking hot boiler. Steam rose from Roach's face, while he screamed in pain. Jack then pulled Roach's head off the boiler, revealing a red spot on his face.

"Cool, I found a drill!" Darius said, holding an electric power drill.

"So?" Alcatraz asked.

"Now I can drill enemies to death!" Darius said.

Just then, his drill fell apart.

"Drills haven't been in style since _Silent Hill 1_." Alcatraz pointed out.

"Hey guys, I found a bunch of old hot wheels over there." Renko said, holding the box that had the cars.

"I used to play with those as a kid. I always tried to stick them up my nose." Roach said.

"If you morons are done reminiscing, we've got more rooms to loot." Jack said.

"Alright, but these cars are mine." Renko said, shoving cars in his vest.

The guys went back to the second floor and checked out the rooms. One had a shitload of bunk beds in it. For fun, Jack lit them all on fire with his napalm launcher. And unfortunately burnt Roach, who was trying to take a nap on one of them. The third floor was pretty much the same. Roach started telling everyone how the bunk beds reminded him of his boy scout days and how a future SAS soldier, Burns, tried to Rape him.

"Why are the boy scouts so gay!" Alcatraz asked.

"Maybe their hormones kicked in and they couldn't control them." Renko said.

On the 4th floor, Jack fumbled with this locked door.

"Well, we ain't getting in this way." He said.

"I guess we'd better push on." Roach said.

"Hell no, there might be something neat in there. Let's go to the floor above and see if we can punch a hole in the floor." Jack said.

"Hell yeah, that's my kind of plan!" Darius said, holding his hammer.

They skipped the next room and went right up to the 5th floor.

"Okay, we should be above it if we go about-" Darius started before he fell through a hole in the floor.

"Hmmm. Someone had the same idea we had." Renko said.

"Damn it, I was going to push Roach in." Jack said.

"Ow, I think I broke S.A.M." Darius said.

"No, I am still functional." S.A.M said.

"I'm sorry I asked." Darius said.

"Is there anything good down there?" Jack yelled down.

"Let me see...No, just a bunch of junk." Darius said.

"Damn, they got it before us." Jack said.

"Can you guys give me a hand? I can't reach the ledge." Darius said.

Jack looked around and grabbed a mop that was laying on the floor. He shoved it's pole down into the hole. Darius reached as far as he could towards it.

"It's too short." He said.

"I could just go down and carry him back-" Alcatraz started.

"Shut up. Renko, help me get down lower." Jack said.

Renko grabbed Jack's other arm so he could lean further down into the hole.

"I still can't reach it." Darius said.

"What are you? A midget? Al, lower us lower." Jack said.

Alcatraz grabbed Renko's arm so he and Jack could lean even lower into the hole.

"I can't reach you, just barely." Darius said.

"For the love of, Roach! Lower us!" Jack hissed.

Roach grabbed Alcatraz's arm and they all instantly fell into the hole as he leaned in, falling on Darius.

"Damn, you need to lose some weight tin man." Roach said.

Alcatraz punched Roach so hard, he flew through the wall and fell 4 stories, leaving a gaping hole in the wall. Jack broke out into laughter.

"Are you twisted or something? Our teammate is probably dead!" Renko said, sitting on Darius.

"I know, that's whats funny." Jack said.

Renko thought for a moment and started laughing as well, before Darius threw him off.

"How do we get out?" Darius asked.

"Jump out the window." Alcatraz said.

"We're on the 3rd floor." Jack said.

"So?" Alcatraz asked.

Alcatraz leaped out of the window. Just as Roach was lifting himself off the ground, Alcatraz landed on him.

"That super human dick." Darius muttered.

"Don't worry guys, I have a solution!" Renko said.

Renko looked out the window. He spawned a small dark blue orb on his TMD and threw it at the bottom floor, where it expanded. He grabbed Jack and Darius and pulled them towards the window.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Darius demanded.

"I'm gonna shove this wrench up your-" Jack started before Renko pushed them both out the window.

Jack and Darius plummeted past the 4 floors. Then, they fell inside the blue orb, which slowed down their descent to almost nothing. Renko happily jumped out the window and landed Gracefully on Jack's stomach. He leaped off onto the concrete and snapped his fingers. The orb vanished and Jack and Darius hit the ground.

"No need to thank me." Renko said.

Jack swatted Renko in the face with his wrench. The guys climbed all the way back up to the 4th floor again. Jack peeked through a nearby doorway. He could see 4 splicers trying to pull open a locked gate full of guns. Double dose was using his scythes.

"Damn it, what the fuck is this thing made of? Adamatium?" Blotch hissed.

"Maybe we could blow it up." Floogal suggested.

"And destroy all our guns in the process? Get yer head out of the gutter! We don't even have anything to blow it with." Blotch spat.

"Yes we do, I can use my incinerate plasmid." Pickle said.

Pickle threw a fire ball at the bars, superheating them and burning Blotch's hand. He grabbed it with his other hand and screamed.

"You fucking buffoon!" Blotch yelled.

"Here, I'll cool you off with my Winter blast plasmid." Pickle said.

Pickle aimed his hand at Blotch, but before he could shoot, Blotch grabbed his hand and aimed it away from him. Pickle accidentally shot some icicles at a passing Rosie who was looking for a little sister, freezing her.

"Damn it you moron! That bitch is gonna kill us now!" Blotch yelled.

"Ahhh don't worry, it'll take her awhile to-" Pickle started as the Rosie angryly broke out of the ice.

The rosie's visor turned blood red. Double Dose bravely stepped in front of the others. He swung his scythes in sequence like he was chaining a combo in a fighting game. The Rosie quickly grabbed Double Dose by the neck and broke it. He dropped the corpse to the ground. Blotch shoved Pickle on the ground in front of the Rosie and he and Floogal ran down a nearby set of stairs. The Rosie stomped hard on Pickle's skull before he could even look up and ran down the stairs after the others.

Jack and his gang entered the room. He quickly blasted the camera in the corner. Screaming and other loud noises could be heard downstairs. Renko looked at the table, which had a map on it that had blood on it that spelled "Atlas lives".

"Atlas lives? I thought he was Fontaine. Shouldn't it be Fontaine lives?" Renko wondered.

Darius smashed the latch to the gate that blocked the weapons room. Roach eagerly grabbed one of the makeshift grenade launchers inside. The screaming downstairs had ceased. The Rosie slowly stomped up the stairs, it's visor was now at neutral yellow again. The guys nervously back into a corner, aiming their guns at it. The rosie calmly left the room.

"I guess it needs to restock it's ammo." Renko said.

"Those things have unlimited ammo." Jack said.

"How do you know that?" Renko asked.

"It's the first rule of video games. Enemies have unlimited ammo!" Jack said.

"Not in the _Condemned_ series." Renko said.

"Awww just stuff it." Jack said, shoving a pacifier in Renko's mouth.

Jack lead the guys downstairs, where 2 mutilated corpses of splicers lay on the floor. They were almost completely flattened from the violent stomping of the rosie.

"Echhh, reminds me of the time I was in the elder god's temple and this guy I was with got crushed by a pillar." Roach said.

Jack upgraded his Crossbow again at a nearby power to the people station. Renko went through a nearby door and screamed. The guys rushed in and saw a female corpse laying next to a hole.

"Some woman must have been trying to divorce her husband..." Darius said.

Jack found an audio diary on the desk.

"Ello boyo. Damn I hate this fucking accent. I've been convicted of murder for almost 3 weeks. I know I'm not in jail, but it's still pretty long. I've turned a couple suckers to my side and I have them doing my grocery shopping, so I can just stay here and keep making these boring audio diaries. I don't understand why we can't just use the traditional paper diaries like Anne Frank used. Paper is hard to come by down here. In fact, we replaced toilet paper with human skin that was ripped from prisoners. That stuff feels nasty on my skin. And don't get me started on what they use instead of paper cups! They use- Atlas! We're back! Diane! Oh cripes. Your voice...Your Fontaine! I'm gonna tell all my friends on facebook that your alive! Then maybe they'll join us! Yeah, thats good. Just let me turn this off..." It said.

"Hmm, I guess he doesn't like facebook." Jack said.

Jack turned around and saw Renko holding back the others away from the corpse.

"Back off! I saw her first!" He hissed.

"I never even got to bang that last chick!" Roach said.

"That wasn't even a chick!" Renko said.

"I haven't made out with a woman since my college years!" Darius said.

"You never went to college." S.A.M said.

"Oh what do you know? Your just a robot." Darius said.

Jack reached for the corpse, but Renko blocked his path.

"Hell no, I want to fuck her first!" Renko said.

"I was just gonna search her pockets for supplies." Jack said.

"Yeah right, you probably just want to-" Renko started before Jack shoved him out of the way.

Jack found an audio diary in her pocket.

"Uggh, Today's raid was a mess. We lost Davey and Goliath, but we got 120 ADAM, a shotgun, Some paper clips, and a water balloon. I can't believe we had to rip that ecchy slug out of that little sister to get the most ADAM. I can't wait to tell Atlas, he'll be so happy. I'm certain that he won't mind if I just walk in without knocking. I'm positive he's not hiding anything." It said.

"There goes another side character. Alright, we're done here." Jack said.

"No we aren't! I still haven't made out with this dead chick!" Renko said.

"Fine, we'll wait." Jack said.

"But what about Fontaine?" Tenenbaum asked.

"He ain't going nowhere." Jack said.

Jack, Roach, Alcatraz, and Darius went back upstairs. Jack sat down and was reading a newspaper. Roach found some crayons and was drawing a picture of a kitty on the map on the table. Alcatraz listened to his suit's radio. Darius took a nap in the weapons room. Loud noises could be heard in the floor beneath them. Then, suddenly, a scream was heard. Renko hustled back upstairs, pale and trembling.

"That Woman wasn't a woman, again!" he said.

"Damn it, what the hell is wrong with everyone in this city!" Roach demanded.

"I guess that Steinman dude must have changed her sex." Jack said.

"Who's Steinman?" Renko asked.

"Someone I killed. Okay, lets go to the metro." Jack said.

The guys left Hestia and finally entered the Metro. There was a model of the city in a display case. It had a plaque that said "No gods or kings, only man". Jack smashed it up with his wrench.

"Hey, kid. What's say you and me have a little chat? Just you, me, and a Bathysphere to the surface." Fontaine said.

"I'll talk to anyone who has a way to get out of this damn city." Jack said.

"What about us, turkey?" Alcatraz said.

"Uhhh...Yous can make out with my hundreds of hookers." Fontaine said.

"Sweet! Hell yeah!" Alcatraz said.

"He is trying to deceive you! Don't listen-" Tenenbaum started before Jack turned off his radio.

"Finally, we won't have to spend another minute in this game." Jack sighed.

The guys got on board the bathysphere. Jack didn't want to revisit any old locations because he hated them all. Instead, he set the bathysphere's course to point Prometheus, where Fontaine was waiting for them.

"You guys want to here about the time I was searching for these weird alien orbs under the sea?" Roach asked.

"NO!" Everyone yelled.

To be continued...

**Again, sorry this took so long. Other stuff to do. In case your curious, The SSB-1 is the setting for an old horror game for the Sega Saturn called **_**Deep Fear**_**. Thats where Alcatraz made his pit stop. Well, I gotta get back to work not being a Slacker.**


	18. Laugh, it's funny!

Chapter 18: Laugh, it's funny!

**I can't wait until I finish this parody. I've been dying to start my Dead Space parody. One of my recent reviewers said that they wished Alec from **_**Red Faction Guerilla**_** was in this parody instead of Darius. For his/her pleasure, I'm gonna have Alec in a short cameo, enjoy.**

Jack and the boys were waiting for the Bathysphere to dock at the point Prometheus station.

"I can't wait to get back home and throw an awesome party. And maybe shoot trick or treaters next Halloween." Jack said.

"My mom never let me go trick or treating. She thought people would rape me." Darius said.

"You had Halloween on Mars?" Roach asked.

"We did, but it wasn't very popular after my grandfather started participating in it..." Darius said.

Flashback...

A man in a long green trench coat walked up to a neighbor's door. A young boy dressed as Kratos from _God of War_ was beside him. It was Alec Mason and his son Jake, trick or treating.

"Why didn't you dress up dad?" Jake asked.

"I thought I'd make a big retard of myself." Alec said.

"Dressing up doesn't make you retarded." Jake said.

"Easy for you to say, your wearing a fucking skirt." Alec mumbled.

Suddenly, the door opened, and a man wearing a colorful Chinese dragon mask greeted them. Alec's face was struck by fear.

"Hi! Do you prefer sugar free?" The man asked enthusiastically.

Alec thought that this was an attempt to hurt his son and he immediately pulled out his sledge hammer, that he wielded since the overthrow of the jerk ass EDF soldiers. Unfortunately, that included the EDF soldiers from the _EDF_ series of games. Alec slammed down on the man's head hard with his sledge hammer, shattering his skull. Even then, he continuously pounded it, crushing the bones like they were potato chips.

"Dad. Dad! It wasn't a real Dragon!" Jake tried to tell his father.

"No time son! We have to call the Red Faction and stomp out the rest of these beasts!" Alec griped.

Grabbing his son's hand, he rushed off to inform his fellow Red Faction members about the non existent dragon clan of Mars.

The next Halloween, Jake went as Cortez from _Timesplitters 2_. They went up to another neighbors door and rang the bell.

"I hope we killed the last of the dragons." Alec said.

"That wasn't a dragon dad. It was Jenkins." Jake said.

"Son, that wasn't Jenkins, Jenkins was eaten by it and his body was inside it's stomach." Alec said.

Jake sighed as the door opened. This neighbor was dressed as an EDF soldier, sporting high tech green armor with an orange visor.

"Halt, you are under arrest by the EDF." He joked.

"Not on my watch!" Alec said, pulling out his Arc tesla gun.

"Dad, NO!" Jake yelled.

It was too late, Alec fired a stream of electricity into the helpless individual. His eyes exploded and collapsed to the ground dead.

"Dad, he was just dressed as an EDF soldier!" Jake said.

"No time son! We have to inform the Red Faction that the EDF sent reinforcements!" Alec said.

Once again, Alec dragged his son to the Red Faction HQ where they informed the others about EDF reinforcements that didn't even exist.

Then, the next Halloween, another neighbor dressed as a clown gave some candy to a different kid.

"Oh shit! Here he comes!" the neighbor panicked when he saw Alec and Jake.

The neighbor rushed back inside his house and locked the door. Alec and Jake (whom was dressed as Master Chief) walked up to the door and rang it's bell.

"I really think we should cancel this holiday, the enemy has been using it to attack us!" Alec said.

"I'm about this close to bashing his own head in with his own sledge hammer." Jake muttered.

"Hey! Is anyone home!?" Alec yelled, banging on the door.

"Go away!" The neighbor yelled from inside.

"My kid wants some candy! Hand it over!" Alec yelled.

"So you can kill me too? Hell no!" The neighbor yelled.

"Why would I kill you? Your in the Red Faction." Alec said.

"So was Jenkins!" The neighbor yelled.

"Jenkins was eaten by a dragon." Alec said.

"Just go away before I call the cops!" The neighbor yelled.

"Alright, Alright. God, these people are such assholes. This is the 17th house that wouldn't give us any candy." Alec said.

"Damn it dad! You ruined Halloween! Don't you have any idea what this holiday is about?" Jake asked.

"Of course I do." Alec said.

"Oh yeah? What?" Jake asked.

"It's...uh...about...Evil spirits eating our citizens and EDF soldiers sneaking into Mars through some kind of wormhole." Alec said.

"It's about people who dress up in costumes to get candy! And that Dragon you killed was Jenkins dressed as a Dragon!" Jake hissed.

"Your not allowed to talk to me in that manner Jake, your grounded for a Mars month." Alec said.

"How long is that?" Jake asked.

"I don't know, I'll have to look it up on wikipedia." Alec said.

Back to the gang...

Jack, Roach, Alcatraz and Renko fell asleep during the boring flashback. Roach was the first to awaken.

"Flashbacks over." He said.

Jack and the others woke up.

"Alright, no more flashbacks for the rest of the game. Agreed?" Jack asked.

"Agreed." The others said.

The bathysphere finally docked with at the Point Prometheus station. When it rose out of the water, Fontaine could be seen standing on the platform, still in his green jumpsuit and welder's mask.

"Get ready to shoot that bastard as soon as the doors open." Jack told everyone.

"Hold fire kid, it's me." Fontaine said.

"Oh, your still wearing that thing? It must smell like those Mickey mouse costumes at Disney land. Anyway, wheres our escape pod?" Jack asked.

"Here it is." Fontaine said.

Fontaine grabbed a statue to the left and tore it off it's foundations. He threw it at the bathysphere, cracking the glass.

"Later tard." Fontaine said before taking off.

"You little backstabber!" Jack hissed.

Jack leaped at the glass and blasted through it with his shotgun. Landing on the docking platform, he slid under the statue and ran down the hall.

"How come we didn't do that?" Alcatraz asked.

"Do what?" Roach asked.

"Awww fuck it." Alcatraz said.

Al leaped through the hole in the glass. He picked up the statue and moved it out of the way. Suddenly, Jack came running back from the hallway.

"Hey man, why aren't you chasing The Fonz?" Al asked.

Jack hit the deck as several security bots peppered the room with bullets, many of them bouncing off Alcatraz. He pulled out his trusty Majestic Revolver and blew them all out of the air.

"I fucking hate those damn things." Jack said, getting up.

Jack looked at all of his buddies, just standing around.

"What the fuck are you dibshits standing around for? MOVE!" Jack yelled.

The guys bumped into each other as they ran down the hall after Fontaine. They saw him standing in front of an open door.

"Sorry punks, I got to catch a new episode of _Tron Uprising_." He said.

Fontaine shot the door control to the right of the door and stepped through the doorway. The doors slammed shut, but unfortunately, his arm wasn't all the way in and stuck out between the crack, where he screamed.

"Mother fucking mechanism!" He screeched.

After a minute of struggling, he managed to slip his hand out of his glove and pulled it through the door.

"You idiot! You let him escape!" Tenenbaum said over the radio.

"I thought I told you I don't need you anymore." Jack said.

"You will if you want to get through that door." Tenenbaum said.

"What's to know? I just do this." Jack said.

Jack aimed his grenade launcher at the door and pegged a frag at it. The grenade exploded, blowing smoke everywhere and almost causing Roach to suffocate. When it cleared, the door was unscathed.

"Oh come on." Jack said.

"The door is made from a strong material. But I do know a way to unlock it." Tenenbaum said.

"Then tell me sugar lumps." Jack demanded.

"First off, I want you to apologize to me." Tenenbaum said.

"You know, I could go back to your safe house and kill all the girls I rescued." Jack said.

"My door is made of the same material as yours." Tenenbaum said.

"Then maybe someone could punch a hole in the glass of your windows, dike." Alcatraz threatened.

"Nein! Alright! To open the door, you need a little sister." Tenenbaum said.

"Then send one of your bitches over here." Jack said.

"I cannot risk sending one of my own. And the others will fear you. To earn their trust, you must become a Big Daddy." Tenenbaum said.

"You mean one of those robots? I don't think so." Jack said.

"You do not have to give in your mind, you just must look, smell and sound like one." Tenenbaum said.

"So what do I do? Salvage parts from a dead one?" Jack asked.

"I love salvaging!" Darius said.

"Nein, you must find the components at the nearby factory. Then you must readjust your voice box to sound like one and collect several samples of their hormones to smell like one." Tenenbaum said.

"Okay..." Jack said.

He suddenly got 3 different objectives pointing to different rooms.

"Should we split up like they did in _Echo Fright_?" Roach asked.

"Nahh, that wouldn't be as much fun. I say we stick together." Renko said.

"Nancy boy's right. Let's stay tight." Jack said.

"Will you stop saying that!?" Renko asked.

"Sorry, I'll call you prissy boy from now on." Jack said, walking down the hall.

"Thanks, wait, what!?" Renko asked, going after Jack.

Jack upgraded his chemo thrower at a nearby power to the people station. Then they entered a sector known as "Little wonders". They came to a narrow room with some windows on the side.

"Okay, lets find these stupid hormone or whatever." Jack said.

Jack stepped into the room and immediately hit the deck. 2 turrets fired through the glass of the windows from another room. They just kept firing even though there wasn't anything in sight (though they did tear up the Tapestry of Martin from the _Redwall_ series which was hanging on the wall.). Alcatraz climbed through the windows, deflecting bullets with his armor. He bent back the barrels of their guns, neutralizing them as a threat. After some more stupid dialogue-

"Fish face!" Roach said, mimicking a fish's face.

They entered the main sector. It looked like an insane asylum.

"Oh my god! We stepped into _Dementium: The Ward_!" Renko squealed, hiding behind Darius.

Jack heard the familiar footsteps of a Rosie. Looking around the corner, he saw her and her little sister walking down the hall. To the right was a small room with a bunch of sinks. Jack had no idea what they would do with a room with a bunch of sinks, but he got an idea. He pulled the guys over into that room.

Examining the sinks, he noticed that they didn't have any plugs. Fortunately, he noticed 2 corpses in the same room.

"Renko, cut their flesh off." Jack demanded.

"What? Did you select that cannibal perk from _Fallout 3_?" Renko asked, shock.

"I need it to kill that Rosie." Jack said.

"What are you gonna do? Rub it over it's visor and hope it pukes it's own guts out?" Renko asked.

"Will you just grow a pair and do it?" Jack kindly asked.

Renko pulled out his knife, which still had stuffing on it from that lamb encounter. And I'm talking about Lamby, not Lamb chop whom he stabbed during a misguided para-drop. He skinned the corpses into thick chunks. He gave them to Jack.

"Good, now plug up these sinks." Jack said.

"Is this one of those Rube Goldberg Machines?" Roach asked.

"No it's a Whoopi Goldberg Machine, now get back to work!" Jack hissed.

The guys shoved large chunks of flesh down into the sinks' drains. It was like children shoving playdough down their bath tub drains.

"Alright, now turn on all the faucets!" Jack said.

"We can't do that. The water bill would sky rocket!" Renko said.

"It isn't your water bill, dummy." Jack said.

"Still, we wouldn't be very good house guests if we-" Renko went on.

"JUST TURN IT ON!" Jack yelled.

Renko flinched and resumed twisting the knobs into the on position. The room filled up with steam from the hot water. Even more notable was the ankle deep pool that the overflowing sinks made.

"Alright, now we just need to get that bitch in here." Jack said.

"Whoopi Goldberg?" Roach asked.

"No, the rosie!" Jack hissed.

"Leave it to me." Darius said.

Darius excitedly ran down the hall and looked for the Rosie. When he saw her with her back turned to him, he charged at her. He spun her around and smacked her in the face with his sledge hammer. He took off back towards the sink room with her on his tail. Jack and the others were kneeling on the sinks themselves. When Darius ran in, Jack motioned for him to do the same.

When Darius knelt on a sink, the rosie madly ran into the room, standing right in the middle of the pool. Jack hit her with his electro bolt 3. The pool and the rosie surged violently with electricity. Shaking more than _The Wiggles_, the Rosie eventually exploded into pieces.

"I got something!" Roach said, grabbing a foot.

The helmet of the rosie landed in the arms of the terrified little sister. Jack grabbed her by the neck and freed her.

"Shouldn't we turn off these sinks?" Renko asked.

"Nah, they aren't gonna flood the place or anything." Jack said.

The guys left the sinks running and explored the area. Half of the doors had broken locks.

"Damn it, the weird rat guy from the _Silent Hill_ games must have been here. He's the one who breaks all the locks." Darius said.

"Don't be ridiculous. Everyone knows Pyramid head breaks the locks. He does it by banging his head against them." Renko said.

"Your both wrong, it's Barney." Roach said.

Jack opened one door that had a working switch and the guys walked inside. It looked like a little girls room. The ceiling was torn away to allow scientists to observe the little sisters. Either that or just for pervs to watch naked little girls. There was a teddy bear in the corner with a vial of green stuff in it.

"Hmm, must be important." Jack said, picking it up.

"How do you know?" Alcatraz asked.

"It's a chemical. Everything in this game has to do with chemicals." Jack said.

"God I'm tired. I think I'll take a short nap." Renko said.

Renko laid down on the mattress and closed his eyes.

"That thing probably has herpes on it." Jack said.

Renko screamed as he rolled off the bed. Jack set it on fire with his incinerate plasmid. Anyway, the guys ditched the room.

"That vial contains a sample of the big daddy pheromones. You need 2 more." Tenenbaum said.

"Wouldn't this be enough?" Jack asked.

"Nein, you need more." Tenenbaum said.

"Always more with you, isn't it?" Jack asked.

The guys walked around the corridor some more, which was now really wet for some reason. They came to an autopsy room in the back. There were dissected corpses on the tables. Roach couldn't hold his lunch and puked in a nearby garbage bin.

"CSI: Rapture." Renko said.

"Hmmm, it seems he was shot in the lungs." Darius acted.

"Get me the pliers." Renko acted.

"Knock it off." Jack said.

"Theres scarring on his ribs." Renko acted.

"Knock it off." Jack said more forcefully.

"Maybe he was mauled by a tiger." Darius said.

"I said Knock it off!" Jack said, swatting Darius over the back of the head with his wrench.

"Mmmm, this leftover takeout is delicious." Roach said.

Jack turned around and saw Roach eating a bunch of old organs that were sitting in a pan.

"You do know those were taken out of these bodies right?" Renko asked.

Roach dropped the lung that he took a bite out of and fell to the floor, vomiting into another trash can. Jack went into the back of the room and saw another Pheromone sample and a tonic on the counter. He soon discovered it was a Safecracker 2 tonic.

"Good, you just need one more sample." Tenenbaum said.

"Bitch." Jack muttered.

"What?" Tenenbaum asked.

"I said bitch." Jack said.

"It's not nice to call your friends bitches." Tenenbaum said.

"No, I was talking about you." Jack said.

"Me!? How dare you say such a thing!" Tenenbaum said.

"Let's face it, your uglier than that cult woman from _Silent Hill 3_." Jack said.

"After everything I've done for you, this is how you repay me?" Tenenbaum asked, crying.

"Look Lady, why don't you take your stupid accent and go stick your head in an oven." Jack said.

Tenenbaum cried loudly over the radio.

"Didn't ya get a kick out of that scene in the cove? AAHHH Moira! Wee Patrick! The only things in that sub were a couple of sausages. Maybe some day I'll get me a real family. I always wanted to bang Regina from _Dino crisis_." Fontaine said over the radio.

"Do you mind? I'm trying to create a mood." Tenenbaum said normally.

"Is annoyed a mood? Because I'm really annoyed." Jack said.

"Yeah, that's the stuff kid!" Fontaine said.

Jack took the radio he picked up from the beginning of the game, threw it to the floor and shot it to pieces with his pistol.

"I hate these damn radio conversations." Jack said.

"But now you don't have anyone to guide you." Renko said.

"The games going to end in a few hours, I'm sure it will be as easy a pie." Jack said.

"Pie? Where?" Roach asked.

"Let's just hurry this up." Jack said.

The guys left the autopsy room and found the hallway knee deep in water.

"See? I told you we should have turned off the sinks." Renko said.

"Oh stuff it." Jack said.

Jack grabbed Renko by the back of the neck and shoved his face underwater. He flailed his arms around, splashing. Jack pulled his face back out.

"Will you keep your prissyness to your self?" Jack asked.

Renko spit a bunch of water out, in Jack's face.

"Why you.." Jack started.

Renko blasted Jack backwards with a shockwave. Renko got up and held out his hand.

"Let us end our rivalry." he said.

Jack grabbed his hand and shocked him with Electro bolt. This was a bad decision, as it shocked the entire water and everyone in it. The guys eventually wandered upstairs, with their hair sticking up from the static. Jack found another Sample on a desk.

"Good, now, what should I do? I said what should I, oh wait, I forgot. No radio." Jack said.

"Not to worry. I'm trained in chemistry." Renko said.

Jack gave the samples to Renko. After through examination (staring at the liquid for 5 minutes), he came up with a solution.

"I'm pretty sure you dump it all over you and it will take effect." Renko said.

"In that case, I'm gonna drink it." Jack said.

Jack pulled the cork off the bottle and sniffed it. He almost puked.

"This shit smells worse than my Grandma's cauliflower!" Jack said.

"I love Cauliflower too! It's my favorite flavor of pie!" Roach said.

"I'm a highly trained professional. You can trust me." Renko said.

"The last time I trusted someone, they turned out to be someone else and tried to kill me." Jack said.

"Wow, that sounds a lot like Fontaine." Roach said.

Jack stared violently at Roach, who whimpered.

"Fine, I'll dump it on me." Jack said.

"I knew you'd believe me." Renko said.

"No, theres just no way I'm putting this shit in my mouth." Jack said, pouring the solution on his torso.

"Shouldn't we put this shit on too?" Alcatraz asked.

"I think it requires all 3 jars to be effective." Renko said.

"Couldn't we just take half of the fluid from the last 2 bottles among the rest of us?" Darius said.

"Oh who cares. I ain't smelling like that." Alcatraz said.

Jack poured the other 2 bottles on himself.

"Now what? Can we get through the door now?" Roach asked.

"No nimrod, my objective thing says I need to reconfigure my voice now." Jack said.

"Your in luck. I also took a course in vocal cord surgery." Renko said.

"You put one finger in my mouth and I will rip it off and shove it in your eye." Jack threatened.

"Oh, okay. Then how are you going to do it?" Renko asked.

"This place has a conveniently located voice box in the genetics lab." Jack said.

"Wow, a thing we need right where we need it!" Roach said.

"Are you blind? That's happened like 50 times already." Jack said.

"Not in Arcadia." Roach said.

"Oh go fuck yourself." Jack said.

"But I can't touch my groin with my mouth." Roach said.

Frusterated, the boys pushed onwards. They came to the balcony above the door where Fontaine escaped. There was an audio diary laying there.

"Why just girls? For one thing, little boys are brats. Second, little girls are only ones who can bind with Big daddies. When we tried to bond a little boy, the big daddy stomped on him. Little boys also not as cute as little girls. We think little girls would be more effective for advertising. So there, no boys. Now leave me alone" It said.

The guys started across the balcony, when an explosion destroyed part of the balcony. Jack spotted a tan man in red and tan body armor holding a red grenade launcher with blue lines.

"Fontaine hired me to kill your asses!" The man shouted.

"I know you! Your Alias! The playable character from _Red Faction 2_!" Darius shouted.

"Yeah, I wasn't in any other games thanks to your fucking grandpa!" Alias said.

"No more flashbacks! We have to keep moving the story along!" Jack said.

"Yeah? Well your story ends-" Alias started before a crossbow bolt lodged itself in his head.

Alias dropped his grenade launcher and fell over the railing, hitting the floor with a thud. Roach greedily snatched his dropped Grenade launcher.

"Back off! It's mine!" Roach screeched, cradling it.

The guys moved around Roach to the other side of the balcony. Jack saw a door blocked by a chunk of ice.

"Is it really that cold down here?" Jack asked.

"Maybe Fontaine froze it so you couldn't get in." Renko said.

"Maybe." Jack said, melting it with Incinerate.

Jack went inside and was disappointed with what he saw.

"A fucking broom closet!?" He screeched.

"Uuhhh, maybe it's a top secret broom closet." Roach said, stroking his grenade launcher.

"Got any more suggestions, launcher boy?" Jack asked.

"Mine!" Roach screeched, running away.

Jack kicked a trash bin over in frustration, which spit out an Audio diary.

"Suchong switch sides. He now work for Fontaine, he thinks. He can't remember what he said in original game. Been long time since Author play game. Anyway, he no longer have to live in box, now he have fancy laboratory in Apollo Square. Continuing research on Little sisters and giant armor things. He also kill Moose and Squirrel. Hahahahaha. Little accent joke. Suchong's accent much better than German woman. Suchong say bye bye now." It said.

"God I hate that guy." Jack said.

"Aren't you going, never mind." Renko said.

"What?" Jack asked.

"I was wondering if you'd pick that trash up, but you'd probably get angry." Renko said.

"Oh, thank you for saying that." Jack said.

The guys walked into one of the doors to the genetics lab. The doors sealed shut.

"Decontamination process beginning." A voice on the speaker said.

"Wait, what?" Jack asked.

The guys were suddenly sprayed with cold steam.

"Decontamination process complete." The voice said.

Jack shot the speaker with his pistol as the doors opened.

"Damn computers." He muttered.

The guys moved further into the facility. Jack hacked a couple cameras. The guys entered a room on the side.

"I wish they would install some hand sanitizer station around-" Renko started before he was thrown to the ground by an RPG turret explosion.

Roach blew up the turret with his shiny grenade launcher, savoring the explosion.

"God, if only Soap could see me now." He said.

Meanwhile, at an oil rig off the coast of Russia...

Soap and Ghost were hiding behind a wall. They were both in wet suits. Their new partner wore was gray suit with black armor with a yellow visor and yellow patches.

"Thanks for letting me tag along guys, I was bored out of my mind waiting for Leon 13 to continue writing _Daze_." Shane Carpenter said.

"Whatever, just stay quiet, theres a patrol up ahead." Soap said.

"Patrol? Sweet!" Carpenter said.

Carpenter rushed out from behind the wall and started blasting soldiers with his B72 Blacksaw assault rifle.

"See? I told you this guy was Smarter than Roach." Soap said.

"Yeah, but he keeps killing the hostages too." Ghost said.

"Aww who cares about a couple of dead Russian civilians." Soap said.

Back to Rapture...

Jack upgraded his chemical thrower again at a nearby power to the people station. He also grabbed an alarm expert 2 tonic and an Audio diary.

"Our early model Big daddies are performing very poor. They get cut down by gunfire at long range. Suchong have solution. Make new Big daddy with Range weapon. Maybe something like Rivet gun, that hurt lots. As bonus, I also throw in Proximity mines! I call new Big daddy Rosie, after famous woman on surface. Still call it Big Daddy though, no Big Mommies. Suchong hate women. Alright, Suchong say bye bye again." It said.

"I thought I said no more flashbacks." Jack said.

"That wasn't a flashback, that was an active time event." Darius said.

"Just shut up already." Jack hissed.

The guys left that room and entered another, where there was a booth up some stairs. They went up them and they located the voice box.

"Well, I guess it's good bye to this voice." Jack said.

"Don't worry, I'm sure we'll love your new voice." Renko encouraged.

Jack placed his mouth on this tube and weird mechanical arms reached into his throat and messed with his vocal cords. He got off of it when they finished.

"Well?" Roach asked, still stroking his grenade launcher.

"My throat feels sore. Is that my voice? God, I sound like Julius from _Saint's Row_ singing jazz." Jack said in a deep voice.

"You know what, I was wrong, I hate this new voice." Renko said.

"Good, now it's your turn." Jack said.

Jack grabbed Renko and shoved his ear into the voice tube. The mechanical arms reached into his ear and tore the interior apart, while Renko screamed in pain. Renko pulled his ear out, blood pouring out of it.

"That must have been painful." Darius said.

"What? I can't hear you. I can only hear Jazz music." Renko yelled.

"Alright, now I just need to look like a Big daddy." Jack said.

"Perfect! We'll need a bright purple suit, a cane, and some condoms-" Roach said.

"Not that Big daddy." Jack said.

"What?" Renko yelled.

Jack grabbed a washer and jammed it in Renko's ear.

"Hey, I can hear again." He said.

Suddenly, a phone on the nearby desk rang. Jack picked it up.

"Hello?" He asked.

"You fucking retard! Is killing me worth defacing yourself into a hideous monstrosity!?" Fontaine yelled on the other line.

"Oh it's just you. At least that bitch Tenenbaum isn't on here." Jack said.

"Actually I must speak with you too." Tenenbaum said.

"Damn it Mother Goose! Get off the line!" Fontaine yelled.

"Will you morons just leave me alone!? God, they're worse than Jehovah's witnesses." Jack said, slamming the phone back on it's receiver.

"Can we kill that Turkey now?" Alcatraz asked.

"No, I still need to look like a Big daddy." Jack said.

"Why don't you ask the one down there if you can borrow his suit?" Roach asked, pointing at a Rosie through a window.

"Screw that, I'm just gonna blow her ass up." Jack said.

"Don't you mean he?" Renko asked.

"Grow up." Jack said, jumping out the window.

Jack shot a grenade at the Rosie, who roared afterwards. Roach fired a grenade of his own at it, causing it to Roar again. Renko shot a grenade at it with his dethex launcher, causing it to roar yet again. The Rosie peppered the windows the others were in with Rivets. The guys ducked under the desks for cover, and Roach triggered a rat trap with his hand.

Jack sprayed the Rosie with Fire from his chemical launcher. The rosie screamed in pain as it's armor fell off. Underneath all that bulky armor was a male figure wearing female undergarments. Only the helmet stayed on.

"I guess this is why they're called rosies." Jack said.

The rosie roared, but Jack gave it a purple nurple, causing it to fall to the ground. As it laid there, he surgically separated the head from the body with his shotgun. Then he freed the little sister. The rest of the guys came down from the booth. Roach had the rat trap stuck to his hand.

"Now can we kill that Turkey?" Alcatraz asked again.

"For the love of Mohammad! No! I need to look like a big daddy! I said that twice already!" Jack hissed.

"Jeez, don't get your trap in a gap." Alcatraz said.

"Oooohhh, what's in here?" Roach asked.

Roach opened a nearby door and got shot in the shoulder by a splicer.

"Man down!" Renko said, tackling Roach to the ground.

"Damn it, I thought we were finished with these tardos." Jack said, blasting the splicer with his pistol.

"Get off me, I'm fine!" Roach squealed.

"I couldn't save Devlin, I won't lose you too!" Renko said.

"Devlin?" Jack asked.

Renko broke into tears, bawling loudly.

"Ewww, his snot is seeping on me." Roach said.

Jack ignored the crying and went into the next room. It had a bunch of glass cylinders with bright orange liquid inside.

"Wow! A giant slushie machine!" Darius said excitedly.

Darius started looking around, for the place for the liquid to come out, holding a plastic cup. Jack picked up an audio diary laying on the dashboard.

"These new genetic things. They are marketing gold! Everyone wants to light a cigarette with their finger! Everyone wants to grab a beer while in the living room! Everyone wants to shave with an icicle! Well, maybe not that last one, but you get the idea! Using these dangerous new powers is the perfect way to spice up your life! And theres no way they'll be used as actual weapons! Yes, I'm going to be flushed with enough money to remove my _Saint's Row_ tattoo thats on my ass! I will never regret any of these decisions!" It said.

"Where the hell is the spigot?" Darius asked.

"Oh stuff it, let's get out of here." Jack said.

"But I want my slushie." Darius said.

"That isn't slush fluid, I think it's embryonic fluid." Renko said.

"Is that like a smoothie?" Darius asked.

Renko got angry and started to strangle Darius before being pulled back by Roach. The guys were starting to walk out when they saw another door, entering, they found the pool of water which Fontaine used as his Makeshift hot tub. There was a safe on the other side of it.

"Cannon ball!" Roach screamed.

Roach jumped into the pool and was electrocuted. The guys didn't bother pulling him out.

"I ain't leaving without that safe." Jack said.

"Perhaps there is a control panel elsewhere. Maybe behind that window." Renko said, pointing to a window across from them.

"Great, who's gonna climb through it? You?" Darius asked.

"Hey, only I pick on him! Why don't you go on and climb through it?" Jack asked.

"Why doesn't metal man do it?" Renko asked.

"This suit ain't electric proof." Alcatraz said.

"Maybe Roach can do it." Renko said.

Roach however, was paralyzed in the middle of the pool, shocking.

"We could just find the door." Renko said.

"Too boring, let's do this." Alcatraz said, picking up Renko.

Like a spear, Alcatraz threw Renko throw the said window, which was the control room. Renko got up and pulled the power switch, shutting the electricity off and Roach passed out in the pool. Jack hacked the safe, got the usual boring stuff and Renko climbed back through the window.

"You can get up now Roach, we milked this for as many laughs as possible." Darius said, kicking Roach.

Roach just continued to lay face down in the water.

"Maybe he's dead." Renko said.

"He can't be, he's the reviewers' favorite character." Jack said.

"No way I'm performing CPR." Alcatraz said.

"Me neither." Darius said.

"Me three." Renko said.

"Alright, just sling him over one of your shoulders, he'll come to eventually." Jack said.

Alcatraz slung Roach over his shoulder and the boys reentered one of the sterilization chambers.

"Sterilization sequence-" The intercom started before Jack blew the opposite door open with his Grenade launcher.

The boys wandered around the balcony until they entered a library.

"What the hell is there a library in a research lab!?" Alcatraz demanded.

"Maybe to study on key material Jack ass..." Renko said.

"Shut up or I'll put you 2 in time out." Jack said.

Jack quickly peeked around the corner and saw an RPG turret.

"Hey Al, throw Roach over there." Jack said pointing.

"Alright yo." Alcatraz said.

Alcatraz threw Roach in the direction of the turret. The turret shot an RPG round at his body, which exploded, destroying the turret in the process and hurling Roach on to a nearby table with large metallic boots. A nearby camera spotted his body and 2 security bots flew out, peppering him with bullets. Regardless, he remained unconscious. Jack dove through the air and blasted the camera and bots with his machine gun.

"That worked better than I hoped. I was hoping he'd just die." Jack said.

Jack grabbed the big metallic boots on the table.

"Hmmm, these must be for big daddies." Jack said.

"They could be for a cybernetic clown." Renko joked.

"Oh shut it pussy!" Alcatraz hissed.

"What? I'm just trying to be funny." Renko said.

"We're going lose our reviewer's if you keep making them lame ass puns." Alcatraz said.

"Sorry." Renko said.

Jack slid the boots on his feet. Then he noticed that Roach had his hand clutched to a tonic. Jack tried to pull it away, but Roach's limp hand wouldn't let go. Jack swatted it a bunch of times with his wrench until it finally let go. It was a Damage Research 2 tonic. Just then, Jack broke into Laughter when he saw Darius painting Roach's face.

"I thought this might earn us some more laughs." Darius said.

"Good, now those boots will go perfectly with him." Renko said.

"Will you drop it with the clown shoes joke?" Alcatraz asked.

Just then, Roach burst awake, sitting up with white make up on his face and red circles on his cheeks.

"Dear god, I just had the worst dream that I turned into a Toaster and was being raped by a clown dressed as a fireman." Roach said.

"Yeah, I could imagine that if you saw _The Brave Little Toaster_." Jack said.

"Hey, nice boots." Roach said, looking at Jack's boots.

Roach saw his reflection in the boots. His pupils shrank considerably and let out a massive scream.

"HE'S COME BACK!" He screeched.

Screaming his lungs out, Roach turned around, plowed through one of the tables and smashed through the wall. Jack and the guys moaned and they took off after him. Jack's boots kept banging every time they hit the floor.

Roach ran into the Armored escorts section of the facility and got himself caught in a Rosie's rubber suit that was hanging from a hook. He panicked and threw it off. Then he ran into a group of splicers, where they both screamed and Roach took off again, leaving the splicers confused. Then, Roach ended his chase by slamming face first into a Rosie. The Rosie was confused by the weird little man and just moved on.

Jack and the others found Roach. Jack's loud stomping awoke Roach from his delirium.

"Hi guys, did you kill the killer clown?" Roach asked.

"It was you you moron." Jack said, holding a mirror in Roach's face.

"Oh, This is a pretty nice look." Roach said.

The guys moved around through the area and entered the candidate conversion area. Jack found an audio diary on the floor.

"Damn it! Where big metal boots for big daddy!? In library? Why they in Library!? Suchong angry! Suchong fire man who put boots there! He probably use them as table weights! Suchong too old for this shit! He want to replace stupid employees with Robots. Suchong annoyed by Multi personality disorder. He must stop saying him and start saying I." It said.

Suddenly, a phone on a nearby table rang. Jack boorishly picked it up.

"Hello?" He asked.

"Where are you gonna go? Your family? They ain't real kid! I got their idea from watching the _wizard of Oz_. You turned yourself into a walking freak show. Probably based on that sick movie that the Author's dad watched from family video." Fontaine said.

"Oh boy..." Jack muttered.

"Listen kid, I wanna tell you a little story. You see, back when I was kicked out of college.." Fontaine started before Jack left the phone hanging.

The guys went to the suit assembly area, where there were a bunch of corny rubber suits hanging from hooks.

"I guess I'll need one of these." Jack said.

Jack pulled one down and slipped it on.

"And if any of you insult the appearance, I'm gonna try out my Chemo launcher upgrades on you." Jack said.

Renko covered his mouth. Jack found another audio diary.

"Suchong still unable to rid himself of multi-personality disorder. He has managed to create new pheromone for big metal men. It make little girl recognize him and think he her daddy. She only trust metal men with this hormone, or anyone with hormone for matter. Suchong done now. He go play _Klonoa: Door to Phantomisle_." It said.

"God, this place is such a drag." Alcatraz said.

"Yeah, I feel like puking." Darius said.

"Well lets get back to work." Jack said.

The guys walked around aimlessly a while before they ran into the Big daddy Roach slammed into earlier. He had a little sister with him.

"Something tells me thats the last one..." Jack said.

"How do you know?" Roach asked.

"It says there.." Jack said pointing.

The little sister had a sign on her back that said "Last one! Get her while you can!".

"I got an idea! I'll make a fake little sister and trade it for the real one!" Roach said happily.

Roach gathered hankerchefs, buttons, yarn and one of those ADAM draining tools and set them all on a table. He cut stuff with his knife and sewed more stuff with it as well, when he was finished, he made a little doll of a little sister with the ADAM draining tool sewn to her hand. Roach happily ran up to the Rosie.

"Hey! This little sister can be a lot cuter than your little sister! Wanna trade?" Roach asked.

The Rosie looked at The doll for a second before swatting Roach into the wall.

"Oh fuck this." Jack said, blasting the Rosie with his Machine gun.

The Rosie charged at the gang. Jack, Renko, and Darius scattered while Alcatraz stood his ground. Unfortunately, the Rosie punched him in the jaw and sent him flying through a wall, leaving a human shaped hole. Darius ran towards the Rosie, with his hammer raised. The Rosie, however, shot him in the leg and he fell flat on the floor at it's feet.

"At least S.A.M hasn't made any smart ass comments." He muttered.

"That's because I was taking a nap. You rudely woke me up just now." S.A.M said.

"Get em Mr. B!" The little sister cried.

"It's time to put you in time out little girl." Renko said.

Renko fired a shot from his Centurion at the little sister's leg, which it just bounced off of.

"Mr. B, kill his ass!" The little sister cried.

The rosie started shooting Rivets towards Renko, who hid in a locker due to fear. Strangely, the rivets all hit parts of the door's edge, sealing it.

"Ooo, there are potato chips in here." Renko said.

"Die Iron man!" Roach screamed.

Roach shot a grenade at the Rosie, which narrowly missed it. Alcatraz stumbled back onto the battleground when the grenade exploded at his feet and threw him through the wall again.

Jack stepped through a doorway and threw a chair at the Rosie, which smashed. The Rosie started advancing towards Jack. Then Jack threw an ash tray at it, which it slapped out of the way. The Jack grabbed a stuffed Care bear, hugged it, and threw it at the Rosie too.

"What the hell am I doing?" He asked himself all the sudden.

Jack whipped out his Grenade launcher and shot like 16 grenades at the Rosie, leaving a massive crater. The little sister cried. Jack picked her up and freed her. Another telephone nearby rang. Jack answered it.

"You have saved so many of my little ones. You will find one more gift by-" Tenenbaum started.

"The Gatherer's garden, I know." Jack said as he hung up.

Jack regrouped with his buddies.

"Wheres Prissy boy?" He asked.

Jack could hear crunching in a nearby locker. Using his wrench, he pried it open, where Renko fell out, covered in potato chips.

"The damn bag ripped open." He said.

Jack grabbed a potato chip that was hanging off Renko's uniform and ate it. The guys continued looking around the facility. Jack found another audio diary on the upper walkway.

"Okay, I will admit, making plasmids for civilian use was a mistake. The whole city is in fucking chaos now. Okay, I can fix this, I just need to hire some mercenaries. If only I knew some who lived down here. Shit. We'll, I guess I'll have to declare martial law. Hopefully we won't have some kind of civil war or anything like that. At least Sofia Lamb is keeping her trap shut about this." It said.

"Damn it, stop that!" Renko said.

"Come on man, your a walking buffet." Darius said, eating potato chips off Renko.

Suddenly, a splicer with 2 security bots encountered the guys.

"You'll never defeat me you hippies!" He screamed.

Jack shot a grenade at the center of them, killing them all.

"Wow, I am actually bored." Jack said.

The guys kept looking around until they found a storage room with another audio diary.

"Suchong hate Ryan. He limit production of Big daddies with guns. He think they cost too much. He also reject Suchong's idea of rocket launching big daddies. He put all big guns in weapons room. Suchong change combination to 1921. He like 20's." It said.

"Guns huh? That's something every big daddy means. And I also mean pimps." Jack said.

"Hey guys, they have little emergency exits in the walls." Roach said, climbing onto the conveyor thing.

"Roach, that's the-" Renko started.

Roach suddenly was lit on fire by a blowtorch installed in the wall.

"Assembly line..." Renko finished.

Roach ran around screaming for several seconds. Jack froze Roach solid with his Chemical Thrower's Liquid Nitrogen. Like before, he shattered him out of it with a slam on the head with his wrench.

"Why didn't you tell me there was a fucking blowtorch there?" Roach asked.

Angry, all the guys pulled out their pistols and shoved them in Roach's face.

"Hey guys, I was just kidding..." Roach said nervously.

Roach fainted from fear. Alcatraz slung him over his shoulder again and the guys continued exploring. Jack found another audio diary.

"This bad. Little sisters getting snatched off streets by unknown assailants. Suchong thinks Child molesters kid nap them. It no surprise. Girls only weigh 2 pounds and have weak arms. No way they defend themselves. Suchong thinks he'll make Shirley Temple little sisters. That way, when molester try to grab her, she give her cute face and scare him away. Then again, Suchong think giant cyborg men acting as bodyguards more efficient idea. Shirely Temple faces cost too much." It said.

"With all this fancy experiment shit, it doesn't take a rocket scientists to figure out where all the Tax money went." Jack said.

"Yeah, they went to the child aid department!" Roach said, awake.

Alcatraz dropped Roach instantly. The guys came to a door that was locked with a keypad.

"Smashing time!" Darius yelled, raising his hammer.

"No, we have the code you blargo." Jack said.

Jack entered 1921 into the keypad and the door opened. Jack's eyes widened. The room was stock full of dangerous weapons and ammo. In a flash, he scooped it all up and dropped all of it in his bottomless inventory.

"Maryoku Yummy is on a fucking roll!" Jack said.

"Yeah! Who's laughing now bitch?" Ooka yelled in Maryoku's decapitated face.

Afterwards, Jack lead the guys to a room filled with deactivated security bots.

"Sweet! Now I can have my own private army!" Jack said.

Jack activated them all and they all filled the air in the room.

"Ow! That one cut me!" Renko said.

"I can barely see anything." Darius said.

"Hey, a tonic." Jack said.

Jack pushed 20 of the security bots out of the way and grabbed the hacker's delight 3 tonic. He also spotted a Rosie's helmet on the same desk.

"Perfect!" He said as he put it on.

"You are now a big daddy, your enemies will no longer bother you and you receive 25% reduction in attacks." A message onscreen said.

"Damn it, I thought these help messages were gone." Jack said.

Another phone on the table rang. Jack picked it up. It was hard to hear with all the security bots' propellers.

"Hello?" Jack yelled into the phone.

"Go back to the door! Bang on the vent to summon a little one!" Tenenbaum yelled back.

"Okay, thanks!" Jack yelled before hanging up.

"Damn it! There are too many of these bitches." Renko said.

"Oh come on, the more the merrier." Jack said.

Suddenly, the propeller of one security bot cut Jack's hand.

"You..little piece of shit!" Jack yelled.

Jack pulled out his Machine gun and started blasting all the security bots.

"The machine you damaged is friendly." A message on screen said.

"Shut up!" Jack yelled, blasting the message as well.

The others fled from the room as Jack finished off the crowding bots. Jack calmly walked out.

"Okay, let's go." Jack said.

"Splicers!" Roach screeched, hiding behind Jack.

2 splicers simply walked past the gang without any conflict.

"Hmm, I guess these bitches are too wimpy to put up a fight against a big daddy." Jack said.

"Hey, we're low on ammo! Lay off...please." One of the splicers said.

"Well something tells me this day got a whole lot better." Jack said.

The guys left the suit assembly area. As they passed a gatherer's garden machine, Jack opened the final gift from the little sisters.

"ADAM and ammo. What a great final gift." Jack said sarcastically.

The guys returned to the door where Fontaine fled through. There was a little sister vent beside it. Jack pulled out his wrench and started banging on it.

"Are you sure this is how you summon her?" Renko asked.

"This is what the German lady said to do." Jack said.

While looking away, a little sister crawled out of the vent and was hit on the head multiple times by Jack's wrench.

"Uhh, Jack." Roach said.

"Not now Roach, I'm busy." Jack said, striking the little sister.

"But-" Roach said.

"No buts, I have to get this little sister out oaa!" Jack said just as he noticed the little sister.

The little sister fell out of the vent. Jack picked her up and slapped her face a couple of times. She finally came to.

"Hi mister B." She said.

"It's Jack bitch. Get this damn door open." Jack said.

"Okay mister B." She said.

Groaning, Jack set her down and she crawled through the hole under the door. A few seconds later, the door opened.

"All this trouble just to open a single fucking door." Alcatraz said.

"This way Mister B." The little sister said.

"It's Jack!" Jack hissed following her.

The others followed Jack as the door closed behind them. Meanwhile, Fontaine was still on the phone...

"And that's how I cornered the pharmaceutical industry. All ya gotta do is blow up a couple stock markets. So you gonna give up kid? Kid? Damn it! He's probably already at the training ground! Why do I always have to tell everyone about my College pharmaceutical scam?" Fontaine asked before hanging up.

To be continued...

**Damn, this was one grandmother of a hailstorm. Thank God, only 3 more chapters to go. Keep reading!**


	19. Pain in the ass escort level

Chapter 19: Pain in the ass escort level

"Don't be slow Mr. B." The Little sister said.

"My name is Jack! Get it through that stupid head! It's Jack!" Jack yelled, slapping the little sister.

The gang stood in front of some weird building that looked like an old museum.

"Fontaine sure has a crappy house." Jack said.

Suddenly, a pay phone to the left rang. Jack picked it up, knowing it could be only 2 people.

"It is not his hideout. This is the Big Daddy proving grounds." Tenenbaum said.

"Proving grounds? Are you telling me I have to go through some boring training module this late in the game?" Jack demanded.

"Nein, you must protect the little one as she harvests the 3 corpses. Only then will you encounter Fontaine." Tenenbaum said.

Jack almost lost it when he saw the Little sister's life meter under his own.

"This is a fucking escort mission!? I thought these damn bitches were invincible!" Jack yelled.

"He has a point. My pistol had no effect on one." Renko said.

"Back off prissy boy, I'm doing the arguing!" Jack yelled.

"Well, uhhhhh. You see, the little one, she has not yet, uhhhhh..." Tenenbaum wondered.

"Face it, you have no idea why this one isn't invincible." Jack demanded.

"Yes, you are right, but you still must protect her." Tenenbaum said.

"Come on Mr. B." The little sister said.

"Hey, I decide when we leave!" Jack hissed, hanging up the phone.

"Hey, I think I see a gift shop!" Roach said, running towards the said building.

"Hey, wait up bitch!" Jack yelled, going after Roach.

Roach smashed through the Gift shop's doors and quickly scanned the area. He spotted a rack filled with small chocolates and started grabbing handfuls and shoving them in his mouth, fully wrapped.

"MMMM, sugar." He said, with a full mouth.

Jack came in and jumped back when he saw Roach's stuffed face.

"Those things are probably way expired." Jack said.

"Who cares? Sugar is good." Roach said.

Jack noticed the gift shop had a U-invent, Circus of values, and a Gene bank.

"What kind of Gift shop is this? They don't even have any lighters." Darius said.

"Don't eat so fast Roach! You'll break out!" Renko said.

"Anyone seen the little bitch in the dress?" Alcatraz asked.

"Oh man, are you serious?" Jack asked.

Jack and the guys ran out of the gift shop, with Roach trailing behind, still eating chocolates. The guys stormed the museum and in the middle of the frigging huge atrium was a T-rex skeleton.

"Cool, maybe it'll come to life like in _Night At the Museum_." Roach said, chocolate falling out of his mouth.

"Oh come on, I seriously doubt-" Renko started.

Suddenly, the massive skeleton roared at the team. Renko panicked and shot the living hell out of the bastard's boney head with his AR5 Valkyrie. The damage caused it to crumble, revealing it was manipulated by circuitry. Darius took his finger off a red button that said "Hear the T Rex roar".

"Damn it, you made me waste 100 rounds of ammo!" Renko yelled.

"Sorry, I thought you knew it was fake." Darius said.

"Just put your tampons in and hurry up already. We got to find that bitch." Jack said.

The guys went through a nearby doorway and went down a hall. Jack spotted the little sister walking down.

"Damn it you little bitch, don't run off without us!" Jack said running towards her.

Suddenly, Jack stepped in direct line of sight of a camera. Before it could sound an alarm however, Jack zapped it with Electro bolt and hacked it.

"Look daddy, an angel." The little sister said.

"What are you from? _Davey and Goliath_?" Jack asked.

The little sister pointed to a corpse that was laying under a sign that said "Test subject 1".

"If I remember _Bioshock 2_, we have to guard her ass while she sucks that thing dry." Jack said.

"What do you mean we?" Darius asked.

Jack shoved the barrel of his shotgun right in Darius' face.

"Alright, alright." Darius said.

"Good, now we just treat it like the time in Arcadia." Jack said.

"You mean I get to use lightsabers again?" Roach asked.

"No, just find some place to crouch and shoot any guys in masks." Jack hissed.

"Oakie dokey." Roach said.

Roach crouched right where he was standing and shot Alcatraz in the face with his G18.

"What the hell was that for, turkey?" Alcatraz demanded.

"He told me too." Roach said, eating another chocolate.

"Not him! Ugggghhh! Everybody, just don't shoot each other and stay the fuck out of my way." jack said.

Jack shot some trap bolts into the wall. Seconds after turning away, Jack heard multiple zapping noises. Turning around again, Jack said Roach pulling the wires off himself.

"Oh god..." Jack said to himself.

"You told me to go through your way." Roach said.

"Just forget about that and..." Jack started.

Jack looked around and spotted a bone that supposedly belong to an ancient human. He picked it up and handed it to Roach.

"Protect this bone!" Jack said.

The little sister started draining blood from the test corpse. Shouting and loud footsteps could be heard. Roach dove behind the test sign.

"If theres one thing I can't stand, it's watching over some worthless bitch." Jack muttered.

A lone splicer with a golf club came running down the hall. Jack shot a bolt into his groin. The splicer collapsed on the side and was trampled to death by several other splicers. Renko pulled out his bitching Auto cannon and mowed down the mob.

Some more splicers came from the other hallway. Darius pulled out his triple barreled Red faction Assault rifle and started shooting them. Several of them fell, but one of them got to Darius and started wrestling with his gun. Alcatraz picked up the splicer and threw him at the crowd. The guys continued doing this until the Little sister had finished.

"This way Mr. B." The little sister said.

"If she calls me that one more time, I'm gonna wring her neck." Jack said to himself.

Roach came out from behind the sign, clutching the bone.

"I protected the bone!" He said.

"Whatever, just keep up." Jack said.

The guys continued down the museum hall. There were glass displays on the walls with various exhibits inside. One had a Chimera Hybrid from the _Resistance_ series. Another had a copy of _System Shock_.

"Didn't _Silent Hill 4_ have something like this?" Renko asked.

"Yeah, but it was just as corny as the game." Jack said.

As the guys came around a corner, Renko was filled with lead by a turret. Jack blasted it and ran to Renko.

"I'm too injured to go on, you must leave me." Renko said.

"Can't you just use a Med kit?" Jack asked.

"No! I would only slow you down! You must kill Fontaine!" Renko said.

"Why are you being so dramatic?" Jack asked.

"(cough) (cough) It's to spice up the story a bit. But (cough) don't worry, the author will let me be in the last chapter too. It's in my contract." Renko said.

"How come I don't have a contract?" Roach asked.

"Because you didn't ask for one (cough) retard." Renko said, spitting up blood.

"Oh right. I'm doing it for a handful of sleeping pills." Roach said.

"Alright Alright. I get it. Just let me move you out of the way." Jack said.

Jack picked up Renko and set him in a broken display case. The sign read "Prissius boyous".

"Just act like your dead." Jack said.

Unfortunately, Renko passed out from blood loss.

"Good." Jack said.

The little sister started harvesting again. More splicers could be heard running through the halls. One ran into the room, holding a machine gun. Alcatraz switched to his heavy armor mode and the splicer opened fire on him. All the bullets simply bounced off. Then Jack shot a hole through the splicer's head with his pistol. Roach continued to shield the bone.

"Damn it moron! Drop the damn bone and shoot!" Darius yelled, smashing a splicer.

"But Jack said-" Roach said.

"Forget what I said! I know I said to guard the bone, but now I say shoot these motherfuckers!" Jack yelled.

"Oh, okay." Roach said, whipping out his dual TMP's and blasting splicers.

Suddenly, a group of splicers with Machine guns took position at the end of one hall. Seeing that they were about to open fire, Darius activated S.A.M's nanotech shell, which formed a large blue shield around the gang. Roach was on the outside of it however.

"Hey! Let me back in!" Roach yelled.

"Don't worry, you can still move through it." Darius said.

Roach covered his eyes with his hand and skipped through it, then uncovered his eyes. The splicer pelted the shield with hundreds of bullets, which were reflected back at them, causing a whole bunch of bodies to hit the floor. One splicer, wielding a pipe ran through the shield.

"Aha! Guess your shield ain't all that useful after AACCCKKK!" The splicer said before he was disintegrated.

"The shield does kill enemies however." Darius said.

"Sweet, this is the coolest power ever." Jack said.

"Not really, it only lasts for about 5 seconds and takes an hour to regenerate." Darius said.

Just then, the shield disappeared.

"Wait, all that stuff that happened was within 5 seconds?" Roach said.

"I guess so." Darius said before a scythe lodged itself in his neck.

Darius fell to the ground as Jack blasted the pesky Spider splicer. Jack went over to Darius.

"(cough cough cough) I guess I'm gonna make a dramatic entrance too." Darius said.

"You did not fill out a contract Darius." S.A.M said.

"...Fuck." Darius said before dying.

Jack screamed in agony.

"Awww who am I kidding? He means less to me than Tenenbaum." Jack said.

The little sister finally finished and started down another hallway. Jack and Alcatraz followed her. Roach however, crouched next to Darius.

"Mmmmm, All those cool nanotech powers are finally mine..." He muttered.

Roach grabbed S.A.M and tried to slip her off Darius' hand, but it was stuck.

"It's bad enough being attached to a man with zero IQ, but there is no way I'm going to attach to one with -50." S.A.M said.

"Your still alive?" Roach asked.

"I am a separate intelligence. Of course I'm still alive." S.A.M said.

"Will you please come off?" Roach asked.

"No." S.A.M said.

"PLEASE?" Roach asked like a little girl.

"No." S.A.M said.

"ARRRRGGGGHHH! DAMN IT! JUST COME OFF ALREADY!" Roach yelled in anger.

Roach pulled on S.A.M as hard as he could. This picked up Darius' body by the arm and Roach flailed him around like a mace, smashing stuff in the room.

"Activating countermeasures" S.A.M said.

"Wait, what?" Roach asked.

S.A.M fired a shockwave at Roach, sending him twirling down the hallway. Meanwhile, Jack and Alcatraz were trying to take down a bouncer intent on stealing their little sister. It pinned Jack to the ground and was strangling him. Alcatraz smashed a chair over the bouncer's back. Jack's face began to change blue as Roach hit the floor.

"Fucking ass computer." Roach muttered.

Alcatraz planted a C4 charge on the bouncer's air tanks. Then he picked it up by it's air tanks and threw it straight up in the air. He detonated the charge while it was still in midair, sending parts flying everywhere. As Jack started to get up, the Bouncer's torso landed hard on him. Alcatraz threw it out of the way, then the bouncer's head fell down hard on him. Alcatraz pulled that part off too. The bouncer's drill narrowly missed Roach's head.

"Nice of you to join us Roach." Jack said.

"Lay off, I got a tummy ache." Roach said.

"No surprise, you engulfed a gallon of chocolate." Jack said.

Roach puked on the floor. When he got up, he slipped on it. The guys followed the little sister to another test corpse. Jack wasn't taking any chances this time. He fired trap bolts into narrow corridors, stuck proximity mines on random areas of the floor, and even put a vortex trap on the ground.

"Let's see them try to get through all of that." Jack said.

"I think they can see it all too." Roach said.

The little sister started harvesting ADAM.

"Ugggghh. You guys got any Peptobismol?" Roach asked.

"Sticking your fingers in your uvula is my favorite peptobismol." Alcatraz said.

"Great idea." Roach said.

Splicers could be heard running around again. One by one, however, they ran blindly into Jack's traps. Bodies were flying all over the place. One splicer got through the traps, but Roach followed Alcatraz's advice and stuck his fingers into his uvula. The reaction caused him to vomit all over the splicer. The splicer put his hands on his face as he stumbled back into Jack's vortex trap. It threw him in the air, where Jack shot some icicles at him, turning him into ice. The splicer shattered when he hit the ground.

Before they knew it, the little sister had finished. The guys started out of the room.

"Do I get to kill Fontaine now?" Jack asked.

Another bouncer smashed through the nearby wall.

"I guess not." Jack said.

The bouncer slammed Roach into a nearby table. Alcatraz aimed his feline at the bouncer's head, but it swatted the gun out of his hand and slid under a strangely placed refrigerator.

"Son of a bitch!" He yelled.

Alcatraz ran to the fridge and reached under it for his gun. Meanwhile, Jack was standing in front of the bouncer with his shotgun pointed at it.

"This is boring. I wish something neat would happen." Jack said.

Suddenly, another Big daddy stormed into the room. It looked like a Rosie, but it used a drill instead. It charged at the bouncer with lightning speed, impaling it on it's own drill. This figure was none other than Subject delta from _Bioshock 2_.

"Aren't you supposed to be still dead?" Jack asked.

Delta just moaned.

"Can you even talk?" Jack asked.

Delta procured a chalkboard and wrote "No" on it.

"Oh. Say, want to join us?" Jack asked.

Delta wrote "yes" on the chalkboard. Alcatraz finally retrieved his gun and Roach pulled himself off the table.

"This our new partner?" Alcatraz asked.

"Yeah, how'd ya know?" Jack asked.

"Because this author has been giving us partner's like he has way to many of them. It feels like _SaGa Frontier 1_." Alcatraz said.

"Just wait until Bled Space starts..." Jack said.

The new team followed the little sister through another special little sister door. Delta lifted her up into a little sister vent. She turned around and held out her needle thing.

"Take this Mr. B." She said.

Delta reached for it, but Jack held him back.

"I think she means me." Jack said.

Jack took the drain thing and the little sister disappeared into the darkness of the vent. Jack looked to the left and saw a small room with an elevator at the end and one of every fucking vending machine he'd seen.

"Good! Now I can get my Avid inventor achievement!" He said happily.

Jack grabbed his Big daddy helmet and threw it off along with the big rubber suit.

"Don't you want the 25% damage reduction?" Roach asked.

"Nah, It was sweaty as hell in that thing. I can't see how Big Daddies stand those things." Jack said.

Delta moaned. Jack went to the U-invent machine and started using it. A nearly endless stream of trap bolts flew out, smacking the others in their faces and also flooding the room with them. Eventually, however, it stopped.

"I got! I got the achievement!" Jack said.

Roach and Alcatraz poked their heads through the massive pile of trap bolts.

"I think one of them got tangled around me again." Roach said.

Suddenly, Renko popped his head out next to him.

"What are you complaining about? I'm sitting on one!" Renko said.

"Your alive! That means Darius is alive too!" Roach squealed happily.

Roach dug his way out of the trap bolts and ran back to where he found Darius' corpse.

"Dari-" Roach started.

Then Roach saw Darius' lifeless body, the scythe dug in his neck.

"Could you do me a favor and bring me some battery fluid? I'm thirsty." S.A.M said.

"Oh..." Roach said, walking back.

"Up yours." S.A.M said.

Roach went back to where the others were. Jack was shoving the extra trap bolts into the circus of Values for cash.

"I thought the author would bring him back to life too." Roach said sadly.

"He must have been trying to pull some weird M. Night twist." Alcatraz said.

"Well I'm sick and tired of all this chatting. Let's go kill that gangster fuck." Jack said.

Jack and the guys squeezed themselves onto the tiny elevator. The door closed and it began it's ascension.

"Couldn't you have put away your drill before getting on? It's shoved up my nose." Renko said.

Delta groaned.

To be continued...

**Thank god, almost over. This story is making me nauseous. Anyway, read and please review! Reviews boost my writing skills!**


	20. The Fing final ass battle

Chapter 20: The fucking Final ass battle

The elevator ride felt like it took forever.

"Kid, the worst part is that you were the closest thing I had to a son." Fontaine said over the intercom.

"God, I can't wait to shut him up." Jack said.

"...That's why it's so hard. But now, I'm gonna have to fucking kick your ass!" Fontaine threatened.

The elevator finally reached the top. The door opened and the gang fell out. Jack looked around. There was a dark blue guy attached to this vertical table in the center of the room that was hooked up to transparent lines with red fluid flowing into him.

"Dude, what the fuck are you on?" Alcatraz asked.

"I'm gonna rip you bastards apart when I'm finished charging up!" Fontaine yelled.

Jack shot Fontaine several times in the chest with his pistol. Fontaine screamed "ow" loudly with every shot.

"There, hes dead. Now we can leave." Jack said.

"It's gonna take more than that to kill me kid." Fontaine said.

Jack shot a steel bolt into Fontaine's chest, where he screeched in pain.

"How about now?" Jack asked.

"No." Fontaine said.

"For Christ's sake, just die already!" Jack yelled.

Jack peppered Fontaine's muscular body with machine gun rounds. Fontaine stuttered every time one hit him. When Jack's clip ran out, Fontaine was riddled with bullet holes.

"As long as I have ADAM in me! I'm unstoppable!" Fontaine said loudly.

"Oh, that's what this is for." Jack said, pulling out the drain tool.

"No no no! I'm terrified of needles!" Fontaine said fearfully.

Jack ran up the steps that lead to Fontaine.

"Don't worry, like Doc Mcstuffins says, it'll be over in a flash." Jack said.

Jack thrust the needle into one of the bullet holes and drained a whole bottle of ADAM from Fontaine. Fontaine emitted a small shockwave that threw Jack back. The restraints holding his legs and pelvis down were released.

"I'm gonna rub you out." Fontaine said.

Jack and the guys laughed at Fontaine. Fontaine realized all he was wearing was a pair of heart boxers. Angry, veins of fire coursed through him and he shot several fireballs at the gang. They all hit Roach, who burst into flames and started running and screaming.

"Time to chill out motherfucker..." Jack said.

Jack shot several icicles at Fontaine, who leaped off the stairs and landed on the floor. Delta roared and charged at Fontaine with his drill. Fontaine had ice flow through his veins and stomped on the floor. A stream of ice shot out to Delta, who froze solid, pointing his drill at Fontaine just before it touched him.

"That popsicle shit won't hurt me as long as my heavy armor is active." Alcatraz said.

"This will rust your armor tin man!" Fontaine yelled.

"What did you call me?" Alcatraz asked.

Fontaine hit Alcatraz with 3 bright blue balls of plasma. Alcatraz shook violently and collapsed to the ground. Jack and Renko were currently the only ones capable of fighting.

"Now for you prissy boy." Fontaine said.

Fontaine shot 3 more plasma balls at Renko, whom reflected them back with his TMD's shockwave. Fontaine looked surprised as they all hit him simultaneously. He got his ass knocked back on the ground. He jumped to his feet and growled like a lion.

"You motherfucking surface dwellers!" He yelled.

Jack managed to hit Fontaine with a few dozen Machine gun rounds before Fonatine jumped to another part of the floor. Fontaine started hurling continuous fireballs at the guys, who ran around the room, avoiding them. Fontaine grabbed Roach by the neck as he ran by.

"Get your asses out here before I kill this retard." Fontaine said.

Roach pulled out his striker shotgun and blasted Fontaine in the side of the head. He dropped Roach and fell to the floor, clutching his face in agony. Roach threw a jump kick at him, which he grabbed. He threw Roach into the First Aid station, which smashed it and a bunch of first aid kits fell on Roach.

Meanwhile, Renko snuck up behind Fontaine and blasted him in the back with his Volk shotgun. As he turned around to face him, Jack shot him in the back with an incendiary Crossbow bolt. Fontaine fell to his knees as he screamed in pain from the burning. The guys laughed at him again as they took turns punching him while he sat there.

"Screw this!" Fontaine yelled.

Fontaine jumped back to the stairs and locked himself back in the seat. Jack started back up the stairs.

"Get back you fucker!" Fontaine yelled.

Jack stabbed the drain tool into Fontaine again. He drained another full bottle of ADAM from him. Fontaine threw him back with another shockwave.

Suddenly, in a TV station somewhere else, Richard Osmond from _Echo Night_ and Isaac Clarke from _Dead Space_ were commenting the fight.

"Damn, those idiots look like they're about to get there asses handed to them." Richard said.

"No it doesn't, it looks like they're about to get killed." Isaac said.

"Oh go fuck yourself." Richard said.

"Let me make things more frustrating." Fontaine said.

Suddenly, Blotch, Floogal, Pickle and Double Dose strolled out from behind the walls in the middle of the room.

"Seriously?" Jack asked.

"We're gonna rip you up now little lamb." Blotch said.

"Alright, I've had it with the little lamb shit!" Jack yelled.

Jack emptied his entire 40 round machine gun magazine into Blotch. His torso was a bloody mess and his cat mask was shattered, revealing his hideous deformed face. Floogal shrieked and cradled his dying body.

"Blotch, say somethin." Floogal said.

"Go to hell you worthless dick." Blotch said before dying.

"You killed my best friend! You bitches!" Floogal screamed.

Floogal charged at Jack with his golf club raised. Bad timing ensured when Delta finally broke free of his ice prison. Spotting Floogal, he rammed his drill right through his gut. Then he pulled it out and smacked down on his head with it, shattering his bunny mask. Delta glared at Double Dose and Pickle, who both screamed and ran off, with Delta in pursuit.

"Ooooh! It looks like Fontaine's Cheering squad has abandoned him." Richard said.

"I haven't seen something go through someone's body like that since _Resistance 2_." Isaac said.

"Theres hundreds of scenes like those all over fan fiction net, especially _Spyro_ ones." Richard said.

"Wow, lots of people like blood and gore." Isaac said.

"Not that kind of something going through something. I meant something sexy." Richard said.

"What? You mean like a giant purple genital like in _Saints Row the third_?" Isaac asked.

"Just forget it." Richard said.

"But-" Isaac started.

"Forget it!" Richard yelled.

Jack fired an RPG round at Fontaine. The big blue guy ducked and the round flew past him.

"Hah! You missed me you stupid-" Fontaine started before the round hit him in the back.

"Those things can home onto you, Dr. Manhattan." Jack taunted.

"Why you-" Fontaine started.

Fontaine wasn't quick enough to dodge Jack's winter blast. He was sealed in a layer of ice. Meanwhile, Alcatraz's suit was able to repair itself and the guy finally got up. Fontaine easily broke out of the ice. When he did, Alcatraz sneaked up behind him and grabbed his boxer's waistband.

"Wedgie!" Alcatraz said as he pulled the back of his heart boxers over his face.

The strength of the band pulled Fontaine's back down. Jack took a picture of it with his camera, laughing. Roach went up to Fontaine and gave him a purple nurple, which is twisting his nipples until they inflict pain. Jack stuck his finger in his mouth and stuck it in Fontaine's ear, giving him a wet willy. This actually inflicted damage on him and Fontaine got his head out of his boxers and jumped back into the chair again.

"I'm surprised Fontaine hasn't run off in pure shame. What a fucking loser." Richard said.

"You still have to drain 2 more bottles out of me before I lose my invincibility." Fontaine said, followed by evil laughter.

"He's invincible? Than why does his health gauge keep going down?" Isaac asked.

"He has to get back in the chair to refill it." Richard said.

"Than that's not invincible, it's some kind of recharge station." Isaac said.

While the 2 narrators bickered, Jack shoved the drain device in Fontaine yet again.

"Do you really have to keep doing this!? It fucking hurts!" Fontaine demanded.

"Consider it payback for annoying me with that damn accent for half of the game!" Jack yelled.

Jack drained another full bottle of ADAM from Fontaine. He blasted Jack away again and leaped to the floor.

"Oh god, he's wiping the floor with them!" Richard said.

And he meant that literally. Fontaine was rubbing Roach's face along the floor.

"I've got to get this stain out of my floor." Fontaine said.

"Try adding some oxi clean. That stuff is the shit." Roach said.

"Wow, he's on fire!" Isaac said.

Fontaine ran around the room, covered in flames that came from Jack's chemical thrower.

"For Christ's sake, how the fuck did this happen?" Fontaine loudly demanded.

"He's chewing through them." Richard said.

Renko shrieked as Fontaine bit a large chunk off his arm.

"What?! It's a mental disorder!" Fontaine said, with meat in his mouth.

"They're a bunch of Digimon in diapers beating each other with rubber chickens!" Isaac said.

Fontaine suddenly turned into a Veemon while Jack turned into an Agumon, both wearing diapers. They were beating each other relentlessly with rubber chickens.

"What the fuck does that even mean?" Richard asked Isaac.

"Nothing. I just get turned on by watching Digimon in diapers beating each other with rubber chickens. I contracted it from Leon 13." Isaac said.

"Can we get back into the real battle now? I think I just wet myself." Fontaine said.

"Fine, back to human forms and whatever shit you were doing." Richard said.

The guys returned to their normal forms. Fontaine was standing over Jack.

"Looks like the end of the road for you, boyo." Fontaine said.

Fontaine started charging up a plasma ball. Jack pulled out his most reliable weapon, the wrench, and quickly smacked Fontaine in the jaw with it. Fontaine fell on his back. Delta put down the head of Pickle next to the head of Double dose and jumped in the air. He stabbed his drill down hard on Fontaine's gut. Like before, Fontaine returned to his chair. Jack approached him.

"Stay back or else!" Fontaine threatened.

"Or what?" jack asked.

"I'll, uhh, taunt you!" Fontaine threatened.

"Oooohhhh! Scary!" Jack said sarcastically.

Before Fontaine could say a single thing, Jack drained one final bottle of ADAM from him. For the last time, a shockwave threw Jack back. Fontaine got off the chair, the drain tool still stuck in his chest.

"You really think this would kill me? Fuck no!" Fontaine said, pulling it out of his chest.

"I am the king of this fucking city! No one's gonna kill me!" Fontaine yelled.

Suddenly, Roach, Renko, Alcatraz and Delta shoved their guns in his face.

"Fuck." Fontaine muttered.

"Leave him to us!" A little girl voice said.

Suddenly, several little sisters crawled out of a vent and charged Fontaine. The first one stabbed her drain tool right into his groin. Fontaine screamed louder than anyone else in the game. He fell to the side and the other little sister swarmed him, stabbing him with their drain tools. Jack got up and laughed.

"Soyonara boyo." Jack taunted.

"Can we finally leave now?" Roach asked.

"Yes, I'm pretty positive we can." Jack said.

One little sister held a key card to Jack.

"That for the Bathysphere? Good." Jack said, taking it.

"Why don't we take these girls with us? We can give them a good home on the surface." Renko said.

"Good idea, I could use some personal servants." Jack said.

With that said, the guys located a bathysphere in the very back room. They and all 5 little sisters jammed into it. And slowly, they rode to the surface. The bathysphere came up right next to the lighthouse where Jack entered Rapture. The door opened, and all of them spilled out.

"Ahhh, Sunshine. No wonder gays love you." Jack said.

"Why the hell is there a lighthouse out in the middle of the ocean?" Roach asked.

"Enough with the game logic questions. The game is finally over!" Jack said.

"But how are we gonna get back to land?" Renko asked.

"Oh, that's a good question." Jack said.

"I could swim to shore and grab a chopper." Alcatraz offered.

"Wait, I got a better idea." Jack said.

5 minutes later...

A large Aircraft carrier plowed through the Ocean waves. The large words "USS Constitution" were written on it's side. On the man deck, stood a man in a silver nano suit. He was approached by another guy in a Nanosuit.

"Hey Nomad, still thinking about prophet?" The other one asked.

"Yeah, he said he was just gonna grab some beer, but that was 3 weeks ago." Nomad said.

"Well I wouldn't worry about him, even though he got the plague and probably died." Psycho, the other one, said.

"Maybe, but still...HOLY SHIT!" Nomad screamed.

Not far in the distance was a tall erect structure that was engulfed in flames.

"What the hell is that?" Psycho asked.

"Don't know. Maybe the Earth's dick?" Nomad asked.

"I say we check it out, there might be babes in there!" Psycho said.

The Constitution changed it's course to move closer to the structure. Meanwhile, Jack used his incinerate plasmid to set more of the fancy velvet curtains on fire. He tore them down and hung them up around the structure. Roach painted a mustache on the big statue of Ryan.

"Yo jack! Theres a ship coming!" Alcatraz said.

"Awesome!" Jack said, running down to the dock.

"Hey, wait for me!" Roach said, running after them.

The gang had gathered on the narrow dock, as the constitution pulled closer to them. Nomad looked over the edge.

"Holy shit, Prophet, is that you?" He yelled down.

"Me? No, the name's Alcatraz. Prophets the guy who gave me the suit." Alcatraz said.

"Oh, well join the club buddy." Nomad said.

Nomad threw a rope ladder down and everyone climbed on board. Roach kissed the deck.

"I can't tell you how good it is to be back on steel." He said.

"What the hell kind of structure is this? You sure burnt it up good." Psycho said.

"Trust me, if you were in my shoes, you'd do the same thing." Jack said.

"Come on Delta! Rescue's here!" Renko yelled to Delta, who was still on the dock.

"Leave him, he still has to be in Bioshock 2." Jack said.

"Poor guy." Renko said.

The Constitution pulled away from the towering inferno. Delta waved goodbye from the dock before Jumping back into the water.

"You guys got any beer on board? I'm dying of thirst." Jack asked.

Before Nomad could answer, a large beam of light shot up beside the boat. A lone figure rose from the ocean and set foot on the deck.

"Darius! Your alive!" Renko squealed.

"Not really, I'm just here to visit you before I go back to hell and that freaking creepy cat from _All Dogs Go to heaven_." Darius said.

"Fortunately, it is not as bad as it seems." S.A.M said.

"Damn it, I thought you wouldn't count as a soul!" Darius yelled.

"I have more soul than you." S.A.M said.

Before Darius could smack S.A.M into the floor, the ship rumbled. A massive bright blue alien ship arose from the ocean next to the ship.

"Damn, those Aliens followed us." Nomad said.

"You guys up for one last fight?" Jack asked, aiming his Grenade Launcher at the Warship.

"Fuck yeah!" Alcatraz said.

The gang drew their weapons and the screen faded black as gunfire was heard.

"They offered you the city, but you refused it. So what did you get? 1,000,000 dollars. Hahahahaha, Just kidding. You gave the little ones something they never had, a cell phone. HHAHahhahaahahha! Sorry, I can't help it. You gave them a family. They went to school, got married and had children of their own. Then, they went back to Rapture and left their children there for use in Bioshock 2. AhAHAHAHAHAHhAh! Ahhhh, I haven't had this much fun since my Bar mitzvah. Anyway, keep reading for the extras chapter, which will contain Alternate endings and deleted scenes. Farewell from Tenenbaum!" Tenenbaum said.

The End (Partially)...

**She about summed it up. Keep watch for the Extras chapter.**


	21. Circus of Crap

Chapter 21: Circus of crap

**Now here is some extra content!**

Let's say that Jack didn't give a damn about what the reviewer's wanted. Let's say he didn't give a damn about the little sisters and harvested every one of the little bitches. Let's go back to that one scene in the lounge with Tenenbaum on the balcony and Jack standing over the little sister.

"Please! Spare her!" Tenenbaum said.

"Sorry, did the good ending already." Jack said.

Jack grabbed the little sister. She swatted at his hand and then, all of the sudden, his vision turned pale green for several seconds. When the weird stuff cleared, he was holding a weird looking slug in his hand.

"Ewww" Jack said, dropping it and stomping on it.

"You did the right thing boyo. Now you can purchase whatever you desire." Atlas (at the time) said.

"With what?" Jack asked.

"With the ADAM from the slug." Atlas said.

"Oh..." Jack said.

Now let's time skip to when Jack killed Ryan and waking up in Tenenbaum's safe house. Roach, Renko, and Darius were being pummeled by a mob of angry little sisters.

"Momma Tenenbaum says they're mean!" One of them shouted.

"What the hell?" Jack wondered, watching the mayhem.

"Look! He's the one who killed my sister!" One of the little sisters shouted.

Suddenly, many of the little sisters threw rocks at Jack, who was swatting them away with his wrench.

"He's the one who saved me!" One of the sisters said.

"You got the wrong ending again, idiot." Another one said.

Let's do another time skip. This time, to right after Jack killed Fontaine. One little sister held the card to the bathysphere to Jack. Jack however, grabbed her wrist.

"I'm gonna harvest the lot of you bitches!" Jack said in an evil voice.

Jack harvested the little sister. The others tried to run away, but they were seized by Jack's buddies. Jack harvested each and every one of them. He held all of the ADAM filled slugs in his hands.

"Hell yeah, I can definitely afford that EVE upgrade now." Jack said.

"They offered you the city, but it was not enough.." Tenenbaum started.

"Oh boy..." Jack said.

"You lusted much more. An abomination to man kind..." Tenenbaum continued.

"You know what? I'm gonna smoke that bitch." Jack said.

Jack took the elevator back down to the proving grounds.

"And when you stole this city's secrets, you stole- That's the last straw bitch! Wait! How did you get in here? Nein! Put down that shotgun! (Blam!). There we go." The narration said.

Jack quickly came back to Fontaine's hideout. Suddenly, everything was bathed in a dark shadow.

"Oh god! It's the end of the world!" Roach squealed.

"Calm down moron, theres just a ship above us." Jack said.

"Say, why don't we jack it and bomb the crap out of those damn corrupt politicians!?" Alcatraz suggested.

"I like it. Let's get to the bathysphere." Jack said.

"Wait, this is ridiculously high bad karma!" Renko said.

"So? Thats how we got this ending." Jack said.

"Oh, right. Off we go then." Renko said.

The guys got in the bathysphere and rode it towards the surface. It turns out the ship was a Soviet submarine. In fact, it was the same type of Soviet's from Renko's timeline. 4 soldiers were out on the deck, examining the plane wreckage. They wore black uniforms with glowing visors.

"Oy, I guess the pilot was a little drunk. Ay Popukov?" One soldier said.

"Ay Alexander." Popukov said.

The bathysphere broke through the surface of the water.

"Hey look! It's an Unidentified Submerged Object!" Another soldier said.

The hatch on the sphere opened. Delta leaped out and impaled that soldier on his drill. Then Alcatraz jumped out and brought his fist down on another soldier, crushing him into a small pile. Popukov and Alexander cowered in the corner. Jack, Roach, and Renko got out of the Bathysphere.

"You! You work for Demichev!" Renko said in an angry voice.

"Yes, hes on this sub." Popukov said.

"He is!?" Renko demanded.

Renko shot both soldiers through their heads with his Centurion.

"Who the fuck is Demichev?" Jack asked.

"He's the bastard who screwed up my timeline! I'm gonna run him down!" Renko said.

Jack was shocked at Renko's sudden outburst. Renko stormed downstairs into the sub. He ran into another Soviet soldier and disintegrated him with his TMD. At the very bottom of the sub, he encountered a man with a mustache in an officer uniform.

"Demichev!" Renko screamed.

"Well, look whos come back." Demichev said.

"I'm gonna rape you until your fucking heart bursts!" Renko yelled.

Jack and the others made their way into the room.

"First, you'll have to deal with my bodyguards." Demichev said.

2 soviet soldiers with Gold helmets stepped out from around the corner.

"Damn it, my TMD won't work on advanced Spetznaz." Renko said.

"Yeah? How about this!?" Jack said.

Jack zapped one soldier with Electro bolt and hit the other with incinerate. Alcatraz ran up to the one who was stunned and ripped his head off. The other put out the fire and was about to shoot him, but Jack shot a bolt straight through his head. A looked of fear consumed Demichev's face. Renko ran up to him, shoved him to the ground, knelt over him and started rapidly punching his face. Then, he pulled out his Volk shotgun, shot him in the groin, then blew his head off.

"Try changing time now bitch!" Renko yelled in his face.

"Damn, I've never seen you like this. I like it." Jack said.

"Thanks, now lets blow up some assholes." Renko said.

Renko sat down at the control panel and started typing in commands. He prepped all 37 nuclear missiles for launch.

"Would you like to do the honors?" Renko asked Jack.

Jack pressed the big red button. A massive barrage of missiles filled the sky.

Meanwhile, in the USA...

Barack Obama was standing at the podium.

"I plan on letting Illegal Immigrants become citizens, this will increase our economical growth." Obama said.

"How?" A reporter asked.

"No comment." Obama said.

"Sir, aren't you afraid these legalized immigrants will take over the country?" Another reporter asked.

"Still no comment." Obama said.

Suddenly, a bright flash filled the sky. Within seconds, Obama, and a dozen of his corrupt officials were incinerated by the nuclear warhead. Back on the sub, the guys broke open bottles of Champainge and danced around on the deck.

Lets go back another time, right after Jack killed Fontaine.

"Well done. You have killed Fontaine and the city is yours." Tenenbaum said.

"Thanks babe, but I want to go home to my farm in Kansas. Oh wait, it isn't real." Jack said.

"Actually it is. And you've had the power to return there all along." Tenenbaum said.

"What!?" Jack demanded.

"All you must do is click your heels together and say, theres no place like home." Tenenbaum said.

"That's it? Bitch, I would kill you if I didn't have to walk all the way back to the Metro." Jack said.

Jack clicked his ruby boots together and chanted "Theres no place like home". The screen got all blurry and turned black and white. Before he knew it, Jack found himself in a bed. Beside him were 3 people who looked like Fontaine, Ryan and Tenenbaum. Jack himself was wearing a blue striped dress and had pig tails.

"Aunty Em!" Jack said happily.

"You had a Bad Dream Jack." Aunty Em said.

"It was a wonderful dream! You were in it! And you! And You!" Jack said, pointing to them all.

"I hope you learned a valuable lesson." The guy who looked like Ryan said.

"Oh yes, Leon 13 really enjoys ripping off this ending." Jack said.

Before anyone said anything else, An explosion was heard in the distance.

"It's the Chimera! They've broken through the defensive line!" The Guy who looked like Fontaine said.

"Jack, do you think you can use a weapon?" Tenenbaum, I mean, Aunty Em asked.

"Of course Aunty Em." Jack said.

Aunty Em gave Jack an assault rifle that had a wooden stock. He followed them outside, where massive tower-like ships crossed the sky.

"Wow, I never knew Chimera could fly." Jack said.

"Hybrids!" The Guy who looked like Ryan said.

Strange creatures emerged from the corn field. They wore skin tight black pants and large coolant tanks on their backs. They had pale skin, 4 yellow eyes, and sharp teeth. These were the Chimera. Jack started pumping them with assault rifle rounds, their heads exploding like blue berries. The hybrids returned fire with their weird alien guns that shot red projectiles. Jack grabbed Aunty Em and pulled her and himself behind a haystack.

"Don't worry, bullets never go through hay stacks." Jack said.

The guys who looked like Ryan and Fontaine managed to finish off the rest of them.

"We gotta get to the airport for evac!" The guy who looked like Ryan said.

"Right, let's get to the car." Jack said.

"We don't have a car." The guy who looked like Fontaine said.

"Oh, then lets just run!" Jack shouted.

The gang ran out to the front of the house. On the road, some snooty rich woman was riding her bicycle down the road, trying to get away from these Naked 4-eyed people.

"Help me!" She shouted.

Jack took aim with his rifle. Though he didn't aim at the 4-eyes, He aimed at the rich woman's tires. He shot them and she tumbled off. The 4-eyes gathered around her and devoured her.

"I always hated that bitch." Jack said.

Suddenly, all the 4-eyes were thrown back. The rich woman transformed into a large round brain like creature with tentacles with sharp ends. He face was in the middle of the center.

"Fools! I am the true Chimeran leader!" She said in a weird voice.

The guy who looked like Ryan charged at her with a pitchfork. The woman stabbed him through the chest with one of her tentacles and lifted him off the ground. Using her other tentacle, she ripped him in half. His upper half hit the ground while his other half was thrown into a sign for a pants warehouse.

"Give my mustache to Josef Stalin..." He said before dying.

"You literal piece of shit! I'm gonna smoke your ass!" Jack said.

The monster thrust one of it's tentacles towards Jack. However, in slow motion, the guy who looked like Fontaine jumped in front of him while shouting "nnnoooooooo". The tentacle stuck out through his chest, barely touching Jack's nose. The beast lifted him in the air and started slamming him, headfirst, on the asphalt. Jack and Aunty Em retreated inside the house.

"Don't worry, we are safe in here." Aunty Em said.

Suddenly, the guy who looked like Fontaine smashed through the window. He landed on the dining table. His brain could be seen through his skull.

"I wouldn't place money on that idea." He said.

Suddenly, the house shook violently. Tearing of supports could be heard as the house tilted back and forth. Outside the window, the land disappeared and was replaced by gray clouds. The beast had lifted the house into the air with a tornado it created.

The beast shoved one of it's tentacles through the wall, barely missing Jack. He and Aunty Em grabbed the guy who looked like Fontaine and hid in another room. The beast ripped off the walls and the roof off the dining area. She looked around and floated to another section of the house.

She tore off some more walls and found the bathroom. There was a hot naked chick in the shower who screamed at the sight of the beast. She covered her breast and threw a bottle of shampoo at it. The beast stabbed the woman in the chest and threw her out into the tornado.

Jack, Aunty Em, and the guy who looked like Fontaine were hiding in the bedroom. Jack turned over a desk to use as cover. Aunty Em and him were behind it. The guy who looked like Fontaine was resting on the bed. The others were going to use him as bait.

"What if she breaks through the window?" Aunty Em asked.

"Pffffttttt, she'll never do that." Jack said.

Suddenly, something smashed through the window and ran into the wall. It was the upper half of the guy who looked like Ryan.

"What the hell? I thought you were dead." Jack said.

"I just passed out from exhaustion. I've sealed my wound with a sack of potatoes." The guy who looked like Ryan said.

He was wearing a potato sack over his injury.

"You better not have attracted that bitch." Jack said.

Suddenly, the beast's tentacle stabbed through the wall and ripped it off. It toppled the bed the guy who looked like Fontaine was laying on.

"You will not escape me now!" The beast said.

Jack looked were the bed used to be and saw some kind of weapon. It was large and had several blue tubes at the end of it. Using his Telekinesis Plasmid, which he still had equipped, he grabbed it. Aiming at the beast's face, he shot a burst of blue energy into it. It burnt a hole straight through the beast and the rest of it's body bloated. After growing immensely, it exploded into green goo, covering everyone in it.

Meanwhile, on the street below...

A man in blue jeans and a brown leather jacket ran around the street anxiously.

"Cheryl! Cheryl!" He kept yelling.

He suddenly spied another figure sitting in the ditch. He wore a green tweed Jacket, blue jeans and black hair. He clutched a bottle of gin in his right hand.

"Excuse me, have you seen my little girl around here?" The first man asked.

"Lay off, I'm hung over." The second man said.

"She's about this tall, black hair, green dress, runs away from everyone..." The first man continued.

The second man took a massive swig from his bottle, then followed by a massive belch.

"Her name is Cheryl Mason. I'm Harry Mason." The first man said.

"Alan Wake, famous author." The second said.

"Hey I've been wanting to talk to you. I found one of your books very offensive." Harry said.

"Blow it out your ass." Alan said.

Before this pointless conversation could continue, the remains of Aunty Em's house crushed them. Jack stood up in the wreckage.

"Jeez, hopefully the depression will end now." Jack said.

Damn, this one was pretty long, lets do another ending. After Killing Fontaine, the guys took the Bathysphere to the surface. They were sitting around a fire inside the lighthouse where Jack descended.

"Alrighty, I laid some green flares outside. Theres no way anyone will miss them." Roach said.

"Maybe we can make a boat out of that statue." Jack muttered, doubting Roach's plan will work.

Renko had several more birds hanging over the fire. There was a puffin, A Kiwi, and great blue Turaco, all from _3__rd__ and Bird_.

"The birds are almost ripe, get the sauce." Renko said.

"Where did you find them?" Alcatraz asked.

"In a tree in Arcadia." Renko said.

"Thats the reason you wanted to make a pitstop there?" Jack asked.

"The birds there taste delicious. Besides, I had to take a piss and most of the bathrooms were broken." Renko said.

"These birds are weird, they wear hats and clothes and stuff birds normally don't wear." Roach said.

"That just adds to the flavor." Renko said, sprinkling salt on the birds.

Suddenly, the ground shook. Fontaine smashed up through the floor. He grew a massive claw on his right hand and his heart stuck out through his chest.

"You bastards thought you were through with me?" He yelled.

"Dude, you died." Jack said.

"This ending brought me back to life!" Fontaine said.

Before he could say another word, the guys peppered him with bullets. He fell backwards.

"Why you little.." He said, getting up.

He plunged his claw into the ground. A burst of blue energy shot out across the floor. The guys watched as it passed by harmlessly.

"Damn it, why does that always miss?" Fontaine asked.

Jack shot Fontaine in the heart with his crossbow.

"Ouch! Damn it, do you know how much that hurts!?" He yelled.

Fontaine rapidly pulled at his claw. He was unable to pull it out of the ground.

"Say, can you guys give me a hand?" Fontaine asked.

"Fuck no, your trying to kill us." Alcatraz said.

"Fine, I'll use my flame thrower." Fontaine said.

Fontaine shot a continuous stream of fire out of his other hand. Using it as an engine, he pushed himself back and his claw was pulled out of the ground.

"AHAHAH! Now I'll give you a taste of-" Fontaine started.

Suddenly, the roof exploded and a massive chunk of concrete fell on Fontaine. Through the hole in the roof, a UH-01 could be seen hovering over it. A guy in blue pants, yellow vest, and orange hair came over to the sliding door and threw a 4-shot rocket launcher out the window.

"Use this!" He yelled.

"Who the hell is that?" Alcatraz asked.

"I don't care, that gun is mine." Jack said.

Fontaine threw the huge hunk of concrete off himself. After that moment, Jack aimed the Rocket launcher at him and fired a rocket right into his heart. He exploded into multiple pieces.

"Hell yeah, I'm gonna have this thing bronzed." Jack said.

"Pick us up!" Roach yelled to the guy in the chopper.

"What?" The guy in the chopper yelled back down.

"I said pick us-!" Roach started.

"What?" The guy in the chopper yelled down again.

Roach threw a fit and picked up a massive index card and a marker. He wrote on it and held it up. The guy in the chopper shrugged because nothing was written on the card. Roach forgot to take the cap off the marker.

"Oh fuck this." Alcatraz said.

Using his suit's mighty legs, Alcatraz leaped high into the air and landed in the chopper. The guy inside screamed and pissed himself.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH! It's a robot!" He screamed.

Alcatraz grabbed the guy by the collar and threw him out of the side door. He landed face first on the floor in front of Jack.

"Wow, what a weenie." Jack said.

Alcatraz flew the chopper right in front of the light house's door. The guys all hopped on. As it made it's ascent, Jack took aim with his rocket launcher again. He fired a rocket through the hole in the light house and it hit the giant golden statue of Ryan. Loud metallic screeching could be heard as it lurched forward. The helicopter pilot looked up just in time to see it falling towards him. He screamed as it crushed him.

"Hey, lets sing a song to pass the time!" Roach said happily.

"NO!" Everyone else yelled.

Okay, I'm nauseous with the endings, so lets move on to deleted scenes. Roach was in one of the apartments in Apollo square. There was a phonograph on a coffee table. Roach went over to it and put a record on. Disco music started to play and Roach jumped in the clearing in the middle of the room. He started moving his head to the beat and then swung his arms back and forth.

While this looked professional at first, Roach then just swung his legs and arms around randomly without any style. 2 splicers entered the room and saw Roach, who swirled around in the air. With the same IQ level as Roach, they also started dancing stupidly. Jack walked through a door into the room, holding a beer. He spotted what he thought was a bunch of kids from Glee, but instead it was Roach and 2 splicers.

Jack calmly shot both of the splicers through the heads and holstered his pistol. He walked up to the phonograph and picked it up. While it was still playing, Roach spun around on one leg. Then, in one swift motion, Jack smashed the phonograph over Roach's head. You all probably saw this coming.

"Get back to work." Jack said.

Okay, now Jack was back in Neptune's Bounty. He was standing in front of a Gatherer's garden machine.

"Buying stuff is for losers." Jack said.

Jack drew his pistol and blasted the machine several times with it. He examined it closely and noticed there wasn't even a scratch. Then he pulled out his machine gun and peppered it with bullets. After that didn't work either, he tried his shotgun, which also didn't work. He needed something else to break it open. Jack went off for a second.

"Hey, let me go!" A splicer yelled.

Jack came back restraining a splicer with his arms. Grabbing the back of the splicer's head, Jack slammed his face into the Gatherer's garden machine. Blood splattered everywhere.

"What the fuck are you doing man? I didn't do anything to you." The splicer said.

Jack slammed his head into the machine again.

"You trying to steal stuff from that machine? I wouldn't bother, It's made of concrete." The splicer said.

Angry, Jack smashed the splicer's head against the machine by slamming it into it several times. Then he equipped his incinerate plasmid and threw a fireball at the machine, where it disintegrated harmlessly. Jack growled and bashed the machine rapidly with his wrench. Then, he got an idea. He took an empty vial and pissed in it. He poured it into the slot where the ADAM normally goes. He originally did this just to get back at the machine, but a plasmid he wanted, Winter blast, fell into the slot. After looking both ways, Jack grabbed the plasmid and ran off.

Meanwhile, back on the surface, Captain Soap Mactavish and Ghost were in an empty meadow.

"We are gathered here today to reminisce the fall of our beloved comrade, Roach Sanderson." The Captain said.

"Here with us is Roach's brother, Mantis Sanderson." Ghost said.

A man in a tuxedo walked up. He looked almost like Roach, except with brown hair.

"My brother Roach had a sad life. He went to secondary school and was kicked out for gorging out some bully's eye. He failed at home school because he didn't know how to work a computer. Our parents couldn't home school him because Roach kept shooting spit balls at them. Then he-" Mantis said.

"Alright, we're all disappointed. Now, we cry and bury what little we found of him." Captain Mactavish said.

"WAAAAHHHH! He owes me money!" Mantis cried.

Soap picked up what little they had of Roach, an underslung grenade launcher taken from his ACR. He dropped it into a deep hole. Behind the hole was a small wooden sign that said "Roocsh". Another soldier started burying the hole with a shovel. Soap, Ghost and the only 2 people who were in the audience walked over to another hole.

"Now, we are here to mourn the loss of life partners, Meat and Royce." Soap said.

In the hole were 2 dead soldiers embracing each other. They were both male of course. Let's get away from this gay scene. Meanwhile, at the gates of Heaven, Darius was stopped by a naked man with brown hair. He had a name tag taped to him that said "Dante".

"What do you mean I can't come in? And why are you naked?" Darius asked.

"Sorry, it says you've committed too many sins. Also, everyone in heaven is naked." Dante said.

"Can't I be an exception?" Darius asked.

"Well, you could try to redeem yourself of your sins." Dante said.

"No not the sins, I mean the naked thing." Darius said.

"Oh, nope no exceptions." Dante said.

"What about in hell?" Darius asked.

"Well, I think they allow clothing down there." Dante said.

"Good, I'm going there then." Darius said.

"Darius, hell is 100% pain and suffering. Your turning down a chance to leave in heaven just because they don't allow clothing?" S.A.M asked.

Darius ripped S.A.M off his hand and held it to Dante.

"Please, take her. She hasn't done anything wrong." Darius begged.

"Well, I guess it's alright." Dante said.

Dante took S.A.M.

"Yes! I'm finally free! FREE!" Darius squealed as he clicked his heels in the air and ran off.

"Attach me to your arm and you may reconstruct matierials using nano bots." S.A.M said.

"Good, Osama bin Laden keeps chiseling at the gates trying to get in." Dante said.

And now, for the segment known as "where the hell are they now".

Using the massive wealth he acquired in Rapture, Jack purchased Lara Croft's burnt down mansion and fixed it up. He and all the little sisters lived there. The little sisters grew up and eventually had families of their own.

Roach returned to service in TF 141 only to find out that his mentor, Soap Mactavish, had been killed in action. Entering a severe depression, he moved into Jack's mansion's maze area, where he lives in a tiny little shack.

Renko, having killed Demichev, did not need to return to Katorka 12. Instead, he became a riot officer, using his TMD to terrorize violent protestors. He also works as a chef at Jack's mansion when there is no riot.

Alcatraz was eventually overcome by Prophet's soul, which slept in his nanosuit. Fortunately, Alcatraz's soul made it out of the suit and into a USB drive which made it's way to Jack's mansion. He is now part of Jack's computer network.

Darius, as you may have guessed, is dead and in hell. But he is actually doing well, he has a good job as a miner, excavating new areas for the damned to live. Plus he even got to bang Cleopatra.

S.A.M stayed with Dante in heaven, where she is used to repair damaged areas with her nanobots and shove unwanted visitors off with her shockwave.

After being made into ventriloquist dummy, Ryan's body was sold to the mayor of Silent hill, where he became a demon and haunts everyone who passes by his display case.

Fontaine is fucking dead.

Tenenbaum moved to the surface temporarily where she set up a sweatshop with the little sisters she brought with her. She currently owns the largest pirated designer shoe collection ever.

The 4 splicers, Blotch, Floogal, Pickle and Double dose, were resurrected at a nearby vita station. They live together in Fontaine's old apartment and continue hunting for what little ADAM remains.

The passengers of the plane Jack was on were all eaten by the Kraken, who was on his way to smash the SRPA base.

Nomad and Jester are Missing. There faces are posted on milk bottles.

Delta died again, to remain canon to the Bioshock 2 storyline.

It was a bright beautiful day at a fancy mansion. A massive J hung over the entry doors. Inside, Jack walked down the staircase, wearing a fancy tuxedo. Renko was in the kitchen, wearing a chef's hat and apron, stirring a pot. Roach was passed out in the dining room, clutching a bottle of whiskey. Jack sat down at his large dining table.

"When the hell is breakfast gonna be ready?" He asked.

"It's almost finished, be patient." Renko said.

"What is it anyway?" Jack asked.

"Kraft Macaroni and Cheese, in the shapes of characters from _Phineas and Ferb_." Renko said.

"Good, I hate the regular kind." Jack said, putting a napkin on his lap.

Roach woke up and yawned.

"You broke into my place again." Jack said.

"Al let me in." Roach said.

Alcatraz's face appeared on the microwave.

"He offered me some booze." He said.

"You can't even drink booze." Jack said.

"I didn't realize that until after I let him in." Alcatraz said.

Roach sat down at the table across from Jack.

"I can't believe hes gone. He taught me everything I know." Roach said.

"He didn't even give a shit about you." Jack said.

"Soap was my hero." Roach said.

"He'll never be your hero unless that damn macaroni is finished!" Jack yelled.

"Alright, it's done. Jeezz." Renko said, coming in.

He put some macaroni in 3 bowls and gave one each to Jack, Roach and himself.

"Hey, what about me?" Alcatraz asked.

"Your stuck in a fucking computer." Jack pointed out.

Renko was about to put a spoon full of macaroni in his mouth before his phone rang.

"Damn, duty calls. Another angry mob of Muslims." Renko said.

Renko took off his apron and hat and left.

"I'm so glad I bought this mansion. It's awesome." Jack said.

"That shed in your bush maze is particularly cozy." Roach said.

"I've been thinking of tearing down that maze and putting a race track for ATVs in." Jack said.

"Oooh! That would be sweet!" Alcaraz said.

"Could we make it a snowmobile course?" Roach asked.

"I guess we could use those in the winter." Jack said.

"Yes!" Roach squealed.

"Theres also that boring obstacle course in the back. I'm gonna tear that down and put in a casino and bar." Jack said.

"What about that aquarium in your basement that I broke and flooded?" Roach asked.

"You can live down there if you want." Jack said.

"Good, I'll go get my stuff!" Roach said, leaving.

Jack finished up his macaroni.

"Say, you wanna shoot that old guy we locked in the freezer?" Alcatraz asked.

"Your stuck in the-" Jack started.

"I can transmit my subconscious into that weird robot I built." Alcatraz said.

"The one that looks like a naked woman?" Jack asked.

"Yeah! It had machine guns in the breasts!" Alcatraz said.

"...Okay, let me grab my shotgun." Jack said.

Meanwhile, in the freezer, an old man in a butler's uniform sat in the corner, covered in frost. This was Lara Croft's old butler, who was left behind. The freezer doors suddenly opened. A brief look of joy appeared on his face.

5 minutes later...

"Release him!" Jack said.

The door to the cage the old man was in opened. He quickly escaped from it and started running. Jack and a gray woman robot with gun barrels sticking out of her breasts opened fire. Jack's life couldn't get any better.

Meanwhile, in Silent Hill...

A man with brown hair and a green convict suit walked down the halls of the library. He passed many broken display cases that had dolls in them. He stopped in front of this one that had a man in a brown suit in it. The man stood on his tip toes for a closer look. Suddenly, the man in the suit screamed. The other man screamed and ran off in terror. The man in the brown suit laughed before resuming his original position.

The end, finally.

**Well thats it. Now I'm gonna start on my Dead Space parody. Keep watching for it to be published and other stories as well. Theres a slight chance in the future I may add more extra chapters to this story too, so keep watching it too. Until then, I'm Leon 13, signing off.**


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